Tag Archives: Oscar Awards

The 2020 Snap Judgement Oscar Awards Part 2

If you missed Part 1 of the Snap Judgement Oscar Awards yesterday just scroll down and read that first or click the link.

“Moving on to the big categories, it’s ladies first. Who wants to hear who the Best Actress is?”  There’s a round of polite applause throughout the room. “Really, that’s it? C’mon guys! Let’s hear it for the ladies!” This elicits hoots, hollers and applause. Joaquin Phoenix starts to hug Renee Zellweger a little too enthusiastically and spills his drink down her back. In the blink of an eye Gooby is on him and as I hit the garage door remote, Joaquin is dragged out screaming, “You can’t do this to me! I’m the Joker!”

“The jokes on you Joaquin,” I reply. The garage door lowers with Joaquin on the other side pounding his tiny little fists and sobbing. Of course, having done this for the previous six years, I’m unflappable. “The nominees are Cynthia Erivo, Scarlett Johansson, Saoirse Ronan, Charlize Theron, and Renee Zellweger. Some big names there along with some lesser known ladies. The winner of the 2020 Phillie Award for Best Actress is Cynthia Erivo because she’s won a Grammy and an Emmy, and having a Phillie would round out her set!”

Pic courtesy of Hollywood Reporter

“Next up is Best Actor! Since I wasn’t nominated again, yes, writing a blog is so acting. Shut up DiCaprio! How many views did your blog get this week? Yeah, I didn’t think so. I’m acting like a writer. That’s acting! Anywho, back to the awards.”

“I guess I’ll have to acknowledge that “Leo” (I did the finger quotes when I said it) earned a nod from the Academy. As did Adam Driver, Joaquin Phoenix, Antonio Banderas, and Jonathan Pryce. Obviously Joaquin has no chance because we had to drag his sorry ass out of here earlier. Adam Driver is eliminated because, well Adam, I hate to break it to you this way, but you look better in a big plastic space helmet than you did playing an actual person in that divorce movie.  So that narrows it down to Antonio Banderas and Jonathan Pryce. Jonathan, I don’t know who you are and… well, you’re asleep in your seat right now, the winner of the Phillie for the best actor is Antonio Banderas for his unappreciated work as the dad in the Spy Kids movies!” Antonio stands up, downs a shot of whiskey, throws the shot glass at the wall and strides cockily up to the podium. to collect his trophy.

Pic courtesy of Hollywood Reporter

Here’s the big one folks. Buckle up because it’s going to be a bumpy ride. The nominees for the Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Picture are …(I look down at the list)”Oh for cryin’ out loud! There’s nine friggin’ pictures nominated. Seriously! There were not nine movies last year that I’d spend my money on. And DiCaprio, you were in like six of them and Phoenix was in the rest! Drumroll please!…This time DiCaprio starts the drumroll on the back of the seat in front of him occupied by Charlize Theron. Then she picks it up followed by Laura Dern and one by one, everyone in the room begins the drum roll until the chanting begins, “Phillie! Phillie! Phillie!” It’s this way every year and I smile and wait a few moments until the half assed drumroll and chants start to subside.

They’re all drunk by now and if this announcement doesn’t go the right way, this room could explode. I fumble nervously  with the envelope. In the back I notice that appropriately enough, Margot Robbie is making out with Joaquin Phoenix who snuck back in past Gooby when he dozed off. Harley Quinn has again found her Joker. “Ahem…” I clear my throat to get their attention. “The Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Picture goes to Avengers: Endgame!” They all look at each other silently and then look back up front to me. There’s a slow build of murmuring rumbling through the room. “But since no one from that movie is here, let’s start the after party!” They all leap from their seats happily shouting and clinking classes, drowning out the protests of Scarlett Johansson who is fighting her way through the crowd towards the front.

I grab the mic for the last time, I tap it a couple times and they quiet down. “And remember, what happens in the garage,” and they all join in shouting, “stays in the garage!

Thank you for attending my soiree and I’ll see you next year. Have a great Sunday! ~Phil

The 4th Annual Snap Judgement Oscar Awards!

