Tag Archives: Google

Fun With Search Terms: The Father’s Day Edition!

Posted on June 17, 2018 | 3 comments

When most of us were kids, Google was our dad. There was no internet or search engines. If you wanted to know something you had two choices: break open that giant set of encyclopedias that your parents bought twenty years ago or ask your dad. Dad was supposed to know everything, right? Only now that we’re parents we know that our parents didn’t know everything and were making all their answers up.

Now though, we can search the internet for answers. Unfortunately, when you ask the internet questions,  sometimes the internet keeps those questions so a blogger can make fun of them later, like now. Today. That is what I’m doing. Here are the funniest/weirdest search terms that brought readers to #ThePhilFactor over the last three months:

Gary Spivey on Trump Impeachment: I will take any opportunity to post a picture of Gary Spivey, Psychic Medium because I’m jealous of his fame and fortune. And hair. We have a lot in common. We have great hair and both he and I have predicted a premature end to the term of he who shall not be named. Also, I predicted I would interview Gary for The Phil Factor this year. He knows it’s going to happen.

MTV music video font: From my old days working on MTV I stole their font and have been using it.

Philthy Animal Old: I take exception to Google deciding that my blog, or me in particular, is the answer to this search term. It’s like Google is mocking me personally.

Funeral Fun: That’s right! Need entertainment for your funeral? Just call 1-800-Phil-Factor! I will emcee with humor and empathy!

“phil factor” bill gates: Yes, I’m the Bill Gates of blogging.

Phil is leaving memes: You’re damn right I’m leaving memes. I’m a meme dropping machine. And I’m sassy.

real sexting conversations to read in hindi: This goes back to a post from 2015 and since I published that, the views and this search term haven’t stopped. EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. That’s ok. You Hindi speaking people feel free to fly your freak flag at The Phil Factor anytime you want. I’m here for you.

Have a great Sunday and Happy Father’s Day to all the Dads out there! ~Phil

3 Comments

Posted in Humor, Uncategorized

Tagged , , , , , ,

Is This A Trumped Up List of Search Terms?

Posted on June 17, 2017 | 17 comments

Our current President might say this list is “Fake news. Sad!” but I would testify to a Senate Intelligence Committee that it’s all the truth. This is my quarterly reminder that whatever you put into a Google search, someone somewhere is going to read it. Quite possibly the Russians, but I swear that I took precautions to ensure that the Russians couldn’t interfere with this list.

10. Worst Tattoos: I don’t think my tattoos are that bad. What? You want to know what my tattoos are? When I get a new blog follower, I go to their profile page and print out their pic and get it tattooed somewhere on my body. If you want to know where yours is, email me. (BTW, I’ve got a few choice spots left. Let me know which one you want!)

9. bulbus nude ass: That may be where my tattoo of you is.

8. Sociopath smell: I thought I smelled like Teen Spirit, but apparently I smell like a sociopath. It’s kind of a sandal wood smell.

7. cool reason to guve up sleep: I think a cool reason to guve up sleep is to read every #ThePhilFactor post ever. Just keep scrolling backward. And call work. You won’t be going in today.

6. psychic will trump be impeached: As the only psychic on this blog I answered this question HERE

5. look at what you did dr. david dao: I’m pretty sure David Dao didn’t do anything. He looks downright lazy there. The airline crew is doing all the work!.

4. stop sending me chain letters: Those aren’t chain letters. You signed up for the emails when I post to my blog. But as long as you’re here, I’m a Nigerian Prince and I have a large sum of money I’d like to send to your bank account.

3. phil government shitdowb: Relax everyone. The Phil Government is just fine. There will be no shitdowb on my watch!

2. phil hindi sex: As much as I enjoy strangers from all over the world wanting very personal information about me, I swear I have never had sex with a hindi. Not that I’m opposed. I’m sure that most of the Hindi speaking people would be fine sexual partners. I think they even wrote a book about it.

