Category Archives: Apocalypse

My Psychic Predictions for 2021

That’s me in the crystal ball. I’m not the lady

Five years ago when I started my psychic predictions posts, it was just for fun. Then a funny thing happened, I got some right. Startlingly, unerringly, spot on right. So I did it again the following year, and a year later I got some more exactly right. Let’s not get crazy. I’m not getting everything I predict exactly right. But I’m getting enough right that it’s possible I’ve got a little bit of psychic stuff in my big ‘ol noggin. So, back by popular demand, here are my predictions for the year of 2021!

Somebody else made this meme, but for 2020, it’s pretty spot on

Prediction #1: My first prediction is going to be an easy one that anyone could make, but I’ll back it up later with specifics. My prediction is that 2021 will be a better year not just in the United States, but for the whole world.

Prediction #2: First off, I’d like to put everyone at ease. A lot of psychics like to predict the end of the world all the time. Not me, I’m a glass half-full kind of soothsayer. Feel free to plan ahead. The world is not going to end in 2021. It already did in 2020. What are the chances it happens two years in a row? One in ten tops. I guarantee it.

I made my first world saving prediction in 2009 when everyone said the world was going to end in 2012 because that’s when the Mayan calendars ended. I was right then and I’ll be right now. Get your vaccinations and plan those vacations because you’ll be reading my 2022 predictions this time next year. Unless you don’t wear a mask in Florida Then all bets are off.

Who else will get voted off the island in 2021?

Famous Deaths in 2021: This obviously is not my favorite part of the post to write, but it is also one of the most talked about sections of my predictions every year.  Sadly, when I was writing my initial draft of this post three days ago I had a feeling and penciled in Gilligan’s Island cast member Dawn Wells . Sadly, the 82 year old who played the wholesome but sexy MaryAnn on the beloved late 60’s sitcom was unable to fight off Covid long enough so that I wouldn’t have to revise this section of my post. Oddly, the only surviving Gilligan’s Island cast member is Tina Louise, who reputedly was Dawn Wells rival on and off the set. Coincidentally, she also has not offered an alibi for where she was at the time of Ms. Wells demise. Coincidence? I think not! The autopsy and subsequent investigation will tell the tale.

Let’s get right down to it. Great Britain will be rocked by not one but two royal deaths! Don’t worry, it’s not going to be the Queen Mum. Let’s not kid ourselves, Queen Elizabeth is an alien and is never going to die, but sadly her son Prince Charles will take the eternal dirt nap without having had his turn on the throne. I’m not sure how or why, but things are not going to work out for Prince Chuck in 2021. Also the Queen’s husband, Prince Philip, will join Charles in crossing the rainbow bridge. Oddly, like Tina Louise, I will not have an alibi. Prince Philip has soiled the good name of the one L Philips one too many times.

Predictions #3: Former President Donald Trump will be besieged with lawsuits within seconds of Joe Biden’s inauguration. As he has become accustomed to lately, he will lose all the lawsuits, and will be sent to prison. On the order of the Supreme Court (go ahead, click that. They have a website) Donald Trump will be sentenced to serve his life long term in the same cell as Joe Exotic, the Tiger King from our first and best pandemic binge watch. (If you haven’t watched it, you should. It’s that train wreck you can’t look away from)

In a surprising turn of events, Joe Exotic’s legal team pleads with the court to release their client on the grounds that his incarceration was certainly deserved, but to be held in captivity with Donald Trump for eternity constitutes “cruel and unusual punishment” and violates several statutes of the 1954 Geneva Accords. After several days of debate the United States Supreme Court comes to the decision that not only will Joe Exotic and Donald Trump serve out the rest of their lives in the same 6 foot by 9 foot cell, but it will be filmed and turned into what will become the most popular reality show of all time. If only Carol Baskin could feed these two to her lions…that would be a fitting season finale.

