Love, exciting and new. Come aboard. We’re expecting you! If you can sing the rest of the lyrics, you are my people. Despite the fact that even before Covid, cruises were already floating petri dishes of disease, people still love cruises and the cruise culture unlike anything else.
Yes, it’s nice to know that I effected some change, but this didn’t work out the way I planned. What am I talking about? I’m talking about how two years ago on this exact day I wrote THIS POST advocating for The Love Boat show to be revived, and god damn it was a hilarious post. Now two years later, which is about how long it takes to launch a new show, we have the new Love Boat.
I was hoping for corny plots and B-list celebs trying to hook up, but what I got is a reality dating show. Essentially it’s the same thing; people who can’t act trying to hook up on the Lido deck.
Mandatory Credit: Photo by MediaPunch/Shutterstock (12622686aj)
Jerry, I loved you in Stand By Me, but what the hell happened to your eyebrows? Are those real? You know, in a year or two when you stop dyeing them, they’re going to be full on mad scientist eyebrows. Am I the only one that thinks of him as Scary Jerry now? OK, OK, I guess it’s just sour grapes on my part because they didn’t choose me to host the new Love Boat show. Not even a writer credit or anything. I hope it tanks.
Are any of you reading this watching the show? Let me know in the comments if it’s any good?
Have a great Monday and a Happy Valentine’s Day! ~ Phil
Because the National Football League has yet to issue a cease and desist order to me and because it’s funny, I’m re-posting this classic that I wrote a few years ago. I also like it because it features a picture of me holding the Super Bowl trophy. Enjoy and Happy Sunday!
This is when I was awarded the Super Bowl trophy for Best Blog
I’m not saying that The Phil Factor is The Official Blog of SuperBowl 57, and I’m not saying it’s not. What I am saying is that I want to get a cease and desist letter from the National Football League’s lawyers.
For those of you not from the States, or from the U.S. but you just don’t care, this weekend is the championship game of the National Football League, otherwise known as #SuperBowl 57. I’m hashtagging those words, linking to their site, and making a point of using the phrase ‘Super Bowl57′ because the NFL (No Phil League) literally tries to sue anyone who uses the phrase “Super Bowl” without paying them millions of dollars to do so. (I’m putting the words Super Bowl in bold print on the off chance that they’ll be more noticeable when someone from the NFL is looking at the internet. That’s my version of SEO).
Some networks even prohibit their announcers from saying Super Bowl out of fear of being sued by the NFL. Comedian Steven Colbert has taken to calling it the Superb Owl.
I call bullshit. I don’t care who you are or what entity you’ve created, no one gets to own words. When I’m elected President, or #SuperBowl MVP (Most Valuable Phil), whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law stating “No people or corporations can own words.” It’s a stupid idea that someone can own the right to the words #SuperBowl. I’m pretty sure that the words super and bowl were around long before American football. In fact, once on Downton Abbey Mr. Carson was bringing soup to the Earl and Countess in this big, ornate dish and the Earl said, “Why Mr. Carson! That is the most super bowl I have ever laid my eyes upon!” Downton Abbey happened a hundred years ago, so there’s your proof that someone else used the phrase first.
What if I really do own a super bowl? You know, one of those cool ones with a picture at the bottom that you can’t see until you’ve eaten every drop. That is truly a super bowl. Or what about the people who invented the Perfect Bacon Bowl? That has got to be the superest of bowls. If there were a vote I’m pretty sure that the Bacon Bowl beats out football as the best kind of bowl. I’m also pretty sure that the Bacon Bowl people aren’t going to sue me for mentioning their product. In fact, they might even send me a free Bacon Bowl maker for mentioning it (hint, hint). Click on the video below. The song is a hilariously awesome and may sound more than a little like Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody.
I’m also sure that the folks in the legal marijuana states think their bowls are pretty Super too. Is the NFL going to sue anyone there who says to their smoking buddy “Man, this is one super bowl“?
