I won’t. I won’t do it. No matter how much she begs or how many songs she writes, I won’t date Taylor Swift. Here’s why:
10. If Taylor Swift married me and took my name, her name would be Taylor Taylor and that’s just ridiculous. But, if she took my first name as her married surname, her name would be Taylor Phil. I might consider letting her do that. It would be great fun at party introductions. “Hi, I’m Phil Taylor and this is my wife Taylor Phil.”
9. If she and I broke up with each other she’d write songs about it and I’d write blogs about it. Does the world really need that?
8. The relationship would never work. She’d be jealous and insecure about my success. It would probably destroy her.
7. Mrs. Phil would probably kick both our asses , resulting in a lengthy and highly public trial, and I can’t go through that again.
5. She’s too tall. At 5’11’, she’s taller than me, and well… there’s all sorts of ways that would be awkward. Like at red carpet events for instance: “Hi Taylor. Melissa Rivers here from E! network. Oh wait, stop the camera. Why is your chauffeur still with you?”
4. I don’t want to get stuck supporting that one hit wonder in her old age when she’s lost her marginal good looks and blown all the money she made from that one song that did ok.
3. She’s attractive and all, but she’s no Kylie Minogue. (A little blatant pandering to my U.K. and Australian friends who’ve read this far. If you did, give me a quick shout out in the comments so I know that reference wasn’t in vain)
2. I’m a pretty forgiving guy, but not once has Taylor’s agent called me and asked if she could be interviewed on #ThePhilFactor. I don’t pursue. I’m the pursued.
1. Taylor may be able to rhyme some catchy lyrics, but from what I’ve heard she’s a snooze when it comes to conversation. Apparently Taylor isn’t all that swift.
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