Tag Archives: holidays funny

Ten Reasons to Hate The Holidays

Posted on December 8, 2025 | 8 comments

“You’re a mean one Mister Grinch. You really are a heel. You’re as cuddly as a cactus, you’re as charming as an eel, Mister Grinch. You’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel.”

Yup, that’s me, king of sarcasm and hater of all things jolly. I’m not saying that there aren’t things to love about the holidays. There are plenty, but c’mon, if we’re truly being honest, there are a lot of things to hate about the holidays. Here’s my top ten. (Btw, tomorrow I’ll post Ten Reasons to Love The Holidays.)

10. The holidays mess up our Amazon orders! As much as we all love Amazon, there’s nothing more frustrating than the holiday season when our orders don’t always make it to us on time.

9. Candy Canes? Yes, candy canes are one of the worst parts of the holiday season. They are delicious and I love them, but I also hate them. Candy Canes are so ridiculously sticky that after the first refreshing hit of minty-ness, you realize that your lips and fingers are covered in a demonic sticky substance.

Pic from The Jewish News of Northern California

8. Having two major religious holidays during the same month is confusing! They are both great holidays, but why can’t we have them happen at the same time, or better yet, merge them into one holiday? I never know if I should be saying Happy Hannukah or Merry Christmas. Think about it, Christmas celebrates the birthday of a certain Jewish carpenter, so why not just pick a week and call it HanChristNukahMas? Also, if you want to read an awesomely funny novel about Jesus growing up as a teenager, read Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal.  Before you buy that book, you should read my interview with the author Christopher Moore. One of the nicest people I’ve ever met in my years of blogging.

Pic & recipe can be found at Back To The Book Nutrition

7. The Nog Shortage: Much like the Fall Pumpkin Spice influx, the winter holiday season is everything nog this and nog that. It’s hard to find a beverage that doesn’t offer a nog flavored option. But if you like nog, you’re screwed about 8 weeks later. Apparently nog is such a rare and valuable commodity that it can only be offered for a limited time. I’m going to get rich by drilling a nog well in my backyard and then selling my nog at outrageous prices. I will also have a Nog Blog.

That’s a perfect pic and you can find an article about why we shouldn’t buy gifts for adults HERE

6. Buying Gifts for Adults: I came up with this idea on my own and found the above pic and USA Today column when I looked for a pic to match my Scrooge-like idea. Once you’ve been in a relationship for awhile, haven’t you either bought yourself whatever the hell you wanted to, or bought each other anything you each need. My wife and I just skip gifts and promise to buy each other whatever bauble strikes our fancy on the next vacation.

5. Holiday movies set in southern California: I hate them because the people always look so happy to go outside and hang lights on their palm trees. Jerks. They’re just flaunting their warm weather and lack of snow. If you want a holiday movie to make me happy, how about one where a bunch of So-Cal people are stranded by an avalanche in the Santa Monica mountains and they have to eat each other to survive.

4. Jack Black in The Holiday: I have enjoyed Jack Black’s work in many films, but this isn’t one of them. He’s the least convincing romantic character since Silence of The Lambs.

3. Commercials: I’ve never walked out to my driveway to find a car with a bow on it. I’ve seen versions of this commercial since I was a kid, setting me up with unrealistic expectations.  Look, Bill Gates, I know you and your wife donate millions to charitable causes; just once could you skip a few mosquito nets and vaccines and have a Lexus delivered to my driveway?

2. Inconvenience: From now until January 2nd, leaving your house is going to be more inconvenient than usual. Just going out for groceries is now a Herculean task. Everything and everywhere have more people trying to do the same things.

This above scene is happening everywhere all the time right now. What is wrong with people?

1. Santa Claus: And you thought they’re milking the Batman and Spider-Man characters for all their worth? St. Nick hasn’t changed in centuries! Jeez, get that guy a cape and some superpowers. How awesome would that be if he had a nemesis that was out trying to stop him from delivering presents. God has the devil, Batman has the Joker, why can’t Santa have a nemesis?

