Tag Archives: technology humor

I Bloody Love Chips!

The original quote, which I borrowed from the old British sitcom, Miranda, is actually “I bloody love crisps!” Unfortunately, for the purposes of this post, crisps just won’t do because I’m talking about chips, microchips, and those just aren’t good in dip. But apparently they might be good in your arm or neck or where ever!

My cat has a microchip in his neck so that if he ever gets lost and is returned to a shelter or vets office, they will know who he belongs to. In an article in The Independent, (which I obviously read religiously) a Swedish office that employs 400 people offered the opportunity to get microchipped to all of their workers for the purpose of gaining access to the office, using copy machines and buying stuff at the cafeteria. “We already interact with technology all the time,” says bio-hacker Hannes Sjoblad, the “chief disruption officer” at the office block. “Today it’s a bit messy—we need pin codes and passwords. Wouldn’t it be easy to just touch with your hand? That’s really intuitive.”

He does make it sound awfully tempting, doesn’t he? We already have smart watches that record our pulse, steps and sleep patterns and glucose monitoring contact lenses. Many people with certain diseases and medical conditions have technology implanted in their body. Some have entire artificial organs. Let’s face it, we started on the slippery slope to becoming cyborgs or androids a long time ago, so why not embrace it? Soon, after I start selling the Phil Factor microchip, you’ll just wave your hand over your device and it will take you right to #ThePhilFactor. How great would that be, right?

Let’s be honest, as a group we’ve fantasized about having the brains and strength of robots for a long time. Remember the 70’s TV show, The Six Million Dollar Man? “We can rebuild him. We have the technology…Better, stronger, faster”

I know a lot of you are saying,”Phil, this is crazy. None of us wants to be part machine or to have tracking chips in us like a dog.”  Well why the heck not? “Oh, the government will track us. They’ll know where we go and what we buy.”  Guess what folks, the ship sailed on that long ago. And the invasion of privacy argument is gone too. Hell, Netflix and Facebook know more about us than our own relatives!

A Wisconsin technology company, Three Square Market, (which sounds a little too close to Three Doors Down, who unbeknownst to them, have all been microchipped so I can track them for the purpose of avoiding their concerts) is a company that provides technology for break-room or micro markets, has over 50 employees who plan to have the devices implanted. The tiny chip, which uses RFID technology or Radio-Frequency Identification, can be implanted between the thumb and forefinger “within seconds,” according to a statement from the company.

You know what? I’d get microchipped if only to avoid having to remember or write down all the passwords that I need regularly. Seriously, who enjoys trying to remember twelve different passwords that combine upper case, lower case, haiku, Sanskrit and your mother’s maiden name and a special character? A special character? Like from a movie or TV? My drunk uncle is often referred to a special character but I don’t want him knowing my passwords to anything!

In last summer’s movie Suicide Squad, microchips were implanted in the necks of crazy prisoners recruited to go on a dangerous mission to save the world. They were told that if they tried to escape or revolt a button would be pushed and the microchip would explode and kill them. That seems useful if you want to parole someone from prison. Also, if I’m a parent of young kids I would find that idea very useful. The day before all the kids get vaccinations for mumps or something, show them that movie and Voila! They’ll never misbehave again!

It’s inevitable. We’re already halfway down that slippery slope, so let’s embrace it. Microchip implant party at The Phil Factor next week. Who’s coming?

Have a great weekend! ~Phil

 

The Google Self-Driving Car is Going to Be a Big ‘Hit’

Google is widely considered one of the most innovative and forward-thinking companies in the world. With projects like the Google Glass glasses, Google Glucose Sensing Contact Lenses, Google dogs, (yes, Google dogs. Click the link and check it out, it’s pretty cool) , nap pods in the Google offices and the Google Self-Driving Car, the company always seems to be looking out for us with an eye to the future.

sv-car

I love their work. I love the creative innovation. I want to work for them like Vince Vaughn & Owen Wilson did in The Internship. (It’s a very funny movie. You should watch it.) Do you think that Google needs someone to write a humorous blog about their products? I do. What a great way to connect with consumers! People always remember things that make them laugh. Google, you know where to find me.

The-Internship-Soundtrack

So it’s pretty clear that I love all things Google, except one…

When we think of the Google Self-Driving Car we imagine just punching in an address and kicking back while the car takes us to our destination. What could be better than that? We can text, watch TV, or even nap, right? One concern about this futuristic wonder of modern technology is accidents. Google has of course added loads of sensors that will help the car to brake and maneuver to avoid accidents and pedestrians. No system is foolproof however, so this past week Google patented one more thing to add to it’s arsenal of safety features.

Think of the ‘what if’ situation of a self-driving car hitting a pedestrian. If one of us driving our car hit a pedestrian we’d hit the brakes of course. But when that happens the pedestrian sustains two impacts; one when the car hits him and another when he hits the ground. In an effort to avoid the second impact of the pedestrian hitting the ground, Google obtained a patent for what amounts to super strong flypaper for the hood of their cars.

flypaperlead

Yes, the car hits the pedestrian and the struck pedestrian sticks to the hood of the car. Second impact avoided with the ground=less pedestrian injuries. Sounds crazy, but great, right?

