While Hillary was Secretary of State she used her personal phone and personal e-mail account to send work e-mails because it was too difficult for her to manage two cell phones. Great, she can’t manage two cell phones but she wants to manage all 50 of our states? This past week about 300 of her e-mails were released to the public. Here are some surprising quotes from them:
10. Yes, President Mamoud of Gosnulia, here is my bank account information. Send the 500 million dollars. I get to keep half if I write you a check, right?
9. This email confirms your order of two tickets to Wiz Khalifa on May 26 at the Quicken Loans Arena. Your card has been charged $92.95
8. Look, Monica, I paid you for taking care of Bill so I wouldn’t have to, and no I do not need your services again.
7. Your subscription to The Phil Factor is confirmed. You will receive an email each time he publishes a post.
6. Who is this Ben Gazi they keep asking me about? Is he anyone I need to know about?
5. Your spa appointment for a Brazilian is confirmed for 1:30 on Tuesday. You must give 24 hours notice of cancellation or you will be charged.
4. The Phil Factor? What is The Phil Factor? No I won’t interview for him.
3. I’ve been working my glutes. Did you see me in the orange pantsuit today? How does my ass look?
2. Dammit! What’s my Tinder password again?
1. Get me Justin Bieber! If Bill can have Monica I can have Justin. I don’t care what it costs! Just do it. There’s just something about the Biebs that makes me want him to be the secretary of my state.
People who are famous for being famous without doing anything of skill or importance. As much as we mock them we all would probably take their improbable fame and fortune in a heartbeat.
10. Kardashian’s: I could have made up the whole list from them if I listed them individually.
9. Paris Hilton: Her family owns the hotel chain but why don’t we know any of their names?
8. Kato Kaelin: If you live in the States you know his name. The infamous O.J. Simpson house guest with the tragic mullet that was about 5 years past it’s prime.
7. Monica Lewinsky: You’ve got to give her credit for her guts. Hitting on the most powerful man in the world is a gutsy move. Now she’s in the press whining that she can’t get a job because of her notoriety. Boo freaking hoo. What did you think would happen?
6. Snooki: The former Jersey Shore star is making a living off a few years of drinking and hooking up for the cameras. Big deal! We’ve all did that in our twenties.
5. Kelly Osbourne: It pays to be the daughter of a famous rocker. Just ask Liv Tyler.
4. Posh Spice: Had she not bended for Beckham we wouldn’t know her first name and she’d be a distant memory like all the other Spice Girls. Quick, what’s Scary Spice’s real name? What is she doing now? My point exactly.
3. The Royal Family of England: They’re not actually governing the country so what do they do to deserve 24/7 media coverage?
2. Dr. Drew: He’s made a living off the misery and problems of the famous like some kind of psychiatric parasite. (picture credit: ROFLRAZZLE.com)
1. Hillary Clinton: Now I know you think I’m going to relate this to #6 but I’m not. Hillary Clinton my be the most famous wife ever. She gravy trained being the Governor’s wife into First Lady of the United States into Senator then to Secretary of State into author and Presidential candidate. If she left Bill I’d have a lot more respect for her, but she stayed for her own political gain.
As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor please feel free to share on Facebook, Twitter, or by reblogging. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil
Considering all the hullabaloo about the Edward Snowden revelations that our government is spying on us, I thought this blog post that I wrote in 2006 illustrates how short our memories are. Apparently it was in the news then that the government was spying on us. Why is everyone so upset now? Chances are that we’ll forget this Snowden thing, the government will go back to spying on us and then in another six years we’ll be mad about it all over again. The original blog post from 5/15/06 is below the picture.
Last week it was revealed that sometime after the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, 2001 the National Security Administration has been monitoring our telephone calls. Who we call, when we call, and how long we call for is all getting logged somewhere in Washington D.C. I’m fine with that, but I figure as long as it’s going on we might as well have fun with it.
Now I realize that my phone calls in general are probably of very little interest to the U.S. government. I further realize that anyone who was not born in this country is probably getting their calls monitored on a very regular basis. My plan is this: I want everyone who has a friend or co-worker of Arabic descent to call up their friend and have the following conversation: “Hey, it happened again. Hillary came over last night about 2:30 in the morning. Man was she drunk again. She said she can’t take it anymore. She said that she started this thing with George just to get back at Bill for the whole Monica thing, but George is just getting too weird. She said that Dubya actually likes to switch roles and dress up as the woman. Yeah, and then he wanted Cheney to watch. He said that Dick would join, but his heart couldn’t take it. Yeah, and he asked her to push “the big red button” again. He mentioned something about doing it on Air Force 1 next. What do you think I should tell her? How can she get out of this?”
It doesn’t matter what your friend replies. If you don’t have a friend of foreign heritage to make this call to, just go through the phone book and pick a foreign sounding name at random. That might be better. Just fire off the dialogue I’ve provided as fast as you can before you pretend that you got a wrong number. That way it might make it to the press quicker anyway. Of course, we already know the government is monitoring my blog because of all my subversive ideas, so the jig might already be up on this joke. Anyone out there want to volunteer to receive my call? I’m pretty sure if I’m calling out of the country they’ll be listening.
BTW, the link to the National Security Administration above is live and really takes you to their website. I assume they love when I do that. If you’re impressed that I correctly spelled ‘hullabaloo’ in the first paragraph and you enjoy what you read here at #ThePhilFactor please hit one of the share buttons below. Just be careful who you share it with because you never know who might be watching!
Self-proclaimed grand poobah of leisure and author of humorous suspense novels The Sneaker Tree & White Picket Prisons, the humor essay book Fifty Shades of Phil and the long running blog The Phil Factor.