Tag Archives: Edward Snowden

Throwback Thursday! The Top Ten Benefits To Being Edward Snowden

Remember last year when this guy was on TV every day?

snowden-russia-waldo-one

Originally posted on 06/29/2013

10. I’ve been busting my ass writing #ThePhilFactor for 8 years and publishing my own books. Snowden lets a couple secrets out of the bag and I’ll bet he’s already got a lucrative book deal lined up.

9. You know how you can save 15% or more on your car insurance with Geico? Eddie always gets the more.

8. Apparently Team Edward wins.

7. He gets to watch The Terminal but with Russian subtitles.

6.  According to NBC World News there’s a TGI Fridays and an Irish pub at the Moscow airport. Free wifi too! Are you kidding me? That’s my dream come true. I’d never leave there. I wish I had some secrets to spill.

5. Apparently Edward Snowden has only had one picture taken of him in his entire life. This is his baby picture.

Edward_Snowden_Guardian_019a_270x256

4. Edward Snowden’s girlfriend:

picture credit: dailycaller.com

picture credit: dailycaller.com

Seriously, how does Eddie score a chick like this? I bet he used his e-mail and cell phone surveillance tools to get some dirt on her. But what’s the deal with the sea turtle? She looks a little crazy to me.

3. Free security pats downs as often as he wants!

2. Chicks totally dig a bad boy. Two weeks ago he was just a computer nerd but now he’s an international fugitive! If things don’t work out with ‘crazy sea turtle girl’ and she doesn’t stab him in his sleep, he’ll have dates lined up around the block for years to come.

Drum roll please…and the number one benefit to being Edward Snowden is:

1. He gets featured on my blog on the day that I’m launching my new book Fifty Shades of PhilSeriously, where else is he going to get that kind of free publicity?

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please hit the Facebook and Twitter share buttons below, and check out my humorous books. Especially today buy my hilarious book Fifty Shades of Phil for only $.99.  Even if it’s only for one day I want to out rank every Chelsea Handler book in the Amazon rankings. I hate her.

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

My Top Ten New Years Resolutions

10.  Punch Edward Snowden in the nose: Because of him the government & NSA are going to change their technology monitoring policies in 2014. Well guess what? I fly to & from somewhere about four times a year. I don’t like the idea that the NSA is less likely to catch some terrorists plans.  Thanks #EdwardSnowden

9.  Go to BobfestMy friend Bob, of the band Slurp Deluxe, has thrown a big party at his house every August for over twenty years. They send out about 200 invitations. It starts at 2:00 on a Saturday afternoon and ends whenever. I went the first 5 years or so and I’d do a stand up set and sing a song with the band. When Bob moved further away, making my drive there about eight hours, I stopped going. Since I started writing books, Bob, his family, and some of his friends have been my best supporters. In fact, if you read The Sneaker Tree, my inclusion of the character names Bolo and Scott is a shout out to Bob and his brother. I’d like to go and thank everyone personally.

8. Make more crop circles: Who doesn’t love crop circles like this one that just showed up in a field in California yesterday? If you see a mysterious crop circle show up somewhere in 2014 I want everyone to think one thing…Phil

crop-circle-thumbnail2

7.  Take more ‘selfies’: 2013 was The Year of Me.  Not me Phil, but me everybody and the selfie is the symptom. Kik, Snapchat, Instagram are all just different ways to take more selfies. As a society could we be anymore ego-centric? Then again, I guess it’s not a new thing. The cave paintings were just pre-historic selfies. Maybe I’ll take selfies of the crop circles I make that look like my head.

6. Have a crazy meltdown/fiasco: All the celebrities are doing it and they seem to get rewarded with more fame. Unfortunately, the most public stage on which I have to put my meltdown on display is this blog. Once I figure out how to embarrass myself publicly, you’ll be the first to know.

5. Live: It may not sound like much, but at the beginning of each year I set a goal to still be alive at the end of that year. I think it’s important to clearly state that as an expectation just in case there is real karma or other forces in the universe that might be omnipotent and influential. I’ve got a great streak going and I have no plans to end it in 2014.

