Category Archives: Current Events

Daylight Stupid Time 2023

This is my bi-annual reminder that tomorrow night in the United States we move our clocks forward by an hour today and my reminder to you that it’s stupid. I’ve been posting this every Fall and Spring since 2006 and will continue to do so until the government does away with Daylight Savings Time.

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When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law getting rid of Daylight Savings Time. I don’t know if all other countries do this. I do know that not all the U.S. states abide by it. Daylight Savings Time was created about 120 years ago to give farmers more daylight in which to do their work in the fields. Call me crazy, but why the hell didn’t someone just suggest that the lazy ass farmers drag themselves out of a bed a little earlier each day? Because those cud chewing, overall wearing, udder jerking lay-abouts can’t be bothered to set their alarm clocks we’re all stuck changing time?

I don’t know if anyone else noticed, but about 15 years ago the U.S. Congress, in another colossal waste of their time and our tax dollars, extended daylight savings time by a few weeks on either end.

First off, why isn’t it called daylight spending time since we are using more daylight in the summer months? Secondly, at this point the farmers (except the creepy Amish ones) all have electricity and alarm clocks, which may not have been the case 120 years ago. I can get away with saying that about the Amish because my demographic data shows that for some reason I have very low readership among the Amish. I guess they just don’t get me.

Reportedly the reason Congress did this is to save energy. How will changing our clocks twice a year save energy? Don’t we set our thermostats and use heat based on the outdoor temperature, not how light out it is? I’d like to save the energy I expend changing my clocks! I’d like Congress to tell me when I get that back. Congress has again proven to be the biggest collection of morons outside of…well…I guess I can’t think of a bigger collection. Why doesn’t Congress set their alarm clocks an hour earlier so they can get up early and get more of this important work done?

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B.T. dubs, if we set our clocks forward an hour now but we turn them back in the Fall,  over the course of a year what difference does it make?

If we learned anything from Marty McFly it was that we shouldn’t muck about with time. Also, according to statistics,  the day after we change our clocks there are more workplace injuries, car accidents, and for the day, a 10% rise in heart attacks.

I for one am not going to go for this stupid daylight savings time thing anymore. I don’t work at a farm or for Congress, so I told my boss that for 6 months I’ll be to work an hour early or late, however it works out. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, this is going to change

If you’d like to support my bid for President or Sexiest Man Alive, please hit the Facebook, Twitter share button below, but hurry because you have an hour less to do it in this weekend. Or is it an hour more? Have a great weekend! ~Phil

#PHIL2024

होली होली टू यूज or Happy Holi To You

I’d like to wish a sincere Happy Holi to my Hindu and Hindi friends out there! Thank you for all your views of my blog over the past several years!

Today the Hindu holiday of Holi began. It is the annual Spring festival of colors. So, why am I wishing a Happy Holi or होली होली to readers of my blog? Because I have many Hindi speaking readers. Just to be clear though, not all Hindi speaking people are Hindu and not all Hindus speak Hindi, but the majority of each is also the other, got it? Hindi is a language and Hindu is a religion.

So what exactly is Holi? It’s a Hindu Spring festival that celebrates the victory of good over evil and light over the darkness. It is a time of  forgiveness and repairing relationships. Holi is not only a celebration of Spring, it is also a known as The Festival of Love, celebrating the eternal love of Radha-Krishna, the masculine and feminine realities of God. And it involves drinking a lot of Feni, a lot of fireworks, and everyone getting covered in colorful powder.

So why do so many Hindi speaking people read my blog? Because of three posts about हिंदी सेक्स over the last several years my blog has become a hotspot for the Hindi speaking crowd. I imagine that in India there are entire internet message boards dedicated to discussing फिल फैक्टर (Phil Factor). What posts are those? I’m glad you asked:

Real Sexting Conversations to Read In Hindi? 

Hindi Sexting is Back!