1. Queen Amidala on toilet: I’m not sure what’s stranger; that someone searched this topic, or that Google directed them to my blog when they searched it.

Trust me, there were a few worse search terms that I refuse to put on my family friendly blog. The only thing more disturbing than some of these search terms is the spelling and grammar some people use. Obviously many of them don’t google the spelling of what they’re looking up. I hope you have a great weekend! ~Phil

17 Comments

Posted in Humor, pop culture

Tagged , , , , ,

The Google Self-Driving Car is Going to Be a Big ‘Hit’

Posted on May 28, 2016 | 15 comments

Google is widely considered one of the most innovative and forward-thinking companies in the world. With projects like the Google Glass glasses, Google Glucose Sensing Contact Lenses, Google dogs, (yes, Google dogs. Click the link and check it out, it’s pretty cool) , nap pods in the Google offices and the Google Self-Driving Car, the company always seems to be looking out for us with an eye to the future.

sv-car

I love their work. I love the creative innovation. I want to work for them like Vince Vaughn & Owen Wilson did in The Internship. (It’s a very funny movie. You should watch it.) Do you think that Google needs someone to write a humorous blog about their products? I do. What a great way to connect with consumers! People always remember things that make them laugh. Google, you know where to find me.

The-Internship-Soundtrack

So it’s pretty clear that I love all things Google, except one…

When we think of the Google Self-Driving Car we imagine just punching in an address and kicking back while the car takes us to our destination. What could be better than that? We can text, watch TV, or even nap, right? One concern about this futuristic wonder of modern technology is accidents. Google has of course added loads of sensors that will help the car to brake and maneuver to avoid accidents and pedestrians. No system is foolproof however, so this past week Google patented one more thing to add to it’s arsenal of safety features.

Think of the ‘what if’ situation of a self-driving car hitting a pedestrian. If one of us driving our car hit a pedestrian we’d hit the brakes of course. But when that happens the pedestrian sustains two impacts; one when the car hits him and another when he hits the ground. In an effort to avoid the second impact of the pedestrian hitting the ground, Google obtained a patent for what amounts to super strong flypaper for the hood of their cars.

flypaperlead

Yes, the car hits the pedestrian and the struck pedestrian sticks to the hood of the car. Second impact avoided with the ground=less pedestrian injuries. Sounds crazy, but great, right?

Does anyone else see a potential problem with this? What happens if you set your destination for a cross country trip and you fall asleep or lapse into a diabetic coma on the way? You’d show up at your final destination with a car covered in drifters. People, maybe still alive, just stuck to the hood for hours or days!

As a guy however, what a great way to pick up chicks, literally! Instead of Tinder you can use Fender! (Phil Factor patent pending) No need to swipe right, just turn right!

For the police, they’d never have to get out of their car. They’d only have to run down the perps instead of shooting them all the time like they do now.

Ironically Google’s cloud storage is called the Google Drive, and after Google reads this, I’m pretty sure all the files in my Google Drive will mysteriously disappear and my SEO rank will fall behind that magician from L.A.. Don’t worry Google, I still love you and I’ll be the first in line for the Self-Driving Car. Then again, do I have to wait in line to get one or should I just wait for one to come along and hit me?

If you enjoyed today’s Phil Factor please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, re-blog, or Google Plus buttons below. Yes, I do have a Google Plus. Don’t you?

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

15 Comments

Posted in Humor, technology

Tagged , , , ,

Fun with Search Terms: I’m Still Horniest In The Land!

Posted on December 19, 2015 | 15 comments

8465aefa46a8062058e678c06642c110

Sorry that picture is so big. That’s definitely not swaggy, but it relates to the first item on my list. This is my quarterly reminder to you of three things: 1) Whatever you put into a search engine, such as Google, will be read by someone somewhere, 2) For cripes sake, log out of your Google account before doing weird searches, and 3) There’s a whole lot of idiots out there. These are actual search terms that brought people to my blog.

