Category Archives: Uncategorized

Happy Thanksgiving from The Phil Factor

Photo courtesy of Charles Schultz

In the United States it’s traditional to get together with family on Thanksgiving and share the important things you’re thankful for before gorging yourself on a meal centered on the large, dead carcass of the ugliest bird in North America. Every year everyone shares the usual platitudes about being thankful for family, friends and good heath. Duh! Who can’t come up with that? When I decided to write this I set out to write a positive, uplifting post so that my loyal readers don’t think that my every thought and written or spoken word are tinged with biting sarcasm. So without further adieu, here are some of the everyday things I am thankful for:

1. Girl Scout Cookies: Holy crap! Paradise in cookie form! Thin Mints, Do-Si-Dos, Tagalongs, Samoas, Dulce de Leche and many more. Most of the names are completely meaningless in relation to what the actual cookie is, but who the hell cares? I think the mysteriously weird names add to our desire for them. Great cookies, but the Girl Scouts organization is one of the dumbest businesses in existence. They have a product that is universally loved and they only sell it one month a year? Morons! All of them. Their stupid little badges certainly aren’t in business administration. If they sold those cookies year round they’d be a multi-billion dollar operation listed on the New York Stock Exchange. If they sold those cookies year round they could put crack cocaine out of business.

2. The Keurig Coffee Maker: I don’t give a rat’s ass if they price those stupid little “pods” at $5.00 each, it will be well worth it if I can keep getting my morning cup of joe in 30 seconds. My time is valuable and Keurig gave me back about 5 minutes of every morning where I don’t have to stand there staring a a gurgling coffee maker.

3. Screw cap wine bottles: How does it make the wine better if you have to use a separate device that looks like it was designed for medieval torture to open it? And how often have you had the cork break and you have to use all sorts of improvised techniques to get it out and then the wine still has a bunch cork pieces in it that you fish out with your fingers? My wine sources tell me the screw cap is coming back. Simpler is better. Leave the corks for the French snobs to wrestle with. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, all wine bottles will have screw caps.

4. Twitter: As you know, I love my Twitter. If anything big happens anywhere in the world it’s on Twitter instantly. If I need a laugh, give me one minute with my Twitter feed and one of the everyday comedic geniuses on Twitter will give me a smile. Want to know an opposing viewpoint? It’s there on Twitter.

5. Fantasy Football: Yes, it’s a corny little hobby and yes, it’s actually a form of gambling, but outside of my job, this is one of two things that I’ve spent a lot of my free time over the last twenty years. The other thing that the rest of my free time has been spent on? This blog.

All of You: Lastly I’m thankful for all of you, friends, family, co-workers, and strangers from all over the world. You make my day with your likes and comments. I know that over the past year I haven’t blogged much. I’ve had a lot of real life going on in my life, but I appreciate that many of you have popped in here or by email or twitter to say Hi. I plan on getting back to weekly blogging and visiting all of you wonderful friends that I’ve followed for years. Happy American Thanksgiving to you no matter where you’re reading this from. In the comments, if you’re in the bathroom hiding from family, why don’t you add something unusual that you’re thankful for today!

Have a great day! ~Phil

Daylight Stupid Time

This is my bi-annual reminder that tonight in the United States we move our clocks back by an hour and my reminder to you that it’s stupid. I’ve been posting this every Fall and Spring since 2006 and will continue to do so until we do away with Daylight Savings Time.

Daylight-Savings-Time

When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law getting rid of Daylight Savings Time. I don’t know if all other countries do this. I do know that not all the U.S. states abide by it. Daylight Savings Time was created about 120 years ago to give farmers more daylight in which to do their work in the fields. Call me crazy, but why the hell didn’t someone just suggest that the lazy ass farmers drag themselves out of a bed a little earlier each day? Because those cud chewing, overall wearing, udder jerking lay-abouts can’t be bothered to set their alarm clocks we’re all stuck changing time?

I don’t know if anyone else noticed, but about ten years ago the U.S. Congress, in another colossal waste of their time and our tax dollars, extended daylight savings time by a few weeks on either end.

First off, why isn’t it called daylight spending time since we are using more daylight in the summer months? Secondly, at this point the farmers (except the creepy Amish ones) all have electricity and alarm clocks, which may not have been the case 120 years ago. I can get away with saying that about the Amish because my demographic data shows that for some reason I have very low readership among the Amish. I guess they just don’t get me.