Please put your holiday pet peeves in the comments. As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor don’t be a Grinch and share it by hitting the Facebook button below. Have a great Saturday and come back tomorrow for Ten Reasons To Love The Holidays! ~Phil

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Posted in Holidays, Humor, pop culture, Uncategorized

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Ten Reasons To Hate The Holidays

Posted on November 30, 2024 | 5 comments

“You’re a mean one Mister Grinch. You really are a heel. You’re as cuddly as a cactus, you’re as charming as an eel, Mister Grinch. You’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel.”

Yup, that’s me, king of sarcasm and hater of all things jolly. I’m not saying that there aren’t things to love about the holidays. There are plenty, but c’mon, if we’re truly being honest, there are a lot of things to hate about the holidays. Here’s my top ten. (Btw, tomorrow I’ll post Ten Reasons to Love The Holidays.)

10. The holidays mess up our Amazon orders! As much as we all love Amazon, there’s nothing more frustrating than the holiday season when our orders don’t always make it to us on time.

9. Candy Canes? Yes, candy canes are one of the worst parts of the holiday season. They are delicious and I love them, but I also hate them. Candy Canes are so ridiculously sticky that after the first refreshing hit of minty-ness, you realize that your lips and fingers are covered in a demonic sticky substance.

Pic from The Jewish News of Northern California

8. Having two major religious holidays during the same month is confusing! They are both great holidays, but why can’t we have them happen at the same time, or better yet, merge them into one holiday? I never know if I should be saying Happy Hannukah or Merry Christmas. Think about it, Christmas celebrates the birthday of a certain Jewish carpenter, so why not just pick a week and call it HanChristNukahMas? Also, if you want to read an awesomely funny novel about Jesus growing up as a teenager, read Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal.  Before you buy that book, you should read my interview with the author Christopher Moore. One of the nicest people I’ve ever met in my years of blogging.

Pic & recipe can be found at Back To The Book Nutrition

7. The Nog Shortage: Much like the Fall Pumpkin Spice influx, the winter holiday season is everything nog this and nog that. It’s hard to find a beverage that doesn’t offer a nog flavored option. But if you like nog, you’re screwed about 8 weeks later. Apparently nog is such a rare and valuable commodity that it can only be offered for a limited time. I’m going to get rich by drilling a nog well in my backyard and then selling my nog at outrageous prices. I will also have a Nog Blog.

That’s a perfect pic and you can find an article about why we shouldn’t buy gifts for adults HERE

6. Buying Gifts for Adults: I came up with this idea on my own and found the above pic and USA Today column when I looked for a pic to match my Scrooge-like idea. Once you’ve been in a relationship for awhile, haven’t you either bought yourself whatever the hell you wanted to, or bought each other anything you each need. My wife and I just skip gifts and promise to buy each other whatever bauble strikes our fancy on the next vacation.

5. Holiday movies set in southern California: I hate them because the people always look so happy to go outside and hang lights on their palm trees. Jerks. They’re just flaunting their warm weather and lack of snow. If you want a holiday movie to make me happy, how about one where a bunch of So-Cal people are stranded by an avalanche in the Santa Monica mountains and they have to eat each other to survive.

Pic courtesy of Disney, duh!

4. Frozen: I don’t even have a young Disney Princess obsessed daughter and I’m sick and tired of this stupid movie. I’m sick of the songs and the pictures everywhere. I’ve never seen it and I don’t know what it’s about, but enough already! It’s just another Disney movie where the parents are dead right? I challenge Disney to make some movies where they don’t kill parents as a cheap emotional hook at the beginning.

Funniest_Memes_this-food-is-so-frozen_7263

3. Commercials: I’ve never walked out to my driveway to find a car with a bow on it. I’ve seen versions of this commercial since I was a kid, setting me up with unrealistic expectations.  Look, Bill Gates, I know you and your wife donate millions to charitable causes; just once could you skip a few mosquito nets and vaccines and have a Lexus delivered to my driveway?

