Tag Archives: Oscar nominees

The 2020 Snap Judgement Oscar Awards Part 2

If you missed Part 1 of the Snap Judgement Oscar Awards yesterday just scroll down and read that first or click the link.

“Moving on to the big categories, it’s ladies first. Who wants to hear who the Best Actress is?”  There’s a round of polite applause throughout the room. “Really, that’s it? C’mon guys! Let’s hear it for the ladies!” This elicits hoots, hollers and applause. Joaquin Phoenix starts to hug Renee Zellweger a little too enthusiastically and spills his drink down her back. In the blink of an eye Gooby is on him and as I hit the garage door remote, Joaquin is dragged out screaming, “You can’t do this to me! I’m the Joker!”

“The jokes on you Joaquin,” I reply. The garage door lowers with Joaquin on the other side pounding his tiny little fists and sobbing. Of course, having done this for the previous six years, I’m unflappable. “The nominees are Cynthia Erivo, Scarlett Johansson, Saoirse Ronan, Charlize Theron, and Renee Zellweger. Some big names there along with some lesser known ladies. The winner of the 2020 Phillie Award for Best Actress is Cynthia Erivo because she’s won a Grammy and an Emmy, and having a Phillie would round out her set!”

Pic courtesy of Hollywood Reporter

“Next up is Best Actor! Since I wasn’t nominated again, yes, writing a blog is so acting. Shut up DiCaprio! How many views did your blog get this week? Yeah, I didn’t think so. I’m acting like a writer. That’s acting! Anywho, back to the awards.”

“I guess I’ll have to acknowledge that “Leo” (I did the finger quotes when I said it) earned a nod from the Academy. As did Adam Driver, Joaquin Phoenix, Antonio Banderas, and Jonathan Pryce. Obviously Joaquin has no chance because we had to drag his sorry ass out of here earlier. Adam Driver is eliminated because, well Adam, I hate to break it to you this way, but you look better in a big plastic space helmet than you did playing an actual person in that divorce movie.  So that narrows it down to Antonio Banderas and Jonathan Pryce. Jonathan, I don’t know who you are and… well, you’re asleep in your seat right now, the winner of the Phillie for the best actor is Antonio Banderas for his unappreciated work as the dad in the Spy Kids movies!” Antonio stands up, downs a shot of whiskey, throws the shot glass at the wall and strides cockily up to the podium. to collect his trophy.

Pic courtesy of Hollywood Reporter

Here’s the big one folks. Buckle up because it’s going to be a bumpy ride. The nominees for the Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Picture are …(I look down at the list)”Oh for cryin’ out loud! There’s nine friggin’ pictures nominated. Seriously! There were not nine movies last year that I’d spend my money on. And DiCaprio, you were in like six of them and Phoenix was in the rest! Drumroll please!…This time DiCaprio starts the drumroll on the back of the seat in front of him occupied by Charlize Theron. Then she picks it up followed by Laura Dern and one by one, everyone in the room begins the drum roll until the chanting begins, “Phillie! Phillie! Phillie!” It’s this way every year and I smile and wait a few moments until the half assed drumroll and chants start to subside.

They’re all drunk by now and if this announcement doesn’t go the right way, this room could explode. I fumble nervously  with the envelope. In the back I notice that appropriately enough, Margot Robbie is making out with Joaquin Phoenix who snuck back in past Gooby when he dozed off. Harley Quinn has again found her Joker. “Ahem…” I clear my throat to get their attention. “The Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Picture goes to Avengers: Endgame!” They all look at each other silently and then look back up front to me. There’s a slow build of murmuring rumbling through the room. “But since no one from that movie is here, let’s start the after party!” They all leap from their seats happily shouting and clinking classes, drowning out the protests of Scarlett Johansson who is fighting her way through the crowd towards the front.

I grab the mic for the last time, I tap it a couple times and they quiet down. “And remember, what happens in the garage,” and they all join in shouting, “stays in the garage!

Thank you for attending my soiree and I’ll see you next year. Have a great Sunday! ~Phil

The 7th Annual Snap Judgement Oscar Awards! (Part 1)

If you’re new here you may be wondering what the Snap Judgement Oscar Awards are. The Phil Factor Snap Judgement Oscar Awards, also known as The Phillies, is one of the most prestigious versions of the Oscar Awards because first of all, they’re given by me, and secondly, I host them in my garage. I haven’t seen most of the movies and I base my opinions on completely ridiculous reasons, the way you do when you pick movies to watch. So without further self-indulgent blathering, we’ll let the winners do that, let’s get on with the show!

