Category Archives: Uncategorized

The Unemployment Diaries: Day 1

For the first time in over 30 years, I don’t have a job. As will happen occasionally, if you work for corporate America, you get laid off. I’m not going to bash my former company. They treated me well for a long time.  What I am going to do is chronicle my adventures as I try to find things to do when I have nothing to do.

My initial impression of what happens to guys who lose their job is Michael Keaton in Mr. Mom:

I posted the picture of me at the top so you can see what I look like on Day 1. Who knows? Maybe on Day 28 I will have a beard and be walking around the house in a robe. Or maybe I’ll have a funny, kick-ass blog. I didn’t do it today, but I intend to go to video blogging occasionally. I’ve never done it, but have always wanted to.

Being without a job is freeing. I’ve spent over 30 years going to work at least 40 hours a week. So, having some time off is why I’m smiling in the picture above. Also yesterday, all alone in my house, I did a little bit of this:

I really did dance around my house for no reason yesterday, but it was to Green Day. I couldn’t pull off Tom Cruise’s slide across the floor in my socks because I have carpeting. If I could have, you would have seen it because I would have filmed myself sliding by the laptop camera.

You’re probably wondering if my Unemployment Diaries series of blog posts is just going to be references to 80’s movies. The answer is, I don’t know. I honestly don’t know where my mind will take me when I have this much unstructured free time.

So far today I endured a brief panic when I thought the toaster didn’t work. Briefly, I wondered if I could eat my dog if things got too dire. Fortunately I figured out the toaster issue. Her life is saved, for now. Actually, I probably won’t eat her. When I was on the phone with my former company’s human resources department being told I was laid off, my dog was in the corner throwing up on the rug. She knows how to read the room.

Then I had an argument with Amazon’s Alexa device which resulted in me shouting “Shut up Alexa” and storming out of the room. She is just such a fecking know it all. I fear that my relationship with Alexa may not survive this.

Stay tuned…  ~Phil

There’s No Happy Ending To This Massage

ashbeautyhealth.com.au

In the immortal words of Indiana Jones, “Snakes. Why did it have to be snakes?” Why couldn’t there be massages that involve little bunnies, kittens, puppies or panda bears? Yes, snake massages are a thing.

It started almost six years ago in Indonesia and now American celebrities are jumping on the snake massage bandwagon. There’s a woman in New York City, calling herself Serpentessa who charges $300 for a 75 minute snake massage with several boa constrictors. Serpentessa?!!? Really? She sounds like a villain in a super hero movie. She probably does a snake hiss anytime she pronounces a word with an S. I’m guessing that’s not her birth name. She’s probably Edith from Kansas City. (Click her name there to go see her website)

Just to be clear, I don’t have a snake phobia at all. As a kid I used to catch snakes and keep them as pets. My mom was not thrilled. That being said, I’m not getting a snake massage unless someone reading this gets a GoFundMe started and you all contribute enough to cover the cost of my massage and the travel to NYC. Then I’d feel obligated to go get it done and film it for my blog, which I would rename Phil Does Stupid Stuff. Here’s why I won’t choose to do a snake massage on my own: She’s doing it with boa constrictors! These are the snakes that squeeze the life out of people and swallow them whole. In the video below, you’ll see that the snakes are just languidly slithering over the victim person.

But what if  you sneeze and startle the snakes? Like you and me, if we’re startled, wouldn’t the snakes tense up? Or what if Serpentessa gets a phone call and leaves the room to take it? No thank you. That’s probably just what Sepentessa wants. She’s going to feed her enemies to the snakes until she can take over the world. Hmm…I wonder if I could send Donald Trump a snake massage gift certificate… Now, as a writer I’m picturing the scene: In the dark of night, in the hallway of the White House snakes slithering into the Oval Office….

This seems like as good an idea as Goat yoga. Just let me know when the GoFundMe has enough for me to go get that snake massage. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

I Know What You Googled in the Dark!

I haven’t done one of these posts in a while. This is my quarterly reminder that even if you have your computer in ghost mode or you haven’t signed in to Google, someone somewhere knows what you searched when you’re home alone. Big Brother may not be watching, but I am. So without further self-indulgent blathering by yours truly, these are not the most popular search terms that brought people to The Phil Factor, but they are definitely the most interesting:

Sex position for Tuesday: It’s a little known fact that certain sexual positions on certain days of the week lead to a higher rate of conception. I am the world’s foremost expert on this subject, so for a fee, I will advise. In response to this inquiry, the answer is The Blender Bender. You’re welcome. Enjoy.

Can sociopaths smell? clinical study showed that people with a poor sense of smell score highly on ratings of sociopathic tendencies. I would guess that most of you can’t even smell the aroma I’ve programmed my blog to give off when you open the web page. If you can’t smell it, then you’re a sociopath.