4. Start my New Years Resolution list earlier: Had I started working on this much sooner that 6:00 a.m. today, like maybe a day or two ago, I’m sure this would be far more entertaining. Thanks for sticking with me this long. I’m hoping my top 3 will be better than this one.

3. An end to all reality TV: Whether it be by my election as President, Pope, or Sexiest Man Alive, or just through a popular, shared blog post I want to bring an end to idiotic reality TV shows. I’m not sure it’s possible to dumb down our society any more. Yeah, I know that if I don’t like something I don’t have to watch it, but shows that don’t feature stupid people in captivity are getting fewer and fewer.

2.  I will not “pay it forward” with coffee. Great everybody, it’s a nice sentiment to pay for the coffee of the person in the car behind you, but how about paying it forward by donating that money to a charitable organization instead of to a soccer mom getting her Starbucks fix?

1. 2014: The Year of Engagement: Like I said, 2013 has been The Year of Me for all of us. Selfies, blogs, reality TV are all just ways people draw attention to themselves. I want 2014 to be The Year of Engagement for me. I’m not getting married, I want to engage more with others. I’m going to try to end each blog post with a question and ask more questions on my Facebook page instead of just force feeding people their daily dose of Phil.

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please share by the Facebook or Twitter buttons below or by reblogging. Like I said, I’m ending on a question. In the comments, what is your most important personal resolution for 2014?

Maybe I’m Edward Snowden: Fun with Search Terms

snowden-russia-waldo-one

Remember how everyone was all upset about Snowden’s revelation that the government could be looking into all our online activity? If it upset you when the government was doing it, I wonder how you’d feel if say…somebody like me was doing it?

Here is a list of some of the best search terms of the last three months that brought people to #ThePhilFactor with my commentary on some of them.

Men with a scorpion tattoo in his ass: I swear this probably isn’t referring to me. In 2011 I  wrote a post called “The Man with the Scorpion Tattoo

Angry jokes about Candy Crush: This is only a partial list. Sadly, Candy Crush was the most frequent topic that lead people to my blog. They must have been so disappointed. My Candy Crush post from earlier this year is the reason.

Philthy Animal Taylor 2013: People always mistake me for the old Motorhead drummer

philthyfinal

I always feel like Obama watching me: Dude, seriously, lighten up. Obama has bigger things to worry about.

The world can be amazing when you’re a slightly strange author: This one is by far my favorite. I have no idea what algorithm Google has that made it decide I was the answer to this search, but I love it.

Reasons to hate Oprah: Really? Someone needs to look up reasons?

Beware the Canadian Twitter Invasion: This is the title of my favorite post of 2013. It will definitely make it into the sequel to Fifty Shades of Phil

Amish hats cooler: I luv me some Amish!

TSA bicep check: Well of course I was the answer to this search!

Sarcastic birthday cards for an aunt: Hmmm…a Phil Factor line of sarcastic greeting cards. That sounds like a great idea. Cha-ching!

Horniestintheland tumblr.com: I’m not sure whose blog this is, but I just bought the domain name. Just because.

Phil Factor movie: Shhhh….I’m not supposed to say anything until the deal with the studio is finalized.

Drake Justin Phil: I wonder if Drake and the Biebs are looking at their blog info and thinking, “Cool, I was included in a search with Phil!”

First person to beat Candy Crush: I’m not saying I was the first, but I’m not saying I wasn’t. You know how modest I can be.

I’m sorry to have disappointed you if you were looking for my usual Throwback Thursdays post. I’ll return to posting my weekly re-run next week. As always, if you got a laugh out of #ThePhilFactor please check out my books and hit the Facebook and Twitter share buttons below. See you Saturday!

Throwback Thursdays! When A Stranger Calls 5/15/2006

Considering all the hullabaloo about the Edward Snowden revelations that our government is spying on us, I thought this blog post that I wrote in 2006 illustrates how short our memories are. Apparently it was in the news then that the government was spying on us. Why is everyone so upset now? Chances are that we’ll forget this Snowden thing, the government will go back to spying on us and then in another six years we’ll be mad about it all over again.  The original blog post from 5/15/06 is below the picture.