The nominees have already finished their red carpet interviews in the driveway. Adam Driver and Antonio Banderas have already been caught by security, my friend Gooby, behind the garage shotgunning Pabst Blue Ribbons. Margot Robbie dropped her White Claw Hard Seltzer and made a run for it, only to sneak in through the back door and tried to hide in the back row with a baseball hat on. She’s fooling no one.

In my tuxedo t-shirt and ripped jeans I head for the house one last time before the ceremony. Tom Hanks is in the kitchen snorting coke off Kathy Bate’s’s bare stomach as she lays prone across my dining room table. My entrance startles them and Tom reaches for his gun, but relaxes when he sees it’s me.  “C’mon you two! The show’s about to start. Get in there!” I say as I grab a tray of Totino’s Pizza Rolls out of the oven and adjust the lights. (Phew! I’m glad I got the commercial sponsors out of the way early)

Pic courtesy of Hollywood Reporter

At the podium I can feel the electric excitement bubbling over in the room. It’s palpable. “Settle down you animals, it’s time to start the show! Who wants a Phillie?”

Applause, whistles and hoots wash over me like a tidal wave. It’s obvious that the assemblage of stars much prefer my laid-back awards show to the stuffy, uptight four hour fiasco that is The Oscars. As I’m about to start the awards I hear the pop of a champagne bottle and Joe Pesci stands up spraying the crowd with bubbly as he shouts, “F*ck the Oscars!” Laughter rolls through the garage and they hold up their glasses hoping to catch a few drops of Joe’s golden shower.

“Alright, let’s get this party started!” I shout into the mic. Here are our nominees for Best Supporting Actress: Laura Dern, Scarlett Johansson, Florence Pugh, Margot Robbie, and Kathy Bates! Scarlett, despite being a 2016 Snap Judgement Oscar winner you’re out, as is Laura Dern and Kathy Bates. Why? Your names are easy to spell and pronounce. Florence Pugh and Margot Robbie, however, have overcome the life long adversity of having to constantly correct people about the spelling or pronunciation of their names. And the winner is…(I improvise my own drumroll on the podium with my hands)… MarGot Robbie! And by the way, it’s Philip with one L, not two. Get it right next time Scarlett!”

Pic courtesy of Hollywood Reporter

“Moving on, let’s get to  Best Supporting Actor. This year the category has a star studded lineup of outstanding actors. Tom Hanks, Al Pacino, Brad Pitt, Joe Pesci, and Anthony Hopkins. Brad, I’m sorry, but you’re ruled out because you can’t make up your mind on Jen. What the f*ck is wrong with you? She’s America’s sweetheart for cripes sake!” Brad laughs and gives me the finger. “Tom Hanks, you’re out because I’m still waiting for the Bosom Buddies movie. Al Pacino? Puh-leeze! you lost me when you pulled the “Hoo hah!” nonsense in that movie twenty years ago. That brings us to Anthony Hopkins and Joe Pesci. The winner is…Anthony Hopkins because his real given name is Philip (with one L) Anthony Hopkins! Got to give props to Philip Hopkins. Yes, it’s true. Go look it up.”

This is always one of my longer posts, but I don’t want this to be as long as the actual Oscars ceremony. Come back tomorrow morning for Part 2 which will include Best Actor, Best Actress as well as Best Picture. Have a great Saturday! ~Philip

#Phil2020

The 6th Annual Snap Judgement Oscar Awards!

If you’re new here you may be wondering what the Snap Judgement Oscar Awards are. The Phil Factor Snap Judgement Oscar Awards, also known as The Phillies, is one of the most prestigious versions of the Oscar Awards because first of all, they are given by me, and secondly, I base my decisions on the same idiotic, half-informed logic that you use when you pick a movie to watch. I haven’t seen most of the movies and I’m basing my opinions on completely ridiculous reasons. So without further self-indulgent blathering, we’ll let the winners do that, let’s get on with the show!

