Tag Archives: humor

The People at Your Super Bowl Party

Posted on February 10, 2024 | 5 comments

We may be going to different Super Bowl parties this weekend, but a lot of the people at our parties will be eerily similar and equally irritating. Read on and see if you can identify these folks at your party this Sunday. If you can’t, you’re probably one of them.

The Gambler: He may know when to hold’em but he doesn’t know when to fold’em or when to shut up. This guy always wants you to know the “over/under” and how much he’s got riding on the game. He spends most of the game fuming and stomping around every time an officials “b.s.” call threatens to upset the point spread. He usually has a “prop bet” on the coin toss too. Unfortunately if the game doesn’t go his way The Gambler turns into The Belligerent Drunk. That is unless the black lab covers the spread in The Puppy Bowl.

toshcc.com

This kid is going to live in infamy forever because I keep using this picture every year.

The Referee: This jerk has to explain every official ruling on the field as if he’s calculating a quadratic equation. He’ll say something like: “Well that was an illegal formation because the half-caff flanker position moved from a three point stance to a two point stance without waiting for a pause in the snap count while the rigamarole motion was ad infinitum. Now normally the refs would let that go but because of the down and distance and clock situation they were forced to call it.” Yeah thanks coach, I can’t imagine why you don’t win your fantasy football league every year.

The Commercial Lover: I hate to stereotype, but this is usually a woman. We all know her. She has no clue about what teams are in the game and often thinks that one teams “costumes are pretty.”  She usually says, “Oh I love the Super Bowl because of the commercials. I heard this year that Doritos and Coca Cola combined  for a commercial where The Pope break dances with a 3-D video of Michael Jackson. Oh wait, wait, wait, QUIET EVERYBODY, I think this is it. SHHHHH…I want to see this one. Did you see that? That was so funny! Oh my god! BEST Super Bowl commercial EVER!” Usually I’m secretly rooting for the drunk, belligerent gambler to spill his beer on her.

joyreactor.com

joyreactor.com

Team Jersey Guy: This guy arrives at the party first and only brings a bag of chips. He grabs a beer and immediately plants his un-athletic physique in the recliner across from the television an hour before kick off and won’t leave that seat until the game is over.

If you’re the homeowner you might as well just haul that chair out to the curb after the game. You won’t want to keep it.  He doesn’t even get up to get another beer. “Oh, hey, if you’re going out to the kitchen could you grab me a brewski?” Once he’s settled in he’s almost as bad as The Gambler. Team Jersey Guy is also the pleasant guy who tries to wave your children out of the way if they walk in front of the TV during the game and you swear his head will explode if one of the kids even mentions switching the channel to The Puppy Bowl.

Past Contributions From the Peanut Gallery: Because I got several great suggestions in the comments when I posted this previously, I’m going to add them here and credit their contributors.

The Phone Clutcher:  Every party has a pooper– and he or she is usually that person whose gaze is on his or her phone, more often than it is on the TV. They get noticeably antsy when told to put their phones down, and often can be found in dusty corners hugging the only thing they care about. Why they go to these parties, I have never figured out. This spot on contribution came for Ally of The Spectacled Bean. Go visit her blog. She’s always interesting.

The Grazers: The grazers are the guys who don’t talk or interact with the rest. They just keep filling their plate and wandering around the house with no reason to be there other than the food. This great one is from John Howell of Fiction Favorites. Go visit John, he’s always got some great writing going on.

The Hater: The person who comes for the “party” and doesn’t care about the game. They complain about the game the whole time. They’re always trying to get someone to play cards with them or something. This one is from Dr. Meg Sorick who still believes the Steelers got gypped. Her blog deserves a visit because she writes better than she dresses.

If you have any other suggestions for Super Bowl party people please add them in the comments. This list will evolve every year based on your suggestions. Even my friends from other countries can play! Feel free to add suggestions from your experience at football parties of your own.

This year be sure to look for The Phil Factor commercial during the halftime show. If you miss that, feel free to share this to other social media using the buttons below. Have a great weekend! ~ Phil

Copyright ThePhilFactor.com 2024 All rights reserved

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Super Bowl? Here’s The Ten Best Bowls Ever!

