Tag Archives: Bieber

Throwback Thursday! It’s A Bieber World After All

(july 26, 2014) Wow. That is one pretty girl next to wheelchair-bound Justin Bieber!  Turns out it is a Bieber world after all and we’re just living in it. If you just got a panicked feeling and shouted “What? Justin’s in a wheelchair?” then you must be a Belieber.  And why wouldn’t you be?

BieberWheelchairPhil

The Biebs again proved how awesome he is by using Disneyland’s policy of allowing those in wheelchairs to go to the front of the line of rides and attractions. He claims he “tweaked” his knee playing basketball.  So in spite of his great pain and suffering, the benevolent Bieber allowed his handlers to wheel him past families and children in hours-long lines so they could get a good look at their hero. Seriously, how many celebrities take the time to do that for their fans. I was so impressed that I decided to write a song about him.

When Bieber Jumped the Queues (sing to the tune of Janis Joplin’s Me and Bobby McGee click link for video

Busted flat in Disneyland, waiting for a train
And I’m feeling jaded and mean.
Bieber thumbed a wheelchair down just before it rained,
And rode it all the way to the front of the lane.I pulled my hair from my head and said “That took no time!”,
I was fuming soft while Bieber jumped the queues.
Biebers handlers slapping fans, I was holding Bieber’s picture in mine,
We sang every song that Bieber knew. Bieber’s just another nerd turned into a kid who drinks the booze,
Nothing he does, nothing’s funny if it ain’t Bieber, now now.
And feeling good was easy, when Bieber jumped the queues,
You know feeling good was good enough for me,
Good enough for me and my Bieber, baby.
From the Canadian sticks to the California sun,
Hey, Bieber shared the secrets of my soul.
Through all kinds of weather, through everything that we done,
Hey Bieber baby kept me from acting old.
Ok, that was awful, but the main reason for this whole post was just to put that picture there. If you’re not from the States and don’t know the song, I apologize.  The phrase ‘Me and Bieber McGee’ has been stuck in my head since Thursday. What I really need is my friend Marissa Bergen, who is both brilliantly poetic and musical to take the idea and make a music video  like she did with a parody of Radiohead’s Creep. Have a great Thursday! Please don’t share this. It’s just terrible. ~Phil

Throwback Thursday! The Man Who Would Be Bieber

(03/22/14) This is a classic and creepy one.

First off, I have to apologize to my readers for having missed this story last fall. Secondly, I have to apologize for including it on my blog at all.

No, despite my obvious boyish charm I do not strive to be Bieber-like. Thirty-three year old German-born songwriter Toby Sheldon, pictured on the left above and now living in the United States, does. He has spent roughly $100,000 on plastic surgery to look as much like the Biebs as possible. It’s not just him though. If you Google you’ll find dozens of pictures of people that have had plastic surgery to look like their favorite stars. Then you’ll find dozens of pictures of their favorite stars who have had plastic surgery to try to reclaim the beauty of their youth. That’s what Toby Sheldon claims as his motivation; the pursuit of a youthful look.

Maybe I should I have titled this The Pursuit of Youthfulness or Youth is Wasted on the Young. If I had though I’d get half as many views. The Bieber may be a colossal asshat, but his name pulls readers to my blog like nobody’s business. Bieber may be the dumbest rich person in the world, but he does have a youthful look. Hey Toby Sheldon, guess what? It’s because he is young, you moron. You’re in your 30’s. I can’t blame Toby too much though. I may not want to look like the Biebs, but I wouldn’t mind looking younger. Like most men, I have the Peter Pan Complex, which is every man’s desire to be portrayed on Broadway by Sandy Duncan.

It used to be that men’s Peter Pan Complex was the result of incongruity between our minds and our bodies. As women will attest, men stop maturing when they’re about seventeen years old. We look in the mirror with our seventeen your old brains and see a forty year old with gray or no hair, crows feet and no discernible abs to speak of. The cognitive dissonance is jarring. Now, our Peter Pan Complex is media driven.