10 people you’d like to punch: Apparently Google thinks I am the answer to this query. If there is any justice in the universe, Justin Bieber is on this list too. Now some search engine somewhere knows I found that picture above.

i’m sinus: The jig is up. Apparently someone found out my superhero identity. I guess just wearing glasses to work isn’t much of a disguise.

the phil factor magic google plus: I do think Google is magical. Google Plus, not so much, but you can find me there.

fortune-cookie-rectal-use-only

my fortune cookie said soon you will be sitting on top of the world what does that mean: It means you should probably stop taking life advice from fortune cookies. Also, pack for a trip to the North Pole.

conversation in hindi between boy and girl while having sex: This was probably a search for my site which is entirely in Hindi. I have the most popular dating advice blog in India.

highest tweets of the phil on 2015: By all means, feel free to follow me on Twitter @ThePhilFactor. Apparently my tweets are gaining popularity.

funny quotes asking to disturb me: I think this pretty much sums up my blog. Think I should make it the new tag line?

341032.1

i don’t want to play candy crush motörhead: In honor of the passing of Philthy Phil Taylor, the drummer of 80’s metal band Motorhead, Candy Crush created a new Candy Crush Motorhead game.

be727a9c05f4f925ef90f0decf39d265

rejected circus peanuts: Who would reject circus peanuts? That’s crazy talk. They should be their own food group and comprise the base of the food pyramid.

top rated packaged meals: Talk about weird. WTF? Why does this bring people to my blog? This hasn’t been a top ten list yet. Do you think it should be? To be honest, I eat like a teenager. I can’t even think of ten meals that don’t begin with Mc

horniestintheland: Some aspire to political office, others to athletic greatness. Me? Well… I didn’t ask for this title but it has apparently been thrust upon me. I fear not the mantle of greatness, I welcome it.

If you think more people should find #ThePhilFactor in Google searches, feel free to share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or reblog buttons below. Have a great weekend! Sincerely, HorniestInTheLand 

15 Comments

Posted in Humor, Social Media

Tagged , , ,

The Magic and Mystery of Google

Posted on September 19, 2015 | 18 comments

eightball

Before I begin my list of some of the most idiotic search terms that have brought people to #ThePhilFactor, I’d like to pay tribute to Google, the search engine that makes it possible. First of all Google, I love you, but you’re getting it wrong. For years I have waged the search engine ranking battle with Phil Factor, a magician from Ranch Cucamonga, California.  My blog, #ThePhilFactor, gets about 200 views a day (thanks to the horny Hindi’s). I can’t imagine that any magician not named Copperfield, Blaine, or Penn & Teller gets more hits than that. And Phil Factor from Rancho Cucamonga is not even the official magician of #ThePhilFactor. Magician James David has been featured here twice, and not just because he bought me dinner once, (although if Phil Factor the magician wants to perhaps surpass that bid with something a bit more lavish, I wouldn’t be opposed).

image

Anyway, back to Google. Even if it only occasionally ranks me ahead of my magical doppelganger, Google is still amazing isn’t it? I’m also amazed and a little creeped out by some of the search terms that bring people to my blog. Then again, I’m sure some of my weird searches in the name of humor have probably had some people somewhere scratching their heads. I wish I had a list of my most idiotic search terms, but I don’t, so here’s a list of some of the weirdest stuff that has brought people to The Phil Factor in the last 90 days.

10. Cheating Amish wives stories: Apparently my site is now the Ashley Madison for the Amish. That’s right Amish hotties, The Phil Factor knows what you need. If you’re really looking for that, here’s AmishDating.com.

9. i’m sinus: No, I’m not, but if you do have sinus congestion, please ask your doctor if The Phil Factor is right for you.

8. there’s no such address as the corner of happy and healthy: If you’re in the U.S. you are no doubt familiar with the term from Walgreen’s ads. Apparently an idiot, probably with sinus congestion, was looking for a pharmacy literally at the corner of happy and healthy.