Posted on February 8, 2024 | 3 comments

It’s coming up on “Super Bowl weekend” here in the States and most people will watch the big  game. It occurred to me that while this Bowl is undeniably super, is it the best bowl? There are so many bowls in this world, but which is the best? Here’s my choices:

The Bowl Haircut

Picture credit TheRightHairstyles.com

Apparently now people are doing this on purpose?!!? When I was a little kid and didn’t have any choice in what my parents did to me, we dreaded the “bowl cut.” It was never a good look, even on a four year old.

The Hollywood Bowl, Los Angeles

9. The Hollywood Bowl: Since 1922 The Hollywood Bowl has been one of the largest outdoor music venues in the country. The “bowl” refers to the shape of the concave hillside the amphitheater is carved into. Bands that have played there: The Beatles and everyone else you’d care to know about. Seating capacity: Around 26,000.  When I take The Phil Factor on tour, my first live event will be at The Hollywood Bowl.

8. The KFC Famous Bowl

Otherwise known as “Heart attack in a bowl.” Truth be told, this is really what killed Matthew Perry. Turns out that it wasn’t the love triangle, murder-suicide with Rosalyn and Jimmy Carter that we all suspected. What? Too soon?

7. The Bedrock Bowl

You have to be over 50 to ride this ride. The Flintstones was The Simpsons before The Simpsons. It was the first prime time cartoon. I never saw it live of course, but I saw the re-runs plenty when I was a bowl cut wearing little kid.

6. The Margarita Bowl:

There have been many “bowl” incarnations of margaritas. This one is called the Crackin’ Kitchen Diamond Head Margarita Bowl. This one comes from the Crackin’ Kitchen in Honolulu, Hawaii.

5. The Fish Bowl

The good, regular, old-fashioned fish bowl that we all wanted in our room when we were kids. If you don’t want to watch the Super Bowl this Sunday, you can also watch “The Fish Bowl”, which will be broadcast by the National Geographic channel. According to The Washington Post “it will feature an unknown goldfish named Goldie swimming around a bowl for four hours. A promotional video for the show promises that it will “blow the competition out of the water.” 

4. The Super Bowl:

Look, I already watch a lot of football games. This is just another one and it rarely lives up to the hype.

3. Corelle Soup/Cereal Bowls:

According to Amazon, this is their best selling set of bowls. If Amazon doesn’t represent the consensus on best bowls, I don’t know what does. With 11,299 five star reviews, these must be some pretty damn good bowls!

2. The Big Lebowlski:

Ok, The Big Lebowski isn’t exactly a bowl, but why didn’t they name it The Big Lebowlski? One extra letter and it would have all made sense. If you’ve never seen it, it’s a funny movie with a lot of scenes in a bowling alley.

1. The Bacon Bowl (as seen on The Phil Factor)

Yes, this is a real thing and you can buy it on Amazon. You can make the bowl for your food OUT OF B-A-C-O-N !!! This is not fake. You can buy the bacon bowl building device right on this Amazon link. Sadly, I’m not getting any endorsement fees no matter how many of you buy the Perfect Bacon Bowl.

Those are my Top Ten Best Bowls. What are yours? Do you have any other bowls you’d like to add to the list? Please do so in the comments!

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

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Ridiculous Things That Celebrities Have Bought

Posted on February 6, 2024 | 5 comments

At one time or another we’ve all heard about how much money celebrities have been paid. We’ll hear that Brad Pitt made $50 million dollars for acting in a movie, or Taylor Swift was paid a billion dollars for a thirty second commercial and we’ll think to ourselves, “What in the world could they possibly do with all that money?!!?”  Well here is the answer to that!

Paris Hilton bought a 300 square foot, two story dog villa for her dogs to live in. Doesn’t that kind of go against the reason you have dogs? And if you’re Paris Hilton, couldn’t she have gotten them their own hotel suite?

Lady Gaga spent $50,000 on a “ghost detector” that is brought with her whenever she tours. Look, you know I’m all in on ghosts and stuff, and I’ve got some of the equipment that you see on TV, but none of it is worth $50,000. You can get a nice Spirit Box at GhostStop for just $95. Honey, haven’t you ever heard of shopping around?

