Tag Archives: tattoo humor

Top Ten Tuesday! The Ten Worst Tattoos You Can Get

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I know I look squeaky clean and about as cool as most sit-com dads, but I do like tattoos. I have a few myself and so do others in my family. When choosing a tattoo, my philosophy is that you should choose wisely because you are, for the most part, stuck with that on your body forever more. Some people aren’t so picky though. Based on seeing others, these are my top ten worst possible tattoo choices. In the comments, tell me what your ideas are.

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10. A corporate logo: I like a lot of products, but not so much I’d tattoo them on me. I’ve heard of people being paid to have a logo tattooed on them. No thanks. What if in ten years you find out that company has been poisoning people or making hamburgers out of puppies?

9. Someone’s name: Through a job I once had, I knew a couple that had each others names tattooed on their necks, so of course they broke up. Maybe your name and home address with the phrase “If found, return to:” just in case you pass out somewhere.

8. Face tattoo: The news came out yesterday that Justin Bieber got a face tattoo. Of course he did. He’s a moron. His is just a tiny cross beneath his eye, but others have certainly done much worse on their faces.

The Hangover

The Hangover

7. The permanent makeup: Sounds like a great idea right? Never have to put eyeliner or lipstick on again! I don’t get it. I think 99% of women look better without makeup.

6. A band name: Unless it’s The Beatles, can anyone think of any band right now that we’ll still consider brilliant 40 years from now? Who’s got that One Direction tattoo? Anyone?

5. A cartoon character: I like SpongeBob as much as the next guy, but I’m pretty sure that when I’m 80 I’m not going to be into Scooby Doo, or SpongeBob, or Batman as much as I was when I was young. Also, when I’m 80 my grandchildren will wonder who all those weird characters on me are.

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4. The bar code: The first time I heard of some one getting a bar code tattooed on the back of their neck I thought it was hilarious. Outside of that first dude, the rest of the people that did it are stupid and unoriginal.

3. A ghost shaped like a penis: The last time I got a tattoo, I asked the artist what was the stupidest tattoo anyone had ever requested from her. Yes, a ghost shaped like a penis. She showed me a picture.

2. The WordPress logo: I’m pretty sure that even if I got a WordPress tattoo and posted a picture of it on my blog every day for a year, I’d still never get Freshly Pressed. Jerks. If they did offer to Freshly Press a post of my choice from my blog if I get a WordPress tattoo…yes, I’d do it.

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1. The neck tattoo: Not only do I imagine that the neck would be a painful place to get a tattoo,  but unless you’re willing to wear a turtleneck, that neck tattoo will be the first thing anyone notices about you. That’s why Steve Jobs always wore a turtleneck. He was hiding an Apple tattoo he had gotten when he was drunk. It’s possible I just made that up.

So those are my ideas for the top ten worst possible types of tattoos. What are yours? Do you have tattoos? Do you like tattoos? Do you hate tattoos? Is there one you’re dying to get? Do you have one you regret?

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

The Man with the Scorpion Tattoo

No, this is not a male version of the popular novel The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. This is much better than that.  I’m pretty sure nobody had very many laughs reading that dragon tattoo book. The Man with the Scorpion Tattoo also is not a fictional character. The Man with the Scorpion Tattoo is a guy I see at my Starbuck’s almost every morning. To be fair, it’s not really my Starbucks. I am neither owner nor manager, but The Man with the Scorpion Tattoo still shows up there regularly regardless of my lack of affiliation with the place.

The Man with the Scorpion Tattoo is bald. Not old man, male pattern baldness bald, but “I shaved my head so I can look like a bad ass” bald.  The Man with the Scorpion Tattoo also has a giant scorpion tattooed on his bald head. A scorpion tattoo that is much larger than any real scorpion. The tattoo stretches from the top of his head, wrapping around the back and down to the top of the neck. Each morning I wonder, what exactly is he trying to tell the world about himself?

Evil. I think having a giant scorpion tattooed on a menacing bald head kind of screams evil. My shamrock tattoo says I’m Irish. His scorpion tattoo says ‘I’m evil.” In fact after observing The Man with the Scorpion Tattoo daily for a while now, I’m pretty sure he is actually Satan. Yup, the real one. Apparently, just like you and me, Satan stops for his Starbucks fix on his way to work every day. Coffee, black of course. None of those frou frou girly drinks with whipped cream.  He keeps to himself and goes about his business quietly while at Starbucks, but just the same, I’m pretty sure he’s Satan. He makes small talk with the baristas so as not to arouse any suspicion. He tips, but never too much or too little. He always sits alone at the table by the window.

I suppose it’s possible right? I mean, Satan has a job to do every day doesn’t he? If he didn’t show up for work each day encouraging evil, imagine all the police officers, military, and jail staff that would be out of work. Without evil our economy suffers. So like the rest of us, Satan’s day begins when his alarm goes off. Because he’s evil, he hits snooze. Twice. Then I imagine Satan walking his dog clad in pajama pants and a Motley Crue reunion tour t-shirt. Obviously, he doesn’t pick up the poop in a little bag because of his inherent evil nature. Unlike me, Satan never bothers to iron his shirt for work either. Before leaving for work he grabs his bagged lunch, grumbling over the low carb kick his wife is on, and gives Mrs. Satan a little kiss and let’s her know if he’ll be home late because there’s a need for a little extra unrest in the middle east. Then he hops in the Satan mobile (you would think a red car, but he thinks that’s too flashy and goes with black. Tinted windows of course. Maybe a Mustang.) Then he stops at Starbuck’s to have his coffee, check Facebook and go over his schedule, all the while making a mental note that when he gets some extra time he’ll have to perpetrate some evil on that guy in the tie who stares at him every morning.

Remember the 1995 Joan Osborne song, “What if God Were One of Us?”  If God could be one of us, so could Satan. And if Satan had a name, I imagine it wouldn’t be any of those fancy biblical names like Beezlebub or Lucifer. Seriously, how much of a giveaway would that be? He’d be constantly hounded by fans and papparazzi. No, I’m pretty sure that if Satan has a name it’s something like Ed. And yes Ms. Osborne, I would call him Ed to his face. I wonder if Ed has a blog…If he does, I’m pretty sure he gets more reads than I got last week because his friends click on the Facebook Like or Share button below. C’mon people, we can’t let evil win!

If you enjoy my nonsense and want to help me defeat evil you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle, try out my humorous murder mystery novel White Picket Prisons and follow me on my new Facebook author page at <a href=”https://www.facebook.com/pages/Phil-Taylor/331876066920144.

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