Picture from The Sporting News
I’m not afraid to say any word I want. And by the way National Football League, what in the hell makes you so arrogant to think that you have to police the world to make sure no one uses your phrase? I would like to hereby announce that I am legally forbidding anyone from referring to themselves as the official anything of #ThePhilFactor unless I declare it. There you go National Football League. I dare you to declare your #SuperBowl is The Official Super Bowl of The Phil Factor. You know what though? I’m not going to sue you if you do. They’re only words. If you think my blog is so awesome that you want to affiliate yourself with it, great, but it’s going to cost you. In fact, nevermind. The title is already taken. I’m officially declaring that the Perfect Bacon Bowl is The Official Super Bowl of The Phil Factor. And if the Perfect Bacon Bowl people wanted to buy advertising space in my sidebar I’m not opposed to that.
As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor, which is the #SuperBowl of blogs, please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Have a great #SuperBowl weekend! ~Phil
It’s “Super Bowl weekend” here in the States and most people will watch the big game. It occurred to me that while this Bowl is undeniably super, is it the best bowl? There are so many bowls in this world, but which is the best? Here’s my choices:
Apparently now people are doing this on purpose?!!? When I was a little kid and didn’t have any choice in what my parents did to me, we dreaded the “bowl cut.” It was never a good look, even on a four year old.
The Hollywood Bowl, Los Angeles
9. The Hollywood Bowl: Since 1922 The Hollywood Bowl has been one of the largest outdoor music venues in the country. The “bowl” refers to the shape of the concave hillside the amphitheater is carved into. Bands that have played there: The Beatles and everyone else you’d care to know about. Seating capacity: Around 26,000. When I take The Phil Factor on tour, my first live event will be at The Hollywood Bowl.
Otherwise known as “Heart attack in a bowl.” Truth be told, this is really what killed Betty White. Turns out that it wasn’t the love triangle, murder-suicide with Bob Saget and Meat Loaf that we all suspected. What? Too soon?
7. The Bedrock Bowl
You have to be over 50 to ride this ride. The Flintstones was The Simpsons before The Simpsons. It was the first prime time cartoon. I never saw it live of course, but I saw the re-runs plenty when I was a bowl cut wearing little kid.
6. The Margarita Bowl:
There have been many “bowl” incarnations of margaritas. This one is called the Crackin’ Kitchen Diamond Head Margarita Bowl. This one comes from the Crackin’ Kitchen in Honolulu, Hawaii.
5. The Fish Bowl
The good, regular, old-fashioned fish bowl that we all wanted in our room when we were kids. If you don’t want to watch the Super Bowl this Sunday, you can also watch “The Fish Bowl”, which will be broadcast by the National Geographic channel. According to The Washington Post “it will feature an unknown goldfish named Goldie swimming around a bowl for four hours. A promotional video for the show promises that it will “blow the competition out of the water.”
Look, I already watch a lot of football games. This is just another one and it rarely lives up to the hype.
3. Corelle Soup/Cereal Bowls:
According to Amazon, this is their best selling set of bowls. If Amazon doesn’t represent the consensus on best bowls, I don’t know what does. With 11,299 five star reviews, these must be some pretty damn good bowls!
2. The Big Lebowlski:
Ok, The Big Lebowski isn’t exactly a bowl, but why didn’t they name it The Big Lebowlski? One extra letter and it would have all made sense. If you’ve never seen it, it’s a funny movie with a lot of scenes in a bowling alley.
1. The Bacon Bowl (as seen on The Phil Factor)
Yes, this is a real thing and you can buy it on Amazon. You can make the bowl for your food OUT OF B-A-C-O-N !!! This is not fake. You can buy the bacon bowl building device right on this Amazon link. Sadly, I’m not getting any endorsement fees no matter how many of you buy the Perfect Bacon Bowl.
Those are my Top Ten Best Bowls. What are yours? Do you have any other bowls you’d like to add to the list? Please do so in the comments!
This weekend is it. The penultimate American holiday. The Super Bowl. There are no religious affiliations. Football is our religion, so much so that we keep trying to spread it to the rest of the world that seems hooked on playing that funny little round ball kicking game. There seems to be a debate afoot. So let’s have an objective examination of the evidence in support of both.