Doppelganger women fight: Every man’s fantasy, right? I’d say that it depends on the woman.

electric-vehiclenews.com

Perks of being the Pope: It’s a little known fact that the Pope and I are old pals. We went to band camp together one summer and we still keep in touch. One of the perks of being the Pope is that he gets to drive the Popemobile, and he just loves to pull up to my house in that thing. He’s so smug.

What do kids get out of snorting Tide pods? I would guess not much more than their nostrils smelling like lavender breeze. Kids, if you’re reading this, stop snorting Tide Pods. Have you even tried drugs?

Amazon.com

Foot Fetish certificate: I used to be in charge of awarding the foot fetish certificates worldwide, but now apparently it’s Amazon.com. Go ahead, click that. I dare you.

Funny drinking charities: These are my favorite charities. Apparently, I am a funny drinking charity. Amazon author stats show that the only time anyone has ordered one of my books is when they are drunk. How does Amazon know that? Trust me, Amazon knows everything. EVERYTHING!

Celebrity nipples: So I’ve got an old friend who is a very well respected and confidential cosmetic surgeon, and long story short, Ryan Gosling has nothing on me, or is it vice-versa?

Have a great Sunday! ~Phil

The Top Ten Phil Factor Posts of 2018!

Hi everyone. Happy New Year’s Eve. We’ve made it through another year and I thank you for all your reading, support, and comments over the past year. Just in case you woke up this morning wondering what the most popular Phil Factor posts were in 2018, well I’ve got you covered. Here they are!

10. 2018 Predictions from a Legit Psychic

mirror.co.uk

9. If I Was The Royal Wedding Planner

8. The Plot of Every Hallmark Christmas Movie

7. The Ten Worst Song Lyrics Ever

6. Top Ten Tuesday: Ten Funny Tweets

5. Ten Signs Your Wife is Cheating With an Amish Guy

4. Angst Away! The Cure for That Valentine’s Stench! 

3. The Top Ten Psychic Pick Up Lines

2. Real Sexting Conversations To Read in Hindi

1. Ten Idiotic Things Celebrities Have Bought

You might have noticed that a couple of them weren’t written in 2018. Their popularity continues thanks to search engines that bring people to The Phil Factor from all over the world for very strange reasons. Have a Happy New Year tonight and be safe! For my friends in Australia, I hope you had a nice New Year’s Eve! ~Phil

My Psychic Predictions for 2019!

That’s me in the crystal ball. I’m not the lady

This is one of my favorite posts every year and in recent years seems to be a favorite of my readers and of people from all over the world. I don’t talk about it very often on my blog, but I fancy myself a soothsayer, a psychic if you will. Am I kidding? Sometimes, but not all the time, and over the years my ability to predict future events accurately has even surprised me. Enough about me, you want the goods don’t you? You want to know what the future holds right? Pull up a chair, open your mind and look into my crystal ball with me…

Aliens Attack in 2019! Yes, this is the year that half the world has been waiting for and the other half has been fearing. Planet Earth will finally have the proof that so many have been searching for confirming that there is other intelligent life in the universe. In a possibly related note, when the alien ships disappear, so will Queen Elizabeth. Oddly, a strange blue light will fill the sky over London on the night the UFO’s disappear and the Queen allegedly dies. England will report that she passed away and they will hold a magnificent funeral with a suspiciously closed casket.

2019 is The Year of The Fin, or is it Finn? Everywhere you look in 2019 you will see a Fin, or maybe a Finn. Ian Ziering played Fin Shepard on the SyFy networks Sharknado series. Finn Wolfhard played Mike Wheeler on the popular Netflix series Stranger Things. My prediction is that 2019 will be The Year of  The Fin(n) without either starring in a shark related project. I predict that you won’t be able to turn on your television without seeing one of the Fin(n)s. Unfortunately, their breakout success will lead to a new psychiatric malady called Fin(n) Fatigue for which I will be the only professionally licensed therapist. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Jump into those fin(n) infested waters at your own risk.

In 2019 the World will…not end A lot of psychics like to make headlines by predicting the end of the world. Not me. I’m going out on a limb and predicting that the world will still be here in a year. In 2009 I made my first Earth saving prediction and it was borne true in December of 2012. Remember when everybody believed that because the ancient Mayan calendar ended in December 2012 that the world would end then? Read this post I wrote in 2009 and scheduled to post in 2012. I’m feeling just as solid about 2019. I can’t make any guarantees for you personally, but this big ball of dirt will still be in orbit around the sun.

