Sadly, none of these were written by me. I love my Twitter though. If I was still doing stand-up I’d be stealing from Twitter all the time. In no particular order of funniness, here are ten tweets that made me laugh this week.
@Quartzjixler: Fifty Shades of Grey? See it all the time. – dogs
@AnAbsurdBird: I only go to the gym this time of day cos *all the pensioners in make me look like a badass, *some of, *OK! Just that guy with the dodgy hip.
@SamGrittner: POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
@Sasshole: I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body. Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
@HeyZeus666: *starts hot tub time machine*
*goes back 3 hours in time*
*saves fifteen bucks by not going to see Hot Tub Time Machine*
@SardonicTart: If God is real, then explain why the weekend is only two days
@Ryncasaurus: Woman: what colour are my eyes?
Man: white
W: what? White??
M: oh. Sorry. That’s the only part we see when you’re always rolling them at us.
@biclops72: The Grinch’s prostate was also 3 sizes too big
@CatherineLMK: Oh, so if a baby takes 3 steps and falls over, everyone goes nuts. But if I do it I’m “an embarrassment” and “ruining your son’s birthday”?
Like I said, I love my Twitter, but not everyone “gets” Twitter. If you aren’t a tweeter but would like to understand it a little better, read my post from last fall, A Guide to Twitter for the Non-Twits. If you are on Twitter and I’m not following you yet, follow me @ThePhilFactor and I’ll follow you back. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil