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You Are Someone’s Secret Weirdo

You are a weirdo. Don’t worry though, so am I. Yesterday it occurred to me that we are all secret weirdos. I came upon this notion when I was doing one of my weirdo things yesterday morning. Now you’re intrigued aren’t you? You want to know what my weirdo thing is. Ok, I’ll tell you mine, if you tell me yours in the comments section below.

A habit I’ve picked up is walking. Not just walking like normal walking. I walk for exercise. Yes, I know a lot of people do that. My weirdo thing is that every Sunday morning at 6:15 a.m. I walk a mile and a half to my nearest supermarket to get a fresh baked peanut doughnut and a cup of coffee. I walk 25 minutes to get there, then I spend about 5 minutes in the store getting my doughnut and coffee, and then I walk 25 minutes home. Yesterday it was 26 degrees Fahrenheit outside and the sidewalks were icy. Didn’t matter. I still did my “doughnut walk.”

It hadn’t occurred to me until yesterday that my waking up before the sun and walking for a doughnut and cup of coffee regardless of conditions might appear weird to some people. You know what made me realize that my behavior might seem weird? I noticed someone else’s weirdo behavior.

Over the past nine months when I’ve done my Sunday doughnut walk, I’ve noticed someone else doing something weird. On my way to the supermarket, I pass a gym that doesn’t open until 7:00 a.m. and yet every Sunday morning when I pass the gym at about 6:30, there’s a woman parked in her car in front of the gym. It’s looks like she’s reading and listening to the radio. Every week for nine months I’ve thought to myself, “What a weirdo! Why does she sit outside waiting for the gym to open? Why doesn’t she just sit at home and leave later?”

Then just yesterday, it occurred to me that I’m her Sunday morning weirdo. She sits in her car waiting for the gym to open and sees me walk by, and then about ten minutes later she sees me walk by in the other direction with a doughnut and coffee. She’s got to be thinking, ‘What a fecking weirdo! Why does he walk to get a doughnut and then just walk home. Why doesn’t he just drive? If he’s trying to exercise, doesn’t he realize that the doughnut calories completely cancel out the walking?”

What’s my point? My point is that we are all secret weirdos. We all have some quirky behavior that works for us but makes no sense to anyone else. We are all the same. None of us are any less or more weird than anyone else. It’s the holiday season and we are all different. Try being kind to everyone because to someone else you’re the weirdo. Now, in the comments, what is your weirdness?

Have a great Monday! ~Phil

The Ten Best Christmas Movies EVER? Let the Debate Begin!

Every holiday season I post this list and it evolves based on readers suggestions and new movies that come out. If you have favorites that didn’t make the list please add them in the comments section and maybe you’ll influence next years list.

10. Christmas Vacation (1989) Added to the list this year by popular demand in response to last years Top Ten is Christmas Vacation, which knocked The Nightmare Before Christmas off the list. What do you think? Should a different movie have been taken off the list? Christmas Vacation fun fact: The assistant director of Christmas Vacation is the grandson of the director of It’s a Wonderful Life.

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9. Scrooged: (1988) A modern re-telling of the Charles Dickens classic starring Bill Murray. I think that even Dickens would agree that this is way better than the original.

8. The Family Man (2000) Starring Nicholas Cage and Tea Leoni. Most people don’t think much of Nicholas Cage, but in this movie he nails the role of an investment banker who through a Christmas miracle is shown the path not taken in his life. I like this one so much that it knocked Die Hard off the list. If you haven’t seen it, go watch it and come back here and tell me what you think.

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7. The Santa Clause: This 2004 movie starring Tim Allen screamed instant classic the first time I saw it. Also, any movie that includes Judge Reinhold is a must watch.

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6. Love Actually: (2003) This is the best Christmas movie there is about stodgy British people trying to get it on, but it’s a favorite with the ladies, so it made the list. Around the holidays the ladies get what the ladies want.

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5. The Polar Express: (2004) Tom Hanks is a better actor as cartoon character.

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4. Elf: (2003) Starring Will Farrell, this is the most quotable of all holiday movies. “I just like to smile. Smiling’s my favorite.” or “Buddy the Elf. What’s your favorite color?” What’s your favorite Elf quote? Put it in the comments

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3. Miracle on 34th Street: (1947) I’ve never watched the color version and I don’t plan to. I’ve loved this one since I was a kid, especially the brilliant court scene when Santa’s lawyer wins by having the postmen deliver the letters to Santa. That was the last time the post office delivered anything on time for the holidays. Also, has anyone else noticed that the entire movie is about the lawyer guy trying to get with the little girls single mom?