Image courtesy of Hollywood Reporter

The nominees for Best Actress in a Supporting Role are: Amy Adams (Vice), Marina de Tavira (Roma), Regina King (If Beale Street Could Talk), Emma Stone ( The Favourite), and Rachel Weisz (The Favourite). As much as I love Emma Stone for her work in three Spiderman movies, both she and nominee Rachel Weisz, are ruled out because their movie apparently occurs in 1800’s era England, so basically it’s a Downton Abbey rip-off. Marina de Tavira gets credit because her name is Marina and getting through life named after a place people park their boats has got to be a tough gig. I did see Amy Adams in a movie in 2018. It was Arrival and to be honest, if aliens are coming to Earth why would they talk to Amy Adams instead of me? So, the 2019 winner of the Phillie for Best Supporting Actress goes to Regina King of If Beale Street Could Talk because I’ve never been to New Orleans and I’d like to go.

Photo courtesy of The Hollywood Reporter

The nominees for Best Actor in a Supporting Role are: Mahershala Ali for Green Book, Adam Driver for BlacKkKlansman, Sam Elliott for A Star Is Born, Richard E. Grant for Can You Ever Forgive Me, and Sam Rockwell for Vice. Mahershala, I’m sorry, but you’re out because I’ve never heard of your movie. Adam Driver, because your name broken down is “A dam driver”, and you didn’t choose to make that the official pronunciation, I have no respect for you. Sam Elliott? Puh-leeze! We’re over your mustache. Without it you’d never have gotten a role. It’s 2019, don’t you know beards are in? The winner of the 2019 Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Supporting Actor is Sam Rockwell for his portrayal of George W. Bush in Vice. He makes Republican President George Bush seem absolutely adorable in comparison to you know who.

Picture courtesy of The Hollywood Reporter

The nominees for for Best Actress are: Yalitza Aparicio for Roma, Glenn Close for The Wife, Olivia Colman for The Favourite, Lady Gaga for A Star is Born, and Melissa McCarthy for Can You Ever Forgive Me? Yalizta is immediately ruled out because they spelled the name of her movie wrong. It’s Rome with an E. Lady Gaga is out because her name sounds like something a one-year-old would say when learning to speak. Melissa McCarthy for Can You Ever Forgive Me? No Melissa we can’t. Your best work was in Gilmore Girls. The winner of the 2019 Phillie for Best Actress is Glenn Close because of the irony of her film title. In her most memorable role, Fatal Attraction,  she played a mistress and now she gets the nod as The Wife.

Picture courtesy of The Hollywood Reporter

The 2019 nominees for Best Actor are: Christian Bale for Vice, Bradley Cooper for A Star is Born, Willem DaFoe for At Eternity’s Gate, Malek for Bohemian Rhapsody, and Viggo Mortensen for Green Book. Bale is out because he was the most forgettable Batman ever. Willem DaFoe will never get the nod until he fixes his ridiculously bad first name. Rami Malek can’t win best actor because the best movie version of Bohemian Rhapsody was sung by Mike Myers in Wayne’s World. Viggo Mortenson can’t win because Viggo sounds like one of the Teletubbies. So, by process of elimination, the 2019 Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Actor goes to Bradley Cooper for his work in The Hangover.

Picture courtesy of Decider.com

The nominees for the 2019 Phillie for Best Picture are: Black Panther, Bohemian Rhapsody, The Favourite, BlacKkKlansmen, Green Book, Roma, A Star Is Born, Green Book, and Vice. The Favourite?!!? It has the Canadian/English spelling of Favorite, so it’s definitely out. Vice? Can’t win because when was the last time any Vice-President was on screen for two hours? BlacKkKlansman? Nope. I won’t even put up with jokes about racism on my blog. Green Book? Yawn. Roma? Had they actually served Italian food at the movie showing this would have been a shoe-in. That brings us down to Black Panther, A Star Is Born, and Bohemian Rhapsody. Look, if I wanted to see a musical, I’d go to Broadway, so the winner of the Phillie for 2019’s Best Picture is Black Panther because I love a good superhero movie and this was also awesome in 3-D. All the other movies only had two D’s. Also, it had Martin Freeman who played Jim on the original The Office made in England.

Feel free to share to social media so you and your friends can prep for your Oscars parties. Have a great Sunday and enjoy the lame Oscars show! ~Phil