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Tomorrow all the Hollywood types, that have yet to invite me into their exclusive club, get together in L.A. to pat themselves on the back. This is my wildly popular annual feature where I , without having seen any of the movies, suggest who should win all the major Academy Awards, otherwise known as The Oscars. Yes, I am able to let go of my grudge and any related animosity towards the Academy for never having given me an Oscar for blogging. I’ll start with the lesser categories, such as Losers  Best Supporting Actor and Actress and work my way up to Best Picture.

Best Actor in a Supporting Role: The nominees are: Mahershala Ali in Moonlight, Jeff Bridges in Hell or High Water, Lucas Hedges in Manchester by The Sea, and Michael Shannon in Nocturnal Animals. Jeff Bridges and Lucas Hedges are both out because their last names are the plural of an inanimate object. Michael Shannon is out because his name is actually two first names and one of them is a girl. The winner is, drumroll please, Mahershala Ali because he might be the son or grandson of Muhammed Ali, who could probably still beat me up if I don’t choose his grandson.

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Best Actress in a Supporting Roll: The nominees are: Viola Davis in Fences,  Naomi Harris in Moonlight, Nicole Kidman in Lion, Octavia Spencer in Hidden Fences, Michelle Williams in Manchester by the Sea. My first instinct was to go with Nicole Kidman because she’s really attractive, but the fact that her hubby, Keith Urban always looks like his hair hasn’t been washed in months ruled her out. Next up was Octavia Spencer who almost won my Snap Judgement Oscar Award because Octavia sounds like a villain from a James Bond movie. I didn’t give Naomi Harris a single thought. Michelle Williams almost won because I first thought she was actress Kimberly Williams who is married to Brad Paisley. Drumroll please, the winner is Viola Davis, but in an upset, it’s not for her role in Fences but for her brilliant work as bad ass boss Amanda Waller in the Marvel comics Suicide Squad movie.

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Best Actor in a Leading Role: The nominees are: Andrew Garfield in Hacksaw Ridge, Ryan Gosling in La La Land, Viggo Mortensen in Captain Fantastic, Denzel Washington in Fences, Casey Affleck in Manchester by the Sea. I didn’t see Manchester, but Casey Affleck is ruled out because of that picture above. Who wants to see a movie featuring the less bad Affleck brother moping on a beach? Ugh. No thanks. Andrew Garfield got consideration due to his previous work as Spiderman, but he’s like 40 years old playing a 20 year old in the army. I think he has grandchildren. I didn’t know Ryan Gosling even acted. I thought he was just a stupid internet meme. Denzel? Look Denny, the ladies love you, and that should be enough. In an incredible twist, my Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Actor goes to Ryan Reynolds in Deadpool. Funniest movie of the year.

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Best Actress in a Leading Role: The nominees are: Isabelle Huppert in Elle, Ruth Negga in Loving, Natalie Portman in Jackie, Emma Stone in La La Land, Meryl Streep in Foster Florence Jenkins. Isabelle Huppert and Ruth Negga are both ruled out because I’ve never heard of them or their movies. No offense ladies. I’m sure you’re lovely, but if I haven’t heard of you or your movie then neither is good enough to win. Meryl Streep, sorry. You’ve already won too many awards. You’re too good an actress to win this. Natalie Portman does deserve one for her work as Princess Amidala in one of the Star Wars movies and if there’s any justice in this world she’ll return and replace Carrie Fisher in a gold bikini. That would win an award! The Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Actress goes to Emma Stone, not for La La Land, but for her work in two Spiderman movies and The Rocker, co-starring Rainn Wilson (Dwight Schrute from The Office.)

Here’s the big one…

Best Picture nominees are: Manchester by the Sea, La La Land, Arrival, Fences, Hacksaw Ridge, Hell or High Water, Hidden Figures, Lion, and Moonlight. Lion and Moonlight are out because the titles are too short and unmemorable. If they put them together and made the movie “A Lion in the Moonlight” I would go see that. Separately they just suck. Hacksaw Ridge and Hell or High Water both sound too violent. The world doesn’t need more violence right now. Manchester by the Sea? Puh-leez! Casey Affleck never even went in the Sea when he was in Manchester. The title is a lie. Hidden Figures? No thanks. I want movies about things I can see. La La Land? Nonsense titles are no good, just ask The Police (Da Doo Doo Doo..) and The Beatles (Obli de, Obli da…) . Fences? Enough with the building walls. Denzel Gorbachev Washington, “take down that wall”. The 2017 winner of The Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Picture is Arrival because it stars the adorable Amy Adams who played the girlfriend of Jim Halpert for a season on The Office.

