Tag Archives: humor

For Cripes Sake Hallmark!

Posted on October 19, 2024 | 4 comments

First of all, who is Cripes and why do we want their sake?  Isn’t that Japanese wine? Hallmark (yes, I’m yelling at you) for cripes sake and all that is holy, why in the world did you debut a NEW HALLMARK CHRISTMAS MOVIE yesterday on October 18th?!!? Is nothing sacred? Can we not continue to watch slasher movies in preparation for this country’s  most beloved holiday, Halloween?!!?

Is there not some sort of governing body that should prevent this type of atrocity? In my mind, Halloween gets September after Labor Day and thru midnight October 31st. Then, beginning on November 1st, then and only then should Christmas and Hallmark Christmas movies have free reign to broadcast all the Christmas/Hannukah content they want. Hallmark has Fall/Halloween movies! Why aren’t they pushing those right now?

For my readers who thought this would be a fun blog about your corny Hallmark  movies, you can click on the video above and watch the whole fricking movie right from my blog. See Hallmark! You made this effing Fall movie, why aren’t you cramming that down people throats? It’s literally demonic what you are trying to do to Halloween. Hey readers, here’s a phrase you can use, “Hallmark is cannibalizing the corny movie market with their holiday tripe.”

Lacey Chabert practicing her smoldering look. Who does she think that will work on?

I guarantee you that Hallmark will not have a problem with me ranting like a berserker about their corny content. And what about Lacey Chabert? Why is she in every freaking movie? Does she not have enough money yet? Her annual income from Hallmark movie residuals could probably resolve the federal deficit. And she has yet to agree to an interview with The Phil Factor. That’s how snooty she is. How can you trust someone like that?

And those of you that enjoy my highly intelligent paranormal content? What happens to you during Hallmark season? You’re stuck with sicky sweet stuff like this full-length movie that you can watch right here:

Knowing Hallmark, they will probable sue me for this blog post including their content. Worse yet, they might create another Hallmark Christmas movie about a grumpy, Scrooge-like writer who pans their movies until he learns the real meaning of Christmas in October.

They’d probably have the gall to ask me to do a cameo in that movie just so I’ll promote their content to my readers again. My readers, which I’m sure outnumber the Hallmark fans by a wide margin. And, if you watch Hallmark today, there will be another all-new Hallmark Christmas movie, and more every day until Christmas. Ugh. Ratings snooze-fest.

Happy Saturday and thanks for reading! ~Phil

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Posted in Humor, pop culture

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Olympic Sports That Shouldn’t Be

Posted on August 1, 2024 | 7 comments

Although this is a spectacular picture of surfer Gabriel Medina, it shouldn’t be an Olympic sport.

As a “guy” there are few things more enjoyable than having an afternoon free to plant yourself in the recliner and click on the tv for an afternoon of sports viewing. The average guy is about as picky about what sports he will watch as he is about what women he will date. For a guy though there are few things more disappointing than clicking on the Olympics and finding something on that’s not a sport. We all know what I’m talking about. I would like to propose rules for what qualifies as a sport. Anything that does not qualify under my rules should be broadcast on a different network. Maybe the Game Show Network or The Loser channel.

Rule #1: It’s not a sport if the participant has no idea they are competing. Examples: equestrian sports: It’s not a sport if you can wear a top hat while you’re doing it.  The horses  jumping through hoops to get some sort of treat at the end are the real athletes. Who gets the prize money and trophies?

In what universe is this a sport?

Rule #2: It’s not a sport unless there’s a final score everyone agrees upon. Current “sports” that should be ruled out: Break dancing, gymnastics, synchronized swimming, diving, and any kind of figure skating. Special mention goes to rhythmic gymnastics which is just gymnastics for people who are afraid of heights.

Pic courtesy of Newsweek

Rule #3: It’s not a sport if you do it better when you’re high and wearing cargo shorts. This rules out skateboarding and surfing, and possibly break dancing. She had to be high, right?

I’m sure those of you from Australia and other countries could probably come up with several examples of things in your country that are played as sports, but really aren’t. Of course in the U.S. we generally don’t consider it a sport unless it’s played in our country and you can gamble on it.

