I’d like to wish a sincere Happy Holi to my Hindu friends and Hindi speaking friends out there! Thank you for all your views of my blog over the past several years! For the rest of you, in India Holi is a holiday celebrated much like our St. Patrick’s Day. Different meanings, but similar celebrations.
Today the Hindu holiday of Holi began. It is the annual Spring festival of colors. So, why am I wishing a Happy Holi or होली होली to readers of my blog? Because I have many Hindi speaking readers. Just to be clear though, not all Hindi speaking people are Hindu and not all Hindus speak Hindi, but the majority of each is also the other, got it? Hindi is a language and Hindu is a religion.
So what exactly is Holi? It’s a Hindu Spring festival that celebrates the victory of good over evil and light over the darkness. It is a time of forgiveness and repairing relationships. Holi is not only a celebration of Spring, it is also a known as The Festival of Love, celebrating the eternal love of Radha-Krishna, the masculine and feminine realities of God. And it involves drinking a lot of Feni, a lot of fireworks, and everyone getting covered in colorful powder. (If you click the THIS LINK you can watch a popular Indian TV series about the mythological story on Disney+)
So why do so many Hindi speaking people read my blog? Because of two posts about हिंदी सेक्स. Over the last several years my blog has become a hotspot for the Hindi speaking crowd. I imagine that in India there are entire internet message boards dedicated to discussing फिल फैक्टर (Phil Factor). What posts are those? I’m glad you asked:
The rest of this post will be in Hindi in deference to my many Hindi speaking readers and friends. होली मुबारक! फिल फैक्टर दुनिया का सबसे अच्छा ब्लॉग है! मेरी किताबें खरीदें और आप अपने सपनों के साथ मिलेंगे!
Truth be told, Hindi sexting has never left my blog since a year ago. The post that follows this introduction was written a year ago and not a day has gone by without at least several views of the post through searches. In fact, there are often days where this post is read more times than new original posts. Sadly though the horny Hindi’s don’t leave me any likes or comments.
Real Sexting Conversations To Read in Hindi
(03/28/2015) Over the past three months or so the title of this post has been appearing repeatedly in the list of search terms that brought people to my blog. Hindi is one of the official languages of India, where approximately 94% of the world’s Hindi speaking people reside. I don’t speak or write in Hindi, nor have I ever, yet through some modern miracle of Google technology, sexting in Hindi is apparently what search engines think my blog is about, so I figured what the heck? Why not put it in the title of a post and see if I could make every internet server in India burst into flames simultaneously this morning.
imgur.com & BBC
The title is an attention grabber though isn’t it? You’re reading this, so it obviously worked. The fact that the title has been such a popular search term recently makes me wonder if the entire country of India just discovered the art of sexting. Is there going to be a new Kama Sutra written to include Hindi sexting? No offense to any of my Indian friends or readers, but I’m sorry, I can’t imagine any Indian dudes sounding at all sexy when they’re trying to sext. Go ahead, imagine an Indian accent talking sexy to you. The chicks, of course they would sound great. The dudes, I just don’t see it. Ladies, what do you think? If I think of an Indian guy, it’s Raj from The Big Bang Theory.
Is that the face of smoldering Indian sensuality all you ladies want to imagine? Sorry Kunal. I’m sure you didn’t want to be dragged into this. You’re probably a very nice guy who, being a TV star, has no trouble with female companionship. Or male companionship. I don’t know what you’re into and I probably shouldn’t start rumors among all your countrymen and women who are reading this. Although Kunal, if you are having trouble finding your perfect match here’s a wonderful Hindi dating website that can help you.
Of course now the phrase ‘Hindi dating website‘ will be a popular search term that will pull even more people to #ThePhilFactor, so I might as well try to help out. As long as you’re here Hindi folks, if you’re looking for the love of your life, put your pertinent information in the comments section and maybe another of my Hindi fans will do the same and you two can go out for a froyo and celebrate Holi together. (For you dolts who just thought, “He should have said Diwali”, don’t be idiots. Diwali is in the Fall. Holi is the Indian spring celebration)
That’s a picture from a Holi celebration in India. Looks like fun huh? You can imagine that after a couple glasses of Feni in a crowd like that …..