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2. A Christmas Story: (1983) It is right and just that TBS plays this movie for 24 hours straight every year.

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1. It’s a Wonderful Life: (1946) Yes, I’m an old sentimental fool. I still love it every time when Mary is hidden in the bush and has lost her robe and George says, “Now this is a very interesting situation.” Who doesn’t wonder where the movie might have gone had his friends not pulled up in the car at that moment. Bow bow chicka chicka… Also it’s pretty cool to me that the town of Bedford Falls is based on a small town in upstate New York that I drive through all the time.

Ok, that’s my list. What do you disagree with? What movies would you put on the list?  And don’t forget those Elf quotes! Have a great Sunday! ~Phil

Size Matters!

That’s a title that should get some attention, but it’s not what you think. As Ryan Reynolds once said in the hilarious sit-com Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pizza Place (1998-2001)Come, sit, admire my big brain!”

I didn’t talk about this back in the Spring when it happened, but last April, out of nowhere, I had a massive migraine headache. I had never had one before, and the symptoms of this particular one were more like the symptoms you might have if you had a stroke, and that’s how they evaluated me at the hospital.

At one point after a brain scan a tech mentioned “some brain shrinkage” and off-handedly said “But that’s normal.” First, no guy wants shrinkage, especially George Costanza. Who remembers that episode?

As someone who has one of the genes responsible for Alzheimer’s and whose father had Alzheimer’s, hearing that you have brain shrinkage is particularly alarming. After watching my father get progressively worse over a number of years until his passing earlier this year, my biggest fear is that I will end up like him.

Following the ER visit where they decided that it was only a migraine headache, I was determined not to end up like my father. I began reading about Alzheimer’s, how and why it occurs, and possible behavioral/nutritional interventions to minimize my chances of forgetting all of you wonderful online friends over the next twenty years.

I just want Alzheimer’s that makes me forget every Keanu Reeve’s movie I’ve ever seen.

I’ve decreased my alcohol consumption. I’ve gone back to playing table tennis. I just signed up for piano lessons. I exercise every day. I’ve altered my diet, minimizing sugar intake and increasing fruits, vegetables and plant proteins, as well as intermittent fasting 2-3 times a week. I also have a half-caff cup of coffee once in the morning and once in the afternoon. All those things have added up to me feeling like my brain is sharper every day.

Because of a previous cancellation, yesterday was my first follow up with the neurologist. He was interested in whether I had any more migraine symptoms since the ER visit. I told him that I had some very mild symptoms now and then. Nothing that impairs my functioning or even bothers me much. I told him that my bigger concern was Alzheimer’s. I told him about my father and my genetic testing.

This is what I feel like my brain is now

He pulled up my brain scans on his laptop and said that there was not really any shrinkage and couldn’t understand why the tech had said that. He looked at an image of my brain and actually said, “That’s a great looking brain.” And he emphasized that it almost appeared as if my brain could barely fit inside my skull.

I walked out of that appointment feeling like I was floating on a cloud. A weight that I didn’t realize I was carrying was suddenly off my shoulders. I know though that I can’t let my guard down. Alzheimer’s is in my genes and it could get me if I’m not careful. At the end of the day though, all I’m thinking about, with a smile on my face, is that I don’t have any “shrinkage” and I have “a great looking brain.”

Don’t take anything for granted and have a great weekend! ~Phil

I Know What You Googled In The Dark

Like opening Christmas presents, the list of search terms that brought people here is always surprising. I know I have my regular readers who are nice, sane, intelligent people. Then there are the people that get to The Phil Factor by “Googling” something. My blog will turn up in their list of search results and they get intrigued by one of my clever titles. What most people don’t know is that if someone owns a website, you can get a list of the creepy, crazy and downright bizarre search terms that bring people to your site. This my friends is the top ten list of the weirdest search terms that brought strangers here in 2021.

10. Glutes are made for walking: If you’ve seen my glutes, you know this is spot on, but how did google know about my glutes?

That’s me in the crystal ball. I’m not the lady

9. The Phil Factor Psychic Predictions 2022: 2022? It looks like someone was looking to the future. Yes, in case you didn’t know, I’m psychic and each December I publish my predictions for the coming year. You may scoff (see I’m predicting your behavior), but I have had many of my most outlandish predictions come true. Some even from the last year. If you want to read some of my past psychic predictions, just google The Phil Factor psychic predictions and add the year. Come back here on Dec. 31st for my psychic predictions for 2022.