That’s it folks. I opened my third eye and peered into the universe and I got Trump and Joe Exotic. If that doesn’t make you happy for 2021, then I don’t know what will. Have a Happy New Year, not just tonight but for the next 365 days.  Thanks for reading! ~Phil

People Are Stupid So Why Should It Be…

People are people so why should it be that you and I should get along so awfully?  Well Depeche Mode, I’ll tell you why it should be. It’s because most of those people are either stupid or egregiously ego-centric, or probably both. Over the past two weeks I’ve traveled for work and then went on a vacation. The one constant between these two trip has been people. Mostly stupid people.

Walk This Way

A lot of people seem to have trouble walking. Not physical trouble, mind you. They’re up and walking about, but they walk like arrogant, self-centered jerks. You know that saying, Dance like no one is watching ? A lot of people walk like no one is in their way. Whether it be on a city street or at Epcot in Disney World, Last week at Epcot I wanted to punch at least thirty people in the throat because they just walked right at me in a stupor as if there was no one else in the world. Morons! They fix their eyes on on the burrito stand in Mexico Epcot and it’s full steam ahead in a direct line for their destination. If there is a short fence in front of these people they’d probably fall right over it. In a post from the distant past I referred to these as Hamster Ball People

We needed this rain

I was in Florida and on Tuesday I went to Epcot. About 5 minutes after I got there, the skies opened up as if Noah had just finished boarding all the animals.  Then the rain didn’t stop for at least 2-3 hours. The workers at Epcot were not in the least helpful. As I sloshed  from building to building in my waterlogged shoes I must have heard at least twenty of them say “This is good. We needed this rain. It’s been so dry.” I was tempted to scream at them, “NO! No WE didn’t need THIS RAIN! It’s my vacation! I come to Florida for sunshine and warmth! Everyone does. Shut up about the rain! Your only purpose in life when you live in Florida is to serve the tourists, and we don’t want ANY. FECKING. RAIN!!! These people also deserved a good throat punch, but since I was in the costliest happiest place on Earth, I didn’t do that.

washingtonpost.com

The Doomsday Clock: So this is a fun game. Just in case you weren’t aware, since World World II, the members of The Bulletin of Atomic Scientists have a clock that only they can adjust the time on and it’s sole purpose is to estimate how close the human race is to exterminating themselves. So last week, amidst the Trump/Russia/South Korea posturing, they moved the clock thirty seconds closer to midnight. Look at that picture. These guys look like loads of fun! They must have been thrilled to be in the news. For scientists though, their production quality leaves a lot to be desired. That’s it? That’s their graphic? A piece of cardboard? In about 5 minutes, 90% of all second grade children could have whipped up a kick ass power point with animated graphics. Oh, and scientists, thanks for your information. I believe that I spoke for all humankind a few weeks ago when I posted Hey Scientists! Shut The H#LL Up!

Well, that was my week. How was yours? Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

 

Fun Ways To Prepare for the Apocalypse Part II

It’s the end of the world as we know it, and I feel fine… R.E.M. 1987  Why Michael Stipe said that I don’t know. Hopefully he reads my blog and will explain in the comments section below.  I don’t feel fine. If the world ends that would kind of suck. I’m having fun.  If the Mayans were right, enjoy my blog while you can. By the time I get around to Part III it might be too late. But, if the world’s going to end we might as well have some fun with it. Sure we can all speculate about or last words to loved ones, running up the credit cards and eating cheesecake all month, blah, blah, blah… let’s get creative! Here are some ways I’ll be preparing for the apocalypse:

1. Send an e-mail to my boss that says, “I quit!” Then five minutes later send another that says “Sorry, that was for my wife.” Then send an e-mail to wife saying, “I quit!”  then five minutes later… It’s the end of the world, why not screw with people? How long can they possibly hold a grudge?

2. Pajama jeans. Admit it, we all see those commercials and we mock, but secretly we think to ourselves, “That does look comfortable…” Until the end of the world I am going to rock the pajama jeans to work. Every day. With a shirt and tie. I wonder if they make them in stonewashed?

3.  Apply for lots of impressive jobs that begin after Dec. 21. You can lie on your resume and in interviews. It won’t matter! If the world doesn’t end, I am going to have a kick ass resume next year. 