2. Inconvenience: From now until January 2nd, leaving your house is going to be more inconvenient than usual. Just going out for groceries is now a Herculean task. Everything and everywhere have more people trying to do the same things.

This above scene is happening everywhere all the time right now. What is wrong with people?

1. Santa Claus: And you thought they’re milking the Batman and Spider-Man characters for all their worth? St. Nick hasn’t changed in centuries! Jeez, get that guy a cape and some superpowers. How awesome would that be if he had a nemesis that was out trying to stop him from delivering presents. God has the devil, Batman has the Joker, why can’t Santa have a nemesis?

Please put your holiday pet peeves in the comments. As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor don’t be a Grinch and share it by hitting the Facebook button below. Have a great Saturday and come back tomorrow for Ten Reasons To Love The Holidays! ~Phil

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Posted in Current Events, Humor, pop culture, Uncategorized

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What’s Wrong with The Elf on The Shelf? Everything!

Posted on December 17, 2023 | 3 comments

What’s wrong with Elf on the Shelf? Everything.

elf

You’re familiar with the Elf on the Shelf right?  In the Elf on the Shelf tradition these poorly dressed little plastic elves are mischievous minions of the red suited overlord and they spy on children and report back to their tyrannical leader. That allegedly quaint little elf doll was invented about 25 years ago as a new, and for some toy company, moneymaking tradition. Fortunately for me, I wasn’t aware of The Elf on the Shelf when my kids were young enough to believe in it.

screen-shot-2014-12-12-at-4-36-54-pm1

Parents put these toy elves on a shelf and tell their children that the Elf can’t be touched or it will lose it’s Christmas  magic. The elf allegedly flies back to the North Pole to report to Santa every night. Man kids are gullible! In the immortal words of Bugs Bunny, “What a bunch of maroons!” Is that a dated reference? Does anyone else remember Bugs Bunny saying that?  The nightly flight is how parents explain that the Elf is in a different spot when the kids wake up each morning.

Of course this crazy ruse makes kids behave in the weeks leading up to Christmas! They’re terrified! Are you kidding me? Even now if you told me a Chuckie doll was going to sit on a shelf and stare at me while I slept, or that it might be moving around my house at night, I would never go to sleep again.

The kids have to be too terrified or too tired to misbehave. It’s no wonder they have a weeks vacation from school after Christmas. They probably spend that week sleeping for the first time in a month.

onemomsworld.wordpress.com

onemomsworld.wordpress.com

I had a friend who says that after her kids are asleep she will pose the Elf somewhere to make it appear as if the Elf had gotten into mischief overnight, such as putting him next to a tipped over jar of something, or maybe on a desk next to some torn up papers. So her kids wake up imagining this creepy little doll with the frozen scary clown smile moving about the house in the dark destroying things. How much longer before someone imagines the doll picking up a knife?

What if in some home where they’re torturing their kids with the Elf on the Shelf, just by coincidence, their elderly dog or cat were to pass away during the night? What do you suppose those kids are going to think for the rest of their lives?

This tradition is psychological warfare against children. How long before we see kids who have grown up with this tradition seeking counseling for PTED, Post-Traumatic Elf Disorder?

dannyoulittlerock.com

dannyoulittlerock.com

Happy Holidays to you and your families. If you really want something mysterious and far less traumatic to just appear this holiday season you could give my books, Time To Lie  and the sequel The Last Locked Door, available on Amazon in paperback, e-book, and Audible. Give the gift of reading this holiday season and have a great weekend! ~Phil

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Posted in Current Events, Humor, pop culture

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Ten Reasons To Love The Holidays!

Posted on December 9, 2023 | 2 comments

forums.hexus.net

About two weeks ago I posted my Ten Reasons to Hate The Holidays. If you haven’t read that, then you need to. It’s a prerequisite. Now I’m providing this as proof that I’m not some Ebenezer Scrooge or Grinch.