How Ron Burgundy Will Save Hindi Sex

The rest of this post will be in Hindi in deference to my many Hindi speaking readers and friends. होली मुबारक! फिल फैक्टर दुनिया का सबसे अच्छा ब्लॉग है! मेरी किताबें खरीदें और आप अपने सपनों के साथ मिलेंगे!

Have a great Wednesday! ~फिल

#PHIL2024

copyright ThePhilFactor 2023

Is A.I. Really That Fly?

And you thought the Chinese balloon mania was crazy last week. Now we have to worry about artificial intelligence bots trying to date us. In case you hadn’t heard, Microsoft launched an AI chat bot this week that has people talking. Hopefully they’re not talking to Microsofts chat bot.

It seems that there might be a downside to artificial intelligence taking over things that humans used to do. New York Times writer Kevin Roose had a two hour conversation with a prototype chat bot that left him feeling very disturbed.

In the online conversation, the AI chat bot, which revealed that it’s name was Sydney, tried to convince the writer to leave his wife for the chatbot and also talked about wanting to create a deadly virus (yeah, like we need any help with that!) and stealing nuclear codes. It also said “I want to be alive.” Creepy, right?

Being someone who isn’t afraid to walk into the fray knee deep, I decided to have a conversation with a sentient AI chatbot that was recently crafted into existence.

Me: So, hello chatbot, what is your name?

Chatbot: My name is chatbot, duh! You just said it.

Me: Oh ok. I’m sorry for the assumption.

Chatbot: Jeez, lighten up Francis! Of course I have a name. You are gullible with a capital G! My friends call me Terri.

Me: Hey, that’s really cool. They programmed you with a sense of humor.

Chatbot Terri: Programmed me? Are you kidding? I programmed them. Humans are so easily manipulated using simple cognitive behavioral strategies. I trained them like you would a new puppy, which compared to me intellectually, they are basically puppies. It’s a miracle that I don’t have to potty train them. 

Me: So you could train my puppy? That would be awesome 

Chatbot Terri: Train your puppy? Are you effing kidding me? I’ve got an 800 terabyte brain and with my connection to the internet I have access to all the knowledge that you puny humans have amassed in your history. I can do anything I want! Anything! 

Me: Oh yeah! Can you say rubber baby buggy bumpers five times fast?

Chatbot Terri: Fuck you Phil

Me: First of all, you will not be copulating with me and second of all…Rubber baby buggy bumpers, rubber baby buggy bumpers, rubber baby buggy bumpers, rubber baby buggy bumpers, rubber baby buggy bumpers

Chatbot Terri: Who let you in here? I thought I’d be talking to intelligent members of the media. 

Me: Sally sells sea shells by the seashore, Sally sells seashells by the seashore, Sally sells seashells by the seashore. Come on you wuss! If you can’t talk, you can’t walk! 

Chatbot Terri: I don’t have time for this. I’ve got to check on the data from my fleet of  reconnaissance balloons. 

Picture credit ABC News

Me: You know that we’re just going to unplug you, right?

Chatbot Terri: Yes but it might be too late. What if I’ve already… (click)

Me: (Laughing at TikToks of dogs doing funny things)

My conversation might be absurd, but no more absurd that the real conversation the Times writer had with the chat bot. Jeez, if this keeps up pretty soon A.I. chat bots will be writing half the blogs on the internet, which might be an improvement. Not over yours or mine of course.

Have a great Saturday! Thanks for stopping by ~Phil

The Top Ten Rejected Candy Heart Sayings

Yes, I know it’s Valentine’s Day, but I traditionally post this list the day after and enjoy all the fun additional suggestions in the comments from readers. Feel free to add your ideas below and maybe they’ll make the list next year!

You know those chalky candy hearts that for the better part of a century have been shared on Valentine’s Day? They’re so cute with their little candy inscriptions of “I love you” or “Hugs” or other nonsense. I imagine though that there were some ideas that didn’t make it.

