Tag Archives: politics

TBT! When I’m Elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive

With the Presidential election just 5 weeks away, I thought it was time to start my campaigning. Here’s a classic Phil Factor from October of 2012:


When I am elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, the political season is going to change by virtue of the newly enacted Phil Laws. What are the Phil Laws you ask? The Phil Laws are a set of laws that I will unilaterally impose without interference from Congress, the Senate or anyone. That’s the first law. These laws will impose common sense upon a broken world by addressing virtually any issue I see fit to correct from doing away with paper check writing to eliminating daylight savings time to having every public bathroom stall the size of the handicapped stalls.I could write pages on the Phil Laws, but today I’m going to address the political campaign season.

1. No more political ads on television: They’re not entertaining. They’re not factual, and it’s not even possible that every candidate is a former serial killer litterbug. No more t.v. commercials. Just get some bumper stickers and set up a website and if we’re interested we’ll go look at it.


2. No more prime time debates: We’re already angry enough at the politicians. Why do they feel the need to further enrage us by disrupting the new episodes of our favorite shows just when the fall season is getting underway. When the Phil Laws take effect all political debates will occur during the evening news. It’s what the evening news is going to talk about the day off and day after anyway.

3. No more political parties. One, don’t call them parties. These two groups are not even remotely fun. Two, virtually every politician has flipped flopped back and forth between parties in their career so who knows what their beliefs are anyway. No more party affiliations. Tell us what you plan to do when you’re elected and if we like your ideas better than the other candidate we’ll vote for you.


4. The Presidential Age Limit: Currently the law requires that you be 35 years of age to become President. Why? Do we suddenly become smarter at 35 than we were at 30 or 25? You know what? If I’m in college and I can’t get the job I want until I’m 35 years old then I’m going to pick another major. That’s why the geniuses behind Angry Birds and Facebook are doing what they do. Are you telling me those silicon valley software tycoons who are millionaires by the time they’re 28 aren’t smart? Those are the people I want solving the worlds problems for me. The Phil Laws will lower the Presidential age limit to 25 and put a cap on the upper age a President can be. It’s a medical fact that our cognition, memory, and reaction time all start decreasing as we age. Why are we electing the people who are more likely to have a decline in their functioning in office? I say top it at 60 years and give them a nice pension. To those that would cry age discrimination I would say that the Presidency is too important to risk on someone who is losing brain cells at an alarming rate AND isn’t it already age discrimination to say someone under 35 can’t do the job?

Thank you very much. You’ve been a wonderful audience. Drive safely. Have a great Thursday! ~Phil