Tag Archives: Olympic humor

Coitus, Altius, Fortius!

In spite of my title, the actual Olympic motto is Citius, Altius, Fortius! That’s Latin for: Swifter, Higher, Stronger. Apparently that motto describes the athletes not only in the arena of competition, but between the sheets as well.

As in past games, Olympic officials have distributed more than 100,000 condoms to the 10,500 athletes housed in the Olympic village. That’s roughly 10 condoms per athlete. If you consider that some athletes won’t need them because they’re married, have an alternative lifestyle, or just monogamous, that means that someone is getting a whole lot of nooky. I wonder if the Olympic athletes have some unofficial records for some of the sports they participate in when the lights go out? And don’t you imagine that if they’re getting jiggy with it, they do it with nothing but their medals on? I know that’s what I would do.

(Photo by Matthew Stockman/Getty Images)

Think about this when you’re watching the Olympics this week. When you see that athlete walk off the mountain or ice, aren’t you going to wonder which other athlete they’re medaling with later?

Have a great Monday! ~Phil

Michael Phelps Get a Job!

Like everyone else, I’ve been watching the Olympics. The other day the announcer mentioned that swimmer Michael Phelps is 31 years old. My first thought was that 31 is super old for an Olympian and it’s time for Phelps to stop playing in the pool, grow up, and get a job like the rest of us adults.

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Think about it; he’s splashing around in a pool with kids ten to fifteen years younger than him. Usually that’s creepy. What if he keeps doing that when he gets home from the Olympics?

It’s not just Michael Phelps though, what the hell do all Olympians do for a career after their Olympics are over? They’ve spent their entire life developing a very specific skill set that is useless in the real world. Sure, Michael Phelps could apply to be Aquaman, but I’m pretty sure that he can’t summon ocean creatures with telepathy, so that’s out. I guess he could be a life guard or give swim lessons at the community pool, but for an Olympian who has traveled the world, that seems too mundane. With his affinity for marijuana though, I can see him working at a pot store in Colorado. “Dude, you gotta try this! This ‘Mexican Gold ‘ is way better than Olympic gold!”

Hmm..I've spent my life doing gymnastics. Now what?

Hmm..I’ve spent my life doing gymnastics. Now what?

Yes, what do you do for a job if you’re a 4’11” (1.6 metres) full grown adult and your primary skill set is jumping around and swinging on things? Disney Princess at a theme park? They could stunt double for children in movies, but how many of those jobs are there? I’ve got it! They’d be perfect for standing next to the “You have to be this tall to ride this ride” sign.

Ok, so we’ve got Michael Phelps  and the gymnasts a job, but what about other Olympians? What about the track and field athletes? What do they do? I ran track for years, but not once in adulthood has running fast been a useful skill in any job. Seriously, Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt is getting up there in years. What is he going to do next?

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Employer at job interview: “What did you say your name is, Insane?

Usain: No, it’s Usain.

Employer: Well Mr. Bolt, I think I may have heard of you. Your Olympic resume is impressive, but what experience do you have in computer programming?”

Usain: Well mon, Me run from here to de other side of de office and back lickety split.  Want to see?

Employer: Lickety split? What the…? No, sit down. That’s not helpful.  You’re going to need to wear real pants. It’s in the dress code. No short shorts. I also need you to program computers lickety split. Can you do that?

Usain: Give mi sponge fi go dry up sea!

Employer: Jeez! With your heavy accent I have no idea what you’re saying! You’ll be perfect for the customer service line! You’re hired!

Happy Saturday everyone! As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor feel free to share it on social media using the buttons below. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Things That Should Be Olympic Events

Aren’t we all sick and tired of these idiotic made up “sports” that are in the Olympics? Synchronized diving? Ice dancing? The Biathalon? Synchronized swimming? If those stupid things can be sports, so can these:

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10: Eating competitions-These people are the real heroes.

9. Bowling: It will be mandatory that competitors have to drink beer and eat chicken wings throughout the competition.

8. Bowling-Eating Biathalon: Bowl a frame, then see how many wings and pints you can take in in between your turns. Well, I guess that’s just regular bowling.

7. Lawn mowing: What guy doesn’t pride himself on his ability to cut his lawn faster and better than his neighbors? All of us weekend warriors get a chance for glory. No riding mowers because we’re real athletes.

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6. Wedding dancing: If ice dancing can be in the Olympics, why can’t wedding dancing? The line dance, macarena, and the chicken dance would be mandatory.

5. True amateurs: This isn’t an event, it’s an idea I just had while writing this. All Olympic competitors should be true amateurs in the sense that one day about three months before the Olympics, just like jury duty, you’d get an official letter saying that you have to participate in the Olympics and you’re event is…

4.  Getting ready for work: This should be an event. We’ve all had that day where we’ve overslept and had to get ready in record time. It’s would be like an obstacle course with the bed at the starting line and a time clock to punch at the end. In between, competitors would have to brush teeth, shower, shave, iron clothes, get dressed, make a quick breakfast, feed the dog and then race 50 meters to clock in. I’m about to do this event as soon as I hit publish.

3. Outrunning a skunk: One day last year I was surprised by a skunk in my back yard. He seemed hell bent on catching me, but damn it if I didn’t display gold medal escape velocity. How fun would this be to watch? Contestants would have to navigate a maze all the while being pursued by an angry skunk.

2. Clean the house, company is coming over: We’ve all done this one right? This would be a male-female team event with two identical house sets they have to clean in record time. It ends when the doorbell is rung. Then judges come in to give a score.

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1. Rap Battle: It would have to be appropriate for all audiences. No swearing or adult themes. A one on one final with a mic drop and walk straight to the podium. Of course, most rappers already have way more gold around their necks than the gold medal would provide.