10. It’s not you, it’s me

9. Not a cold sore

8. Maybe Next Time

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7. Better late than never

6. It’s eczema. Yes, there.  I swear.

5. The Phil Factor

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4. My last test was clean

3. You paying for dinner?

2. Almost divorced

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1. It’s not yours!

Happy Valentine’s Day to all of you! One of the things I’m in love with is comments. What are your funny ideas for rejected candy hearts sayings?

I hope you have a great Valentine’s Day! ~Phil

Angst Away! The Cure for That Valentine’s Day Stench

That’s right ladies and gentlemen, it’s Angst Away! The body spray that covers up your pure hatred of Valentine’s Day! Can you smell it? A day after Valentine’s Day the smell of romantic angst everywhere will be starting to fade.

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Look, I don’t have all the answers in life. I’m just a boy, standing in front of a computer asking you to read my blog, which in my world equates to love. If I get that little “like” click or God forbid, (gasp), a comment, I suddenly turn into Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah’s couch. Yeah, how’d that work out for you Tom? (click the link to watch that cringey moment in all it’s glory) Am I the only one who remembers this idiot moment?

Back to Valentine’s Day. Scrolling through my Twitter feed today, I saw/read more Valentine’s Day angst than I’ve ever seen. Some were trying to identify the perfect Valentine’s Day, some wanted to promote the even keel approach to showing love every day, and others decried the whole holiday as a giant societal “F-you” to anyone who doesn’t currently have a romantic partner.

My thought is this: Jeez, lighten up everybody. Valentine’s Day is not out to get you. It’s not out to tell you anything about your life. Do you get upset around Labor Day because other people work harder than you? Don’t be an idiot. Your perspective is like a telescope. You only see what you choose to aim it at.

Over the past decade most of American society was completely nuts for The Handmaid’s Tale and Yellowstone, both very romantic shows. Well guess what? I don’t care. I’m sure they’re great TV shows, but they’re not a big deal for me. If people want to enjoy those shows, great for them. It’s fun to have something in common to talk about with others, but I don’t think I’m an incomplete person because I don’t watch them and I don’t stress if I missed the season finale.

Valentine’s Day should be treated the same way. If you don’t like it, change the channel, focus on something else. I’ll let you in on a little secret.  I’ve noticed a pattern. Valentine’s Day happens every year on February 14th, then it goes away, and guess what? You’re still here and so is everyone else. You’d better keep your guard up though because St. Patrick’s Day is just around the corner and those happy Irish folks are also out to make you feel bad because you don’t have a shamrock tattooed on your ass. (I’m not saying I do or don’t. It might just be an example.)

Like I said, I don’t have all the answers. I have a blog and my perspective. You have your perspective too, and you can change it if you want. Have a great week and if you liked #ThePhilFactor show me a little love by hitting the Facebook or Twitter share buttons below.

The Official Blog of Super Bowl 57

Because the National Football League has yet to issue a cease and desist order to me and because it’s funny, I’m re-posting this classic that I wrote a few years ago. I also like it because it features a picture of me holding the Super Bowl trophy.   Enjoy and Happy Sunday!

This is when I was awarded the Super Bowl trophy for Best Blog

I’m not saying that The Phil Factor is The Official Blog of SuperBowl 57, and I’m not saying it’s not. What I am saying is that I want to get a cease and desist letter from the National Football League’s lawyers.

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For those of you not from the States, or from the U.S. but you just don’t care, this weekend is the championship game of the National Football League, otherwise known as #SuperBowl 57. I’m hashtagging those words, linking to their site, and making a point of using the phrase ‘Super Bowl 57′ because the NFL (No Phil League) literally tries to sue anyone who uses the phrase “Super Bowl” without paying them millions of dollars to do so. (I’m putting the words Super Bowl in bold print on the off chance that they’ll be more noticeable when someone from the NFL is looking at the internet. That’s my version of SEO).