10. Ridiculous Holiday Light Displays: That’s not my house but I wish it was. I love people that take the decorating and lights waaaay too far. I wish we could do it all year long. If there’s a neighborhood that decorates all year long, let me know. I’ll move there.

9. Getting presents: Well duh! Free stuff that we didn’t know we needed or wanted? Yes please! Notice that the presents are only 9th on my list? That’s because I’m not superficial and materialistic.

wpid-img_20141208_191336.jpg

8. Nutcrackers: I buy my nuts pre-cracked but I love these guys anyway for no good reason.  As much as I love them I’d also love Stephen King, or maybe me, to write a Christmas horror story where nutcrackers come to life and terrorize people like Chuckie. Imagine how creepy they’d be if you added sharp teeth! (Yes, that herd of nutcrackers is at my house staring at me right now)

7. Holiday Movies: Check back here on Tuesday for my list of the ten best holiday movies.

6. Time off from work: Let’s be honest, how many of us love our job so much that we’d do it even if we didn’t get paid? Bueller? Bueller? Yeah, I didn’t think so. I’m taking the week off between Christmas and New Years. Don’t worry, I’ll still keep blogging because I’d do that even if they didn’t pay me.

GrinchCindyPic

5. Holiday Specials: Come back in two weeks for my top ten holiday specials. The Grinch is a total badass but he’s not number 1 on that list.

4. Awkward Family Holiday Photos: I don’t care if they’re real or fake, they’re funny. I hope someday to create my own that becomes a meme on the internet.

3. Sometimes jerks try a little harder not to be: Including me. I don’t think I’m a jerk, but it’s nice that me and most other people try a little harder to be cordial, except at the mall.

2. My holiday tie collection: Yes, this is one you should love too. This year I own enough holiday themed ties that I can wear a different one every work day from Thanksgiving until Christmas. If you follow me on Instagram or Facebook you’ve probably seen them.

wpid-img_20141208_062047678.jpg

1. _________________________

Red Gift

Number 1 is left blank for you. What is it that you love about the holidays above all else? Put in the comments what you love most about Hanukkah or Christmas. Have a great Tuesday!~Phil

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Posted in Holiday humor, Holidays

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Ten Reasons To Hate The Holidays!

Posted on November 26, 2023 | 9 comments

You’re a mean one Mister Grinch. You really are a heel. You’re as cuddly as a cactus, you’re as charming as an eel, Mister Grinch. You’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel.

Yup, that’s me; King of sarcasm and hater of all things jolly. I’m not saying that there aren’t things to love about the holidays. There are plenty, but c’mon everybody, if we’re truly being honest with ourselves, there are a lot of things to hate about the holidays. Here’s my top ten, and in the spirit of a gift that keeps on giving, I’m hoping I’ll mention one or two things you haven’t noticed before and from this day forward you won’t be able to not notice them.

10. Candy canes: They’re sticky. That’s pretty much it. I like the minty flavor, but I can get that in a York Peppermint Patty without my lips, tongue and hands covered in a gross, viscous substance. And they make too many! Has anyone ever eaten all the candy canes they purchase each year? There must be landfills just overflowing with candy canes. If we could make fossil fuel out of leftover candy canes the world would be a better place.

9. The Nog Shortage: All holiday season everything is nog this and nog that. It’s hard to find a beverage that doesn’t offer a nog flavored option. (kind of like the Fall pumpkin spice influx) But, if you like nog you’re screwed about 8 weeks later. Apparently nog is such a rare and valuable commodity that it can only be offered for a limited time. I’m going to get rich by drilling a nog well in my backyard and then selling my nog at outrageous prices. I will also have a Nog Blog.

06-bubblegum

8.  Holiday movies set in southern California: I hate them because the people in them always look so happy to go outside and hang lights on their palm trees. Jerks. They’re just flaunting their warm weather and lack of snow. If you want a holiday movie to make me happy, how about one where a bunch of So-Cal people are stranded in an avalanche in the Himalayas and they have to eat each other to survive.

iStockphoto.com/KonArt

iStockphoto.com/KonArt

7. More traffic: This one’s pretty obvious, but for cripes sake you idiots! Haven’t you heard of the internet? I don’t care how much I love someone, nobody is worth going to the mall for from now until mid-January.

6. Lazy Hollywood folks: All our regular shows go on hiatus and show re-runs for 8 weeks. Seriously? You people make billions off these shows and you only make 10 to 20 episodes a year? That’s only five and a half months of work! When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law stating that every television program is required to produce a holiday special and one other original episode during the months of December and January.

Trust me, I’m not going to Louis Vuitton ever

5.  Lines in every store ALL the time: Yes, this one’s pretty obvious. It’s just a good thing no one sells handguns as an impulse buy item at the checkouts. Then again, I don’t live in the south, they probably do there.

4. Frozen: I don’t even have a young Disney Princess obsessed daughter and I’m sick and tired of this stupid movie. I’m sick of the songs and the pictures everywhere. I’ve never seen it and I don’t know what it’s about, but enough already! It’s just another Disney movie where the parents are dead right? I challenge Disney to make some movies where they don’t kill parents as a cheap emotional hook at the beginning.

Funniest_Memes_this-food-is-so-frozen_7263

3.  Commercials: I’ve never walked out to my driveway or garage to find a car with a bow on it. I’ve seen some version of this commercial since I was a kid, completely setting me up with unrealistic expectations.  Look, Bill Gates, I know you and your wife donate millions to charitable causes, just once could you skip a few mosquito nets and vaccines and have a Lexus delivered to my driveway?

2. Religious differences: It’s hard to believe, but not every religion has their most important, most exciting holiday in December. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m passing a law stating that all religions have to have their biggest holiday at the same time so we can easily sort out the school schedules, sales, and work vacations, Makes sense doesn’t it? And just to show that I’m not Christianity-centric, let’s do it in July in the northern hemisphere and December in the southern hemisphere. That way no one has to deal with snow when traveling to see the relatives in the snow, unless you’re stupid enough to live where there’s always snow.

1. Santa Claus: And you thought they’re milking the Batman and Spider-Man characters for all their worth? St. Nick hasn’t changed in centuries! Jeez, get that guy a cape and some superpowers. How awesome would that be if he had a nemesis that was out trying to stop him from delivering presents. God has the devil, Batman has the Joker, why can’t Santa have a nemesis?

Please put your holiday pet peeves in the comments. As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor don’t be a Grinch and share it by hitting the Facebook button below. Have a great Sunday! ~Phil

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Posted in Humor, pop culture, Uncategorized

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Ranking The Top Ten Holidays Worldwide

Posted on November 15, 2023 | 2 comments

In the States and many other countries, the “holiday season” is here. It occurred to me that I should probably rank the holidays and let you argue with me.

I’ll try to avoid being United States centric. Sure we’ve got a great country with some arse kicking holidays, but thanks to my 18 years in the blogosphere I’ve been exposed to other cultures and subsequently I realize that my point of view isn’t the only point of view. I’d love to hear your thoughts on your favorite holidays and how you think that they stack up against the best holidays in the world.

10. Easter: Nothing like starting my list with a little bit of blasphemy. Easter gets the nod here because as a child on Easter, I would wake up and my parents would have hidden my Easter basket full of candy somewhere in the house. I loved the challenge of having to solve a mystery to get my candy. And then candy for breakfast! They hid my Easter basket every year until I was 18. On the Easter when I was an 18 year old college student I was so disappointed to wake up and discover that they had just left my Easter basket in front of my bedroom door.

9. Bhodi Day: What is Bhodi Day? It’s a Buddhist holiday celebrating Buddha’s enlightenment under a Bhodi tree. Because there are many different Buddhists and Buddhist calendars all over the world, the holiday is celebrated on different dates. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I will make sure Bhodi Day always happens on a Friday so we can have a long weekend.