7. Cartoon poop: The post that featured this picture was one of my most popular this year.

cartoon-poop

6. Instagram photos about worshiping: I have no idea why this brought people to my site, but if you want to worship me on Instagram you can find me @ThePhilFactor. It’s the same on Twitter too.

5. What is The Berenstain Bears conspiracy theory?: The Berenstain Bears conspiracy theory is that Mrs. Berenstain Bear was having an affair with Josh Duggar, the worst human being ever.

4. Sexting conversations to read in Hindi: With about 150 views a day related to this search term, I’m pretty sure that The Phil Factor is now the most popular Hindi dating site in the world.

3. The top 5 most painful things in the world: Apparently Google thinks that reading The Phil Factor is one of them.

levinebeard2

2. Adam Levine beard: Yeah, me and Adam have a history. You can read about it here.

1. HorniestInTheLand.com: Every quarter without fail this phrase/web address is in the list of search terms that bring people to my blog and it’s still one of my favorites. Do you think I should change the name of my blog to Horniest in the Land?

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor and want to see it at the top of the search list on Google, please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

18 Comments

Posted in Humor

Tagged , , ,

Is Big Brother Watching or Are You Watching Big Brother?

Posted on September 20, 2014 | 5 comments

Depending on when you were born one of these two pictures will appeal to you more.

A big sarcastic shout out to WordPress for not making it possible to put these pictures side by side in any reasonable way. Depending on when you were born the phrase Big Brother is either a good thing or a bad thing. For those of us born long enough ago to remember George Orwell’s book, this post is for you because in the internet age Big Brother is truly watching you. The following are the ten best search terms people put into Google during the last 90 days that brought them to my blog:

10. Reasons not to do the ice bucket challenge: Like everyone else on the internet I had a post about the ice bucket challenge titled The Top Ten Reasons NOT To Do the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge. It’s a sad statement on our society that about 1000 times since I wrote that post someone got to my blog hoping to find a reason not to do it.

9. has phil taylor had plastic surgery? Much like the late Joan Rivers I may have had some work done. But hey, I still look pretty damn good for a 87 year old don’t I?

8. sexiest man alive 2014: From your search engine to God’s ears! I’m thinking that this just might be my year.

Sexiest

7. Bradley Cooper hygiene: Brad was on track to play one of The Golden Boys in the movie adaptation of my book White Picket Prisons but because of his hygiene we couldn’t stand to have him on the set any longer. We replaced him with Justin Bieber.

6. robin williams crazy ones cancellation contributary factor: Hey, whoa nellie! Don’t pin the cancellation of Robin Williams last show on me! Now if I could somehow engineer the cancellation of Duck Dynasty I would take full credit for that.

5. phil taylor american idol 2003: No, of course I didn’t win, unless you count me and Kelly Clarkson, if you know what I mean.

4. taylor swift crazy: Did I date Taylor Swift? Did Taylor Swift write one of her breakup songs about me? Is Taylor Swift crazy? Because of a legal agreement with someone I’m not able to comment about, I can’t answer any of those questions. You can connect your own dots. Also I want one specific person who I know is reading this to remember that the restraining order says 500 feet.

3. humorous birthday cards for men bus driver: That’s right! There’s new Phil Factor themed birthday cards for men bus drivers. Check them out at your local Hallmark store!

2. time travel to save john lennon: Ok, sure, I like to dabble in a little bit of science when I’m not writing The Phil Factor. Unfortunately I haven’t found a way to swap Bieber for Lennon.

1. horniestintheland.com: Someone searches that website or the phrase ‘horniest in the land’ and for some reason Google has an odd hiccup that brings them to my blog. I swear. Go try it. I promise nothing bad will happen.

If you noticed the lack of capitalization in all of the search terms, that’s not my doing. That’s exactly how they were typed in by all of you out there. As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor feel free to share by Facebook, Twitter, or reblogging. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

5 Comments

Posted in Humor, Uncategorized

Tagged , , ,

If You Love Honey Boo Boo, You’ll Love…The Phil Factor?