Reportedly the reason Congress did this is to save energy. How will changing our clocks twice a year save energy? Don’t we set our thermostats and use heat based on the outdoor temperature, not how light out it is? I’d like to save the energy I expend changing my clocks! I’d like Congress to tell me when I get that back. Congress has again proven to be the biggest collection of morons outside of…well…I guess I can’t think of a bigger collection. Why doesn’t Congress set their alarm clocks an hour earlier so they can get up early and get more of this important work done?

dst-baby

B.T. dubs, if we set our clocks ahead an hour now but we turn them back in the Fall, over the course of a year what difference does it make? If we learned anythying from Marty McFly it was that we shouldn’t muck about with time. Also, according to statistics,  the day after we change our clocks there are more workplace injuries, car accidents, and for the day, a 10% rise in heart attacks.

I for one am not going to go for this stupid daylight savings time thing anymore. I don’t work at a farm or for Congress, so I told my boss that for 6 months I’ll be to work an hour early or late, however it works out. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, this is going to change

If you’d like to support my bid for President or Sexiest Man Alive, please hit the Facebook, Twitter share button below, but hurry because you have an hour less to do it in this weekend. Or is it an hour more? Have a great weekend! ~Phil

#PHIL2020

The Unemployment Diaries: The Final Installment

Hi everyone! I’m still out here and alive. I’ve actually been back to work for a little over three months but wasn’t blogging much due to the stress, time and travel of the new job. This is a video blog I made about four months ago about the idiocy and proliferation of podcasts but never posted it until now. If you love to hate podcasts, then this is right up your alley. Although, if you do have an alley, I’m kind of jealous. Anyway, enjoy! #ThePhilFactor

Do We Really Need All These Podcasts? 

Have a great Thursday and feel free to leave comments! I’d love to hear your thoughts on podcasts. ~Phil

Music Monday! It’s Time For Billie Joe To Wake Up

I’m back with the most appropriate song ever for today, and it’s from my favorite band, whom I will be seeing in Toronto next August with Fall Out Boy, and Weezer. Honestly, I don’t know why Billie Joe Armstron wanted to be woken up “when September ends.”  For me, September is when summer ends and Fall begins. If I wrote the song it would be “Wake Me Up When March Ends.” Hmm…maybe I’ve just thought of a new hit song… Have a great Monday! ~Phil

Coming Soon!

It’s the long awaited sequel to Time To Lie!

Landon has only scratched the surface…

Landon barely survived his freshman year at college, and he’s discovering that he has only scratched the surface of his time traveling powers. He plans to do good with his newfound powers, but a murderous pair of mystery men would kill to stop him.

His hilarious friends are back with him for his sophomore year at college and as he’s making new friends, he’s also learning that no one can be trusted, maybe not even those in his inner circle.

Landon meets a beguiling but mysterious girl who intrigues him with the possibility that she can see inside his soul and into the future. Is she for real, and will she steal him away from his beloved Siobhan?

There’s treachery at every turn and Landon is in a time traveling fight for his life and many others. He knows that he can’t do this alone, but who can he trust?

The truth is just a lie you’ve chosen to believe, and yours may be different than mine.

If you enjoyed the first one, you’re in for plenty of new surprises in this one. If you didn’t read the Time To Lie, why not? It’s available for Kindle, Audible, and in paperback. It’s a fun, fast read. Get caught up on the story and get ready for The Last Locked Door (at the end of the universe). If you’d like to get a free Kindle copy of The Last Locked Door in exchange for a review on Amazon, just say so in the comments and I’ll add you to the exclusive list of early edition reviewers.

~Phil

Happy 14th Blogiversary To Me!

I like to mark important dates in my life, and this is one of my favorites every year. Yes, “blogiversary” is a word. It’s a word because I’m celebrating the birth of The Phil Factor on April 3rd, 2005. And because I’m the only blogger here who has been around for 14 years I’m going to take credit for inventing the word Blogiversary. Truth be told, I think I might be only the third oldest blog in world history behind this wonderfully nice woman from New Zealand and some guy who’s been blogging about video games since they were on floppy discs. Sheesh! He needs to get a life, am I right?