8. Valentine’s Day: A holiday all about love! How could I possibly rank it this low? It was a tough call. Who doesn’t love love? Nobody, right? Nope. That’s not true. People who want a romantic partner and don’t have one are never happy on Valentine’s Day.

7. Eid al-Fitr: If you’re not familiar, Eid al-Fitr is massive feast that Muslims have to celebrate the end of Ramadan, which is a month in which they don’t eat from dawn to dusk each day. I’m all in for a giant feast anytime, especially after fast. I intermittent fast sometimes and I’m ready to binge eat after six hours!

This is a great picture. Thanks People Magazine

6. Day of the Dead: It’s Mexico’s Halloween but it lasts two days! I want to move to San Diego so I can celebrate Halloween on Oct. 31st and then drive across the border and celebrate Day of the Dead for two days. That’s three Halloween days in a row. If Day of the Dead is two days long, then why isn’t it Days of the Dead plural?

5. Halloween: I love the celebration of spooky things. And c’mon! Kids dressing up in costumes and getting free stuff from strangers? I can’t see how that could possibly go wrong! Adults have the opportunity to dress up as their true selves and get drunk at parties. What’s not to like?

4. Diwali: I highlighted this one last weekend. A densely packed population getting drunk and setting off fireworks is tough to beat.

3. Christmas: It’s tough to beat the run up to this holiday. The decorating and complete culture overhaul for one month are not matched by any other holiday.

This one is available on Amazon

2. Hannukah: Gasp! What? He ranked Hannukah over Christian Christmas?!!? Blasphemy! Nope, it’s not blasphemy. It’s simple math. Eight days of presents vs. one day of presents.

1. New Year: Whether it’s New Year in Times Square or the Chinese New Year, the celebration of the beginning of a new calendar year is universal. I have to say that I really respect China for ignoring the rest of the world and having their own New Year celebration 6 weeks later. I also hope that there a lot of people in China who celebrate both New Years. If it’s the best holiday, why not do it twice?

Those are my rankings. How would you rank them? Is there another holiday or two that you want on the list? Answer in the comment section below!

Have a great Wednesday! ~Phil

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होली होली टू यूज or Happy Holi To You

Posted on March 8, 2023 | Leave a comment

I’d like to wish a sincere Happy Holi to my Hindu and Hindi friends out there! Thank you for all your views of my blog over the past several years!

Today the Hindu holiday of Holi began. It is the annual Spring festival of colors. So, why am I wishing a Happy Holi or होली होली to readers of my blog? Because I have many Hindi speaking readers. Just to be clear though, not all Hindi speaking people are Hindu and not all Hindus speak Hindi, but the majority of each is also the other, got it? Hindi is a language and Hindu is a religion.

So what exactly is Holi? It’s a Hindu Spring festival that celebrates the victory of good over evil and light over the darkness. It is a time of  forgiveness and repairing relationships. Holi is not only a celebration of Spring, it is also a known as The Festival of Love, celebrating the eternal love of Radha-Krishna, the masculine and feminine realities of God. And it involves drinking a lot of Feni, a lot of fireworks, and everyone getting covered in colorful powder.

So why do so many Hindi speaking people read my blog? Because of three posts about हिंदी सेक्स over the last several years my blog has become a hotspot for the Hindi speaking crowd. I imagine that in India there are entire internet message boards dedicated to discussing फिल फैक्टर (Phil Factor). What posts are those? I’m glad you asked:

Real Sexting Conversations to Read In Hindi? 

Hindi Sexting is Back!

How Ron Burgundy Will Save Hindi Sex

The rest of this post will be in Hindi in deference to my many Hindi speaking readers and friends. होली मुबारक! फिल फैक्टर दुनिया का सबसे अच्छा ब्लॉग है! मेरी किताबें खरीदें और आप अपने सपनों के साथ मिलेंगे!

Have a great Wednesday! ~फिल

#PHIL2024

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