Posted on December 21, 2013 | Leave a comment

This is my new quarterly feature, Fun with Search Terms! You know how when you put in a search term you get pages of related websites? Some are close to what you wanted to find and others not so much. Have you ever worded your search term poorly and gotten some results that made you click your browser closed in horror and go take a shower? This post is my quarterly reminder to be careful what you put into a search engine because somewhere someone knows what you’re looking for.

googleninja

WordPress tracks the search terms that bring people to The Phil Factor. Here are some of my favorites from the last 90 days along with my commentary:

If you love Honey Boo Boo you’ll love: The Phil Factor? Yup, apparently Google thought that my whimsical trailer park wisdom would appeal to the Honey Boo Boo crowd. Jeez, what’s next, Duck Dynasty fans? Speaking of that, just to be clear, I am not the Phil that everyone is so riled up about this week. We’ve suspended him from Phil Club until further notice.

Reasons to hate Oprah: I’m only surprised that someone had to do a search to find reasons. I can think of at least ten off the top of my head.

Cub Scout cult: If I was to start a cult it definitely wouldn’t be with Cub Scouts, and especially not with the scout leaders. The khaki shorts and kerchief outfit gives me the creeps.

Dog drool germs: Apparently Google thinks my blog is the place to find dog drool germs. That’s why I keep Purel over in the left sidebar. On a related note, if you just looked at my left sidebar to see if it was there I strongly suspect you may be one of the people whose search terms end up in this list.

Kid stuck to popes leg: I’m not allowed to comment until the Vatican issues a public statement.

Ted Cruz catheter: Apparently after reading several passages from #ThePhilFactor during his infamous filibuster Senator Cruz laughed so hard that he peed himself.

Etiquette for men peeing outside: Proving that I am a resource of useful information, yes, there is etiquette for men peeing outside and I wrote about it here.

Celine Dion satanic: I don’t believe for a minute that Satan would want Celine Dion hanging around with him. Her music isn’t evil, it’s just bad.

Horniestintheland.com : I don’t know if that’s a real website and I’m afraid to look, but someone found The Phil Factor by entering that search term. Is there a Horniest in the Land contest? If I entered and posted the link here would you vote for me?

People Magazines sexiest man alive year after year: At least Google search thinks of me as The Sexiest Man Alive even if People Magazine keeps getting it wrong.

As always, if you enjoyed The Phil Factor please share it with your friends by hitting the Facebook share button below. Happy Holidays and have a great weekend!

Leave a comment

Posted in Humor

Tagged , , , , , , , ,

Maybe I’m Edward Snowden: Fun with Search Terms

Posted on September 12, 2013 | 2 comments

snowden-russia-waldo-one

Remember how everyone was all upset about Snowden’s revelation that the government could be looking into all our online activity? If it upset you when the government was doing it, I wonder how you’d feel if say…somebody like me was doing it?

Here is a list of some of the best search terms of the last three months that brought people to #ThePhilFactor with my commentary on some of them.

Men with a scorpion tattoo in his ass: I swear this probably isn’t referring to me. In 2011 I  wrote a post called “The Man with the Scorpion Tattoo”

Angry jokes about Candy Crush: This is only a partial list. Sadly, Candy Crush was the most frequent topic that lead people to my blog. They must have been so disappointed. My Candy Crush post from earlier this year is the reason.

Philthy Animal Taylor 2013: People always mistake me for the old Motorhead drummer

philthyfinal

I always feel like Obama watching me: Dude, seriously, lighten up. Obama has bigger things to worry about.

The world can be amazing when you’re a slightly strange author: This one is by far my favorite. I have no idea what algorithm Google has that made it decide I was the answer to this search, but I love it.

Reasons to hate Oprah: Really? Someone needs to look up reasons?

Beware the Canadian Twitter Invasion: This is the title of my favorite post of 2013. It will definitely make it into the sequel to Fifty Shades of Phil

Amish hats cooler: I luv me some Amish!

TSA bicep check: Well of course I was the answer to this search!

Sarcastic birthday cards for an aunt: Hmmm…a Phil Factor line of sarcastic greeting cards. That sounds like a great idea. Cha-ching!

Horniestintheland tumblr.com: I’m not sure whose blog this is, but I just bought the domain name. Just because.

Phil Factor movie: Shhhh….I’m not supposed to say anything until the deal with the studio is finalized.

Drake Justin Phil: I wonder if Drake and the Biebs are looking at their blog info and thinking, “Cool, I was included in a search with Phil!”

First person to beat Candy Crush: I’m not saying I was the first, but I’m not saying I wasn’t. You know how modest I can be.

I’m sorry to have disappointed you if you were looking for my usual Throwback Thursdays post. I’ll return to posting my weekly re-run next week. As always, if you got a laugh out of #ThePhilFactor please check out my books and hit the Facebook and Twitter share buttons below. See you Saturday!

2 Comments

Posted in Humor

Tagged , , , , , , ,

I Always Feel Like Somebody’s Watching Me

Posted on June 8, 2013 | 3 comments

“I’m just an average man with an average life. I work from nine to five.             Hey, hell, I pay the price.  All I want is to be left alone in my average home. But why do I always feel like I’m in the twilight zone? And I always feel like somebody’s watching me, and I have no privacy.” ~ Rockwell 1984

Obama-Small-business-linchpin-of-progress

Yeah, I got your back. All the blogs and news outlets are going with the Orwellian “Big Brother” references but I came up with a little Rockwell to stick in your head all day.  Yes, just for you, Phil Factor fans, I risked covert government monitoring and did a Google search to get the President Obama picture for you.  Do you know why I did that? I did it because President Obama, the National Security Agency, the FBI, and the CIA are the bomb. When I say ‘bomb’ I mean totally awesome of course.

Everyone is upset because The Patriot Act gave the government the right to monitor our electronic communications and they actually went ahead and did it. Guess what? I’m fine with it for two reasons; 1) I find the idea of the government reading my texts & e-mails a lot less intrusive than my plane blowing up. I’d rather someone read my texts than my eulogy. Now that is a great quote. I should copyright that and put it on a t-shirt. You know what’s really cool is that I used the words ‘Obama’ and ‘bomb’ in the same sentence earlier thus guaranteeing I would trip whatever internet monitoring filter the NSA has to search for terror communications. Hello to all the new Phil Factor fans from the NSA reading me today! Please share this around the office. I love what you do. Keep up the good work.

The second reason I don’t care if the government reads all my electronic communications is this:

“Once during a season in which Michael Jordan averaged 37 points he only had 12 three pointers. All season long.”

“He’s an idiot. He tried calling me too but I wouldn’t answer. We tried to tell him.”

“Come home for a few minutes and help us lift couches.”

“Cool you are nearly a geek!”

“Susan Rice at NSA, Samantha Power at the UN: the weakening of America continues…Did somebody say HOPE and Deception?”

Those are some of the texts that have been sent or received by me recently. Oops, how did that last one get in there? That’s from a co-worker who I won’t name so as to protect his privacy. (That’s a text? Jeez! Lighten up Francis.) If the government wants to read all my texts, be my guest. I don’t even want to read them most of the time.  And what about being “spied on” by drone planes? Remember people were upset about that a few months ago? If the government wants to watch me mow my lawn go right ahead, but I’m not taking my shirt off because the guns I’ve got might have to be registered as lethal weapons. (ok, take a minute to laugh and catch your breath) If those drone planes are going to be out and about I’d like to see the government do something useful with them to defray the cost to taxpayers, such as this video of Domino’s using one to deliver a pizza.

I like to keep it light and not drone on too much (pun totally intended. Hoping for a free pizza), so I won’t preach or get too political. Just to entertain you here’s the original Rockwell video we all enjoyed in the 80’s. As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor please hit the Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, or any of the share buttons below.

3 Comments

Posted in Current Events, Humor

Tagged , , , , , , ,