8. Popes Perks: You’ve got to figure that there are some cool ass perks to being the best known religious official in the world, right? Click the title below to see what I had to say about that in 2015. The Top Ten Perks To Being The Pope

7. Which Generation Eats Tide Pods? Someone searched that term and came to my blog for answers. Believe it or not, I had the answers RIGHT HERE.

6. Coolest Safe Words: When you and your partner want to get a little risky in the bedroom, who can you count on to provide you with the best safe words? That’s right, I’ve got your back, or your front or whatever side you may be doing “things” on when the lights go out. Check out Ten Fun Safe Words

5. Sexting Examples in Hindi: In case you’ve been living under a rock over the last ten years, I’m proud to inform you that my blog is hugely popular in India. Why? Because I have a long history of helping my Hindi speaking friends to प्यार करना (make love). Don’t believe me? Read How Ron Burgundy Will Save Hindi Sex 

4. Candy Hearts Insurance Sayings: Are there really candy hearts with insurance sayings on them? Ugh, who would want that? I imagine it might say something like “I love you, but I’m not going to live forever. Get term life insurance” . Anywho, I think I can blame my list of Top Ten Rejected Candy Heart Sayings for this one.

3. Psychic Pick Up Lines: After about 5 years the horny hindi’s tailed off, but they were replaced by a new group of unusual individuals who came to The Phil Factor looking for love. Psychics are now flocking to my blog regularly to find out how to navigate a relationship when you can already read their dirty little minds. If you’re a psychic looking get your chakra stroked then you’ll want to read THIS

2. Celebrity Nipples: Hey, I know my blog and books are popular, but it might be a stretch to call me a celebrity. And generally I try to avoid gratuitous nudity on my blog, but after one particularly flattering picture I just couldn’t resist. Yes, if you google images the phrase The Phil Factor Sexiest Man Alive, that picture will come up, but that’s not why Celebrity Nipples bring people here. It was THIS

1. Amish Wagon Sex Position: Yes, in addition to the psychics and the Hindi speaking folks, I get a lot of people curious about Amish sex coming here because of this one post: The Top Ten Amish Sex Positions

It’s funny, when you look back, it seems like all my most popular, searched posts are about sex. Is that a reflection on me, or on the sick weirdos trolling the internet? Either way, it looks like I should make more sex jokes in 2022.

Have a great weekend! ~Phil

If You Live Somewhere, I’m Looking For You!

This post isn’t as creepy as the title might suggest. When you’re planning a vacation and choosing cities and areas to visit, all travel ads make everywhere look amazing, right? Have you ever wished you knew someone who lived where you plan to go so you can get an inside scoop about the best places to go, stay, and eat?

As I said in the title, if you live somewhere, I want your help. If you may remember, in May of this year I started a travel blog called Philliver’s Travels. I travel more than most but not as much as some, so my problem in writing a travel blog is that I haven’t been everywhere yet. That’s where you come in, if you want to. And hopefully it results in me writing better posts and you gaining a few more followers for your blog.

About a week ago I started a series I call 50/50. My goal is to write a post about all 50 of the states in the United States in 50 days. (Don’t check out yet if you’re from another country because after I finish the States I’d like to get some expert advice on traveling to so many countries that I haven’t been to yet.) I’m looking for volunteers from any state in the United States to just answer a few questions by email to help give my readers some of that insider advice we all want. OR, if you want to write an entire post about your home state, you’re welcome to take over Philliver’s Travels for a day!

What’s in it for you? In the post that you contribute to, or completely write, I or you can plug your blog with a link and summary about it, so hopefully we all get more followers and online friends, and better information for when we travel. Also, if you could follow Philliver’s Travels that would be great because the 8 views a day are really bumming me out.

Have a great Sunday, and safe travels! ~Phil

Sexiest Man Alive: Paul Rudd?!!? Puh-leeze!

What does Paul Rudd have that I don’t have? I mean BESIDES a successful movie career? See the two pictures below this paragraph? If you Google The Phil Factor Sexiest Man Alive those pictures are two of the first four pictures that come up. Go ahead, I’ll wait…or you could just click this Google to see the search results. Paul Rudd doesn’t even show up until the second row!

Just because he’s famous doesn’t mean that he’s sexier than me. Think about this; part of being an actor is the fact that sometimes you’re completely unemployed. In fact, at this very moment Paul Rudd may be unemployed and completely without health insurance! If a not at all suspicious accident were to injure his cute little face, he couldn’t possibly cover the cost of plastic surgery, again. Me? I’d have a new nose and chin installed immediately with only a $25 copay.

