Tag Archives: holidays funny

Ten Reasons To Hate The Holidays!

You’re a mean one Mister Grinch. You really are a heel. You’re as cuddly as a cactus, you’re as charming as an eel, Mister Grinch. You’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel.

Yup, that’s me; King of sarcasm and hater of all things jolly. I’m not saying that there aren’t things to love about the holidays. There are plenty, but c’mon everybody, if we’re truly being honest with ourselves, there are a lot of things to hate about the holidays. Here’s my top ten, and in the spirit of a gift that keeps on giving, I’m hoping I’ll mention one or two things you haven’t noticed before and from this day forward you won’t be able to not notice them.

10. Candy canes: They’re sticky. That’s pretty much it. I like the minty flavor, but I can get that in a York Peppermint Patty without my lips, tongue and hands covered in a gross, viscous substance. And they make too many! Has anyone ever eaten all the candy canes they purchase each year? There must be landfills just overflowing with candy canes. If we could make fossil fuel out of leftover candy canes the world would be a better place.

9. The Nog Shortage: All holiday season everything is nog this and nog that. It’s hard to find a beverage that doesn’t offer a nog flavored option. (kind of like the Fall pumpkin spice influx) But, if you like nog you’re screwed about 8 weeks later. Apparently nog is such a rare and valuable commodity that it can only be offered for a limited time. I’m going to get rich by drilling a nog well in my backyard and then selling my nog at outrageous prices. I will also have a Nog Blog.


8.  Holiday movies set in southern California: I hate them because the people in them always look so happy to go outside and hang lights on their palm trees. Jerks. They’re just flaunting their warm weather and lack of snow. If you want a holiday movie to make me happy, how about one where a bunch of So-Cal people are stranded in an avalanche in the Himalayas and they have to eat each other to survive.



7. More traffic: This one’s pretty obvious, but for cripes sake you idiots! Haven’t you heard of the internet? I don’t care how much I love someone, nobody is worth going to the mall for from now until mid-January.

6. Lazy Hollywood folksAll our regular shows go on hiatus and show re-runs for 8 weeks. Seriously? You people make billions off these shows and you only make 10 to 20 episodes a year? That’s only five and a half months of work! When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law stating that every television program is required to produce a holiday special and one other original episode during the months of December and January.

Trust me, I’m not going to Louis Vuitton ever

5.  Lines in every store ALL the time: Yes, this one’s pretty obvious. It’s just a good thing no one sells handguns as an impulse buy item at the checkouts. Then again, I don’t live in the south, they probably do there.

4. FrozenI don’t even have a young Disney Princess obsessed daughter and I’m sick and tired of this stupid movie. I’m sick of the songs and the pictures everywhere. I’ve never seen it and I don’t know what it’s about, but enough already! It’s just another Disney movie where the parents are dead right? I challenge Disney to make some movies where they don’t kill parents as a cheap emotional hook at the beginning.


3.  Commercials: I’ve never walked out to my driveway or garage to find a car with a bow on it. I’ve seen some version of this commercial since I was a kid, completely setting me up with unrealistic expectations.  Look, Bill Gates, I know you and your wife donate millions to charitable causes, just once could you skip a few mosquito nets and vaccines and have a Lexus delivered to my driveway?

2. Religious differences: It’s hard to believe, but not every religion has their most important, most exciting holiday in December. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m passing a law stating that all religions have to have their biggest holiday at the same time so we can easily sort out the school schedules, sales, and work vacations, Makes sense doesn’t it? And just to show that I’m not Christianity-centric, let’s do it in July in the northern hemisphere and December in the southern hemisphere. That way no one has to deal with snow when traveling to see the relatives in the snow, unless you’re stupid enough to live where there’s always snow.

1. Santa Claus: And you thought they’re milking the Batman and Spider-Man characters for all their worth? St. Nick hasn’t changed in centuries! Jeez, get that guy a cape and some superpowers. How awesome would that be if he had a nemesis that was out trying to stop him from delivering presents. God has the devil, Batman has the Joker, why can’t Santa have a nemesis?

Please put your holiday pet peeves in the comments. As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor don’t be a Grinch and share it by hitting the Facebook button below. Have a great Sunday! ~Phil

Ranking The Top Ten Holidays Worldwide

In the States and many other countries, the “holiday season” is here. It occurred to me that I should probably rank the holidays and let you argue with me.

I’ll try to avoid being United States centric. Sure we’ve got a great country with some arse kicking holidays, but thanks to my 18 years in the blogosphere I’ve been exposed to other cultures and subsequently I realize that my point of view isn’t the only point of view. I’d love to hear your thoughts on your favorite holidays and how you think that they stack up against the best holidays in the world.