American Football Players are the best athletes in the world. The bigger you are, the better. In America we like everything bigger all the time. According to possibly true facts I made up, compared to the rest of the world’s football players, our football athletes have a higher mortality rate, (see, they’re best at that too!) and a lower average age of death, but when they are on the field entertaining us it is glorious.
See that gut on the guy in the picture above? In a Third World country a gut like that implies wealth. Sure, in the States it implies diabetes, but man can he push some other guys around. If he fell on Karim Benzema he would kill him!
American Football Players Hide Their Faces in helmets so that we don’t have to see any unattractive people on our televisions and if the attractive ones are grimacing, we don’t have to look at it. That must be why they wear the helmets, because apparently they’re completely ineffective at protecting the players brains.
In America we like to score a lot of points: All of you people from countries in the rest of the world, imagine if your football games ended with a 14-12 score! How great would that be, right? Get rid of the goalie! He’s ruining everything!
The Rest Of The World Named Their Game Wrong: Here is the ultimate irony: In American football only one player on each team gets to touch the ball with his foot. In the rest of the worlds football only one player on each team gets to touch the ball with his hands. That obviously means that the rest of the world should change the name of their game to Handball.
So, as you can see, although the United States has less people than the rest of the world, we are still right. And Canada is on our side too. They have football just like ours. Ok, well, not just like ours, but kind of close and with poutine. The bottom line is, if Canada thinks we’re right, I don’t wanna be wrong.
Have a great Super Bowl weekend everybody, unless you’re watching the wrong football. ~Phil
Copyright 2023 ThePhilFactor.com All rights reserved
Apparently this was a popular look in 1980’s Germany
Some of you might remember the 1983 Nena hit song 99 Red Balloons/99 Luft Ballons. Apparently the Chinese like their luft ballons enough that they sent a couple of them to the U.S. and Latin America this week. Seriously, is there anyone else on the entire world wide web that in response to Chinese spying, would bring you the armpit hair of a 1980’s German pop star? Search engines won’t know what to make of this, so thank you to the 25 people who have read this entire paragraph.
I love the German version better (except for the armpit hair)
So the Chinese are spying on us with balloons? Maybe in another decade they’ll figure out how to use airplanes and then by 2050 maybe a satellite in orbit. C’mon China, if North Korea can fire a few missiles into the ocean, certainly you can figure out something more complex than balloons, right? Here’s my theory: they sent the balloons to throw us off the track where we believe that they’re using Tik Tok to spy on us.
Or maybe it’s balloon boy from 2009. Remember that?
If you don’t recall this or you’re from another country, in 2009 his parents sent this giant spaceship type balloon into the sky above Colorado and told authorities that their 6 year old son, Falcon, was in the runaway balloon. After 90 minutes of fighter jets pursuit, the balloon landed. When Falcon was not found to be inside, some moron claimed they had seen something fall from the balloon, and a ground search ensued. Later the boy was found in a closet at home and admitted that his idiot parents told him to hide so they could do the balloon bit for publicity. They both served some jail time and had to pay some big fines. If I’m balloon boy Falcon, I’m opening a hot air balloon ride company somewhere.
Chinese leader Xi Jinping waving good bye to the balloons
Hmm…Kim Jong Un was referred to as Rocket Man for his penchant for shooting missiles into the ocean. Apparently Xi Jinping, leader of China should be 2023’s Balloon Boy/ 气球男孩
I have one more theory…
Is it possible that Xi Jinping wanted to be perceived like “the great and powerful Oz”? What leader wouldn’t want that? Oz had a balloon and he had swag!
Hey Xi Jinping, this is all in good fun. Love the balloons, and if I end up suspiciously dead, everyone that reads this blog will point the finger at you!
Have a great Saturday everybody! You got my back, right? ~Phil
The two best Phil’s ever! Punxusutawney and Me, just a few months ago.
In case you didn’t know, it’s Groundhog Day! Then again it’s felt like Groundhog Day for the last three years, hasn’t it?
Who doesn’t love this old movie? Especially since Bill Murray’s character was named Phil. And, the groundhog is also named Phil. Coincidence? I think not. This post was originally written for #ThePhilFactor on Feb. 2, 2006 and I now post it every year, over and over, just like Phil’s Groundhog Day in the movie.