Ladies, think about this: Paul is on the wrong side of 50, he doesn’t have a steady job and he probably doesn’t have health insurance. If you saw that profile on a dating sight you’d swipe left hard. Me? Fully employed and insured!

Apparently he needs a lot of make up to look that good

Me? I don’t wear a stitch of makeup. The fact that I think makeup comes in stitches shows how little I know about makeup. If you’re a woman, is a guy wearing makeup sexy to you? Imagine him kissing you and his makeup rubbing off all over your face. How sexy is that?

I checked his bio online and it says he studied “film” in college. Big effin’ deal. Google says Paul Rudd has been in at least 65 films. I guarantee that I’ve studied more than 65 films, usually at night while drinking beer and eating chips, which are both two things that I’ve seen Paul do in “films”. So why does he get paid for it? I can eat chips and drink beer much better than he can.

Apparently he’s into aerobics

People Magazine I implore you, please do the world a favor and choose your annual Sexiest Man Alive by normal human being standards. Research on Twitter shows that woman love the dad bod and a guy with a stable job. Paul Rudd has neither of those things and his recent foray as Ant Man has him in a skin tight unitard and shrinking rapidly, which women have told me is not at all attractive.

This year is done, but the race to be next years Sexiest Man Alive begins now and I intend to win it. Please help me out by liking, commenting and sharing on social media! Have a great Sunday! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! The Riveting Plot of Every Hallmark Movie

Yes, it’s that time of year. “Christmas?” you say. No, Christmas is just a secondary annoyance. To all the people born with at least one romantic bone in their body and a high tolerance for mediocre acting, it’s the most wonderful time of the year, otherwise known as Hallmark Christmas movie time! Or as Lacey Chabert, Dean Cain and Candace Cameron Bure call it, “The only time we make any money.”

Being married to one of these Hallmark movie loving people, I’ve inadvertently seen several Hallmark Christmas movies and I couldn’t help but notice that each unique Hallmark Christmas movie has the exact same plot as every other Hallmark movie. To save you from having to watch the actual movies, here’s how it goes:

Guy or gal who left home several years ago is very successful at some high falutin’ job in a big city somewhere, then they come back to their Smalltown, USA hometown for Thanksgiving or a funeral. Oh no! Their family’s business is failing! Or maybe beloved Uncle Walt passed away and they’re going to lose the farm! What? The only way they can save the farm, family business or special hometown festival is if one impossibly attractive person stays longer than they planned. Maybe until Christmas! I can’t believe it. What are the chances of that?!!?

Successful and attractive returning guy or gal runs into the sister or brother of a friend they knew in high school. He or she “was just a kid back then” but now they’re “all grown up” and they’ve really blossomed into a hunk or a hottie. At first they may not like each other but everyone else can see the obvious chemistry. Despite the fact that they annoy each other, they have to work together to save the business, ranch, town  or whatever. There’s always something that needs saving.

Of course it will all inevitably lead to a playful snowball fight between the two in the town square where they will tumble into a pile of egregiously fake snow and look longingly into each others eyes.

Guess what everyone, that’s the plot of every episode of The Gilmore Girls too. You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you the trouble of watching every single Hallmark movie this year. But you know what? I know you’re going to watch them. It’s as inevitable as that moment when the returning hometown hero says “this is where I’ve wanted to be all along” as they finally kiss their new love and gaze at the Christmas tree.  Cue Christmas music and fade out to credits.

Ugh. Those movies are so fake sugary, saccharin sweet that they should have a disclaimer warning diabetics not to watch them. Really, I’m not a Grinch. I love the holidays and I mock them because I love them. Just like you. Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

Music Monday! One of the Proudest Moments of My Life

One of the proudest moments of my life‘ is not the name of this song.  It’s how I feel about this song and music video. Why? Because it is a collaboration by two of my sons and their friends. One son, who is a member of the two man band April on Paper, sings and plays guitar in this video. My other son, whose online persona is OneShotTaylor, wrote directed and produced this video. It’s the first music video for both of them and hopefully it won’t be the last.

So far it’s got more than 600 views on Youtube. If you like their music you can find them on all streaming services and Apple Music. You can also find them on Instagram where they tell me that they’re more active than FB.