In my fourteen years I’ve met many wonderful friends through blogging. As a group I think bloggers are the nicest people I’ve never met.

To celebrate my 14th blogiversary I’ll give you the fourteen most popular posts in Phil Factor history. Enjoy!

14. 2016 Predictions from a Legit Psychic: People seem to like predictions. I think this did well because I included a Bieber and a Kardashian.

13. Me and Billie Joe ArmstrongOne of my favorites and a favorite by music lovers, and yet still no interview with Green Day.

12. Top Ten Tuesday: Ten Funny Tweets I do love my Twitter.

11. Liar, Liar Pants on Fire: The Interview with Magician James DavidA unique chance meeting led to this post with a unique guy, and he is now The Official Magician of The Phil Factor. 

10. People Are Stupid So Why Should It BeIt’s possible that people are so stupid that they thought this had something to do with REM. It doesn’t but I did have some good ranting about stupid people all around us..

9. About MeApparently some of my readers are curious about me as a person. It’s absolutely riveting reading.

8. The Ten Most Painful Things That Have Ever Happened To Me: I was very surprised at how many people are interested in pain.

7. Ten Idiotic Things Celebrities Have BoughtA fool and their money are soon parted

6. The Top Ten Psychic Pick Up LinesIt turns out that psychics need a lot of help making a love connection

5. The Rolling Stones Are Liars: My Class ReunionThe class reunion. An American institution. Not surprisingly, this was a nostalgic look back. Admittedly, I do nostalgia well. I should probably give up the jokes.

4. Meet The Author: Christopher Moore (yes that Christopher Moore) One of my nicest interview subjects ever and when he shared the interview to his social media it did very well.

3. Three Things… The fact that this did so well is an ode to search engine optimization. It’s just some idiotic jokes about a few popular celebrities.

2. Real Sexting Conversations To Read In HindiIt turns out that the horny Hindi speaking folks want help with sexting and I accidentally stumbled into that.

1. Twitter People vs. Facebook PeopleThis 2013 post was the top trending humor topic on Reddit for over 24 hours and I got over 17,000 views that day. I thought the WordPress stats software was broken.

Those 14 posts are a nice slice of the last five years, when I migrated my Blogger blog to WordPress. Feel free to scroll all the way back to April of 2005 if you want over a decade of my inane thoughts. Thank you for reading, commenting and sharing my idiocy all these years. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

Daylight Stupid Time!

This is my bi-annual reminder that tonight in the United States we move our clocks forward by an hour and my reminder to you that it’s stupid. I’ve been posting this every Fall and Spring since 2006 and will continue to do so until we do away with Daylight Savings Time.

Daylight-Savings-Time

When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law getting rid of Daylight Savings Time. I don’t know if all other countries do this. I do know that not all the U.S. states abide by it. Daylight Savings Time was created about 120 years ago to give farmers more daylight in which to do their work in the fields. Call me crazy, but why the hell didn’t someone just suggest that the lazy ass farmers drag themselves out of a bed a little earlier each day? Because those cud chewing, overall wearing, udder jerking lay-abouts can’t be bothered to set their alarm clocks we’re all stuck changing time?

I don’t know if anyone else noticed, but about ten years ago the U.S. Congress, in another colossal waste of their time and our tax dollars, extended daylight savings time by a few weeks on either end.

First off, why isn’t it called daylight spending time since we are using more daylight in the summer months? Secondly, at this point the farmers (except the creepy Amish ones) all have electricity and alarm clocks, which may not have been the case 120 years ago. I can get away with saying that about the Amish because my demographic data shows that for some reason I have very low readership among the Amish. I guess they just don’t get me.

Reportedly the reason Congress did this is to save energy. How will changing our clocks twice a year save energy? Don’t we set our thermostats and use heat based on the outdoor temperature, not how light out it is? I’d like to save the energy I expend changing my clocks! I’d like Congress to tell me when I get that back. Congress has again proven to be the biggest collection of morons outside of…well…I guess I can’t think of a bigger collection. Why doesn’t Congress set their alarm clocks an hour earlier so they can get up early and get more of this important work done?

dst-baby

B.T. dubs, if we set our clocks ahead an hour now but we turn them back in the Fall, over the course of a year what difference does it make? If we learned anythying from Marty McFly it was that we shouldn’t muck about with time. Also, according to statistics,  the day after we change our clocks there are more workplace injuries, car accidents, and for the day, a 10% rise in heart attacks.