The dimwitted people of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania have been shoving a rodent through a hole in a tree stump for almost 200 hundred years to find out if there will be 6 more weeks of winter. Hey morons, you live in the Northeast! There’s always 6 more weeks of winter! Check the calendar! It says that Spring starts on March 21st. That’s 7 weeks from now. You don’t need a rat being spooked by his shadow to figure this one out.
I’m always a sucker for a good Phil pun
At this point I’m getting tired of all these wanna-be Phil’s trying to horn in on my fame. If, coincidentally, a shot were to ring out in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania today and a certain rodent were to explode in a puff of fur, I was kidding when I wrote this. No harm meant, just a joke. You’ll all be my alibi right?
I’m curious, for those of you from other countries, do you have a Groundhog Day? As always, if you enjoyed this vintage Phil Factor feel free to share it via the social media buttons below. Come back Saturday for a brand new Phil Factor. Have a great Friday! ~Phil
When I hear the word Grammy, I don’t think of popular music, I think of my kids Grammy. Where would we be without Grammys? Who would watch the kids when we go out? Who picks them up from school when we can’t get out of that work meeting? And who buys our kids those presents that we would never get for them?
Picture from Adobe Stock images
Without further adieu, here are The Phil Factor Grammy nominees!
Grandmother Peggy Collinsworth of Arcadia, California saved her four year old grandson Matthew from a coughing fit when she swiftly pulled a hard butterscotch candy out of her bra and gave it to Matthew, soothing his sore throat.
Grammy Dot Cullen of St. Paul, Minnesota is nominated for buying her grandson Ralphie an official Red Ryder carbine action, 200-shot, range model air rifle for Christmas when his mom said no because “you’ll shoot your eye out!”
Grammy Judy Winkleman of Secaucus, New Jersey is nominated for babysitting her twin granddaughters Rachel and Amy and letting them stay up way past their bedtime so they could watch the rest of the Wednesday series on Netflix, and master the Wednesday dance to impress their friends in school. Rachel and Amy didn’t get bed until their parents were just pulling into the driveway!
Great Grammy Miss Faye of Oakland, California is nominated for attacking a thief who grabbed her neighbors purse. She beat him with her cane until he dropped the purse and ran away. This one is a true story. I love stories like this one.
Our last nominee is Grammy Nancy King of Scottsdale, Arizona who, after recently learning to use Facebook on her phone, liked and commented on every post from the last four years on each of her grandchildren’s pages.
Have a great Sunday and appreciate your Grammy! ~Phil
10. “I let the dogs out. Growing up in The Bahamas I was neighbors with the Baja Men. I saw their dogs in a fenced-in backyard. They were so cute. I wanted to pet them, so I let them out.”
Picture credit: Long Island Press
9. “I was the original Harry Potter. I played Harry in the first two movies, but then they said I was too tall for the part and they brought in that Radcliffe hack.”
Santos claims he gave this cake to his buddy “Zuck” as he allegedly called him
8. “In college at Harvard I invented social media by creating the website MyFace. My two buddies Mark Zuckerberg and some dude named Tom ripped me off and made their own sites.” When asked to comment by The Phil Factor, Mark Zuckerberg said, “Who?” It’s not clear if he was referring to George Santos or The Phil Factor.
7. “I helped catch Bin Laden. Spring Break 2011, me & my buddies were hiking in Afghanistan. B.T. dubs, those Afghan chicks are hot. They look so mysterious behind their burqas. Anywho, in the mountains I came across a Taco Bell wrapper. Then another and another leading to a cave where this bearded guy in a turban was finishing a 32 oz Baha Blast Mountain Dew by the fire. We kept our heads down and kept going. I called that in as soon as we got back to the hotel.”
Sorry Pete. I didn’t drag you into this. It was all George.
6. “I’m dating Pete Davidson and I don’t care who knows it. He makes me feel like a man.”
5. “When Kanye ran up on stage and took the mic from Taylor Swift, I put him up to it. I was going to do it myself, but you know how Ye is.”