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Feel free to share on social media! Have a great weekend! ~Phil

The 3rd Annual Snap Judgement Oscar Awards!

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For the third year in a row I’m handing out my own Oscars using the kind of idiotic rationale we all use to choose the movies we go see. Half-assed and uninformed, The Snap Judgement Oscar Awards have been one of my more popular posts the last two years. Feel free to chip in with your opinions in the comments. The more the merrier!

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Actress in a Supporting Role: The nominees are Jennifer Jason Lee, Rooney Mara, Rachel McAdams, Alicia Vikander, and Kate Winslet. Jennifer Jason Lee is ruled out because she has three names and two of them are men’s. It’s like her name is half of the Brady Bunch. Can’t you just hear Carol Brady calling them down to dinner? “Jennifer, Jason, Lee, time for dinner! Wash your hands first!” I almost picked Rooney Mara because she’s related to two families that own football teams, and I like football. But…drumroll please! The 2016 Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Supporting Actress is Rachel McAdams because she is still one of the cutest women ever created.

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Actor in a Supporting Role: The nominees areChristian Bale, Tom Hardy, Mark Ruffalo, Mark Rylance and Sylvester Stallone. Sly Stallone is immediately ruled out because I heard once that he doesn’t allow his household staff to look him in the eye. Christian Bale is out because I hated his stupid Batman voice. Tom Hardy gets consideration because when I was a kid I read all the books about he and his brother solving mysteries. Never heard of Mark Rylance. The Snap Judgement Oscar for Supporting Actor goes to Mark Ruffalo because I like him as Dylan Rhodes in 2013’s Now You See Mea surprisingly fun movie with a great surprise ending.

Actress in a Leading Role: The nominees are Cate Blanchett, (already ruled out because she seems kind of snooty), Brie Larson, being named after cheese is a good start, Jennifer Lawrence, (the three time winner of the Hunger Games already has enough hardware), Charlotte Rampling, (interesting name is points in her favor), Saoirse Ronan, who is disqualified because no one can pronounce her first name. The Oscar for Best Actress goes to…Scarlett Johanssen in Avengers because she can rock a leather jumpsuit like nobody’s business.

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Actor in a Leading Role: Bryan Cranston, Matt Damon, Leonardo DiCaprio, Michael Fassbender, and Eddie Redmayne. Eddie is ruled out because of his weird name. Same goes for Fassbender. Damon seems to get lost in every movie, so he doesn’t need an Oscar for playing the same character again. DiCaprio? Sure, great actor. So great that he doesn’t need a trophy to validate him. The Snap Judgement Oscar for Best Leading Actor goes to Bryan Cranston for his role as the dad in Malcolm in the Middle. He was hilarious. I think he may have a future in acting. BTW, whatever happened to Frankie Muniz?

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Best Picture: The nominees are: The Big Short, Bridge of Spies, Brooklyn, Mad Max, Bring Him Home, The Revenant, Room, and Spotlight. The Big Short is out because the title is an oxymoron and they crammed the movie full of great actors in an obvious bid to get the Oscar. Bridge of Spies? It’s hard to root against Tom Hanks. Brooklyn? It’s not even the best borough in New York, so it can’t be the best movie. Mad Max? Are you kidding me? I couldn’t sit through a commercial about that crappy Comic-Con wanna-be costumed freak show, much less two hours. The Martian? Do we need to bring him home? Haven’t we seen enough Matt Damon movies? Room? That doesn’t sound exciting. I’ve got lots of rooms. Spotlight is tempting because Mark Ruffalo is in it and he played a great Hulk. The 2016 Snap Judgement Oscar Award goes to…Jurassic World starring Chris Pratt. Best 3-D effects I’ve ever seen. All movies should be in 3-D and I’m happy to pay for the extra D every time.

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So what do you think? Do you agree with my choices? What are your choices? And please include your idiotic rationale in the comments. Have a great weekend! ~Phil