Happy Monday! ~Phil

Daylight Stupid Time

This is my bi-annual reminder that tonight in the United States we move our clocks back by an hour and my reminder to you that it’s stupid. I’ve been posting this every Fall and Spring since 2006 and will continue to do so until we do away with Daylight Savings Time.

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When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law getting rid of Daylight Savings Time. I don’t know if all other countries do this. I do know that not all the U.S. states abide by it. Daylight Savings Time was created about 120 years ago to give farmers more daylight in which to do their work in the fields. Call me crazy, but why the hell didn’t someone just suggest that the lazy ass farmers drag themselves out of a bed a little earlier each day? Because those cud chewing, overall wearing, udder jerking lay-abouts can’t be bothered to set their alarm clocks we’re all stuck changing time?

I don’t know if anyone else noticed, but about ten years ago the U.S. Congress, in another colossal waste of their time and our tax dollars, extended daylight savings time by a few weeks on either end.

First off, why isn’t it called daylight spending time since we are using more daylight in the summer months? Secondly, at this point the farmers (except the creepy Amish ones) all have electricity and alarm clocks, which may not have been the case 120 years ago. I can get away with saying that about the Amish because my demographic data shows that for some reason I have very low readership among the Amish. I guess they just don’t get me.

Reportedly the reason Congress did this is to save energy. How will changing our clocks twice a year save energy? Don’t we set our thermostats and use heat based on the outdoor temperature, not how light out it is? I’d like to save the energy I expend changing my clocks! I’d like Congress to tell me when I get that back. Congress has again proven to be the biggest collection of morons outside of…well…I guess I can’t think of a bigger collection. Why doesn’t Congress set their alarm clocks an hour earlier so they can get up early and get more of this important work done?

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B.T. dubs, if we set our clocks back an hour now but we turn them ahead in the Spring over the course of a year what difference does it make? If we learned anythying from Marty McFly it was that we shouldn’t muck about with time. Also, according to statistics,  the day after we change our clocks there are more workplace injuries, car accidents, and for the day, a 10% rise in heart attacks.

I for one am not going to go for this stupid daylight savings time thing anymore. I don’t work at a farm or for Congress, so I told my boss that for 6 months I’ll be to work an hour early or late, however it works out. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, this is going to change

If you’d like to support my bid for President or Sexiest Man Alive, please hit the Facebook, Twitter share button below, but hurry because you have an hour less to do it in this weekend. Or is it an hour more? Have a great weekend! ~Phil

#PHIL2024

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Rock You Like A Hurricane?

Well it’s hurricane season in the Northern hemisphere. Hurricane ‘Henri’ ran up the East coast this past week and I hope that everyone in it’s path escaped without any mortal injuries. Then again, how threatening can anything or anyone named Henri be? That may be the least menacing name ever. The fact that there are so many Henri’s in France is why they’ve lost every war they’ve ever participated in.

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Fortunately I don’t live in an area that ever gets any hurricanes although I felt some of the wind and rain from Henri. In the U.S., our weather people traditionally name hurricanes with people names, such as Hurricane Phil, or Hurricane Betsy. Then the news people are astounded that people refuse to leave their homes when a hurricane is coming. Who is going to be afraid of Hurricane Henri, or Tropical Storm Cecilia? Remember innocuously named Hurricane Katrina? Yeah, how’d that work out for everyone? And for cripes sake, why did we have a hurricane named Henri? Henri sounds more like a refreshing light rain on a pleasant spring day.

Have you ever noticed that when people are interviewed as a big storm is bearing down on their area the homeowners always use the phrase “hunker down”? The interview always goes like this:

Reporter: I’m standing here with Joe and Jane Homeowner who plan on staying right where they are as the biggest storm of the century bears down on us. Joe and Jane, why are you staying put?

Homeowners: Well this little storm ‘taint nuthin. We’ll just hunker down until it passes. Now the storm of ’68, that was a storm!

I’m not sure I’ve ever hunkered down for anything. I think hunkering down best describes the pose my dog takes when she’s going number 2.  If you want people to flee to somewhere safe you have to give  a storm a name that sounds as scary as it is. Why not give it an intimidating name? How about something like Mega Hurricane Deathtron? That might get people out of their homes. Or maybe something simple like The Hurricane of Death? If the Hurricane of Death was headed for my house you can bet I’d get the hell out of the way. Then again, if they named hurricanes like that you wouldn’t have people selling post hurricane t-shirts that said things like “I Was Blown By Irene 2011.” When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I will convene a special committee of writers to work on scary, new hurricane names every year.

Have a great and hurricane free day! ~Hurricane Phil