It’s coming. It’s coming soon whether you like it or not. This week the most powerful man in the world will be announced. What? You thought that was that little election from last week? Puh-leeze! Sometime in the next two days People Magazine will announce their Sexiest Man Alive for 2016. I may have been called a lot of things over the years, but, hard to believe, this prestigious title has eluded me. Yes, I know you’re surely saying to yourself, “What? There must be some mistake! How could Phil not already have been named Sexiest Man Alive?” Here are the top ten reasons why I should be:
10. I have a blog: Most of the dopes who are named Sexiest Man Alive don’t have a blog. Heck, we’re not even sure if most of them can read or write.
9. I would look great on money: Why not? Why does money have to feature old, dead Presidents? Most of them are pretty ugly any way. I propose that each Sexiest Man Alive gets to spend the following year as the face on the American one dollar bill.
8. I’m an accessible, man of the people kind of guy: You can e-mail me, comment on my blog, follow me on Twitter and play me in Words with Friends. How often will Leonardo DiCaprio or Chris Hemsworth do that for you?
7. When I’m elected Sexiest Man Alive: I will outlaw corks on wine bottles and mandate they all be screw caps. There’s no good reason we have to continue to use a medieval torture device to open our wine.
6. I’m all natural: Unlike most of the previous Sexiest Men, I’m all natural, no steroids, hair implants or hair dye. I’m 100% pure, all American man.
5. I’m employed: Have you ever noticed that they always choose actors? That’s a fly by night bunch if I ever saw one. Flitting from one job to the next. I’m employed full-time every day and I have health insurance. That’s the American dream right?
4. In you’re life, I’m more important than any of those actors. Think about it. You intentionally look at my picture on this blog several times a week. How often do you go out of your way to look at Channing Tatum or David Beckham?
3. I once dated Kim Kardashian:
2. I was once named Sexiest Blogger Alive so doesn’t it make sense that I should take the next step and ascend to the real throne?
1. If something were to happen to Donald Trump I would be next in line for the Presidency, right?
Come back Thursday for my iconic annual reaction to Sexiest Man Alive announcement. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil