Tag Archives: Canada

Throwback Thursday! Canada: Elaborate Winter Theme Park or Dangerous Adversary?

(Originally posted 10/18/2014) You know how people talk about “the elephant in the room” when they’re referring to something that’s obvious but everyone is pretending to ignore? Canada is the elephant in North America. It’s there but we don’t really pay it much attention, unless Rob Ford goes nuts or…umm…or…uhh..well, I guess there isn’t anything else that makes us notice Canada. I’m also not sure that Rob Ford isn’t a theme park character anyway. (Rob, if you’re reading this, get well. I’m rooting for you)

canadabeaversign (2)

Canada has been a particularly big elephant to ignore in my life because I’ve never lived more than a 2 1/2 hour drive from their border. I live in New York, but I’m closer to Toronto than I am to New York City. That being the case I’ve always had a good view of Canada but from a safe distance. Sometimes I throw things at it. All those sunset pictures you’ve seen on my blog? That’s Canada on the other side of that lake looming ominously, maybe even leering at me.

Just like going to Disney, as soon as you cross the border into Canada you know you’re somewhere “different.” It’s kind of like where you just were but things are slightly off. As soon as you cross the border into Canada it’s snowing. It could be the middle of July and the entire country is blanketed in snow. I’m not even sure it’s real snow. I think they just produce the fake stuff for the tourists. But is there an even more sinister reason they’re trying to “snow” us?

reddit.com

reddit.com

They also seem to be using that newfangled metric system that everyone was so jazzed up about years ago. Basically that means that all their numbers are in a different language the same way the Smurfs had their own weird little language. I have no idea how to tell time in metric either.

Speaking of different languages, the province of Quebec speaks French! I don’t think that’s an accident either. I think that Quebec is the secret headquarters of Canada. They speak French because they know that all the Americans are too lazy to learn it. They speak French right out in the open, in front of Americans! Arrogant bastards. Since we can’t understand them, they’re free to talk about their secret plan to invade America.

If it were any other country, that type of subterfuge would be worrisome, but we’ve seen their “army” so we’re not too concerned.

popdoctor.com

popdoctor.com

Another oddity that most people don’t know is that their primary export is not maple syrup or Tim Horton’s coffee, it’s comedians. Seth Rogen, Mike Myers, Jim Carrey, John Candy, Alan Thicke, Michael J. Fox, Howie Mandel, Martin Short and Justin Bieber are just a few of the thousands of comedians and comedic actors and actresses that have been sent across the border to infiltrate and warp the American culture. Seriously, if Justin Bieber isn’t evidence that the Canadians are trying to destroy America then I don’t know what is.

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor and want to alert everyone to the looming Canadian threat then please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog buttons below. Canada is no laughing matter. Have a great week! ~Phil

Canada: Elaborate Winter Theme Park or Dangerous Adversary?

You know how people talk about the elephant in the room when they’re referring to something that’s obvious but everyone is pretending to ignore? Canada is the elephant in North America. It’s there but we don’t really pay it much attention, unless Rob Ford goes nuts or…umm…or…uhh..well, I guess there isn’t anything else that makes us notice Canada. I’m also not sure that Rob Ford isn’t a theme park character anyway. (Rob, if you’re reading this, get well. I’m rooting for you)

canadabeaversign (2)

Canada has been a particularly big elephant to ignore in my life because I’ve never lived more than a 2 1/2 hour drive from their border. I live in New York, but I’m closer to Toronto than I am to New York City. That being the case I’ve always had a good view of Canada but from a safe distance. Sometimes I throw things at it. All those sunset pictures you’ve seen on my blog? That’s Canada on the other side of that lake looming ominously, maybe even leering at me.

Just like going to Disney, as soon as you cross the border into Canada you know you’re somewhere “different.” It’s kind of like where you just were but things are slightly off. As soon as you cross the border into Canada it’s snowing. It could be the middle of July and the entire country is blanketed in snow. I’m not even sure it’s real snow. I think they just produce the fake stuff for the tourists. But is there an even more sinister reason they’re trying to “snow” us?

reddit.com

reddit.com

They also seem to be using that newfangled metric system that everyone was so jazzed up about years ago. Basically that means that all their numbers are in a different language the same way the Smurfs had their own weird little language. I have no idea how to tell time in metric either.

Speaking of different languages, the province of Quebec speaks French! I don’t think that’s an accident either. I think that Quebec is the secret headquarters of Canada. They speak French because they know that all the Americans are too lazy to learn it. They speak French right out in the open, in front of Americans! Arrogant bastards. Since we can’t understand them, they’re free to talk about their secret plan to invade America.

If it were any other country, that type of subterfuge would be worrisome, but we’ve seen their “army” so we’re not too concerned.

popdoctor.com

popdoctor.com

Another oddity that most people don’t know is that their primary export is not maple syrup or Tim Horton’s coffee, it’s comedians. Seth Rogen, Mike Myers, Jim Carrey, John Candy, Alan Thicke, Michael J. Fox, Howie Mandel, Martin Short and Justin Bieber are just a few of the thousands of comedians and comedic actors and actresses that have been sent across the border to infiltrate and warp the American culture. Seriously, if Justin Bieber isn’t evidence that the Canadians are trying to destroy America then I don’t know what is.

