As everyone knows, during his campaign Donald Trump promised to build a wall between the United States and Mexico. Listen Donald, if we’re building walls, I can think of plenty of other groups of people we should build walls against. In fact, I can think of ten:
10. People who still write paper checks at stores. This is a group of people who need to be walled off from the rest of the world, if only for their own protection. Can you say “justifiable homicide”?
9. People who want “you to copy and paste this message to your Facebook status for one hour.” I don’t care if I agree with whatever message it is, I’m not going to do it. In fact, if you say that only your “true friends will copy and paste”, I’ll be happy not to be “true friends” with people who propagate 21st century chain letters and try to bully people with emotional blackmail.
8. The audience comedian at a real stand-up comedy show. Listen, the show will go on just fine if all you do is laugh. Keep your mouth shut otherwise. You are not as funny as the professional on stage. Yes, you’re friends tell you that you’re a “hoot.” You’re not. They’re lying so they don’t hurt your feelings. I didn’t pay to hear you talk.
7. My Problem is more important than yours people. They go to whatever store you’re in and tie up the cashier for 20 minutes with a problem that should have been dealt with elsewhere and is probably because the idiot didn’t understand something simple.
6. Social Media Trolls: If only there was a way to build a virtual internet wall around these losers. Then they could just criticize each other all day.
5. Every writer, director and producer of “reality” TV shows: Enough already. There’s no reality in these shows and no originality at all anymore. I hereby declare a wall should be built around these dolts so that no more stupid, fake shows like The Apprentice will ever be made.
4. Drivers who…well, pretty much all drivers, including us. How often have you been driving and gone completely mental, screaming obscenities at someone who turned too slowly and then a hundred meters later you’re incensed that someone honked at you for doing the same thing? We’re all idiots in this regard. Too bad there isn’t some kind of breathalyzer device that prevents you from driving when you’re in a bad mood.
3. The ‘Yeah but’ people: These people can’t let anyone say anything positive about anything. Example: You: “That Pope seems like such a nice guy!” Them: “Yeah, but did you hear that his motorcade ran over a rat when he was in New York?” You: “I just won millions in the lottery!” Them: “Yeah, but you’re gonna have to pay a shitload of taxes.”
2. The Overly Effusive People: They’re the opposite of the last group. EVERYTHING is the greatest thing that they’ve ever seen, heard, done, or tasted. These people really need to dial back the Prozac by a few milligrams. Listen skippy, I enjoy this song, movie, meal or whatever as much as the next guy, but I don’t feel it’s necessary to re-enact the Meg Ryan orgasm scene from When Harry Met Sally eight times a day.
1. People with blogs: 99% of the people with blogs think they’re way more interesting than they really are. The other 1% read my blog. I have never once said the phrase, “You should read my blog!” Write, if it’s any good, people will read it. Also if you read other people’s blogs, they’ll read yours back, maybe. But don’t put “Blogger” on your LinkedIn profile unless someone is paying you to do it, and don’t tell people to read your blog. You’re giving the rest of us a bad name.
See Mr. Trump? It’s not necessary to discriminate based on race, religion, or nationality. When I am elected president, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I am going to discriminate on the basis of idiocy. If you know any of these people, please feel free to share this on FB or Twitter so they can develop some self-awareness. If I missed any of your favorite people to hate, please add them in the comments. If I get enough, I’ll make your suggestions into next weeks list. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil