Tag Archives: holidays humor

Ten Reasons To Hate The Holidays

Posted on November 30, 2024 | 5 comments

“You’re a mean one Mister Grinch. You really are a heel. You’re as cuddly as a cactus, you’re as charming as an eel, Mister Grinch. You’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel.”

Yup, that’s me, king of sarcasm and hater of all things jolly. I’m not saying that there aren’t things to love about the holidays. There are plenty, but c’mon, if we’re truly being honest, there are a lot of things to hate about the holidays. Here’s my top ten. (Btw, tomorrow I’ll post Ten Reasons to Love The Holidays.)

10. The holidays mess up our Amazon orders! As much as we all love Amazon, there’s nothing more frustrating than the holiday season when our orders don’t always make it to us on time.

9. Candy Canes? Yes, candy canes are one of the worst parts of the holiday season. They are delicious and I love them, but I also hate them. Candy Canes are so ridiculously sticky that after the first refreshing hit of minty-ness, you realize that your lips and fingers are covered in a demonic sticky substance.

Pic from The Jewish News of Northern California

8. Having two major religious holidays during the same month is confusing! They are both great holidays, but why can’t we have them happen at the same time, or better yet, merge them into one holiday? I never know if I should be saying Happy Hannukah or Merry Christmas. Think about it, Christmas celebrates the birthday of a certain Jewish carpenter, so why not just pick a week and call it HanChristNukahMas? Also, if you want to read an awesomely funny novel about Jesus growing up as a teenager, read Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal.  Before you buy that book, you should read my interview with the author Christopher Moore. One of the nicest people I’ve ever met in my years of blogging.

Pic & recipe can be found at Back To The Book Nutrition

7. The Nog Shortage: Much like the Fall Pumpkin Spice influx, the winter holiday season is everything nog this and nog that. It’s hard to find a beverage that doesn’t offer a nog flavored option. But if you like nog, you’re screwed about 8 weeks later. Apparently nog is such a rare and valuable commodity that it can only be offered for a limited time. I’m going to get rich by drilling a nog well in my backyard and then selling my nog at outrageous prices. I will also have a Nog Blog.

That’s a perfect pic and you can find an article about why we shouldn’t buy gifts for adults HERE

6. Buying Gifts for Adults: I came up with this idea on my own and found the above pic and USA Today column when I looked for a pic to match my Scrooge-like idea. Once you’ve been in a relationship for awhile, haven’t you either bought yourself whatever the hell you wanted to, or bought each other anything you each need. My wife and I just skip gifts and promise to buy each other whatever bauble strikes our fancy on the next vacation.

5. Holiday movies set in southern California: I hate them because the people always look so happy to go outside and hang lights on their palm trees. Jerks. They’re just flaunting their warm weather and lack of snow. If you want a holiday movie to make me happy, how about one where a bunch of So-Cal people are stranded by an avalanche in the Santa Monica mountains and they have to eat each other to survive.

Pic courtesy of Disney, duh!

4. Frozen: I don’t even have a young Disney Princess obsessed daughter and I’m sick and tired of this stupid movie. I’m sick of the songs and the pictures everywhere. I’ve never seen it and I don’t know what it’s about, but enough already! It’s just another Disney movie where the parents are dead right? I challenge Disney to make some movies where they don’t kill parents as a cheap emotional hook at the beginning.

Funniest_Memes_this-food-is-so-frozen_7263

3. Commercials: I’ve never walked out to my driveway to find a car with a bow on it. I’ve seen versions of this commercial since I was a kid, setting me up with unrealistic expectations.  Look, Bill Gates, I know you and your wife donate millions to charitable causes; just once could you skip a few mosquito nets and vaccines and have a Lexus delivered to my driveway?

2. Inconvenience: From now until January 2nd, leaving your house is going to be more inconvenient than usual. Just going out for groceries is now a Herculean task. Everything and everywhere have more people trying to do the same things.

This above scene is happening everywhere all the time right now. What is wrong with people?

1. Santa Claus: And you thought they’re milking the Batman and Spider-Man characters for all their worth? St. Nick hasn’t changed in centuries! Jeez, get that guy a cape and some superpowers. How awesome would that be if he had a nemesis that was out trying to stop him from delivering presents. God has the devil, Batman has the Joker, why can’t Santa have a nemesis?

Please put your holiday pet peeves in the comments. As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor don’t be a Grinch and share it by hitting the Facebook button below. Have a great Saturday and come back tomorrow for Ten Reasons To Love The Holidays! ~Phil

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Posted in Current Events, Humor, pop culture, Uncategorized

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If You Really Like Halloween…

Posted on October 5, 2024 | 9 comments

Pic from iStockPhoto.com

Halloween is coming up and some of us enjoy it more than others. If you’re one of those people, I have good news! There are several Halloween-like holidays all over the world that you can put on your calendar to celebrate the spooky stuff almost all year round.

Pic by Creator: SAEED KHAN

The Yulan Festival-China: Like most good festivals that celebrate the dead, fire has to be involved. The Yulan Festival also known as The Hungry Ghost Festival occurs on the 15th night of the 7th month, which is July. It is believed that on the day of the Yulan Festival, the gates of hell open so that ghosts can roam the Earth in search of food and entertainment.

Entertainment? What kind of entertainment do ghosts want? They watch us all the time. That’s got to be pretty funny. And the ghosts want food too? For cripes sake, I don’t want to spend my after-life trick or treating in the nearest neighborhood. I wonder if they order out for Chinese? Fortunately, in China the living perform rituals and have a feast to appease the spirits. Ok, so we’ve got July and October covered for spookiness now.

Pic from National Geographic

The Obon Festival-Japan/Brazil/California: Another celebrating the dead festival that in some places is actually multiple festivals lasting from June through August. Food, fire, costumes, music and dancing. Who knew someone else’s death could be this fun! Ok, Obon pulled in June, so now we’ve got spooky holidays/celebrations from June through November. November you say? What happens in November? Well…

Smith/Getty Images)

Dia de Muertos-Mexico and neighboring countries. Otherwise known as The Day of The Dead, this celebration occurs from Oct. 31 through the first week of November. The multi-day holiday involves family and friends gathering to pay respects and remember friends and family members who have died. These celebrations can take a humorous tone, as celebrants remember amusing anecdotes about the departed. It’s one of my favorites as evidenced by my sugar skull and tie in the pic below:

So we’ve now got spookiness for five months. Sadly, we do have to skip the month of December to let Hannukah and Christmas to have their time, although I do plan on looking for some spooky Christmas content for you.

Pic from Bildderfrau.De

Walpurgis Night and Beltane: They occur at the same time but in different countries. Walpurgis Nacht (Night) is a German tradition, while Beltane is Irish & Scottish. They do occur on the same dates April 30/May 1.

Walpurgis Night was started to honor Saint Walpurga who was known for battling rabies, whooping cough and witches. Rabies, whooping cough and witches? Those German med school final exams must have been super weird. The night of April 30th into May 1st is supposed to be when the witches gather and ride. Walpurgis Night is celebrated in the Netherlands, Germany, the Czech Republic, Slovakia, Slovenia, Sweden, Lithuania, Latvia, Finland, and Estonia. In Finland, Denmark and Norway

Beltane: Source Nen.press

Beltane? Stuff like that pic above happens in drag clubs all over the states every day. You should see Key West on New Year’s Eve. To be honest, I’ve seen things online about a lot of crazy festivals in Europe, such as the Boom Festival, that I’d love to go to, but that would be a whole other blog post.

Beltane historically has been celebrated in Ireland, Scotland and The Isle of Man. Btw, here’s a shout out to that one Isle of Man Phil Factor reader. I see you showing up in my stats. Don’t be shy! Say hi in the comments.

The Celts see Beltane as the beginning of Summer and it brings back life & fertility. Bel was a Celtic god, and the name Beltane means the ‘fire of Bel’. Fire is central to the celebrations on the belief that it has protective powers. It’s believed that rituals of walking around or leaping over bonfires will bring good fortune, fertility, happiness and third degree burns.

There you go. I’ve given you spooky stuff to celebrate In April, May, June, July, August, September, October and November. That’s 8 different months to get your spooky on. If you know of any other traditions, festivals or celebrations with a spooky theme, feel free to shout out or post a link in the comments.

Have a great weekend, and thanks for reading! ~Phil

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Posted in Current Events, Holidays, Humor, pop culture, Uncategorized

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New Years Eve for Boomers!

Posted on December 30, 2023 | 3 comments

Congratulations! Your Pontiac Fiero has taken you past the threshold of normal adulthood. Now as a bona fide Boomer, you’re faced with the perplexing challenge of navigating New Year’s Eve like an adult adult. (yes, I meant to say adult twice) Fear not boomer-in-training; I’m here to help you gracefully waltz into the new year without tripping over your slip-on Skechers. (BTW, Skechers feel free to contact me if you’d like to sponsor The Phil Factor.)

1. The Wardrobe Dilemma: Pajamas or Actual Pants?

So you invited neighbors Barb and George over for drinks and watching the apple, ball, or sponsored logo drop in Times Square. Now you face the age-old question of what to wear. As a Boomer, the struggle is real—do you opt for the sophistication of actual clothes or succumb to the allure of cozy pajamas? The answer: both. Consider rocking the “business casual on top, party on the bottom” look. That way, when the clock strikes twelve, no matter where you are, you can triumphantly kick your guests out and declare, “I’m ready for bed!” It’s your living room and you can damn well wear whatever you want. Pro tip: pajama jeans! (Also Phil Factor sponsor opportunity available)

Pic from MarketWatch.com

2. Decoding the Art of Adult Conversations

Gone are the days of discussing the latest video games or keeping up with current music. As a Boomer, your conversations now revolve around mortgage rates, the stock market, and the enigma that is Boomering. (Yep, I invented the verb “Boomering” copyright pending.) Navigate the party small talk with poise, dropping gems like, “Have you diversified your investment portfolio lately?” or “Here’s how I get more calcium in my diet…” That’s always a crowd pleaser.

Pic from X.com

3. The Midnight Toast: A Symphony of Wine Glasses

Let’s be honest, we’re probably not staying up until midnight, right? But we can pretend and toast at 10:00. In our twenties, the midnight toast involved questionable shots and clashing beer mugs. Now, as a Boomer, it’s all about the symphony of wine glasses clinking together. Pro tip: choose a wine that pairs well with Boomering, like a robust red that complements the complex flavors of your frustration with the internet and “kids these days.”

4. Crafting Resolutions: From Skydiving to Financial Savvy

While your younger self might have resolved to skydive or backpack across Europe, your grown-up resolutions are more practical. Consider pledging to finally organize your decades old junk drawer, conquer the art of meal prepping, or become a master at assembling IKEA furniture without a single leftover screw.

5. Countdown Contemplations: Balancing Excitement and Responsibility

As the countdown commences, the challenge is to balance the excitement of the impending new year with how much stress you think your heart can tolerate. Take a moment to reflect on your accomplishments, like successfully adulting your way through tax season or paying for your daughters wedding in Maui.

Pic from Insider.com

6. Champagne Popping Mastery: No Eye Injuries, Please!

Boomers pop champagne with the finesse of seasoned sommeliers. Ensure a smooth and injury-free cork release by holding the bottle at a 45-degree angle, gripping the cork firmly, and twisting the bottle—not the cork. Remember, no one wants to start the new year with a champagne-induced black eye. Pro-tip: If you go cheap enough, you can find champagne with a screw cap. Don’t worry, Barb and George won’t know the difference and they may be dozing off on your couch by this time

7. Post-Celebration Recovery: The Hangover Survival Kit

In our twenties, a hangover was a badge of honor. As a Boomer, if we made the mistake of one too many drinks, it’s a serious matter that requires a well-prepared survival kit. Stock up on electrolyte-infused beverages, pain relievers, and a gourmet breakfast delivery service, because pancakes delivered to your door are the epitome of Boomer luxury.

So there you have it—the essential guide for Boomers navigating the temporary, whimsical world of New Year’s Eve. Remember, being a Boomer doesn’t mean losing your sense of humor; it just means you’ve upgraded from partying all night to laughing about it the next day. Here’s to embracing the chaos, celebrating the wins, and proving that being a Boomer can be as hilarious as it is rewarding.

Cheers to Boomering 2024! Thanks for reading ~Phil

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Posted in AARP, Boomers, Humor

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My Lifelong Friend Judy Izzum

Posted on December 7, 2023 | 1 comment

That pic above is the kind of information I didn’t have as a kid. I grew up as a Catholic kid in a middle class neighborhood in upstate New York. So, you would think that if I’m in New York there would be a lot of Jewish people around. You are sadly mistaken.

New York is a pretty big state. There’s upstate and downstate.  Downstate is New York City, Long Island and a couple counties just north of New York City. That whole area is a five hour drive from where I live. The downstate area is filled with many unique, wonderful cultures, and the Jewish community is one of them. The upstate part of New York is more homogenized, although there are some quirky cultural things going on in different places.

This one is available on Amazon

When I grew up, I didn’t think that I knew anyone that was Jewish. I was sheltered.  My Irish Catholic mother was too busy training me to be the next Pope. It wasn’t until I went away to college at 17 that I really discovered the Jewish religion. Many of my college friends were from downstate and chose to go to college upstate.

For me it was fun learning about the Jewish religion from my friends, and I was thrilled one year when my friend gave me a dreidel and taught me the song: “Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel, I made it out of clay, and when it’s dried and ready, oh dreidel we will play.” Thank you my college friend Gary. That song has been in my head every December since we met.

After having many Jewish friends in college and learning what surnames were most likely to be Jewish, I realized that I had had Jewish friends my entire life and just didn’t know it.

As an adult I’ve always craved learning about other cultures and religions because I felt like I grew up very generically.  Go watch That 70’s show. I think the parents in that show were modeled after my parents. In the picture below, I was most likely to be Eric (actor Topher Grace) in the top right.


At the end of the day though, there’s almost really no difference between religions and the people that practice them. Every religion has different repetitive, quirky traditions and every religion in  the world is based on the “magic guy in the sky” premise, so who cares if someone wears a different hat or says a different prayer? At 17 I thought my Jewish friends were this new and interesting novelty when it turned out that I had Jewish friends my whole life.

If I was Jewish, this would be me every December

If I was Jewish, this would be me every December. During the holiday season when Hanukkah and Christmas overlap, it feels like Hanukah doesn’t get the big publicity that Christmas does, and that’s a shame because they have 8 days of one holiday. If that’s not an excuse to day drink, I don’t know what is.

Anyway, I just want to say Happy Hanukkah to all the Jewish friends that I’ve had in my life, even the ones that I didn’t know were Jewish. Now that they know I know, I hope they don’t expect eight presents times the number of years that I didn’t know they were Jewish.

If I could ask my Jewish friends two things: 1. Could you decide on one spelling of your holiday? And 2. Could you make Hanukkah start on the same date every year?

Shalom and Happy Chanukah my friends~ Phil

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Posted in Hanukkah, Holiday humor, Holidays

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Ten Reasons To Hate The Holidays!

Posted on November 26, 2023 | 9 comments

You’re a mean one Mister Grinch. You really are a heel. You’re as cuddly as a cactus, you’re as charming as an eel, Mister Grinch. You’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel.

Yup, that’s me; King of sarcasm and hater of all things jolly. I’m not saying that there aren’t things to love about the holidays. There are plenty, but c’mon everybody, if we’re truly being honest with ourselves, there are a lot of things to hate about the holidays. Here’s my top ten, and in the spirit of a gift that keeps on giving, I’m hoping I’ll mention one or two things you haven’t noticed before and from this day forward you won’t be able to not notice them.

10. Candy canes: They’re sticky. That’s pretty much it. I like the minty flavor, but I can get that in a York Peppermint Patty without my lips, tongue and hands covered in a gross, viscous substance. And they make too many! Has anyone ever eaten all the candy canes they purchase each year? There must be landfills just overflowing with candy canes. If we could make fossil fuel out of leftover candy canes the world would be a better place.

9. The Nog Shortage: All holiday season everything is nog this and nog that. It’s hard to find a beverage that doesn’t offer a nog flavored option. (kind of like the Fall pumpkin spice influx) But, if you like nog you’re screwed about 8 weeks later. Apparently nog is such a rare and valuable commodity that it can only be offered for a limited time. I’m going to get rich by drilling a nog well in my backyard and then selling my nog at outrageous prices. I will also have a Nog Blog.

06-bubblegum

8.  Holiday movies set in southern California: I hate them because the people in them always look so happy to go outside and hang lights on their palm trees. Jerks. They’re just flaunting their warm weather and lack of snow. If you want a holiday movie to make me happy, how about one where a bunch of So-Cal people are stranded in an avalanche in the Himalayas and they have to eat each other to survive.

iStockphoto.com/KonArt

iStockphoto.com/KonArt

7. More traffic: This one’s pretty obvious, but for cripes sake you idiots! Haven’t you heard of the internet? I don’t care how much I love someone, nobody is worth going to the mall for from now until mid-January.

6. Lazy Hollywood folks: All our regular shows go on hiatus and show re-runs for 8 weeks. Seriously? You people make billions off these shows and you only make 10 to 20 episodes a year? That’s only five and a half months of work! When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law stating that every television program is required to produce a holiday special and one other original episode during the months of December and January.

Trust me, I’m not going to Louis Vuitton ever

5.  Lines in every store ALL the time: Yes, this one’s pretty obvious. It’s just a good thing no one sells handguns as an impulse buy item at the checkouts. Then again, I don’t live in the south, they probably do there.