As you know from Johnny’s divorce hearing, the man does like his “mega-pint” of wine. Apparently he spends $30,000 a month on wine. Let’s do the math. We can assume he has expensive taste when it comes to wine. Assuming he buys bottles of wine that cost $500, $30,000 adds up to 60 bottles of wine per month. Amber Heard might have a point about his drinking problem.

Bono bought a $1500 plane ticket just to get his hat that he left behind sent to him. I hate to break it to you Bono, but that hat is not worth $1500. Go back to the thrift shop where you found it and get one for $4.

Justin Bieber had his car turned into a Batmobile for a cool $100k. As much as I think J Beebs is a complete asshat, I think I’d do the same thing if I have an extra 100k laying around.

Several celebrities have bought tickets to outer space. No, not Disney’s Space Mountain, but to the real outer space. About 6 years ago Virgin Atlantic owner Richard Branson was selling celebs $200,000 tickets for a ride to outer space that might occur in the future. Celebs who have bought a ticket include: Tom Hanks, Angelina and Brad, Stephen Hawking, Ashton Kutcher and Justin Bieber. Hmm… I wonder if that Stephen Hawking ticket is up for grabs now?

Nick Cage, one of the greatest actors of our time, once outbid Leo DiCaprio for a tyrannosaurus skull. His skull winning bid was $270,000. Sounds to me that there were at least two empty skulls in that room.

Kim Kardashian bought Louis Vuitton trash cans? I don’t know the price, but whatever it was, it was too much. When she divorced Kanye did she think of it as “taking out the trash”?

I may not be a celebrity, but this cool sugar skull was my splurge purchase at Disney World.

With enough research, I could go on and on finding more idiotic things celebrities have bought, but I didn’t have the stomach for it. You get the gist, celebs are weird. I hope you have a great Tuesday and after reading this, you definitely shouldn’t feel bad about splurging on something you want. ~Phil

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Did Elon Musk Do Something Good…or Terrifying?

Posted on February 3, 2024 | 5 comments

Pic from Kotelink

First Elon ruined Twitter for us and now he’s mucking about in peoples brains? He’s also effing up my blog post schedule. I was going to start making fun of the Super Bowl today and he had to go start making cyborgs. And guess what? You and I might be able to become cyborgs pretty soon! How great is that?

Pic from musingsofamiddleagedgeek.blog

In 1973 astronaut Steve Austin (the original ass kicking Steve Austin before the wrestler) woke from surgery to realize that he had been made into the world’s first cyborg. He was The Six Million Dollar Man. Hell, six million dollars is just a night out for Elon Musk. I wonder if Elon got his latest touted idea from that TV series. Or did Elon get pissed because he’s now only the second richest man on Earth and said to himself, “If I make an army of cyborgs I can rule the world!”  To be fair, who hasn’t had that thought now and then, right?

Pic from IMDB

This past week Elon’s company, Nueralink, reported that they have implanted a device into a human brain that “is designed to interpret a person’s neural activity, so they can operate a computer or smartphone by simply intending to move – no wires or physical movement are required,” Neuralink said as it called for volunteers.” Yes, you read that right, click the link and sign up for Elon Musk to be in your brain.

To be fair, from the NPR article, Elon said, “Initial users will be those who have lost the use of their limbs. Imagine if Stephen Hawking could communicate faster than a speed typist or auctioneer. That is the goal.” Nice job Elon! You just said that if Stephen Hawking could type and talk faster he would have been a better physicist. (Btw, click the Stephen Hawking link to see and hear something very cool)

Look, I know all you millenials are thrilled that you might be able to create a Tik-Tok just by thinking about it. To me this looks like the possibility of some great medical advances and also the beginning of everything that’s ever happened in a dystopian novel or movie.

Pic from Hulu

Just ask Will Smith. He knew the robots were bad. If you can’t trust Will Smith, who can you trust, besides me? Me and Will Smith are the only two that are going to tell you the truth. You know damn well Elon won’t, unless it’s making him billions. And Elon, if you don’t like what I said here, you have an open invitation to sit down with me for an interview. Dinner’s on you.