In the comments, tell me what sports you don’t think should be in the Olympics

Enjoy your Olympics! ~Phil

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Posted in Olymipcs

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Would You Live In A Murder House?

Posted on June 29, 2024 | 5 comments

Would you live in a murder house? It’s not a question most people have to face very often in life. But… I’m not most people.

Since the genesis of The Phil Factor in 2005 I have moved 6 times and I’m considering another move. Am I running from the law, or am I a secret agent for some unknown clandestine branch of our government? That’s not pertinent, so don’t worry about that. If you want to read my August 2005 post about considering moving into a murder house, here’s the LINK. It’s only one paragraph, no pictures. That’s what passed for a blog post in 2005.

Amityville Horror House

I’m considering another move, and this is the second time that I might have the opportunity to purchase a murder house. Just the other day I was out for a morning walking when suddenly what seemed like every police car in town was tearing past me down the quiet residential street at about 70 mph/112 kph. I later learned that someone down the road may have had way too much caffeine and murdered someone else in their home.

Pic from Envato

As my wife and I are considering if we want to move again, just a year after our last move, I said to my wife, “Hey, I saw on the news that the murder house was a ranch! Just what we’re looking for, and it will probably be priced at a discount!” I was also thinking “Hmm, if it’s haunted, I can ghost hunt without having to leave the house!” How great would that be?

So, in the comments, tell me, would you live in a murder house, or why wouldn’t you?

Thanks for reading and have a great Sunday! ~Phil

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Posted in Humor

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Buy Your Place in Heaven!

Posted on June 26, 2024 | 6 comments

No, I’m not selling plots of land in heaven, but someone is. For $100 American, a Mexican church will  sell you a one meter square spot in heaven. Just one meter? Ugh. That’s not even one bedroom and a bath…unless you combine them and sleep standing up. I wonder if I were to throw $1000 at this Mexican church, could get a 10 meter by 10 meter spot?

Buying your spot in heaven. Isn’t that every Republican’s dream? And how ironic is it that they’d have to buy them from a Mexican church? Anyway, the Mexican Church wouldn’t sell to Republicans. In fact they’d probably put up a wall to keep them out! How many of you suddenly want to say mean things in the comments? C’mon, that joke was low hanging fruit. How could I not say that?

And by the way, the Pastor of the Entoms Church in Mexico says he received permission for the sale from God himself. When asked about this, in an exclusive Phil Factor interview, God said, “Phil, stop bothering me! I already told you I won’t endorse your blog!”

And if you were wondering, you can pay for your property in Heaven using Visa, Master, Maestro, RuPay, and even digital wallets such as Google Pay and Apple Pay.

I’d have given you the website, but none of the news outlets included it in their reporting, no doubt to protect people from themselves, just like I did by publishing this public safety announcement. When you buy your plot in Heaven make sure you get a receipt! It’s tax deductible! Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

P.S. If you’re going to throw away your money on something ridiculous, do it on my books!

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Florida Man, Calm Down About The Humidity!

Posted on June 23, 2024 | Leave a comment

About ten years ago “Florida Man” was an internet joke. You could put the phrase “Florida man” into Google and a list of absolutely ridiculous crimes or catastrophes would come up.

You get the idea. Florida Man is not likely to get invited to a Mensa meeting. But I think I met a Florida man earlier this week on a phone call for work. I live in the northeast of the States and this past week we’ve had unseasonably hot weather, similar to Florida weather. So when I got on the phone with a guy in Florida, we started with small talk and I said, “We’ve got Florida weather up here this week. Temps over 90 and a heat index over 100.”

Florida Man wasn’t having it. He immediately replied, “You don’t have real Florida weather. You don’t have humidity like we do.”

Really Florida Man, that’s your flex? You have warm, moist air? Oh no! You must be so tough to deal with that warm, moist air. I bow down to you. I thought that Marines fighting in the Middle East have it tough, but lucky them, their enemy isn’t warm, moist air. What a nightmare! What a badass you must be to defeat that warm, moist air every day! That’s got to be exhausting.