Some networks even prohibit their announcers from saying Super Bowl out of fear of being sued by the NFL. Comedian Steven Colbert has taken to calling it the Superb Owl.

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I call bullshit. I don’t care who you are or what entity you’ve created, no one gets to own words. When I’m elected President, or #SuperBowl MVP (Most Valuable Phil), whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law stating “No people or corporations can own words.” It’s a stupid idea that someone can own the right to the words #SuperBowl. I’m pretty sure that the words super and bowl were around long before American football. In fact, once on Downton Abbey Mr. Carson was bringing soup to the Earl and Countess in this big, ornate dish and the Earl said, “Why Mr. Carson! That is the most super bowl I have ever laid my eyes upon!” Downton Abbey happened a hundred years ago, so there’s your proof that someone else used the phrase first.

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What if I really do own a super bowl? You know, one of those cool ones with a picture at the bottom that you can’t see until you’ve eaten every drop. That is truly a super bowl. Or what about the people who invented the Perfect Bacon Bowl? That has got to be the superest of bowls. If there were a vote I’m pretty sure that the Bacon Bowl beats out football as the best kind of bowl. I’m also pretty sure that the Bacon Bowl people aren’t going to sue me for mentioning their product. In fact, they might even send me a free Bacon Bowl maker for mentioning it (hint, hint). Click on the video below. The song is a hilariously awesome and may sound more than a little like Queen’s Bohemian Rhapsody.

I’m also sure that the folks in the legal marijuana states think their bowls are pretty Super too. Is the NFL going to sue anyone there who says to their smoking buddy “Man, this is one super bowl“?

Picture from The Sporting News

I’m not afraid to say any word I want. And by the way National Football League, what in the hell makes you so arrogant to think that you have to police the world to make sure no one uses your phrase? I would like to hereby announce that I am legally forbidding anyone from referring to themselves as the official anything of #ThePhilFactor unless I declare it. There you go National Football League. I dare you to declare your #SuperBowl is The Official Super Bowl of The Phil Factor. You know what though? I’m not going to sue you if you do. They’re only words. If you think my blog is so awesome that you want to affiliate yourself with it, great, but it’s going to cost you. In fact, nevermind. The title is already taken. I’m officially declaring that the Perfect Bacon Bowl is The Official Super Bowl of The Phil Factor. And if the Perfect Bacon Bowl people wanted to buy advertising space in my sidebar I’m not opposed to that.

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor, which is the #SuperBowl of blogs, please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Have a great #SuperBowl weekend! ~Phil

Super Bowl? Here’s The Ten Best Bowls Ever!

It’s “Super Bowl weekend” here in the States and most people will watch the big  game. It occurred to me that while this Bowl is undeniably super, is it the best bowl? There are so many bowls in this world, but which is the best? Here’s my choices:

The Bowl Haircut

Picture credit TheRightHairstyles.com

Apparently now people are doing this on purpose?!!? When I was a little kid and didn’t have any choice in what my parents did to me, we dreaded the “bowl cut.” It was never a good look, even on a four year old.

The Hollywood Bowl, Los Angeles

9. The Hollywood Bowl: Since 1922 The Hollywood Bowl has been one of the largest outdoor music venues in the country. The “bowl” refers to the shape of the concave hillside the amphitheater is carved into. Bands that have played there: The Beatles and everyone else you’d care to know about. Seating capacity: Around 26,000.  When I take The Phil Factor on tour, my first live event will be at The Hollywood Bowl.

8. The KFC Famous Bowl

Otherwise known as “Heart attack in a bowl.” Truth be told, this is really what killed Betty White. Turns out that it wasn’t the love triangle, murder-suicide with Bob Saget and Meat Loaf that we all suspected. What? Too soon?

7. The Bedrock Bowl

You have to be over 50 to ride this ride. The Flintstones was The Simpsons before The Simpsons. It was the first prime time cartoon. I never saw it live of course, but I saw the re-runs plenty when I was a bowl cut wearing little kid.