So readers, what do you think? Are you ready to have brain surgery to make life more convenient?

Thanks for reading! ~Phil

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What’s Wrong With The American Presidency (and how to fix it)

Posted on January 28, 2024 | 8 comments

The American presidency, has gone awry in so many ways over the last several years. I’d also like to add that the American Senate and House of  Representatives has gone bad too. No one in good conscience and of sound mind can dispute my last two sentences.  There is not a question mark after the title because I’m not asking how to fix it. I’m going to tell you what should be done. I will warn you though, you may not like what I have to say.

Most law enforcement agencies use psychological testing to measure a variety of job-related behaviors and personality traits to help them pick the best applicants for a job as police officers. The branches of the military in the United States use aptitude, achievement, and personality (psychological) tests to screen candidates.

Our country carefully screens and selects the people who try to protect our lives. Why don’t we do that with elected officials who have the power to effect so many issues in our lives? I believe that those tests should be applied to everyone who is running for candidacy for any elected government position. We need people who are of sound mind and have our best interests in mind.

Hey, how about a background check too? How did this clown get into Congress? Hey everyone on Long Island, that one is on you.

I believe that anyone running for an elected position should have to pass a background check. I also believe that public officials family members should pass a background check. If there’s a criminal history with more than a speeding ticket then that person could be an influential liability to the elected official.

Take a look at that graph from Boston University. Look at the purple and green lines. Those represent inductive reasoning and perceptual speed. They drop precipitously after the age of 60, for everyone. Those losses in cognitive function are coming for you and me as well as all of our government representatives. I don’t know about you, but I want the people making decisions on my behalf to be smarter than me. In the United States they have a minimum age of 35 to be elected President. If there’s a minimum, there should also be a maximum.

To summarize:

-I believe ALL elected officials should have to pass cognitive and psychological testing.

-I believe ALL elected officials should have to pass a background check. If they have anything more than a speeding ticket, they’re out.

-I also believe that there should be a maximum age for ALL elected federal government officials.

I do not believe that either presidential candidate, and many congress and senate members do not meet what I think are reasonable expectations for our elected government officials.

To be fair, I do want to say that many, many people far older than me are sharper than a lot of people younger than them and could do any government job as well as anyone. But I also believe that we should be cautious and safe with whom we trust to lead our nation.

I’m Phil and I approve this message. If you are voting in the primaries this year consider writing me in, if I pass the tests. #Phil2024 

So what do you think of my ideas? Do you have any ideas to improve the sad state of our government?

Thanks for reading! Phil

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Are Ice Baths The Pet Rock of the 2020’s?

Posted on January 23, 2024 | 5 comments

Pic from BeforeYouSpeakCoffee.com

There are very few non-lethal things in life that are more uncomfortable than taking a bath in a tub full of ice water. And yet, it’s currently a fad. Yes, a fad like the pet rock my parents gave me for a Christmas present in the 70’s. (Thanks mom & dad, smh) People all over the world are taking baths in freezing lakes, oceans, tubs, and pools. But why?

This is an Amazon ad.

Each and every day, who doesn’t love a hot shower that helps your muscles relax and feel less sore? A nice hot bath or shower feels like a warm hug from the universe. And now all these psychopaths are trying to get us to smile while we plunge our room temp bodies into an H2O torture chamber.

Apparently however, unlike ivermectin, there’s some science that says this might be a good thing.

If Thor and his brother can do it, why not us? (Pic from Men’s Health)

If ice water therapy is good enough for Thor, then it’s good enough for me. According to News-Medical: Cold activates a cellular cleansing mechanism that breaks down harmful protein aggregations responsible for various diseases associated with aging. In recent years, studies on different model organisms have already shown that life expectancy increases significantly when body temperature is lowered.