If I live in Florida and I want to be a badass in a weather conversation, I’d drop a couple hurricane mentions. It’s hard to beat that, but when you talk to anyone from Florida about anything, they find a way to mention the humidity. If you’re a Floridian wanting to feel tough, skip the warm, moist air and mention that occasionally prehistoric man-eating alligators are on your porch in the morning.

I don’t make fun of Floridians without reference. I go to Florida about four times a year. I know what Florida humidity feels like. It is not a big deal.

This isn’t just for that one Florida Man that I spoke to. This is for all Floridians whose biggest challenge in life is warm, moist air: We don’t care about your humidity! We don’t have to “brace” ourselves when we visit your state. Hey, if you Floridians are so tough about weather, then why did so many of you flee the northern part of the country to live there? Obviously you think the horrific, arctic winters in the northeast are worse than a little moist air.

For those of you that read this, make this viral and share it with your favorite Florida Man or Florida Woman that you know. I know that they’ve probably mentioned the humidity to you at least a thousand times already.

For those of you on the other side of the pond, is there any similar thing? Are there people saying, “You don’t know anything about wind until you’ve spent a winter in Latvia!”?

Thanks for reading! Have a great weekend ~Phil

#PHIL2024

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My Paranormal Investigation of Thompson Park, Watertown, New York

Posted on May 30, 2024 | 4 comments

Alien abduction is fun! And a little sunburn…

So last June I investigated the “interdimensional vortex” in Watertown, NY’s Thompson Park.

Dear Watertown, NY: If you are going to name something after a supernatural phenomena, please get it right. You claim that there’s an “interdimensional vortex” in your park.  Vortex refers to a mass of whirling fluid or air. People disappearing from one spot and ending up in another sounds like stepping into a portal. 

Secondly, if you’re going to have a freaky park located on a road called Gotham Street, why not work in a Batman statue or two? Are you just going to ignore the marketing possibilities of marrying Batman and an interdimensional portal in your park? 

I spent 90 minutes walking around this Batman-less park hoping to accidentally step into a portal that would drop me on the other side of the universe or maybe even just the other side of the park.

At dinner prior to the park, I did have a large glass of water. When will I ever learn? A little while later I was wandering down a trail in the woods of this park and I felt the call of nature. I needed to pee and I was about a mile from the nearest restroom. So, I did what was necessary and I thought to myself, “How cool would it be if I peed into the vortex/portal and on the other side of the universe it landed on some aliens head?”  Sure it might cause an intergalactic war, but also it might be best practical joke ever, right? Then I saw these: Portal potties!

Yes, I was dying to write that joke into this post.

Also, Watertown, NY, if you’ve got one of these towers in your freaky park, why not paint the top of it like a UFO like the Flushing Towers in Men in Black I ? You’ve got a freaking Area 51 sign in the park! For cripes sake, if I can think of these things, why can’t you guys hire a marketing genius to figure this sh*t out?

People have claimed to lose time and/or be transported from one place in the park to another? I did lose 90 minutes of my life that I’ll never get back, but there was no teleportation involved. I decided that this is just the place that teenagers go to have sex and when they come home too late they tell their parents they got teleported to another universe for a couple hours.

One odd thing was that after 90 minutes of walking around and taking pictures on my phone, it was still at 98%, so maybe those elevated electro-magnetic fields kept my phone charged. No portals but a free phone charge, so I’ll call that a win.

Just because nothing weird happened to me in that park doesn’t mean that it hasn’t happened to others. That’s one part of paranormal investigations that you never see on those ghost hunting shows. In paranormal investigations, there’s a lot of quiet waiting around that you can’t edit out when you’re the one investigating.

Thanks for reading and happy Thursday! ~Phil

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Posted in Humor, paranormal, UFO's

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The Fish Doorbell

Posted on March 21, 2024 | 5 comments

This picture or post is not endorsing Ring Doorbells, although they would be helpful in this instance.

The fish doorbell is a “doorbell” set up by the municipal government of Utrecht, in the Netherlands, (not to be confused with nether regions) to help fish get through a lock in a local canal and reach their destinations.