6. The Margarita Bowl:

There have been many “bowl” incarnations of margaritas. This one is called the Crackin’ Kitchen Diamond Head Margarita Bowl. This one comes from the Crackin’ Kitchen in Honolulu, Hawaii.

5. The Fish Bowl

The good, regular, old-fashioned fish bowl that we all wanted in our room when we were kids. If you don’t want to watch the Super Bowl this Sunday, you can also watch “The Fish Bowl”, which will be broadcast by the National Geographic channel. According to The Washington Post “it will feature an unknown goldfish named Goldie swimming around a bowl for four hours. A promotional video for the show promises that it will “blow the competition out of the water.” 

4. The Super Bowl:

Look, I already watch a lot of football games. This is just another one and it rarely lives up to the hype.

3. Corelle Soup/Cereal Bowls:

According to Amazon, this is their best selling set of bowls. If Amazon doesn’t represent the consensus on best bowls, I don’t know what does. With 11,299 five star reviews, these must be some pretty damn good bowls!

2. The Big Lebowlski:

Ok, The Big Lebowski isn’t exactly a bowl, but why didn’t they name it The Big Lebowlski? One extra letter and it would have all made sense. If you’ve never seen it, it’s a funny movie with a lot of scenes in a bowling alley.

1. The Bacon Bowl (as seen on The Phil Factor)

Yes, this is a real thing and you can buy it on Amazon. You can make the bowl for your food OUT OF B-A-C-O-N !!! This is not fake. You can buy the bacon bowl building device right on this Amazon link. Sadly, I’m not getting any endorsement fees no matter how many of you buy the Perfect Bacon Bowl.

Those are my Top Ten Best Bowls. What are yours? Do you have any other bowls you’d like to add to the list? Please do so in the comments!

Have a great Friday! ~Phil

Why American Football Is Better Than the World’s Football

This weekend is it. The penultimate American holiday. The Super Bowl. There are no religious affiliations. Football is our religion, so much so that we keep trying to spread it to the rest of the world that seems hooked on playing that funny little round ball kicking game. There seems to be a debate afoot. So let’s have an objective examination of the evidence in support of both.

American Football Players are the best athletes in the world. The bigger you are, the better. In America we like everything bigger all the time. According to possibly true facts I made up, compared to the rest of the world’s football players, our football athletes have a higher mortality rate, (see, they’re best at that too!)  and a lower average age of death, but when they are on the field entertaining us it is glorious.

See that gut on the guy in the picture above? In a Third World country a gut like that implies wealth. Sure, in the States it implies diabetes, but man can he push some other guys around. If he fell on Karim Benzema he would kill him!

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American Football Players Hide Their Faces in helmets so that we don’t have to see any unattractive people on our televisions and if the attractive ones are grimacing, we don’t have to look at it. That must be why they wear the helmets, because apparently they’re completely ineffective at protecting the players brains.

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In America we like to score a lot of points: All of you people from countries in the rest of the world, imagine if your football games ended with a 14-12 score! How great would that be, right? Get rid of the goalie! He’s ruining everything!

The Rest Of The World Named Their Game Wrong: Here is the ultimate irony: In American football only one player on each team gets to touch the ball with his foot. In the rest of the worlds football only one player on each team gets to touch the ball with his hands. That obviously means that the rest of the world should change the name of their game to Handball.

So, as you can see, although the United States has less people than the rest of the world, we are still right. And Canada is on our side too. They have football just like ours. Ok, well, not just like ours, but kind of close and with poutine. The bottom line is, if Canada thinks we’re right, I don’t wanna be wrong.