FILE PHOTO: Reuters
4. “The Jan.6 ransacking wasn’t Trump’s fault, it was mine. Honestly, Trump’s speech was a snoozer, so I told the crowd that the House of Representatives were going to party after the vote count and we should just crash it as a way of welcoming Biden. And by the way, I was the first one wearing that big buffalo hat. Then these jerks took it away and started trying it on. Jerks!” (tries to stifle tears)
3. “My blog has existed longer than Phil’s. He thinks 18 years is impressive, but I invented blogs in 2004.”
2. “I’m not dating Exotic Joe from Netflix’s Tiger King series ever again.“
If you sign up for a free trial with Audible, you can get this book free. Also you can listen to my book Time To Lie on Audible. It’s much better than Spare.
1. “Meghan Markle dated me before she found Harry. That’s what his book Spare is about. He realized that she is still pining for me. Honestly, they both are.”
Sometimes the truth is stranger than fiction. This may have been a parody. Have a great Friday! ~Phil
I’ve always gone to a gym or done some kind of exercise to keep in shape for nighttime crime-fighting on the rooftops of the city. I went to the gym the other day and encountered my worst nightmare. Last month, bored with my usual gym routine, I decided to try a CrossFit class. First I had to find the CrossFit class. It wasn’t in a gym. It was in the back of an old, dingy warehouse that looks like the kind of place terrorists plan things. It was filled with black and gray fitness equipment. There was loud heavy metal music and lots of grunting and sweating going on. (insert sex life joke here) The atmosphere said, “This is serious working out. You’re either going to die or be able to lift a Buick when you’re done.”
I got the first month of Cross Fit for only $35 through Groupon. When the first month was done I told the owner I’d sign up for two more months. He said, “That’s great Phil. Please hand over all the money in your 401K.” Thinking that this was too pricey I decided to shop for other options to vary my workout routine.
For the last five years I’ve gone to a basic, no frills gym because it’s near my house. This week I looked at other gyms and settled on a new gym. The gym where all the pretty people go. I walked in and there was a chorus of angels and a bright light shone down on me from above. It was the neon sign above the juice bar. I felt like I had walked into a shopping mall. Bright colors, shiny new equipment. Shiny new people. Shiny, happy people.
The gym had all the other stuff I usually do, plus some classes that seemed like they might approximate CrossFit. That’s where it got interesting and the nightmare scenario played out.
The first class I tried was called Bootcamp something. It was suitably challenging and by challenging I mean that I thought I might die by the end. Avoidance of dying is why I work out. I’m trying to make my heart strong enough that it will never stop beating. Yeah, I know that’s ridiculous, but have you got a better idea?
Apparently the key to being fit is incredibly loud music. At CrossFit there was heavy metal music. Here, at the pretty people gym, there was dance music blaring. I think after dark it turns into a night club. So the Bootcamp class was good. Then next I tried a “Body Works plus Abs” class. That’s when the nightmare started.
It was some kind of aerobics class. The psychotic instructor, Buffy, wore a wireless mic and every two minutes, between shouting peppy instructions at us, she would give a “Whoop! Whoop!” At first I thought she had Tourette’s, but then each time she did it one or two people in the class would whoop back to her.
Picture credit: dailymail.co.uk
The nightmare was my attempt to get in rhythm with 15 other people who seemed to be doing the moves in time to the music. I’m not good with rhythm. It’s not my thing. Each time Buffy would start a new move I’d watch her, concentrating, trying to pick up steps of the move and the beat of the song and then jump into motion. I was terrible at it. Terrible to the point that the class held me down on the floor and put a stick in my mouth so I didn’t bite off my tongue during what they thought was a seizure. It wasn’t. I was just that bad. I’m lucky they didn’t send me to a psych ward for being a danger to myself or others. I was the equivalent of someone who doesn’t know how to swim being thrown into the ocean. I just flailed about and waited for the end.
Have you ever thought to yourself, “I am so sick of hearing that phrase!”? Sometimes it’s an acronym at work. Other times it’s a pop culture phenomenon. Often it’s a word or phrase that someone from another generation seems to say that makes no sense to you.