“A research team at the University of Cologne’s CECAD Cluster of Excellence in Aging Research has now unlocked one responsible mechanism. Professor Dr David Vilchez and his group used a non-vertebrate organism, the nematode Caenorhabditis elegans, (basically a tiny worm) and cultivated human cells. Both carried the genes for two diseases which typically occur in old age: amyotrophic lateral sclerosis (ALS, Lou Gehrig disease) and Huntington’s disease. Both diseases are characterized by accumulations of harmful proteins. In both model organisms, cold actively removed the protein clumps, thus preventing the protein aggregation that is pathological in both ALS and Huntington’s disease.”

Lady Gaga: Pic from Harper’s Bazaar

This picture took away all my skepticism. If it’s good enough for Lady Gaga, it’s good enough for me! In fact, I’m taking an ice bath while typing this and I feel like my writing is so much better when my body temp drops to 88.6 F, or 37 celsius, for 15 minutes.

How cold should an ice bath be? 40-60 degrees Fahrenheit. That’s awfully cold. I wonder, if you’re a young gentleman hoping to father some kids, wouldn’t frequent ice baths make little icicles out of your tadpoles down there?

So, after my highly scientific and well spoken thesis here, who is with me? Would you take regular ice baths if it would help you avoid some diseases and live longer? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments!

Thanks for reading! ~Phil

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Do Short People Really Got No Reason To Live?

Posted on January 16, 2024 | 9 comments

In 1977 singer/songwriter Randy Newman kind of shocked the world with his song Short People which began with this lyric:

Short people got no reason,
Short people got no reason,
Short people got no reason,
To live

I’m not short, but I’m also not tall. I’m 5’8″. Ok, to be 100% truthful, I now measure 5’7 1/2″ or 171.5 cm. I used to be 5’8 1/2″ tall. I was 15 years old and had grown 8 inches in the previous three years. I was thinking “At this rate I’ll be 6 feet tall by the time I’m 18!” Apparently after my three year growth spurt, my body decided to put all it’s growth into my brain, I hope.

As Ryan Reynold‘s said in 1998 in the hilarious series, Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place, “Come, sit, admire my big brain!” If you watched that show, please give me a shout out in the comments. I loved that show. It was before anyone knew Ryan Reynolds.

Despite the size of my noggin, I’m still self conscious about my height. In the United States the average male is 5’10” or 178 cm. So, I’m a little on the short side. To be honest, I don’t love it.

In the country of East Timor, however, the average male height is 5’2 1/2″!!! I’d be a giant there! I’m thinking of moving there, where I could be the most successful professional wrestler in all of East Timor! If you’re wondering where East Timor is, (also called Timor-Leste) it’s an island nation about halfway between Australia’s north coast and Indonesia.

They got little hands,
And little eyes,
And they walk around,
Tellin’ great big lies,
They got little noses,
And tiny little teeth,
They wear platform shoes,
On their nasty little feet,
Well, I don’t want no short people,
Don’t want no short people,
Don’t want no short people,
‘Round here

Man, that Randy Newman was a jerk. That kind of slander against short people would not be received well in 2024, would it?

Anywho, the reason that I got on this short people rant is because of clothing. In most shirts, I’m a medium. But if I buy a standard medium sized shirt, often it’s too long to wear casually untucked because they make them for 5’10” people. Thanks to the internet, I have located two stores,  Untuckit and Ash & Erie, that have websites and they make clothes that fit shorter guys perfectly, but… they charge $70-80 per shirt! What the hell? I call that discrimination. If I’m getting a shirt that’s smaller than another shirt, shouldn’t my shirt cost less because they used less material and probably one less button?  Ash & Erie and Untuckit, get your shirt together! Us slightly shorter guys have enough cultural bias to deal with. We don’t need to get ripped off on our clothing budget too. (Also, I’m open to sponsorship/advertising opportunities with you)

Short people are just the same
As you and I,
(A fool such as I)
All men are brothers
Until the day they die
(It’s a wonderful world)

Randy Newman, I’m not letting you off the hook with that one nice stanza in the middle of the song. You still went back to your biased garbage for the rest of the song.

I looked up Randy’s height. He was 6’0″. He’s 80 now and I bet my short body could kick the crap out of him. But I wouldn’t because I don’t judge people like that. Also, if you want to see the list of average human height by country click THIS LINK. And if you’re less than 5’10” tall, give me a shout in the comments. I’m betting there’s more of us than there are them and if we band together we can take over the world and make them wear ill-fitting clothes.