Anne Nijs is an urban ecologist for the city of Utrecht who helped to create the fish doorbell in 2021.

She explained that “people can go to the program’s website and watch a livestream of the fish underwater — and then, if they spot a fish, they can click to “ring” the fish doorbell to nudge someone to go and open the lock by hand. Otherwise, fish swimming upstream have to wait a long time for the 200-year-old lock to be opened, which makes them vulnerable to prey, Nijs said.

Pic from BBC Newsround

So here’s your new favorite distraction. I watched it for two minutes and didn’t see a single fish. I rang the doorbell anyway. I just wanted the awesome rush of power I got from knowing I made someone in The Netherlands push a button for no reason at all.

Also, if you have trouble sleeping, put away the Ambien and weed gummies. You don’t need them anymore because you can watch the fish doorbell!  Click here: FishDoorbell. I swear it’s not a virus or anything. That’s the link to the video feed and doorbell. In the comments please tell me that you did it!

If this is what the Netherlanders are proud of technology-wise, I don’t think we have to worry about a war with them anytime soon. And if we want to invade their country, we could disguise ourselves as fish and just swim up to the lock.

After reading this, and then playing fish doorbell, you’ll have wasted at least half your morning and saved some fish that will eventually be a delicious dinner for me. Thanks for reading!

~Phil

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Posted in Humor

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My Anti-Bucket List! What’s on Yours?

Posted on March 3, 2024 | 15 comments

We’ve all heard of bucket lists, and maybe some of us have made that list, or at least started that list in our heads. This is my anti-bucket list. I’m going to list ten things that I will never do. Some will be chosen because of my experiences and others are just things that I’ve never done and never want to. In the comments at the end, put one thing that you never want to do ever or again.

Pic from AllEars.Net

10. Eat at this restaurant. This restaurant is in Disney Springs in Florida. If you’re not familiar with Disney Springs, it is the shopping/eating/nightlife area that is part of Disney World in Orlando, Florida. I love Disney World and Disney Springs, but I did not have a good experience at this one particular restaurant.  Long wait past reservation time, tables too close and finding a long hair in your food is kind of off-putting.

Pic from Isabel Eats

9. Eating onions & peppers. I have an irrational hatred of the taste of onions and peppers. This one, I know I’ll do again. I can deal with peppers and onions in salsa, but nothing else. For the rest of my life I vow to not eat onions and peppers in anything but salsa.

Pic courtesy of Economic Intelligence Unit

8. Visit Russia: I know that not all Russians are jerks, and I bet that many Russians do not support the Ukraine war. Unfortunately countries are often judged based on their leaders actions. So, you folks in the States need to think about that in about nine months.

To be clear, that is not me.

7. Wear a Speedo in public: I don’t know why so many European men wear these things, and I’m glad that beaches in the States are not full of guys in Speedos. Women reading this, how do you feel about men in Speedos?

6. Eat a pickle: Are you picking up on the pattern that I may have some food issues? I love cucumbers. The pickle however, is the most vile poison masquerading as some form of “food”.

The original “Love Boat” on it’s final cruise back in 2013

5. Take a cruise: I know that a lot of people LOVE cruises. To me, they are floating petri dishes. I know they said it was China, but I believe that COVID started on a cruise. To that point, I was ahead of the curve when I wrote the blogging classic  Zombie Love Boat in 2014 predicting that the next viral outbreak will result in zombies like The Walking Dead, which has gone on waaay too long.

4. Never leave for a paranormal investigation without… extra batteries. It’s a huge let down when you’re getting some good readings and other confirmation and then your EMF meter shuts down. Waa waa….

Pic from Bonobology.com

3. Don’t take time with people for granted: Sure, we all need some solo downtime now and then, we all have only so much time on this ball of dirt and  other people make our lives better. I saw on someone’s online anti-bucket list that he didn’t want to make new friends. He had enough people in his life.  I’ll never stop making new friends.

2. Smoking anything: I think the data on this is pretty strong.

1. Die: Part of me knows that this is supposed to happen to everyone, but I’m not everyone. Chances are that I will lose this bet, but I’m going to try like hell not to. I want every day that I can possibly get.