4. Frozen: I don’t even have a young Disney Princess obsessed daughter and I’m sick and tired of this stupid movie. I’m sick of the songs and the pictures everywhere. I’ve never seen it and I don’t know what it’s about, but enough already! It’s just another Disney movie where the parents are dead right? I challenge Disney to make some movies where they don’t kill parents as a cheap emotional hook at the beginning.

Funniest_Memes_this-food-is-so-frozen_7263

3.  Commercials: I’ve never walked out to my driveway or garage to find a car with a bow on it. I’ve seen some version of this commercial since I was a kid, completely setting me up with unrealistic expectations.  Look, Bill Gates, I know you and your wife donate millions to charitable causes, just once could you skip a few mosquito nets and vaccines and have a Lexus delivered to my driveway?

2. Religious differences: It’s hard to believe, but not every religion has their most important, most exciting holiday in December. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m passing a law stating that all religions have to have their biggest holiday at the same time so we can easily sort out the school schedules, sales, and work vacations, Makes sense doesn’t it? And just to show that I’m not Christianity-centric, let’s do it in July in the northern hemisphere and December in the southern hemisphere. That way no one has to deal with snow when traveling to see the relatives in the snow, unless you’re stupid enough to live where there’s always snow.

1. Santa Claus: And you thought they’re milking the Batman and Spider-Man characters for all their worth? St. Nick hasn’t changed in centuries! Jeez, get that guy a cape and some superpowers. How awesome would that be if he had a nemesis that was out trying to stop him from delivering presents. God has the devil, Batman has the Joker, why can’t Santa have a nemesis?

Please put your holiday pet peeves in the comments. As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor don’t be a Grinch and share it by hitting the Facebook button below. Have a great Sunday! ~Phil

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May You Have a Great Month!

Posted on April 23, 2023 | 1 comment

A gathering for May 1 “Eid il Fitr” ,which translates to “When Phil Posts to His Blog”

When people think of “the holidays” they usually think of the November-February stretch that includes many of the popular holidays in the English speaking world. If you look a little further, you’ll see that in both English speaking countries and other countries there are a lot of underrated great holidays that occur in the month of May. I’m going to spend the month posting about and making good natured fun of most of these holidays.

Cinco De Mayo Fiesta on the plaza in Mesilla, New Mexico May 06, 2017. / AFP PHOTO / PAUL RATJE (Photo credit: PAUL RATJE/AFP/Getty Images)

Three of these awesome holidays occur consecutively during the first week of May. I will list them in a poll below and please vote for the one that you want to learn the most about.

Loading poll ...

Whichever holiday is chosen will be the first post in May. If you have one that’s not on the list, please shout it at me in the comments!

Thank you for your participation! ~ Phil

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Posted in Current Events, Humor, Poll, Poll/Survey, Uncategorized

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होली होली टू यूज or Happy Holi To You

Posted on March 29, 2021 | Leave a comment

I’d like to wish a sincere Happy Holi to my Hindu and Hindi friends out there! Thank you for all your views of my blog over the past several years!

Last evening the Hindu holiday of Holi began. It is the annual Spring festival of colors. So, why am I wishing a Happy Holi or होली होली to readers of my blog? Because I have many Hindi speaking readers. Just to be clear though, not all Hindi speaking people are Hindu and not all Hindus speak Hindi, but the majority of each is also the other, got it? Hindi is a language and Hindu is a religion.

So what exactly is Holi? It’s a Hindu Spring festival that celebrates the victory of good over evil and light over the darkness. It is a time of  forgiveness and repairing relationships. Holi is not only a celebration of Spring, it is also a known as The Festival of Love, celebrating the eternal love of Radha-Krishna, the masculine and feminine realities of God. And it involves drinking a lot of Feni, a lot of fireworks, and everyone getting covered in colorful powder.

So why do so many Hindi speaking people read my blog? Because of three posts about हिंदी सेक्स over the last three years my blog has become a hotspot for the Hindi speaking crowd. I imagine that in India there are entire internet message boards dedicated to discussing फिल फैक्टर (Phil Factor). What posts are those? I’m glad you asked:

Real Sexting Conversations to Read In Hindi? 

Hindi Sexting is Back!

How Ron Burgundy Will Save Hindi Sex

The rest of this post will be in Hindi in deference to my many Hindi speaking readers and friends. होली मुबारक! फिल फैक्टर दुनिया का सबसे अच्छा ब्लॉग है! मेरी किताबें खरीदें और आप अपने सपनों के साथ मिलेंगे!

Have a great Monday! ~फिल

#PHIL2024

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