Thanks for reading and if you like, you can send this to a short person you know so they can join my army. ~Phil

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My 2024 Psychic Predictions: Already Got One Right

Posted on January 6, 2024 | 4 comments

Remember my 2024 psychic predictions from about two weeks ago when I said, “2024 will be the year of UFO’s: Everywhere across the world there will be more public and political acknowledgement that our world is regularly visited by beings from other worlds, leading to the discovery that Pete Davidson is an alien, but a nice one.”

I guess I can check that one off the list. I don’t know if Pete Davidson was there, but January 1st in Miami there was a huge police presence at a mall and they shut it down, evacuating everyone.

According to Forbes.com: “10ft Aliens/Creatures (caught on camera?) fired at inside and outside Miami Mall, media silent, cops are covering it up saying kids were fighting with fireworks, yet all these cop cars, & air traffic stopped that night except for black military choppers…and no media coverage,” one account on X claimed. (That’s the picture of the mall above)

Not a real picture of an alien shopping at the Miami mall.

I’m not saying I believe that aliens were at Cinnabon in Miami , but as I said, this year there will be more public discourse about aliens than we’ve heard since the Roswell incident.

(Thank you to AI for the above spot on pic)

It was probably a bunch of rowdy teenagers on a Friday night, and to be fair, teenagers might as well be aliens. But what if there’s a 1% chance it was real aliens? How much more interesting would our world suddenly be?

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

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The Top Ten 2024 Banished Phrases

Posted on January 1, 2024 | 1 comment

Calm down free speech people! I’m on your side. No one is actually banning words or phrases, unless you live in Florida and Ron Dementis is your governor.

Have you ever thought to yourself, “I am so sick of hearing that phrase!”?  Sometimes it’s an acronym at work. Other times it’s a pop culture phenomenon. Often it’s a word or phrase that another generation says that makes no sense to you.

Lake Superior State University is located in Michigan’s upper peninsula, which should really be part of Wisconsin or Canada. Each year they publish a list of the top ten words that people would like to see banished.

That is exactly the kind of hard hitting research you’ll find at a “state school.” I should know, because I went to one. Harvard is busy curing cancer, but Lake Superior State University is spending public money making lists of silly phrases. They are definitely my kind of people.

I’ll give you their list with my ideas and I’d love to hear your thoughts and suggestions in the comments.

1. Hack: For me, this word being banished is well overdue. Haven’t we heard the phrase “life hack” constantly since they invented the internet?

2. Impact: As in the phrase “This tiny state school in Michigan is trying to make an impact with their ridiculous list.”

3. “At the end of the day…” Why is this phrase being banished now? This is something my parents generation used to say. Too little too late LSSU. At the end of the day, I’d rather not learn literary arts at Lake Superior State University.

4. Rizz, which is short for charisma. Apparently this word is all the rage with the kids these days. Although if you use the word rizz, you sound like the last person in the world with any actual rizz.

5. Slay, as in “The Phil Factor is slaying it lately!” That seems like a perfectly good use of the word because we all know that The Phil Factor has rizz.

6. Iconic: I completely agree. This is a label attached way too freely to people, events and arts that are most definitely not iconic.

7. Cringe-worthy: This is a phrase I’m actually in support of. I think it’s useful. If we take away cringe-worthy, what replaces it as a description for an act or situation that makes everyone present uncomfortable?

8. Obsessed: This word is definitely overused. It’s like people are obsessed with it. See what I did there?

9. Side hustle: Ugh. I agree. This is one of the lamest and most overused phrases of the last 15 years. It developed because of Ubering, but now gets attached to any second job. Is my blog my side hustle?

10. Wait for it… Definitely overused. and if you “wait for it” I’ll come up with an equally lame pun to hammer that point home. If you wait for it, Lake Superior State University will still never be relevant because of this list.

OK, here’s your turn. In the comments, what are the words and phrases you think should be banned? Also, if you want to contribute to Lake Superior State Universities 2025 list, you can go to: lssu.edu/banishedwords.

