Tag Archives: Britney Spears

Throwback Thursday! Britney Baby One More Time!

This post from June of 2006 is truly a time machine. When was the last time you heard of Britney Spears in the news? Back in 2006 she was big news every week. Also, what’s funny about this is that you could have, at any point in the last ten years, deleted Britney’s name and inserted Lindsay Lohan, Amanda Bynes, Charlie Sheen, or Kim Kardashian and it would be the same post.

(June 16, 2006) Is it just me, or is everyone tired of hearing about Britney Spears? No one this dumb has been this famous since Forrest Gump. When I become President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to declare a one year moratorium on Britney Spears news. I’m pretty sure that if we went a year without Britney news the sun would still continue to rise every day and life, death, and taxes would still go on.

I don’t know the exact statistics, but judging by the amount of publicity she has received over the last two years, I would guess that Britney has been married at least six times and hasn’t gone a day without being pregnant. Also, based on the frequency of media reports, I would guess that her many children are constantly in danger of losing their lives based on her stupidity. If she wants to drive down the Santa Monica freeway with her infant child on the roof of her car, feel free to call Child Protective Services, but please don’t put it on t.v. or the cover of every magazine in my supermarket. Unless her next husband is the Pope, I also don’t give a rat’s ass who she is or isn’t married to.

The next time Britney goes a day without being married or pregnant you can let me know, because that truly would be news. And if someone could manage to snap a photo of her where she isn’t crying with black mascara running down her face I certainly would appreciate it. For god’s sake someone, get the girl some Prozac and a makeover! The other day I was home watching ABC (All Britney Channel) when they tried to slip in some crazy story about a war in Iraq. How long has that been going on?

Smells Like Biebs Spirit: Bad Celebrity Fragrances

I think that if I get any more followers for my blog and my Facebook author page I’m going to have to have my own cologne. As idiotic and unbelievable as it may seem all the colognes and perfumes on this list are real. I’d love it if you add your comments or humorous tag lines for them in the comments section.

Justin Bieber: I imagine that Justin Beiber smells a lot like pot smoke and monkeys. On one of the pages promoting his perfumes the description says “Designer Justin Bieber…”  Designer? Really? The only thing he’s designed lately is the downfall of a promising pop music career. He has 6 perfumes for women. Well, maybe not women. I think he’s catering to the Hello Kitty crowd. The way he’s been acting the last 18 months you’d think he’s promoting a fragrance called Someone Should Punch Me.

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Donald Trump: The American billionaire tycoon has both cologne and perfume so apparently he’s finally out of the closet with his bisexuality. That’s cool Don. We don’t judge. Supposedly it has “notes of mint, cucumber and basil.” That doesn’t sound like perfume, it sounds like a salad, as if The Donald wants his tossed. If he had a cologne that smelled like actual money? That would be the world’s best aphrodisiac. Donald I know you’re reading this and my blog is copyrighted. You’re going to have to buy that idea from me.

David Beckham and Derek Jeter: There are many, many more athlete inspired fragrances but I chose these two names because you’d know them. A perfume or cologne based on an athlete? No thanks, I can produce my own sweat.

Lady GaGa: Ugh. Just ugh. 

Britney Spears: Of course she has her own perfume. It’s called Circus Fantasy. Brilliant. Who doesn’t want to smell like carnies and elephant dung? But it’s not just Circus. It’s Circus Fantasy. Who hasn’t fantasized about a romantic rendezvous at the circus? Maybe in a clown car.

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Neil Gaiman: Although he is wildly popular, the fact that a middle-aged, British author who doesn’t write romance novels has his own fragrance, shows you the difference in humor between America and England. His fragrance, Neil Gaiman’s Lemon-Scented Sticky Bat was actually based on a blog post he wrote in 2007 .

Hmmm….a blog post that spawned a perfume? I wonder what The Phil Factor cologne. would smell like? Imagine the ads…The Phil Factor, for when you want the smell of sarcasm with subtle notes of chlorine, coffee and red wine. Just so you know that I’m not completely without a soul, I toyed with but ultimately chose to leave out jokes about Rhianna and Michael Schumacher’s fragrances. Also, thank you to my friend Karen for suggesting the idea for this post.

As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor please share by the Facebook or Twitter share buttons below. And please share your ideas and jokes by leaving a comment. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

 

 

 

 

Throwback Thursdays on Friday! Britney & Kevin Sittin’ in a Tree! (4/12/2006)

Hi Everyone, sorry I was a day late on this. The week just got away from me. Have a great Friday. See you tomorrow!

Britney

(4/12/2006) God, I hope those two idiots don’t sit in a tree. They’d probably drop their baby from it. News broke today that Child Welfare Services and a sheriff’s deputy paid a visit to the home of Mr. and Mrs. Spears yesterday. Apparently last week Mr. and Mrs. Britney brought their 6 month old child to the hospital after he had fallen from his high chair. In February of this year Child Welfare Services also visited the esteemed couple after Britney was photographed driving with her then 4 month old child in her lap. This kid already has two strikes against him named Britney and Kevin, the last thing he needs is a head injury.

I rarely venture too far into serious political or social commentary here, but today I think I will. I think that there should be some kind of intelligence test before people are allowed to reproduce. I’m not saying that people with I.Q.’s a tad on the low side shouldn’t be able to reproduce. You don’t have to be smart to be a good parent, you need to have common sense. My Parenting Intelligence Test (PIT) would have prospective parents answer a series of sample questions to test their parenting common sense. Here are a few sample questions:

1. If you are a heavy drinker and you’ve just discovered that you’re pregnant you should:

  A) Stop drinking alcohol until after the child is born

  B) Drink light beer.

  C) Find out who the father is

  D) Marry a random back-up dancer and tell him the child is his

2. If your newborn child should awaken crying during the night you should:

  A) Check to see if the infant needs to be fed or changed

  B) Tell him/her to stop

  C) Close the door

  D) Tell Kevin that if he wants to keep living in your house he damn well            better go take care of that kid.

3. If you are driving your car your child should be:

  A) Strapped securely into his car seat.

  B) Riding on your lap

  C) Home with Kevin. Why would I want to go out in public looking all motherly?

  D) Driving the car. I’ve probably already had too much to drink.

4. Your child seems to cry quite often. Too soothe him/her you could:

  A) Rock him gently and sing to him.

  B) Give him/her a pacifier.

  C) Put him in a child swing

  D) Tell him/her that Kevin Federline really isn’t his father.

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