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor and want to alert everyone to the looming Canadian threat then please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog buttons below. Canada is no laughing matter. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Throwback Thursdays! Beware The Canadian Twitter Invasion!

tweet

(05/11/13) About three years ago one of my sons had taken one of those silver permanent markers that are often used for autographs and wrote “Tweetin’ is a Habit” on his guitar case. At the time I remember thinking to myself, Holy crap! What an incredible dork! I didn’t think this because he was a fan of Twitter though. I thought it because he was an incredible dork.

Two or three years ago I signed up for a Twitter account but never really used it. Recently, thanks to my new friend @GregoryGAllen, I have become a Tweeter, or a Twitterer, or is it a Twit? Most would argue that it’s the third, and perhaps always was.

For those of us in the United States, using Twitter is like going to Canada. Like Canada, the Twitter language, customs, and etiquette are almost like ours, but just a little bit off. And there’s no weird money with pictures of geese. Although, I suppose the Twitter bird logo might be a goose. Maybe Twitter is a Canadian plot to bring down the U.S. by slowly distracting our entire workforce little by little until the country comes to a screeching halt and is ready for an invasion by their Dudley Do-Right military force. We’d have to be really distracted for them to invade us with a bunch of red-suited, horse-riding, unarmed soldiers. Did you know that the Canadians have their own internet? That seems kind of suspicious doesn’t it? If you put ca either in front of or behind a web address you can sneak into the Canadian internet. I did this once and found someone mocking the Americans on his sarcastic little Frenchy blog.  Jerk.

I checked the trending topics on the Canadian Twitter and it’s mostly stuff about bacon, maple syrup, hockey and Alex Trebek. You know why I’m certain that the Canadians are out to get us? Justin Bieber. Yup, he’s a Canadian spy sent to the U.S. to distract us. See, the thing is, Canadians aren’t an aggressive bunch. They’re hoping that if enough teens are distracted by Justin Bieber and Drake they’ll ignore their studies and eventually our future society will fall apart and we’ll have to rely on some crazy form of their socialized medicine. Oh wait a minute….

I initially set out to write a funny blog about Twitter and some of the strange abbreviations and terms I’ve had to learn as I’ve gotten up to speed in the Twitterverse, but just like everything else, I was distracted by the Canadians. They are a wily, bewitching bunch aren’t they? Brief fun fact, which I didn’t know until college; my high schools song and the Canadian anthem are sung to the same tune. I’m not sure which came first. Just more evidence that they’re infiltrating our society. Anywho, (which I think is a Canadian saying) if you Tweet and want another Twit you can follow me @ThePhilFactor by clicking the Twitter button up there in the left sidebar. As always, if you even smirked a little as you read this please hit the Facebook and Twitter share buttons below.

Throwback Thursdays! Oh Canada! I’m Lovin’ It (1/9/2007)

Hi everyone. Happy Thursday. The title isn’t sarcastic. I do love Canada for all it’s quirkiness and for the odd fact that my high school borrowed the tune from their national anthem for our school song.

mcdonalds-canada-logo

(Jan. 9, 2007) Yes, this is another in my ongoing series of posts professing my admiration for the great country I lovingly refer to as my friendly neighbor to the north. In fact, of all the countries that share a land border with the United States, Canada is definitely one of my top two favorites.

I am, however, writing this post to alert all of you to an outrageous situation that could possibly lead to an international conflict between our two peaceful countries. Yes, admittedly the blasphemous act has been perpetrated by an agent of the capitalistic United States corporate aristocracy. It is an act of such blatant prejudice against our poutine loving friends that I have been unable to sleep since discovering it. It began yesterday when, on a rare occasion, I happened to visit that bastion of American culinary excellence, McDonald’s. Upon arriving I was guided to the appropriate line by the maitre d.

After receiving my delicious and healthy meal I glanced down at the receipt which had been placed face down on my tray by the pleasant and hickey laden serving wench. On the back was an advertisement inviting me to participate in an online survey for the chance to win lavish McDonald’s prizes. Here I will quote you verbatim what I read that upset me so much: “Open only to legal residents of the U.S. and Canada (other than the Province of Quebec), 15 years of age and older. In order to win, a Canadian resident must answer a skill testing question.”

Yes, that’s correct. If a Canadian wants to win a free Big Mac they need to answer a skill question while us regular Americans don’t have to do anything but fill out the survey! I took the survey giving my information as both an American and a Canadian (I used the University of Guelph’s phone number), but couldn’t find the skills question. What could McDonald’s have against Canadians? And what possible question could they ask to determine if a Canadian is worthy of a coupon for a free Big Mac? I certainly hope that this horrific slight doesn’t spark a war between the U.S. and Canada. Who knows what kind of atrocities of war those red-suited Mounties might commit against us. I imagine that their pent up fury over those uniforms would make them one hellacious fighting force. I wonder if they can sneak their horses through customs at the border? Damn, first Iraq and now this. I think we’d better send Condoleeza Rice up there to make amends. Maybe she can convince Canadian McDonald’s to give a free supersize to every Canuck to smooth things over.

