Tag Archives: Pain

These Glutes Are Made For Walking!

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That cartoon above will be me one day. My favorite post every three months is this one. Since I started doing this two years ago I’ve seen others do it too. I’d like to take credit for being the first. You’re welcome. If you come from outside the blogiverse to read this, what I’m talking about is the fact that in our control panel we get to see what search terms people type into Google that bring them to our blogs. So uh, yeah, you may have gotten here by accident, but we know exactly what kind of crazy sickos some of you really are. Without further adieu, here are ten of the most “interesting” search terms that brought people to #ThePhilFactor in the last three months:

10. Real sexting conversations to read in Hindi: As I explained previously, Hindi is a language, Hindu is a religion. About 6 months ago I noticed “real sexting conversations to read in Hindi” coming up as a search term bringing people to my blog. I thought it was funny so I wrote a hilarious post about it. Now, EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. at least twenty people come to my blog using that search term. Some days more people read my ‘sexting in Hindi’ post than the new post I put up that day. I am now the most popular Hindi dating advice site in the world.

9. Most painful things on Earth: Apparently reading my blog is one of them. People are surprisingly interested in pain. Ever since I wrote this post back in October droves of people have come to my site because they want to know about things that cause pain. I’d think “how to avoid pain” would be more popular.

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8. Yogapantsnono: It’s odd that someone got to my site using this phrase because usually if I see yoga pants I say yes yes, but that’s only because I look so good in them.

7. Charity for disabled rodents: That’s right, all proceeds from sales of merchandise in The Phil Factor Gift Shoppe are donated to buy tiny wheelchairs for rats. Who knows, one might turn out to be the next Stephen Hawking!

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6. Perks of dating a zombi: Apparently Google thinks I’m a dating site for zombies and Hindi’s. That’s right, The Phil Factor brings people together. I’m the Chuck Woolery of the blogging world.

5. People Die at Disney: Why did this bring people to my blog? I can’t say it’s untrue. I’m sure it’s happened there at least once. Those Caribbean pirates do look like an unsavory lot. There goes my chance to get Disney as an advertiser on The Phil Factor. BTW, most of you probably know that when Walt Disney died he had his head cryogenically frozen. I can’t wait to see them bring that back on top of an animatronic robot.

4. Useless things learned in elementary school: That pretty much sums up The Phil Factor.

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3. Fecal impaction cartoon picture: If you weren’t constipated when you started reading this, you are now!

2. I know you don’t need me anymore: Yes, The Phil Factor is the bastion of last resort for the lovelorn and heartbroken. Come find solace in my words. Luckily, if you are on the wrong end of a breakup you can probably find a zombie or Hindi speaking person here who is also looking for a little lovin’.

empowernetwork.com

empowernetwork.com

1. These glutes are made for walking nude: Wasn’t that an old Nancy Sinatra song? The glutes are made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these days these glutes are gonna walk all over you

The genius of this is that for those of you who know that song, it will be stuck in your head all day except you’ll be singing “These glutes are made for walking…” Have a great weekend! ~ Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! The Ten Most Painful Things That Have Ever Happened To Me

Keeping in mind that pain and experiences are very subjective, here are the ten most painful things I’ve ever experienced.

10. Stubbing only my pinky toe: This is the worst isn’t it? Especially because it’s never expected. I’ve done this several times because there is absolutely no way to prevent it from happening unless I wear steel-toed boots all the time.

9. Tore a tricep muscle in a scooter accident: You know those little razor scooters that used to be popular among kids? (see picture below) About 6 years ago, when I was still a full-grown adult, my family was going to go out to dinner. My son was playing over at a friends house and did not yet own a cell phone, so I hopped on his razor scooter to zip over there and tell him it was time to go home. I have a downhill driveway and those little scooter wheels have absolutely no traction. Needless to say, when I tried to make the turn at the bottom of the driveway the scooter and I went our separate directions and I hit the ground on my left elbow.

Picture credit: esquire.com

Picture credit: esquire.com

8. Big toe possibly broken by a speeding baseball: My middle son used to be a very good high school baseball player. During a pitching workout I played catcher for him. I wore all the catchers gear because he could throw the ball around 75 mph (121 kph) or better. One place the gear doesn’t cover is the end of your feet. Often pitches move towards the end of their flight. Towards the end of one balls flight it dropped low and away from the center of the plate and struck me right in the big toe. Well, not right on the big toe. I was wearing sneakers. It felt like my toe exploded.

7. Getting a novacaine injection right into the roof of my mouth: I was having one of several oral surgeries I’ve had in my life. The needle into the roof of my mouth hurt enough that I reflexively grabbed the armrests to prevent me from shooting out of the chair.  To add insult to injury the oral surgeon said “Oops” as blood spurted out onto his hand. It was my blood, not his. If I have a top ten list of times you don’t want to hear oops, when a needle is in your mouth is definitely one of them.

6. Paper cut: The pain doesn’t last long, but for a fraction of a second you think you’re going to bleed to death.

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5. A combination of bone spurs and a torn labrum: These things were both occurring in my right shoulder at the same time. The labrum is a cuff of cartilage-like stuff that goes around the ball and socket joint helping to hold it in place. One day, the day I decided to finally have surgery, I was walking down a hallway at work and suddenly something happened in my shoulder, possibly the torn labrum got pinched in the joint. The pain literally staggered me.

4. Guy fell on my head: I was playing basketball and I dove for a loose ball. Another player fell right on my head, driving my face into the floor. I needed stitches above my right eye and broke a tooth.

3. In bare feet at night and stepping on a Lego you didn’t see: Here’s my advice: If you’re not a parent yet, you can avoid the whole thing by just keeping the status quo. If you are a parent, never ever buy your children Legos. Even if you’re vigilant about them picking them up, one time they’ll miss one and you’ll step on it and fall to the floor.

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2. Childbirth: Look, you women can whine all you want about pushing a watermelon out of a garden hose, but you get to lay down and take pain meds. When my wife gave birth I had to stand next to the bed for hours. My feet and back were exhausted and sore. I put this in to see how many of you read this far and want to yell at me now.

1. Inadequate local anesthesia for cut into my spine: For many years I had a small, cyst under the skin right over my lower spine. The doctor said it was just some skin cells that clogged the pore. For a decade that cyst sat there doing nothing. Then one day it blew up to the size of a golf ball, on my back. A painful golf ball. It was infected. I went to a general surgeon who put some local anesthesia around the cyst. Then cut it open and started cleaning the infection out. It felt like someone took a scalding hot, razor sharp knife and was directly poking at unprotected nerves. It was the kind of pain that made me grip the corners of the exam table and grit my teeth.

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil