Gosh the Olympic athletes are just wonderfully wholesome aren’t they? Playing a sport they love just for the sake of enjoying competition. They all deserve to be on that Wheaties box that your kids see on the kitchen table.
As in past games, Olympic officials will distribute more than 100,000 condoms to the 10,500 athletes housed in the Olympic village. That’s roughly 10 condoms per athlete. If you consider that some athletes won’t need them because they’re faithfully married, have a same-sex relationship, or just monogamous with someone, that means that someone is getting a whole lot of nooky. I wonder if the Olympic athletes have some unofficial records for some of the sports they participate in when the lights go out? And don’t you imagine that if they’re getting jiggy with it, they do it with nothing but their medals on? I know that’s what I would do.
Picture credit Slate.com
When you’re watching the Tokyo Olympics and that wholesome guy or gal is stepping down from the medal podium, aren’t you going to be wondering who they’ll be medaling with later? And if they do, are there judges holding up scorecards?
Will I watch the Olympic opening ceremonies? No. I saw the Super Bowl half-time show last weekend. That’s enough pomp and circumstance for me for the month. Is it just me or are the Olympic opening ceremonies just a cross between an elaborate drama club production and a marching band half-time show?
Not only am I not interested in the opening ceremonies, but the Winter Olympics in general are the equivalent of televised Liquid NyQuil. You can’t possibly get me to believe that virtually every Olympian has overcome decades of great personal tragedy to reach their lofty goal. I think the networks spend more time telling you about the athletes than they do letting you watch them.
Olympic Announcer 1: “Welcome to Seoul, South Korea! Here we are at the first round of the 10,000 Meter Cross Country Skiing Championship. The favorite in the event is the Swede, Signard Snuffleupagusmussen.”
Olympic Announcer 2: “Very few people know this, but Signard had to overcome decades of great personal tragedy to reach his lofty goal.”
Olympic Announcer 1: “You don’t say? How unusual!”
Olympic Announcer 2: That’s right Announcer 1. As a child, Signard was afflicted with near paralyzing ingrown toenails. His doctors told Signard’s parents that it was possible that little Signard would have to wear open-toed shoes forever. His hopes of being an Olympic cross-country skier looked hopeless. “
Olympic Announcer 1: “Also, in a frigid, Nordic country such as Sweden, there is no season good for open-toed shoes. Fortunately for the viewers we have a 30-minute video clip of Signard training with his specially made open-toed ski boots. What courage it must have taken!”
Olympic Announcer 2: As if that weren’t enough of a challenge, Signard was born left-handed and still struggles to button his shirts properly to this day!
Ok, I may watch a bit of the opening ceremonies. All I’ve got to say is that the Winter Olympics need to be cancelled because apparently there isn’t a country in the world that can find a good looking winter hat for their teams to wear. Also, I’m moving to the Phillipines. First off, the country is named after me, and secondly, they only have one Olympian. I’m pretty sure I could make the team there. Just by virtue of growing up in upstate New York I have better Nordic skills than everyone in the Phillipines.
What’s the deal with the Biathalon? You ski for a bit and then you pull out a rifle and shoot at things. That sounds like terrorist training for Nordic countries. Although, have you ever noticed that terrorist acts never take place in cold weather countries? If the Olympic committee wants to stop worrying about terrorist attacks at the Olympics they should just award the Games to Greenland every four years.
In my esteemed opinion almost all Winter Olympic events are just stuff kids do when they’re playing outside on Christmas break. Luge? Skeleton? Bobsled? Sledding, sledding, and more sledding! We could all do that! Figure skating? That’s just toddler pageants on ice! Snowboarding? I bet you could go to any ski mountain anywhere in the world and find a dozen teenagers high on pot doing better tricks than Shaun White.
As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor in the spirit of the Olypmics please share it by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or other share buttons below. Have a great weekend! ~Phil
Picture credits: funy-potato.com and adventure.howstuffworks.com
Self-proclaimed grand poobah of leisure and author of humorous suspense novels The Sneaker Tree & White Picket Prisons, the humor essay book Fifty Shades of Phil and the long running blog The Phil Factor.