4. Exclamation points!!! Every sentence that I type or speak until Dec. 21st will end in an exclamation point! If we have limited time left I want everything to be as exciting as possible! Or at least to seem as exciting as possible! I will speak every sentence up tempo and slightly louder than it should be spoken! If you’re having an End of The World party this should be the one rule you have!  

5.  Buy the Hostess company! I’ll put in a tremendous bid to buy the entire company out of bankruptcy! If the world ends I won’t have to pay it off and I’ll spend the next two weeks as a national hero! I’ll be known as The Man Who Saved the Twinkies!

This is my summary paragraph! You know the 6 degrees of separation theory?!!? By that theory every person on Earth is separated from anyone else by no more that 6 people connections! Let’s test that theory with hopefully a really fun result! In the first paragraph I speculated as to why Michael Stipe was fine with the end of the world! If we really are only separated by 6 people connections and if every person that reads this goes back to their Facebook page and hits the “Share” button eventually this will get shared where Michael Stipe will see it and leave the requested comment! Don’t just click the Like button below, go back to the post on your FB page and click the Share! We only have two weeks for this to get back to Michael Stipe! Go! 

 

 

Fun Ways to Prepare for the Apocalypse

It’s 2012, the year the world is supposed to end. The end of the world concerns me greatly. What if the Mayans were right? Where will I live if the world ends? Now that the shuttle program has ended how will I get to the moon? And who among my Facebook friends will get to go with me? 

Should we be worried this time? Is there a chance the Mayans were right? In the news recently a current day Mayan leader said, “Dude, seriously, I am so sick of hearing about this. If the world does end, don’t try and pin it on us. Damn, did you ever think that maybe the guy making the calendar just died, got laid off, or was fired for stealing office supplies?” I may be paraphrasing a bit, but that was the gist of it. He also pointed out that in some other carved-in-stone tablets another Mayan referenced the year 4077. He didn’t reference a specific day, but I’ll be pretty mad if the world ends right before my birthday again. My cell phone, pda, and computer all have calendar functions and all of the calendars go past Dec. 21, 2012 so there’s all the proof you need that the world is not going to end in 11 months. In fact, I have written a post and dated it to be released to my blog for Dec. 22, 2012, the day after the world is supposed to end. Suck on that you Mayan calendar nutjobs.

Hmmm…should we all be prepared though, just in case? And how should we prepare? Build shelters in our basements and stock up on non-perishable foods? Nah, that’s no fun. I plan on getting ready for the Philpocalypse all year long.  Yes, I’ve re-named it and am trademarking the word “Philpocalypse” so that any reference to the end of the world will have to use the word “Philpocalypse.” I’m going to make a fortune on t-shirts and the evening news should be fun.

Other fun ways to prepare for the Philpocalypse?

1. Quit your job: No, not today. Give your employer a letter of resignation announcing that you’re resigning your position effective December 22, 2012. Just make sure you word it so that your resignation is contingent on the end of the world. Get it notarized.

2. Pajama Jeans: Not that you ever need an excuse to wear pajama jeans, but if anyone asks why, a simple “The world is going to end. Does it matter what I wear?” should suffice. Who’s going to argue with that? And besides, they make my butt look amazing.

3. Speak your mind: You only have 11 months left to say everything you’ve wanted to say to anyone who has wronged you at any point in your life. I am so digging up my class pictures from Cicero Elementary School. Yeah, you know who you are and now you know the Philpocalypse is coming for you. Nobody takes my fish sticks and gets away with it.

4. Vote for President: But not just a vote for just any Presidential candidate. If the world is really going to end and the election results won’t matter, then why not join together, all of us, hopefully more than the all of us reading this, and write in a candidate together. Someone absolutely ridiculous but who would be so entertaining that we wouldn’t mind the State of the Union address disrupting our regular t.v. watching. Charlie Sheen? A Kardashian? Russell Brand? The Situation? Carrot Top? Me? Any suggestions? 

If you enjoy my nonsense and want to embrace the Philpocalypse you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle and follow me on Twitter @ThePhilFactor.