Hillary-clinton-on-phone

Last week it was revealed that sometime after the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, 2001 the National Security Administration has been monitoring our telephone calls. Who we call, when we call, and how long we call for is all getting logged somewhere in Washington D.C.  I’m fine with that, but I figure as long as it’s going on we might as well have fun with it.

Now I realize that my phone calls in general are probably of very little interest to the U.S. government. I further realize that anyone who was not born in this country is probably getting their calls monitored on a very regular basis. My plan is this: I want everyone who has a friend or co-worker of Arabic descent to call up their friend and have the following conversation: “Hey, it happened again. Hillary came over last night about 2:30 in the morning. Man was she drunk again. She said she can’t take it anymore. She said that she started this thing with George just to get back at Bill for the whole Monica thing, but George is just getting too weird. She said that Dubya actually likes to switch roles and dress up as the woman. Yeah, and then he wanted Cheney to watch. He said that Dick would join, but his heart couldn’t take it. Yeah, and he asked her to push “the big red button” again. He mentioned something about doing it on Air Force 1 next. What do you think I should tell her? How can she get out of this?”

It doesn’t matter what your friend replies. If you don’t have a friend of foreign heritage to make this call to, just go through the phone book and pick a foreign sounding name at random. That might be better. Just fire off the dialogue I’ve provided as fast as you can before you pretend that you got a wrong number. That way it might make it to the press quicker anyway. Of course, we already know the government is monitoring my blog because of all my subversive ideas, so the jig might already be up on this joke. Anyone out there want to volunteer to receive my call? I’m pretty sure if I’m calling out of the country they’ll be listening.

BTW, the link to the National Security Administration above is live and really takes you to their website. I assume they love when I do that. If  you’re impressed that I correctly spelled ‘hullabaloo’ in the first paragraph and you enjoy what you read here at #ThePhilFactor please hit one of the share buttons below. Just be careful who you share it with because you never know who might be watching!

The Top Ten Benefits to Being Edward Snowden

snowden-russia-waldo-one

10. I’ve been busting my ass writing #ThePhilFactor for 8 years and publishing my own books. Snowden lets a couple secrets out of the bag and I’ll bet he’s already got a lucrative book deal lined up.

9. You know how you can save 15% or more on your car insurance with Geico? Eddie always gets the more.

8. Apparently Team Edward wins.

7. He gets to watch The Terminal but with Russian subtitles.

6.  According to NBC World News there’s a TGI Fridays and an Irish pub at the Moscow airport. Free wifi too! Are you kidding me? That’s my dream come true. I’d never leave there. I wish I had some secrets to spill.

5. Apparently Edward Snowden has only had one picture taken of him in his entire life. This is his baby picture.

Edward_Snowden_Guardian_019a_270x256

4. Edward Snowden’s girlfriend:

Lindsay-Mills-turtle

Seriously, how does Eddie score a chick like this? I bet he used his e-mail and cell phone surveillance tools to get some dirt on her. But what’s the deal with the sea turtle? She looks a little crazy to me.

3. Free security pats downs as often as he wants!

2. Chicks totally dig a bad boy. Two weeks ago he was just a computer nerd but now he’s an international fugitive! If things don’t work out with ‘crazy sea turtle girl’ and she doesn’t stab him in his sleep, he’ll have dates lined up around the block for years to come.

Drum roll please…and the number one benefit to being Edward Snowden is:

1. He gets featured on my blog on the day that I’m launching my new book Fifty Shades of Phil! Seriously, where else is he going to get that kind of free publicity?

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please hit the Facebook and Twitter share buttons below, and check out my humorous books. Especially today buy my hilarious book Fifty Shades of Phil for only $2.99.  Even if it’s only for one day I want to out rank every Chelsea Handler book in the Amazon rankings. I hate her.