Lake Superior State University, is located in Michigan’s upper peninsula, which should really be part of Wisconsin or Canada. Each year they publish a list of the top ten words that people would like to see banished.
That is exactly the kind of hard hitting research you’ll find at a “state school.” I should know, because I went to one. Harvard is busy curing cancer, but Lake Superior State University is spending public money making lists of silly phrases. They are definitely my kind of people.
I’ll give you their list with my comments and I’d love to hear your thoughts and suggestions in the comments.
1. GOAT: It’s an acronym for Greatest Of All Time. I get it. It makes sense, but this is the dumbest sound word for something good that I’ve ever heard. It’s also the most overused word in the English language. My question is, is there a goat GOAT? For fun, if you want to see some famous goats from movies and television click this LINK.
2. Inflection Point: It’s a fancy way to say ‘turning point’ if you want to sound pretentious and insufferable. Apparently we have reached the inflection point where people have tired of the phrase inflection point.
3. Quiet Quitting: Is there a noisy quitting? Quiet quitting is another way to say that you stopped showing up at a job you hate. It should be called “Lazy Quitting” (patent pending). If we attach a negative word like lazy to it, maybe less people will quiet quit. Nobody wants to be called lazy. In 2023 if I hear someone use the phrase “quiet quitting” I will correct them by saying “Don’t you mean ‘lazy quitting ?” Seriously, how hard is it to email your boss to say you quit?
4. Gaslighting: I actually like the word. It’s an olde timey way of saying you’re getting someone riled up. I do hate how it’s overused and attached to anything someone hears that they don’t like. I also have a funny story about actual gaslighting from my college years at a state school.
5. Moving forward… Ugh, moving forward I could do with hearing less managers use the phrase “moving forward.” Isn’t moving forward scootching your chair closer so you can hear someone better? Now it’s the world’s catch phrase for “in the future…”. What? Is the word future no good anymore?
6. Amazing- Ok Lake Inferior State University, how can you rule out the word “amazing”? Do any of you reading this think that ‘amazing’ is used too much? Look, over the last three years the world has kind of sucked a lot. We could use more amazing in our lives, couldn’t we? Our baseline for life has been lowered so much that any tiny metaphorical ray of sunshine should be considered amazing and we should all grab that tiny straw of hope. You know, if everyone who reads this comments below that The Phil Factor is amazing, I wouldn’t complain at all.
7. Does that make sense? This doesn’t seem like a new phrase, but it’s now used by middle managers everywhere so they can try to seem invested in their employees thoughts and opinions. It’s really a trick. No one wants to say no to the question “does this make sense?” If you’re the only one that says no, you’re immediately the dummy in your Zoom meeting. So, managers the world over get away with time wasting activity because no one will say no.
8. Irregardless: Kudos Pond Scum State College! This isn’t a real word and it means the same thing as “regardless.” I think it’s a millenial word. Aren’t the millenials the root of everything that’s wrong in the world right now?
It’s like someone made a meme about what I’m doing right now.
9. Absolutely: I’ll use it in a sentence: “I think that this state college is absolutely lazy when they throw in these normal words as overused.”
10. It is what it is: Lake Superior State College is what it is. A state college that’s reusing words from their 2008 list. No, I don’t have their lists memorized; they copped to reusing this one. I agree that it’s a dumb phrase expressing nothing but the limited vocabulary of the speaker.
Suggestions from me for next years list:
Millenial: I so hate this word. It’s a lame way to encapsulate an entire generation of people and it’s used in a demeaning way. Regardless of it’s meaning, it’s used as a catch-all for everything wrong with society.
Boomer: Also a dumb way to stereotype. Both millenial and boomer are ways to express an age bias. Like any other stereotyping words, it’s not creative or accurately descriptive.
I’m going to send these two suggestions to Lake Superior State, and if you’d like to take a shot at contributing to their list you can go to: lssu.edu/banishedwords.
If you do send one in, let me know in the comments so I can highlight you in this post next year.
Self-proclaimed grand poobah of leisure and author of humorous suspense novels The Sneaker Tree & White Picket Prisons, the humor essay book Fifty Shades of Phil and the long running blog The Phil Factor.
thephilfactor.com