I’ve got to admit that my humorous mojo was thrown for a loop in the middle of this. I was in the midst of writing it when my entire neighborhood lost electricity, so I’ve been sitting here in candlelight, like the Amish, writing this on my cell phone. Thank Vishnu that I got my coffee made before the lights went out.
As always, if you enjoyed The Phil Factor please share it with your love starved Hindi friends by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or reblog button below. Whatever you do though, please do not sext me in Hindi. सप्ताहांत बहुत अच्छा गुजरे! Come back Saturday to help me celebrate The Phil Factor’s 11th birthday! ~Phil
Before anyone gets their knickers in a knot and lectures me on cultural insensitivity, let me give you a quick lesson. Hindi is language. Hindu is a religion. I’m not talking about the religion, I’m talking about many of the people who speak Hindi, which is the official language of India. It’s possible, and probable that there are Hindu’s who speak Hindi, but it’s also possible that there are Hindi’s who are not Hindu. Got that?
Now on to the subject of how my little blog has become a hotspot for the horny Hindi speaking crowd. Yes, the horny Hindi’s love my blog. It started July 19th, 2014. I wrote this post making fun of sexting. For six months after that post I noticed there were about twenty Google searches a day using the phrase “real sexting conversations to read in Hindi” bringing people to my blog. So, being me, I decided to make fun of this trend, never suspecting what would happen. In March this year I wrote this hilarious post. Not only did that post not deter the horny Hindi speaking folks, but it caused them to multiply. It’s at the point where I get at least 100 views a day of my “Real Sexting Conversations to Read In Hindi?” post. Once, almost two years ago, I had a post go a little viral and it got 17,000 views in one day, but then gradually petered out. This Hindi thing seems to be getting stronger. Last month I got over 6000 view of my blog and more than half of them were looking for information on sexting in Hindi. Normally with 6000 views in a month I’d think “Yaaa! 6000 views! I must be awesome!” But you know what? The horny Hindi’s don’t click like or even leave a comment. आप सभी के हिंदी भाषी लोगों को कम से कम की तरह क्लिक करें या एक टिप्पणी को छोड़ सकते हैं?
I figure I can either delete the post and hope my blog goes back to normal (has my blog ever been “normal”?) and be read by people the world over and appreciated for it’s merits, or I can embrace my wonderful Hindi friends who are embracing their smart phones and their sexuality. I don’t know if you’ve picked up on this, but I’m a giver. I give and I care. In this case, I care for my Hindi speaking readers and I’m going to give them some help. Here are a few popular sexting phrases, courtesy of the great romantic film Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, translated into Hindi so that my visitors can improve their game:
Ron Burgundy: You have an absolutely breathtaking hiney.
Ron Burgundy: I don’t know how to put this but I’m kind of a big deal. People know me. I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.
Hindi: मैं इस डाल करने के लिए पता नहीं है, लेकिन मैं एक बड़ा सौदा की तरह कर रहा हूँ। लोग मुझे जानते हैं। मैं बहुत ही महत्वपूर्ण रहा हूँ। मैं कई चमड़े बाध्य किताबें हैं और मेरे घर अमीर महोगनी की बदबू आ रही है।
You know that somewhere, one Hindi speaking dude is going to read this, share it with his friends and they’ll spend the next five years texting these lines to girls. For my English reading friends, I will return to my regularly scheduled idiocy on Monday. For all my wonderful Hindi friends, एक टिप्पणी छोड़ दो और फेसबुक पर साझा करें Have a great weekend! ~Phil
*All Ron Burgundy and Anchorman images and quotes property of Dreamworks Pictures.
Self-proclaimed grand poobah of leisure and author of humorous suspense novels The Sneaker Tree & White Picket Prisons, the humor essay book Fifty Shades of Phil and the long running blog The Phil Factor.