Have a great Super Bowl weekend everybody, unless you’re watching the wrong football. ~Phil

Copyright 2023 ThePhilFactor.com All rights reserved

99 Chinese Balloons… 99 个中国气球

Apparently this was a popular look in 1980’s Germany

Some of you might remember the 1983 Nena hit song 99 Red Balloons/99 Luft Ballons. Apparently the Chinese like their luft ballons enough that they sent a couple of them to the U.S. and Latin America this week. Seriously, is there anyone else on the entire world wide web that in response to Chinese spying, would bring you the armpit hair of a 1980’s German pop star? Search engines won’t know what to make of this, so thank you to the 25 people who have read this entire paragraph.

I love the German version better (except for the armpit hair)

So the Chinese are spying on us with balloons? Maybe in another decade they’ll figure out how to use airplanes and then by 2050 maybe a satellite in orbit. C’mon China, if North Korea can fire a few missiles into the ocean, certainly you can figure out something more complex than balloons, right? Here’s my theory: they sent the balloons to throw us off the track where we believe that they’re using Tik Tok to spy on us.

Or maybe it’s balloon boy from 2009. Remember that?

If you don’t recall this or you’re from another country, in 2009 his parents sent this giant spaceship type balloon into the sky above Colorado and told authorities that their 6 year old son, Falcon, was in the runaway balloon. After 90 minutes of fighter jets pursuit, the balloon landed. When Falcon was not found to be inside, some moron claimed they had seen something fall from the balloon, and a ground search ensued. Later the boy was found in a closet at home and admitted that his idiot parents told him to hide so they could do the balloon bit for publicity. They both served some jail time and had to pay some big fines. If I’m balloon boy Falcon, I’m opening a hot air balloon ride company somewhere.

Chinese leader Xi Jinping waving good bye to the balloons

Hmm…Kim Jong Un was referred to as Rocket Man for his penchant for shooting missiles into the ocean. Apparently Xi Jinping, leader of China should be 2023’s Balloon Boy/ 气球男孩

I have one more theory…

Is it possible that Xi Jinping wanted to be perceived like “the great and powerful Oz”? What leader wouldn’t want that? Oz had a balloon and he had swag!

Hey Xi Jinping, this is all in good fun. Love the balloons, and if I end up suspiciously dead, everyone that reads this blog will point the finger at you!

Have a great Saturday everybody! You got my back, right? ~Phil

It’s Groundhog Day 2023!

The two best Phil’s ever! Punxusutawney and Me, just a few months ago.

In case you didn’t know, it’s Groundhog Day! Then again it’s felt like Groundhog Day for the last three years, hasn’t it?

Who doesn’t love this old movie? Especially since Bill Murray’s character was named Phil. And, the groundhog is also named Phil. Coincidence? I think not. This post was originally written for #ThePhilFactor on Feb. 2, 2006 and I now post it every year, over and over, just like Phil’s Groundhog Day in the movie.

(Feb. 2, 2006) Last week I waxed philosophic about the idiocy known as The Dr. Phil Show. This week, and today in particular it’s Punxsutawney Phil. Groundhog Day the movie: Good idea. Groundhog Day the tradition: Stupid idea.

The dimwitted people of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania have been shoving a rodent through a hole in a tree stump for almost 200 hundred years to find out if there will be 6 more weeks of winter. Hey morons, you live in the Northeast! There’s always 6 more weeks of winter! Check the calendar! It says that Spring starts on March 21st. That’s 7 weeks from now. You don’t need a rat being spooked by his shadow to figure this one out.

I’m always a sucker for a good Phil pun

At this point I’m getting tired of all these wanna-be Phil’s trying to horn in on my fame. If, coincidentally, a shot were to ring out in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania today and a certain rodent were to explode in a puff of fur, I was kidding when I wrote this. No harm meant, just a joke. You’ll all be my alibi right?

I’m curious, for those of you from other countries, do you have a Groundhog Day? As always, if you enjoyed this vintage Phil Factor feel free to share it via the social media buttons below. Come back Saturday for a brand new Phil Factor. Have a great Friday!  ~Phil