Tag Archives: unemployment humor

The Unemployment Diaries Day 3: Home Alone?

Apparently, if me and Macaulay Culkin had a baby, it would not be pretty

Day 3: Wife stayed home from work today due to illness. Suddenly being unemployed isn’t nearly as fun as it was yesterday. I guess I’ll have to start looking for a job.

Possible Job Thoughts: (this is an actual picture from the Notes file on my phone)

Run for President: We all know this is already a given, but the election isn’t until 2020. So even if I get the job, the paychecks won’t start coming in until 2021. It also takes time to build momentum, so I’ll need your help. Here’s what you can do: Whenever you share one of my posts on Facebook or Twitter, add the hashtag #PHIL2020.

Apply to Celebrity Big Brother: TV ads are teasing the new season of Celebrity Big Brother, but I don’t think it’s too late for me to jump on board. And why wouldn’t they want me? I have one of the longest running blogs in the world!

Wait, are you questioning my credentials of being “celebrity” enough for Celebrity Big Brother? Seriously? OK, if you want to, let’s do this! Here’s some of the cast:

Natalie Eva Marie. Who? Do you know she is? You probably don’t, but you know who I am. Boom. There’s one that I’m more famous than.

Ryan Lochte? Michael Phelps shadow much? A former Olympic swimmer who’s more famous for getting drunk at the Rio Olympics and kicking in the bathroom door of a gas station. Hell, there’s probably twenty rednecks in my podunk town who have been on the local news for the same thing.

Tamar Braxton? Apparently singer Toni Braxton  has a sister that no one had heard of until the Big Brother ads hit TV this week.   I wonder if Toni even knew.

Jonathan BennettYou could show up at any kindergarten class in a well to do American suburb and find four kids named Jonathan Bennett.

Don’t worry, I’m not going to go through all twelve alleged “celebrities”. You get the idea. You’ve heard of me more than you’ve heard of them. CBS, get me on that show! And, one thing I have in common with all of the pseudo celebrities is that I’m unemployed too!

That’s it for today folks! Thanks for reading. Have a great Friday! ~Phil

#PHIL2020

The Unemployment Diaries: Day 1

For the first time in over 30 years, I don’t have a job. As will happen occasionally, if you work for corporate America, you get laid off. I’m not going to bash my former company. They treated me well for a long time.  What I am going to do is chronicle my adventures as I try to find things to do when I have nothing to do.

My initial impression of what happens to guys who lose their job is Michael Keaton in Mr. Mom:

I posted the picture of me at the top so you can see what I look like on Day 1. Who knows? Maybe on Day 28 I will have a beard and be walking around the house in a robe. Or maybe I’ll have a funny, kick-ass blog. I didn’t do it today, but I intend to go to video blogging occasionally. I’ve never done it, but have always wanted to.

Being without a job is freeing. I’ve spent over 30 years going to work at least 40 hours a week. So, having some time off is why I’m smiling in the picture above. Also yesterday, all alone in my house, I did a little bit of this:

I really did dance around my house for no reason yesterday, but it was to Green Day. I couldn’t pull off Tom Cruise’s slide across the floor in my socks because I have carpeting. If I could have, you would have seen it because I would have filmed myself sliding by the laptop camera.

You’re probably wondering if my Unemployment Diaries series of blog posts is just going to be references to 80’s movies. The answer is, I don’t know. I honestly don’t know where my mind will take me when I have this much unstructured free time.

So far today I endured a brief panic when I thought the toaster didn’t work. Briefly, I wondered if I could eat my dog if things got too dire. Fortunately I figured out the toaster issue. Her life is saved, for now. Actually, I probably won’t eat her. When I was on the phone with my former company’s human resources department being told I was laid off, my dog was in the corner throwing up on the rug. She knows how to read the room.

Then I had an argument with Amazon’s Alexa device which resulted in me shouting “Shut up Alexa” and storming out of the room. She is just such a fecking know it all. I fear that my relationship with Alexa may not survive this.

Stay tuned…  ~Phil