Category Archives: weather

TBT! The “I Love All Four Seasons” People

Get ready. This is coming

(Sept. 10, 2016) We’ve all been in this conversation:

Other Human: Boy it sure is hot today!

Me: Yeah, but I’ll take this over winter any day.

Other Human: Not me! I love all four seasons! The fall colors are beautiful, and there’s nothing better than curling up in front of the fire on a cold winter night. And the Spring! All the flowers are beautiful!

Me: (imagining myself punching Other Human in the face)  What are you, fecking Snow White? The other seasons suck. You’re dead to me.

I’m not sure, but I imagine Snow White as the ultimate optimist. Her step-mother tried to kill her and she just went and lived with dwarfs until a Prince came along. And she sang and whistled happy tunes while doing housework! She probably loved all four seasons. I’ve never once sang and whistled while shoveling three feet of snow from my driveway.

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“Oh the Fall is so beautiful. I love the colors!” Yeah, well you know what? The colors on my 50 inch HD TV are gorgeous and I don’t have to go outside and pick the colors up off my yard for two months while inhaling mold and allergens. That’s ok though, you go ahead and frolic in leaf piles.

My problem is that I’ve lived in the northeastern part of the United States for my entire life. The first half of my life was my parents fault. But since I was liberated from their tyrannical control, it’s all on me that I still live here. I’ve grown sick and tired of damp, cool, Falls, cold, snowy winters, and Springs that are like living in England. (Yeah, sorry England, I hate to break it to you, but your weather is not great.)

I’m all about being an optimist and understanding others perspectives, but in February of 2015 the average temperature for the entire month in my hometown was 12 degrees. And not toasty warm 12 degrees celsius, whatever that is. It was 12 degrees Fahrenheit which is the manly American way of measuring temperature. We had over 100 inches (254 centimeters) of snow for the entire winter. Snow that had to be removed from driveways and roads. Yeah, you “I love all four seasons” people, how much fun was that season?

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That picture above this is me every Spring until about June. Yes, I know that rain is good for nature and all, but seriously, how can you “I love the four seasons” people actually love Spring? Who enjoys going around being damp all the time?

Admit it, none of you  really love all the seasons. You know who says that? Idiots and people who live somewhere that doesn’t really have all four seasons. So as summer turns into Fall, consider yourselves warned that if you engage in a weather related conversation with me, it’s not going to end well.

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

The Snowpocalypse! (aka Snow in the South)

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It happened last week. The annual snowpocalypse in the southeastern United States. For those of you from other countries, there are parts of the United States that get a lot of snow for about four months every year. I live in one of those unfortunate places. For us, getting a foot (30 centimetres) of snow overnight just means that we have to spend a little extra time clearing our driveway before we go to work. In the southeastern region of the United States they get snow about once a year, and when they get it, it’s about one to three inches (2-6 centimetres). What makes us Northerners laugh is their reaction to it, or rather their overreaction to it.

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Now I know that making fun of southerners reaction to snow is as easy as shooting fish in a barrel, which is apparently something they do in the South. Maybe that’s why they get so upset by snow. Maybe their barrels freeze over and they can’t shoot fish. We’ve all seen news footage of people fleeing a hail of bullets during a terrorist attack. That’s exactly how people in the south flee a hail of…well, hail. Although in the South they’ll try shooting back first, because everyone in the south in America is ‘packing’.

Last year Atlanta, Georgia got a couple inches of snow one day and immediately every motor vehicle on the road just stopped. They didn’t break down or anything, they all put it in park and just sat there waiting for the sun to return. School buses full of children on their way home stopped. The kids slept overnight on the buses parked on the highways.  Businesses everywhere just closed up until the white stuff was all gone. Remember when you were a kid and you and your siblings would play that game where you pretend the floor is lava and you have to jump from furniture to furniture? That’s southerners with snow.

This is how we handle snow on the roads up north:

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If you’re a grocery store owner in the south you pray for that snowmaggedon each year because in the south people imagine that when that two inches of snow hits, they’re going to have to “hunker down” and survive in their homes for who knows how long. When two inches of snow is forecast they all race to the store to stock up on “provisions.”  Families start drawing straws to see which family member they’ll eat first when they run out of food.

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I don’t know if there’s any phenomena quite like this anywhere else in the world. If any of you from other countries know of the same or a similar pattern of behavior in your country, I’d love to hear about it. The irony of me posting this today is the fact that I’m in sunny Florida vacationing right now. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil