Tag Archives: Halloween

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Ways People Ruin Halloween

Posted on October 27, 2015 | 23 comments

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. If I wasn’t a full grown adult I’d dress up and go Trick or Treating. I do have some pet peeves though about people who don’t share my love of this holiday.

pumpkin

10. “Fun Size” candy: There is nothing fun about a candy bar so small that it wouldn’t give a sugar rush to a hummingbird. For cripes sake! It’s once a year, you can splurge for the full size.

9. Turning Out Your Lights: Are you the house that turns out your lights and hides in a back room pretending you’re not home? We hate you and you deserve to have your house egged.

8. Making it about religion: Lighten up Francis! (If you know what movie that quote came from put your answer in the comments) The kids aren’t worshiping Satan, they’re worshiping a sugar buzz. Once someone in my neighborhood was handing out popcorn balls with religious notes attached to them. If I knew who it was I’d have called the police.

7. Handing out popcorn balls or apples or pencils or McDonald’s coupons. When I was a kid we were told never to take the apples because there might be a razor blade in them. Now the health food nuts are giving them out like candy.

6. Not having Halloween in your neighborhood: I hate when groups of parents decide they’ll have a neighborhood party or that the kids will trick or treat at the local shopping mall. Geez! How did these people grow up and at what age did the demon suck out their souls? Theirs are the kids who will rebel later and get arrested for egging houses or putting flaming bags of poop on someone’s front porch.

5. Not allowing re-visits: If a kid has the endurance and initiative to make a second lap around the neighborhood, more power to them! They’re getting exercise. If they have a different costume second time around I give bonus candy.

4. Adults who don’t dress up: If you don’t wear something Halloweeny to work on Friday or refuse to answer your door for the kids Saturday night then just click out of this page, close your browser and don’t ever come back.

3. Women who think men don’t respect the sexy Halloween costumes: Memo to ladies: Men hate cutesy couples costumes. Let us be Batman or an Army guy and you can be the Sexy Nurse, Sexy Zombie, Sexy Football Player, Slutty Pumpkin. (Btw, if you get the Slutty Pumpkin reference put it in the comments) Whatever. We don’t care. Just dress up and let your inner sexy self out.

2. People who don’t decorate their house: I want to start a neighborhood where over the top Halloween decorating is mandatory. If you don’t, you have to move out immediately or the rest of the neighbors will egg and toilet paper your house every day until next Halloween.

1. The fixed Oct. 31st date: When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law mandating that Halloween will occur on the last Saturday of September regardless of the date. In September so there’s better weather for the kids to go out and on the last Saturday so we can all have parties, the kids can stay up late and we can all relax, sleep in and take down our decorations the next day.

As always if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

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Throwback Thursdays! The Church of Phil (Nov. 7, 2005)

Posted on November 7, 2013 | Leave a comment

I chose this post because I originally posted it on this exact day 8 years ago.

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Let’s step into the Way Back Machine and return to last Monday. It was Halloween. I took my adorable little boys Trick or Treating. That adorable little tradition where we encourage them to put on masks and accost complete strangers in their homes for candy. We also throw in a threat (trick) if they don’t cough up the goods. It sounds like the little tikes are being trained to rob banks. Most of the kids seem to be dressed in a costume that embodies violence anyway, adding a little more credibility to their threat.

Halloween is one of my favorite holidays, but in my mind it was tainted this year by what I found in one of my children’s Trick or Treat bags. As a responsible parent I of course check through my children’s bags of goods when we return from our annual neighborhood extortion spree just to make sure some psychopath isn’t giving out popcorn balls full of rat poison. I often even go so far as to eat all Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups just to protect my children from the potential for future clogged arteries.

This year I found something worse than rat poison. Someone wasn’t trying poison my son’s body, they were trying to poison his mind. No, it wasn’t as bad as Republican re-election propaganda, but it was close. On a small bag of chips someone had placed a sticker with a bible verse on it about turning away from the power of Satan to God. At that moment, after reading the deeply moving scripture, I had an epiphany. An awakening of sorts. I realized that one of my neighbors was an a-hole.

What kind of a nut job uses an innocent children’s holiday to try to recruit followers? If I want to take my children out to worship Satan in my own neighborhood don’t try to ruin it with your wholesome goodness! I didn’t know which neighbor it was who had committed such an atrocity on one of the best days of the year, but if I had known I might have said, “Hey moron! You may be holier than thou, but you’re definitely not smarter than thou. The kids going door to door asking for free candy are not worshiping Satan. They’re worshiping the great sugar buzz they’ll be annoying their parents with for the next week. If you want to prevent Satan worship why don’t you go out into the woods and find a group of black clad people chanting and preparing a human sacrifice. Give them your f-ing chips!”

If chips with some nice sour cream and onion dip isn’t proof of a loving and benevolent God, then I don’t know what is. You might want to throw in a six pack of beer with that. A cold beer beats a cup of warm blood any day. Does anyone remember Jim Jones and his cult in Guyana 20 years ago? They drank Kool-Aid didn’t they? I wonder if that was just to wash down their chips. That’s all we have to do to battle the forces of darkness. Just have better snacks. I think I may start my own church based on that premise.

As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor please hit one of the social network share buttons below. Have a great Thursday! Come back Saturday for an all new Phil Factor. If you have any idea what I should write about please send me an e-mail.

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