Pic courtesy of Daily Kos

The American Presidency: Yes in my minds eye I see turmoil unlike we’ve ever seen at The White House, but I am unsure if we will see a scene such as the one portrayed in the picture above. Mostly because they’ll have a hard time finding handcuffs small enough to hold his tiny hands together. Maybe these will work:

Thank you Stephen Colbert

The surprise in this is not that Trump will face legal charges, but so will his daughter Ivanka, her husband Jared Kushner, and wife Melania, who although she is allegedly Slovenian, turns out to be a Russian spy who has been controlling Donald Trump since they met.

express.co.uk

Will Brexit Exit? And What About Theresa May’s Love Life? I’m bringing back an old prediction because it looks like it will be coming true, just not in the exact time frame that I foresaw. In December of 2016 I predicted that Britain would try to reverse course and not leave the European Union. In that prediction that you can read HERE I predicted the reversal of Brexit plans and I also predicted the hashtag #UnBrexit. Feel free to go check Twitter for that, it’s there. The oddity about this prediction is that the Brexit drama will end Theresa May’s reign as Prime Minister. She will be an outcast in her own country and will move to the United States, write love letters to imprisoned Donald Trump, and eventually begin a relationship, with conjugal visits, that will end in marriage. Sorry about that conjugal visit image that’s now stuck in your head. If it’s in my head, I want it in your head.

Whew! I’m exhausted from all that mind-bending peering into the future. I hope you enjoyed it and now you can make your plans for 2019. If you found this to be humorous and awe-inspiring feel free to share to social media using the buttons below. Have a very Happy New Years celebration tomorrow! ~Psychic Phil

Throwback Thursday! Cemetery of The Heart

picturesofengland.com

(Nov. 1, 2014) We all have a Cemetery of the Heart that we visit from time to time. It is a place that is unique and belongs to each of us alone. Sometimes we visit when it’s sunny and the birds are singing and at these times we are unaffected by the memories each marker represents, thankful that we are in a better place.

Other times we visit our Cemetery of the Heart when the weather is cloudy, cold, and stormy, perhaps mourning the loss of those happy memories that warmed our hearts in days gone by.We may walk down an aisle, a small, grassy path flanked on either side by those tiny markers that barely acknowledge a person’s passing, viewing the tombstones with varying levels of interest and angst. Some of the smaller stones, barely a marker really, may represent missed opportunities, brief connections with people which never came to fruition or doors we did not open when opportunity knocked. Most are relationships that perished in their infancy. We recognize the names on some of these stones and others we do not. Some are lovers, some are friends and some are strangers we may have met in passing.

In the next row over are tombstones of those loves which may have been ill-fated, but which still resonate poignantly in our memories. The path through this row of grave markers is slightly uphill, but we can still easily make the trek. The stones are tall and strong with the names and dates etched in them as they are forever etched in our hearts. Each one a small nick, or scratch, or crack in the surface of our hearts, which may have changed it ever so slightly, but which also gives our heart some of the strength and character which has brought us this far.

As we turn the corner of the gravel path there are only a few graves left to view. Up the long, steep hill at the far back of our Cemetery of the Heart are the monuments and mausoleums. It is inevitable. Once we enter our Cemetery of the Heart we are compelled to walk the entire path, even when it becomes steep and difficult. There is no way to go back and erase what we’ve carved on each tombstone. The monuments and mausoleums may be far fewer in number, but their size and importance dominates our view of the cemetery.

In some places we have erected enormous monuments to lost loves. Some of them stand so tall and broad that they block the sun, dooming the small flowers we have tried to plant since the monument was built. Some of us are so tired from pushing the heavy stones into place that we haven’t even tried to plant new flowers yet. We hope that in time some hardy plants will grow here naturally in the shade of these memories and with enough time perhaps they will grow tall enough to reach the sunlight with branches where birds will nest and sing again.

Next to our monuments we notice a mausoleum. Some of the crypts are labeled and we fondly pay homage to those who still hold a special place in our hearts, those we still wish to check in on from time to time to see that they are well. Finally, if we choose to look closely enough, we can see that the daylight from outside our mausoleum has crept through the doorway to reveal a few empty drawers at the back. At this realization we smile and leave the cemetery in peace, knowing that the storm will eventually pass.

This is an idea for a future novel. I hope you don’t mind the detour from my usual style of writing. I promise to return to my usual level of idiocy soon. As always, if you enjoy anything I write on #ThePhilFactor I’d love it if you shared by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. See you Saturday! ~Phil

19 Gates of Hell: A Book Review

If you enjoy Halloween and a good horror story, then this is the book for you. 19 Gates of Hell is a new anthology of, you guessed it, nineteen stories of horror. Each story is by a different author and each is a gripping, blood curdling tale of horror in the vein of some of the great classic horror writers like Poe and Lovecraft.

Marie Lanza

I was gifted a copy of this book by friend of The Phil Factor, radio personality, author and Queen of Zombies, Marie Lanza who is the only other person to have written a Top Ten list for The Phil Factor. Check out Marie’s website for more info on all of her books. For 19 Gates, Marie contributed the story Facing Death, which is, in my opinion, the cream of the crop.

Other world famous authors in this anthology include: R.L. Burwick Rich Restucci Sean DevilleJames Watts Frank Martin Alberto Pupo Jacob Floyd Byron Craft, and Titan Frey  

If you love horror, you can’t beat this anthology. Pick it up from Amazon  as an e-book or paperback and find your new favorite author.

Have a great Halloween! ~Phil