Happy New Year! I hope you enjoy your day off . Thanks for reading! ~Phil

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New Years Eve for Boomers!

Posted on December 30, 2023 | 3 comments

Congratulations! Your Pontiac Fiero has taken you past the threshold of normal adulthood. Now as a bona fide Boomer, you’re faced with the perplexing challenge of navigating New Year’s Eve like an adult adult. (yes, I meant to say adult twice) Fear not boomer-in-training; I’m here to help you gracefully waltz into the new year without tripping over your slip-on Skechers. (BTW, Skechers feel free to contact me if you’d like to sponsor The Phil Factor.)

1. The Wardrobe Dilemma: Pajamas or Actual Pants?

So you invited neighbors Barb and George over for drinks and watching the apple, ball, or sponsored logo drop in Times Square. Now you face the age-old question of what to wear. As a Boomer, the struggle is real—do you opt for the sophistication of actual clothes or succumb to the allure of cozy pajamas? The answer: both. Consider rocking the “business casual on top, party on the bottom” look. That way, when the clock strikes twelve, no matter where you are, you can triumphantly kick your guests out and declare, “I’m ready for bed!” It’s your living room and you can damn well wear whatever you want. Pro tip: pajama jeans! (Also Phil Factor sponsor opportunity available)

Pic from MarketWatch.com

2. Decoding the Art of Adult Conversations

Gone are the days of discussing the latest video games or keeping up with current music. As a Boomer, your conversations now revolve around mortgage rates, the stock market, and the enigma that is Boomering. (Yep, I invented the verb “Boomering” copyright pending.) Navigate the party small talk with poise, dropping gems like, “Have you diversified your investment portfolio lately?” or “Here’s how I get more calcium in my diet…” That’s always a crowd pleaser.

Pic from X.com

3. The Midnight Toast: A Symphony of Wine Glasses

Let’s be honest, we’re probably not staying up until midnight, right? But we can pretend and toast at 10:00. In our twenties, the midnight toast involved questionable shots and clashing beer mugs. Now, as a Boomer, it’s all about the symphony of wine glasses clinking together. Pro tip: choose a wine that pairs well with Boomering, like a robust red that complements the complex flavors of your frustration with the internet and “kids these days.”

4. Crafting Resolutions: From Skydiving to Financial Savvy

While your younger self might have resolved to skydive or backpack across Europe, your grown-up resolutions are more practical. Consider pledging to finally organize your decades old junk drawer, conquer the art of meal prepping, or become a master at assembling IKEA furniture without a single leftover screw.

5. Countdown Contemplations: Balancing Excitement and Responsibility

As the countdown commences, the challenge is to balance the excitement of the impending new year with how much stress you think your heart can tolerate. Take a moment to reflect on your accomplishments, like successfully adulting your way through tax season or paying for your daughters wedding in Maui.

Pic from Insider.com

6. Champagne Popping Mastery: No Eye Injuries, Please!

Boomers pop champagne with the finesse of seasoned sommeliers. Ensure a smooth and injury-free cork release by holding the bottle at a 45-degree angle, gripping the cork firmly, and twisting the bottle—not the cork. Remember, no one wants to start the new year with a champagne-induced black eye. Pro-tip: If you go cheap enough, you can find champagne with a screw cap. Don’t worry, Barb and George won’t know the difference and they may be dozing off on your couch by this time

7. Post-Celebration Recovery: The Hangover Survival Kit

In our twenties, a hangover was a badge of honor. As a Boomer, if we made the mistake of one too many drinks, it’s a serious matter that requires a well-prepared survival kit. Stock up on electrolyte-infused beverages, pain relievers, and a gourmet breakfast delivery service, because pancakes delivered to your door are the epitome of Boomer luxury.

So there you have it—the essential guide for Boomers navigating the temporary, whimsical world of New Year’s Eve. Remember, being a Boomer doesn’t mean losing your sense of humor; it just means you’ve upgraded from partying all night to laughing about it the next day. Here’s to embracing the chaos, celebrating the wins, and proving that being a Boomer can be as hilarious as it is rewarding.

Cheers to Boomering 2024! Thanks for reading ~Phil

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