Aren’t we all sick and tired of these idiotic made up “sports” that are in the Olympics? Synchronized diving? Ice dancing? The Biathalon? Synchronized swimming? If those stupid things can be sports, so can these:
10: Eating competitions-These people are the real heroes.
9. Bowling: It will be mandatory that competitors have to drink beer and eat chicken wings throughout the competition.
8. Bowling-Eating Biathalon: Bowl a frame, then see how many wings and pints you can take in in between your turns. Well, I guess that’s just regular bowling.
7. Lawn mowing: What guy doesn’t pride himself on his ability to cut his lawn faster and better than his neighbors? All of us weekend warriors get a chance for glory. No riding mowers because we’re real athletes.
6. Wedding dancing: If ice dancing can be in the Olympics, why can’t wedding dancing? The line dance, macarena, and the chicken dance would be mandatory.
5. True amateurs: This isn’t an event, it’s an idea I just had while writing this. All Olympic competitors should be true amateurs in the sense that one day about three months before the Olympics, just like jury duty, you’d get an official letter saying that you have to participate in the Olympics and you’re event is…
4. Getting ready for work: This should be an event. We’ve all had that day where we’ve overslept and had to get ready in record time. It’s would be like an obstacle course with the bed at the starting line and a time clock to punch at the end. In between, competitors would have to brush teeth, shower, shave, iron clothes, get dressed, make a quick breakfast, feed the dog and then race 50 meters to clock in. I’m about to do this event as soon as I hit publish.
3. Outrunning a skunk: One day last year I was surprised by a skunk in my back yard. He seemed hell bent on catching me, but damn it if I didn’t display gold medal escape velocity. How fun would this be to watch? Contestants would have to navigate a maze all the while being pursued by an angry skunk.
2. Clean the house, company is coming over: We’ve all done this one right? This would be a male-female team event with two identical house sets they have to clean in record time. It ends when the doorbell is rung. Then judges come in to give a score.
1. Rap Battle: It would have to be appropriate for all audiences. No swearing or adult themes. A one on one final with a mic drop and walk straight to the podium. Of course, most rappers already have way more gold around their necks than the gold medal would provide.