Tag Archives: Christmas funny

The Elf From Hell

This isn’t really a throwback because it’s timely and relevant every year and I intend to keep posting it until all the demented parents stop waging psychological warfare on their young children.

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(12/22/2012) Most of you are familiar with the Elf on the Shelf right?  In the Elf on the Shelf tradition these poorly dressed little plastic elves are mischievous minions of the red suited overlord who spy on the every move of children and report back to their tyrannical leader. That allegedly quaint little elf doll was invented about 15 years ago as a new, and for some toy making company, moneymaking tradition. Fortunately for my kids I wasn’t aware of The Elf on the Shelf when they were young enough to believe in it.

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Parents put these little Elves on a shelf and the children are told that the Elf cannot be touched or it will lose it’s Christmas  magic. The elf allegedly flies back to the North Pole to report to Santa every night. Man kids are gullible! In the immortal words of Bugs Bunny, “What a bunch of maroons!” The nightly flight is how parents explain that the Elf is in a different spot when the kids wake up each morning.

Of course this crazy little ruse makes kids behave in the weeks leading up to Christmas! They’re terrified! Are you kidding me? Even now if you told me a Chuckie doll was going to sit on my shelf and stare at me while I slept, or that it might be moving around my house at night? I would never go to sleep again. The kids have got to be too terrified or too tired to misbehave. No wonder they have a weeks vacation from school after Christmas. They probably spend that week sleeping for the first time in a month.

onemomsworld.wordpress.com

onemomsworld.wordpress.com

I have a friend who says that after her kids are asleep she will pose the Elf somewhere to make it appear as if the Elf had gotten into mischief overnight, such as putting him next to a tipped over jar of something, or maybe on a desk next to some torn up papers. So her kids wake up imagining that this creepy little doll with the frozen scary clown smile is moving about the house in the dark destroying things. How much longer before someone imagines the doll picking up a knife? What if in some home where they’re torturing their kids with the Elf on the Shelf, just by coincidence, their elderly dog or cat were to pass away during the night? What do you suppose those kids are going to think for the rest of their lives?

This tradition sounds like psychological warfare against children. How long before we see kids who have grown up with this tradition seeking counseling for PTED, Post-Traumatic Elf Disorder?

dannyoulittlerock.com

dannyoulittlerock.com

Happy Holidays to you and your families. If you really want something mysterious and far less traumatic to just appear somewhere this holiday season you could give my books, Time To Lie  and the sequel The Last Locked Door, available in paperback, e-book, and Audible. Give the gift of reading this holiday season and have a great Saturday! ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! My Christmas Form Letter To You

It’s that time of year again! The time for the year in review Christmas form letter. It’s always touching when our relatives treat us like customers. Typically these form letters take one of two directions. The first and most typical is the ‘What a wonderful year we had!’

“Dear ____________, 2018 was a wonderful year for my family. I started a new job six figure job, and my wife was promoted to president of her company. The kids are doing well. Johnny aced the S.A.T., didn’t miss a question! He’s now been accepted into a Ph.D program at Harvard even though he’s only 14. Susie was named Miss Junior America and will be touring the country speaking out against make up companies testing lip gloss on kittens. The picture on the front of the card is the new Bentley we got after winning the lottery.

The best course of action the next time you see these relatives is a swift, stunning punch to the forehead that will cause them to spill nog all over their tacky sweater and leave a mark on their forehead. They deserve this because either they are lying about how fantastic their life is, or if their life is that great then the bruise on their forehead will remind them that life is tough and they shouldn’t get too cocky.

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The second kind of Christmas letter is my favorite. It’s the disaster letter. These are the people who make you feel so much better about yourself and your life.

“Hello everyone, it is with a heavy heart that we wish you Season’s Greetings. Sadly our twenty-seven year old cocker spaniel passed away last week. He was delicious.  In more upbeat news from our family it has been a year of triumphs! Little Johnny learned to poop indoors and that rash on Susie’s face cleared up. As soon as Obamacare kicks in we’ll get her lazy eye looked at. Home schooling is going well and they both are on track to graduate by the time they’re 21. We’re so proud! Once Trevor finds a job we’ll buy some train tickets and come visit! The best course of action with these relatives is to tell them you’re moving and you’ll forward them the address as soon as you get settled.

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I would just like to note that none of the pictures in this post are from my family. If I were to write a form Christmas letter to anyone reading this it might read:

Thank you to anyone who has read The Phil Factor even once. It’s been an amazing year for me thanks to all of you. Thank you to those who have read one of my books and those who clicked Like or shared my weekly Phil Factor as well as those that have helped by giving of their knowledge. Regardless of what religion or holiday you may or may not be celebrating this season, thank you for every little click you’ve directed at me in some way.

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As always, Happy Thursday, and if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please feel free to share by hitting the Facebook or Twitter share buttons below.

Buying 12 Days of Christmas on Amazon would cost you…

It occurred to me that if I did want to buy my true love the 12 days of Christmas from the song that I probably could get it on Amazon. Here’s what it would cost:

1. A partridge in a pear tree: On Amazon you could get a “Partridges and Pears” snow globe for  $50.00 American.

2. Two turtle doves: Two turtles doves figurines would cost you: $22.88

3. Three French Hens: A Three French Hens Queen comforter would run you $109.

4. Four calling birds: A four calling birds Christmas ornament would cost you: $20.98. Notice that it’s all been birds so far? Whoever wrote this song has a thing for poultry!

5. Five Golden Rings: I may sound cheap, but I found  a set of three plain band gold rings for $7.99. To get five, I’d but two sets for a total of $15.98.

6. Six Geese a laying: Jeez! More poultry! For this I’d go with the Six Geese A Laying coasters: $29.97 but they’re not on Prime, so order them early!

7. Seven Swans a swimming: More poultry! I’m starting to suspect a fetish here. For this I’d order the Seven Swans album  by Sufjan Stevens on vinyl. $19.98 

8. Eight Maids a milking: For this I’d have to go with the Eight Maids A Milking canvas tote bag for $17.95. Chicks dig tote bags.

9. Nine Ladies Dancing: I know where to find nine ladies dancing, but I’m pretty sure my true love doesn’t want to go there, so, on Amazon I’d buy her this mug for $12.96:

10. Ten Lords a Leaping: I’d buy her Ten Lords A Leaping: A Father Christmas Mystery, the novel in hardcover for $25.00

11. Eleven Pipers Piping: I’d choose the Eleven Pipers Piping Christmas ornament for $64.95.

12. Twelve drummers drumming: Yeah, there’s a bunch of ornaments and t-shirts for the 12 drummers drumming, but why not let my true love march to the beat of a different drummer? The book is $9.83. 

So, if you were to shop for the !2 Days of Christmas for your true love using only Amazon, your grand total would be: $399.48. If your true love isn’t happy with that, then it’s time to get a new true love.

Have a great Christmas Eve! ~Phil