Does anyone else see a potential problem with this? What happens if you set your destination for a cross country trip and you fall asleep or lapse into a diabetic coma on the way? You’d show up at your final destination with a car covered in drifters. People, maybe still alive, just stuck to the hood for hours or days!

As a guy however, what a great way to pick up chicks, literally! Instead of Tinder you can use Fender! (Phil Factor patent pending) No need to swipe right, just turn right!

For the police, they’d never have to get out of their car. They’d only have to run down the perps instead of shooting them all the time like they do now.

Ironically Google’s cloud storage is called the Google Drive, and after Google reads this, I’m pretty sure all the files in my Google Drive will mysteriously disappear and my SEO rank will fall behind that magician from L.A.. Don’t worry Google, I still love you and I’ll be the first in line for the Self-Driving Car. Then again, do I have to wait in line to get one or should I just wait for one to come along and hit me?

If you enjoyed today’s Phil Factor please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, re-blog, or Google Plus buttons below. Yes, I do have a Google Plus. Don’t you?

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

TBT! Dumb and …uhh…What’s That Other Word?

Dumb

(5/23/15) I like to think I’m a relatively smart person. Of course I like to think a lot of things about myself which aren’t true, but that’s a topic for another post. (Coming soon to a blog near you, Top Ten Lies I Tell Myself!) If you’re reading this, you’re obviously a very smart person too. (Top Ten Lies I Tell My Readers) Let’s, for a moment, be honest with ourselves. It’s impossible to know everything about everything, right? So sometimes all of us geniuses feel dumb in certain situations. Some more than others of course, but there’s no need to raise your hand right now. If you’re an adult with children and they can make your cell phone do technological cartwheels while you can barely figure out how to text without accidentally calling 911 then you know what I mean.

Admittedly, I had one of those situations where I felt dumb the other night. I know, I know, after putting me up on the pedestal that you have, it must be very upsetting for you to hear this about me. I had to call the cable company for technical support and the conversation went like this:

Me: Hi, umm,..I tried to turn my TV on but it’s doing that thing where there’s a message on the screen and it won’t turn on. Well, it’s on, but there’s no picture.

Tech Guy: Did you turn it off and turn it back on again?

The I.T. Crowd

The I.T. Crowd

Me: Yes. Same thing. It did this once before and the guy told me what to do and I tried that but it didn’t work.

Tech Guy: Hold on. Let me pull up your account. What’s the last four digits of your social security number, your mothers maiden name, the house number of the street you grew up on. No, not that one, the other one, and what kind of car did your fourth grade teacher drive?

Me: Blah, blah blah (gives information) Wait, was it what color was the house my fourth grade teacher lived in? Blue, no, wait, I think it was purple. Hold on, I’m going to try something. I switched the HDMI input and connected the satellite feed into my VHS player. That should work right?

Tech Guy: Ok, I see your account here. Oh, it’s you Mr. Taylor. Just set the remote down and step away from the television. Nope. Don’t touch it. No, that’s too close. Is there another room you can go to? Just wait there. We’re sending a guy out to your house. I’ll stay on the line with you. Just take deep breaths. It’s all going to be over soon.

Me: There’s just so many cords and wires! Why do there have to be so many? Why?!!? I just plugged the coffee maker into my chromecast. That will work, right? Dammit! Why does there have to be so many?

Tech Guy: Calm down Mr. Taylor, try to breath into a bag. There’s no need for tears. Someone will be there soon. (shouts to someone in the background “What the ETA? We’ve got a Code Zulu Banshee here! Code Zulu Banshee!”

Me: (sobbing) There’s just so many. So many wires. So many buttons. Why does there have to be so many? A man should not have to go through this to watch a few Friends reruns! You know Ross is the unsung hero of that whole show. You know that right? Ross fecking Gellar could figure this out! Why can’t I? You know he was a paleontologist before he was 30. That’s not easy. Neither is this. Wait, I think I’m on to something. What is it? White you’re right, red your dead? So if I switch…

download (8)

Tech Guy: Calm down Mr. Taylor. Our guys are at your house. They’re going to come in slowly. Just set the wires and cords down and let them help you. Don’t push any more buttons and this will all be over soon.

Cable company guys rush in and disarm me taking the remote  from my hand. Speaking into a mic on his shoulder “Headquarters, this is Captain Bravo, Tactical Response Team 1.  The scene has been secured. It appears that Mr. Taylor was trying to change channels with his garage door opener. We’ve given him the remote. Situation de-escalated. We’re returning to base.”

So what are the situations you feel stupid in? Do you avoid them? Do you just give up? Do you try to figure them out? The second picture in this post is Chris O’Dowd as Roy from the British sitcom The I.T. Crowd. If you have Netflix, I strongly recommend a weekend binge watch.

See you Saturday! ~Phil