That’s my anti-bucket list. Start your anti-bucket list by putting one thing in the comments that you’ll never do again, or just not at all.

Thanks for reading! ~Phil

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Ginger Zee and Her Snow Deficit

Posted on February 18, 2024 | Leave a comment

Who is Ginger Zee? Some of you will know her and some of you won’t. She’s my possible future wife. She doesn’t know that of course, but if my wife divorces me, it’s me and Ginger Zee, as long as her husband does the right thing and steps aside.

Ginger Zee, Good Morning America

Ginger Zee is the “Chief Meteorologist and Climate Correspondent”  on Good Morning America. I really appreciate how she delivers the weather news every morning. Although lately she has not been in my good graces.

I live in the northeast of the United States. It’s an area of the country that typically gets a lot of snow during the winter months. And some of the Fall and Spring months too.

This year our part of the country is not getting a lot of snow. So every morning Ginger Zee tells me that I have a “snow deficit“. OK, she’s not telling me personally that I have a “snow deficit“. That would be crazy … for her to do that on national television.

I don’t know what her problem is with us not having enough snow. I don’t care if it doesn’t snow a single day all year long. I hate snow. If one flake hits the ground that’s a snow surplus in my opinion. Yet, Ginger Zee keeps telling me that I have a snow deficit EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. C’mon Ginger, you’re better than this. I did a couple years of  broadcasting courses in college and not once did any of my professors suggest that we develop a catch phrase.

Snow deficit?!!? How in the world is a lack of snow a problem? I know there’s people who love snow, but most of the time those people don’t live where there’s snow and cold temperatures for five months straight. Ginger, you’re one of those people who live in the northeast. Why are you fixated on the SNOW DEFICIT?!!? If you don’t stop with the “snow deficit” I may never let you marry me. My local news weather guy has not mentioned the snow deficit once. Then again, maybe that’s why he’s the local guy. Or maybe he hates snow like the rest of us normal people do.

A funny thing happened during the writing of this blog. I learned that Ginger Zee isn’t just a pretty face giving me the weather.

My original intent was to go off on a funny, unhinged rant about Ginger Zee constantly saying snow deficit and how much that bugged me. Prior to this morning, I knew very little about Ginger Zee other than her regular appearance on the morning news. Then as I looked up links and pictures, I learned that she is a wife and mom that has battled mental health issues and has been an outspoken advocate. I also learned that she is an author of two biographical novels and a three book fiction series about a young girl that has great reviews on Amazon.

Ginger, go ahead and keep saying “snow deficit“. It’s your phrase, enjoy it!

Thanks for reading folks! Have a great Sunday and be nice to everyone. You never know when they’re carrying a heavier burden than you can see. ~Phil

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Should I Podcast?

Posted on February 16, 2024 | 5 comments

I have the equipment, and for me having that is like an open door inviting me in. I like writing, but I also like talking. Many years ago I went to college and for the first two years I focused on broadcasting and writing, so I like to think that if I talked I might be not be terrible. There was also a time about seven years ago when my blog was very well trafficked on a daily basis.

If I did podcast, what would I talk about? Probably the exact same goofy stuff that I do here. I’ve done some great interviews over the last 19 years and I’ve always thought that those would have been more compelling if they could be heard rather than read.

You are obviously reading me right now, so if you’re a podcast person, would you subscribe and listen to me say all this stuff when you’re driving around in your car? What if I just did videos on Youtube and put them in here? Would you listen or watch that? Or do you prefer reading?

Are either of those logos appealing to you? If you saw either one, would the title and tag line make you curious? As I’ve been typing this, I’ve realized that it seems inevitable that I will try myself out as a podcast. I’ll never leave here. I will probably just expand to different outlets to find a wider audience. Not that you guys and gals aren’t great, because you are. I love my regulars that read and comment. Without you, I wouldn’t have the confidence to put myself out there on video or audio outlets.

Any thoughts, ideas or suggestions would be appreciated! Thanks for reading! ~Phil

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Posted in Humor, podcasting

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