I for one am not going to go for this stupid daylight savings time thing anymore. I don’t work at a farm or for Congress, so I told my boss that for 6 months I’ll be to work an hour early or late, however it works out. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, this is going to change

If you’d like to support my bid for President or Sexiest Man Alive, please hit the Facebook, Twitter share button below, but hurry because you have an hour less to do it in this weekend. Or is it an hour more? Have a great weekend! ~Phil

#PHIL2020

The Queen Is Drunk Right Now!

Yes, kindly little old Queen Elizabeth, or The Big Q as her friends call her at the pub, is crocked off her tiny wrinkled arse right now. You’re probably saying to yourself, “But Phil, how can you know this? Did your amazing psychic powers tell you this?” No, I heard it on the radio. Some DJ filling time between songs drudged up an old Vanity Fair article.

She is the Queen of England, so she can do whatever the feck she wants, but the amounts and times of her drinking are more than a little surprising. The article reported that tiny, 147 year old Queen Elizabeth drinks FOUR alcoholic drinks a day. Four! That’s 28 drinks per week! In my college days I didn’t drink 28 drinks a week! If my doctor thought I had four drinks every day he would send me to rehab!

(Photo by Yui Mok – WPA Pool/Getty Images)

She takes her first drink, gin and Dubonnet, before lunch! Unless it’s a mimosa at a hotel pool or on the beach, I think she’s out of line. But that’s not all folks! During lunch she knocks back a dry gin martini. Then she finishes lunch with a piece of chocolate and a glass of wine. Someone who weighs 68 pounds and has has three drinks by 1 pm is running England. That explains a lot about them over the years. And Prince Philip is obviously not a good designated driver for her.

Speaking of Prince Philip, why the heck does he have a black eye in every picture I’ve ever seen of him? Last year he showed up for Prince Harry’s wedding with a black eye. Reports were that he fell in the bath. But then a few weeks later he got into a car accident, apparently as he was trying to flee the palace. Either he’s getting crocked with Liz too, or I think she’s getting hammered every day and roughing him up. (Philip, if you’re reading this, there’s help out there. Just give me a sign. Tug on your earlobe in your next TV appearance and if I see that I’ll sneak into the palace at night and get you out. Just make sure to hide the Queen’s gun.)

That picture is her version of this:

If I had three drinks by 1 pm, all I’d want to do is take a nap. Then at bedtime, she has a glass of champagne. Now that I can see. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, you’re damn right I’m going to top off my day with champagne. I can picture Big Q in her robe and slippers sitting on the throne, putting her feet up and watching Graham Norton with her nightcap. Still wearing her crown she raises her glass as if toasting to nothing and no one and thinks to herself, “Damn it, I’m the effing Queen of England!” And then she knocks it back sloppily with half of it running out of the corners of her mouth.

Have a great Saturday and enjoy your cocktails!  ~Phil

The Unemployment Diaries Week 3: A Video Blog!

Well, I’m still out of work, but I’m finding ways to fill my time. It’s not really week 3 anymore, but I had some challenges with the Youtube Beta editing software. Here’s an update Enjoy!

Thanks for spending four minutes of your day with me. As always, if you enjoyed this feel free to share by hitting one of the social media buttons below! Have a great Saturday and come back tomorrow for my 6th Annual Snap Judgement Oscar Awards! ~Phil

Throwback Valentine’s Thursday! Top Ten Rejected Candy Heart Sayings

You know those chalky candy hearts that for the better part of a century have been shared on Valentine’s Day? They’re so cute with their little candy inscriptions of “I love you” or “Hugs” or other nonsense. I imagine though that there were some ideas that didn’t make it.

10. It’s not you, it’s me

9. Not a cold sore

8. Maybe Next Time

9d4c2a0dbdd9e271c4d21661b682ff36

7. Better late than never

6. It’s eczema. Yes, there.  I swear.

5. The Phil Factor

download-25

4. My last test was clean

3. You paying for dinner?

2. Almost divorced

images-17

1. It’s not yours!

Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you! One of the things I’m in love with is comments. What are your funny ideas for rejected candy hearts sayings?

Have a great day, Valentine’s or otherwise! ~Phil