10. Easter: Nothing like starting my list with a little bit of blasphemy. Easter gets the nod here because as a child on Easter, I would wake up and my parents would have hidden my Easter basket full of candy somewhere in the house. I loved the challenge of having to solve a mystery to get my candy. And then candy for breakfast! They hid my Easter basket every year until I was 18. On the Easter when I was an 18 year old college student I was so disappointed to wake up and discover that they had just left my Easter basket in front of my bedroom door.

9. Bhodi Day: What is Bhodi Day? It’s a Buddhist holiday celebrating Buddha’s enlightenment under a Bhodi tree. Because there are many different Buddhists and Buddhist calendars all over the world, the holiday is celebrated on different dates. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I will make sure Bhodi Day always happens on a Friday so we can have a long weekend.

8. Valentine’s Day: A holiday all about love! How could I possibly rank it this low? It was a tough call. Who doesn’t love love? Nobody, right? Nope. That’s not true. People who want a romantic partner and don’t have one are never happy on Valentine’s Day.

7. Eid al-Fitr: If you’re not familiar, Eid al-Fitr is massive feast that Muslims have to celebrate the end of Ramadan, which is a month in which they don’t eat from dawn to dusk each day. I’m all in for a giant feast anytime, especially after fast. I intermittent fast sometimes and I’m ready to binge eat after six hours!

This is a great picture. Thanks People Magazine

6. Day of the Dead: It’s Mexico’s Halloween but it lasts two days! I want to move to San Diego so I can celebrate Halloween on Oct. 31st and then drive across the border and celebrate Day of the Dead for two days. That’s three Halloween days in a row. If Day of the Dead is two days long, then why isn’t it Days of the Dead plural?

5. Halloween: I love the celebration of spooky things. And c’mon! Kids dressing up in costumes and getting free stuff from strangers? I can’t see how that could possibly go wrong! Adults have the opportunity to dress up as their true selves and get drunk at parties. What’s not to like?

4. Diwali: I highlighted this one last weekend. A densely packed population getting drunk and setting off fireworks is tough to beat.

3. Christmas: It’s tough to beat the run up to this holiday. The decorating and complete culture overhaul for one month are not matched by any other holiday.

This one is available on Amazon

2. Hannukah: Gasp! What? He ranked Hannukah over Christian Christmas?!!? Blasphemy! Nope, it’s not blasphemy. It’s simple math. Eight days of presents vs. one day of presents.

1. New Year: Whether it’s New Year in Times Square or the Chinese New Year, the celebration of the beginning of a new calendar year is universal. I have to say that I really respect China for ignoring the rest of the world and having their own New Year celebration 6 weeks later. I also hope that there a lot of people in China who celebrate both New Years. If it’s the best holiday, why not do it twice?

Those are my rankings. How would you rank them? Is there another holiday or two that you want on the list? Answer in the comment section below!

Have a great Wednesday! ~Phil

होली होली टू यूज or Happy Holi To You

I’d like to wish a sincere Happy Holi to my Hindu and Hindi friends out there! Thank you for all your views of my blog over the past several years!

Today the Hindu holiday of Holi began. It is the annual Spring festival of colors. So, why am I wishing a Happy Holi or होली होली to readers of my blog? Because I have many Hindi speaking readers. Just to be clear though, not all Hindi speaking people are Hindu and not all Hindus speak Hindi, but the majority of each is also the other, got it? Hindi is a language and Hindu is a religion.

So what exactly is Holi? It’s a Hindu Spring festival that celebrates the victory of good over evil and light over the darkness. It is a time of  forgiveness and repairing relationships. Holi is not only a celebration of Spring, it is also a known as The Festival of Love, celebrating the eternal love of Radha-Krishna, the masculine and feminine realities of God. And it involves drinking a lot of Feni, a lot of fireworks, and everyone getting covered in colorful powder.

So why do so many Hindi speaking people read my blog? Because of three posts about हिंदी सेक्स over the last several years my blog has become a hotspot for the Hindi speaking crowd. I imagine that in India there are entire internet message boards dedicated to discussing फिल फैक्टर (Phil Factor). What posts are those? I’m glad you asked:

Real Sexting Conversations to Read In Hindi? 

Hindi Sexting is Back!

How Ron Burgundy Will Save Hindi Sex

The rest of this post will be in Hindi in deference to my many Hindi speaking readers and friends. होली मुबारक! फिल फैक्टर दुनिया का सबसे अच्छा ब्लॉग है! मेरी किताबें खरीदें और आप अपने सपनों के साथ मिलेंगे!

Have a great Wednesday! ~फिल


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