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please share it on Facebook and Twitter. Do it fast too because I’m about to go big time. Yesterday Jimmy Fallon’s sister favorited one of my Tweets. So basically, my interview on The Tonight Show is a done deal. See you Saturday! ~Phil

Unusual Things I’m Thankful For

Some people sit down to Thanksgiving dinner and spew meaningless platitudes about what they are thankful for. Some even blog their meaningless platitudes. I wonder if there are platypus platitudes? I’m pretty sure platypuses, or is it platypi, are not thankful for their duck bills. All the other beavers must tease them terribly about that. Platypuses are from Australia, but the picture below is from Canada.com . That doesn’t surprise me. Platypuses seem like the kind of animal they’d have in Canada doesn’t it? Don’t get me wrong, I love Canadians, but everything up there is just a little off. That’s why the platypi would fit right in. I have to say though, I’ve never met a Canadian I didn’t like. Or a platypus for that matter.

platy456f

Ok, so far I’m thankful for platypi and Canadians. Like I said,  no meaningless, redundant, obvious platitudes for me.  I’m going to come up with some brilliant stuff off the cuff right now. So sit back and get ready to be dazzled by my pithiness. No, I didn’t say ‘bedazzled’. I said “be dazzled”, although there is absolutely nothing wrong with bedazzling. Without it my wardrobe would lack pizzazz. I like the word pizzazz because it reminds me of pizza, which is what I think should really be served on Thanksgiving.  To be honest, I thought I was making up the word pithiness too, but when the spell-check didn’t flag it I was pleasantly surprised, but also disappointed that I couldn’t take credit for inventing a word.

Ok, moving on, so far off the top of my head I’m thankful for platypuses, Canada, the Bedazzler, and spell-check. Oh, and pizza. I’m always thankful for pizza.

bedazzled

Trying to find pictures of men’s bedazzled jeans I also learned that Bedazzled was also a movie starring Brendan Fraser and Elizabeth Hurley. Who knew?

bedazzled movie

Lastly, I’d like to say that I am thankful for you, the people that read and like or comment on my blog and who read my books and give wonderful reviews on Amazon. Without your kindness my life would be missing something. Whether you’re from the United States or not, Happy Thanksgiving from me and all the staff here at #ThePhilFactor. What are you thankful for?

Beware the Canadian Twitter Invasion

tweetAbout three years ago one of my sons had taken one of those silver permanent markers that are often used for autographs and wrote “Tweetin’ is a Habit” on his guitar case. At the time I remember thinking to myself, Holy crap! What an incredible dork! I didn’t think this because he was a fan of Twitter though. I thought it because he was an incredible dork.

Two or three years ago I signed up for a Twitter account but never really used it. Recently, thanks to my new friend @GregoryGAllen, I have become a Tweeter, or a Twitterer, or is it a Twit? Most would argue that it’s the third, and perhaps always was.

For those of us in the United States, using Twitter is like going to Canada. Like Canada, the Twitter language, customs, and etiquette are almost like ours, but just a little bit off. And there’s no weird money with pictures of geese. Although, I suppose the Twitter bird logo might be a goose. Maybe Twitter is a Canadian plot to bring down the U.S. by slowly distracting our entire workforce little by little until the country comes to a screeching halt and is ready for an invasion by their Dudley Do-Right military force. We’d have to be really distracted for them to invade us with a bunch of red-suited, horse-riding, unarmed soldiers. Did you know that the Canadians have their own internet? That seems kind of suspicious doesn’t it? If you put ca either in front of or behind a web address you can sneak into the Canadian internet. I did this once and found someone mocking the Americans on his sarcastic little Frenchy blog.  Jerk.

I checked the trending topics on the Canadian Twitter and it’s mostly stuff about bacon, maple syrup, hockey and Alex Trebek. You know why I’m certain that the Canadians are out to get us? Justin Bieber. Yup, he’s a Canadian spy sent to the U.S. to distract us. See, the thing is, Canadians aren’t an aggressive bunch. They’re hoping that if enough teens are distracted by Justin Bieber and Drake they’ll ignore their studies and eventually our future society will fall apart and we’ll have to rely on some crazy form of their socialized medicine. Oh wait a minute….

I initially set out to write a funny blog about Twitter and some of the strange abbreviations and terms I’ve had to learn as I’ve gotten up to speed in the Twitterverse, but just like everything else, I was distracted by the Canadians. They are a wily, bewitching bunch aren’t they? Brief fun fact, which I didn’t know until college; my high schools song and the Canadian anthem are sung to the same tune. I’m not sure which came first. Just more evidence that they’re infiltrating our society. Anywho, (which I think is a Canadian saying) if you Tweet and want another Twit you can follow me @ThePhilFactor by clicking the Twitter button up there in the left sidebar. As always, if you even smirked a little as you read this please hit the Facebook and Twitter share buttons below.