You can’t turn around without seeing a magazine cover or commercial with some shirtless twenty-five year old actor or athlete who only has 2% body fat and a 28″ waist. When I was younger there was no pressure for men to look perfect. When I was a kid the professional athletes and actors were completely out of shape. They smoked and drank and had beer guts and still got the girl. There was no standard to live up to. Now our wives are all ogling these statuesque dudes on TV that we can never look like because we actually have full time jobs that don’t involve working out. Then on top of everything else, you’ve got Vladimir Putin posting shirtless pictures everywhere. He runs a frickin’ country (maybe two now) and he’s out hunting shirtless! I can’t compete with that.

It is so unfair and unrealistic how men are portrayed by the media. You women just don’t understand what we’re going through.

I wonder how that guy is doing now. As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please share by the Facebook, Twitter, or Re-blog button below. Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

Picture credits: vnews24.it, funnyordie.com

The Problem People: Are You One?

I am not a Problem Person, but you might be and not even know it. See the guy in the picture?

 (Photo by Jeff Kravitz/FilmMagic)

(Photo by Jeff Kravitz/FilmMagic)

He’s a Problem Person. Rule of thumb: If you show up anywhere with a monkey on your shoulder, you’re a Problem Person. (The exception being when you work for a zoo and Jimmy Fallon invites you on his show to display exotic animals)

Most Problem People don’t know they’re Problem People: The official definition of Problem Person: Any person who through laziness and/or ignorance chooses to use exponentially more time and resources of others than is warranted. In most cases the problem usually can be solved with a little common sense and personal initiative. Next I’ll give a few examples of Problem People that you may know, or be.

ihateworkinginretail.ooid.com

ihateworkinginretail.ooid.com

The Supermarket Problem Person: At the deli this person is unaware of the “take a number” system and just walks up to the counter and barks out their order. She needs six different kinds of meats but she wants the turkey shaved thin, the roast beef thick and the free range chicken sliced just like the restaurant at the corner of 4th and Main does for their sandwiches, you know the one. And they want them double wrapped because they don’t want any air getting in because it will smell fishy before she gets home. Then she takes her cart over to the busiest aisle, parks it sideways in the middle and then ponders what, based on how long it takes, is apparently is a life altering decision about penne versus rigatoni pasta. At the checkout she has coupons for everything except what’s in her cart and she wants them applied even if she bought three of the things on the two for one. Then her box of rice has a tiny hole and she wants someone to get her another and “Oh, while I’m here, I’d like to return and get a refund on this bread I bought last week, it’s just not fresh and I thought I saw a spot of mold on the crust. And I’d like to pay for half of my groceries with my credit card and the rest on a check. Do you have a pen?”

380ba2f8f94c05142113b7661c89ff8c

The Bank Problem Person: Fortunately with modern technology, going into a bank is a fairly infrequent need for most of us. There are typically two kinds of Bank Problem People: 1) The “I brought my yearly statement in during my lunch hour on a Friday and I want the teller to explain every transaction” person and 2) The ATM person who spends thirty minutes finagling the hostile takeover of a multi-national corporation through their use of their ATM card.

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The Restaurant Problem Person: We all know one of these people. They’re gluten free, lactose intolerant and allergic to peanuts. They have the specific recipe they want the bartender to use to create their favorite drink that no one has ever heard of. When their food comes some portion of it must be sent back or is uneaten because it’s not right and they want that deducted from the check. Then they don’t leave a tip because “the waitress made that face when I asked for more gluten free bread sticks.”

The Solution! When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law requiring all service industries to set aside one booth or desk for the Problem People. If you walk into a store, restaurant or bank and you know you have a question or issue, go to the Problem Desk. The person there is prepared to cheerfully help you. If you don’t self-identify as a Problem Person and you try to get your problem resolved through the regular staff or desk, thus inconveniencing others, a loud alarm and flashing red lights will go off and you will be escorted to the Problem Desk. Your drivers license will be stamped PP for the next four years, at which time, if you haven’t been an annoying moron too much, the scarlet letter will be removed from your license and you will be allowed to interact with the service industries like a normal person.

I just want to say Happy Birthday to the United States of America. If you enjoyed todays Phil Factor and have a Problem Person in your life who may not be aware of it, please educate them by sharing this by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Have a great weekend! ~Phil  (P.S. did you notice that today, after ten years of blogging, I figured out how to add text colors?)

Throwback Thursday! The Man Who Would Be Bieber

This is one of the worst stories I have ever reported on The Phil Factor. Proceed at your own risk.

(03/22/14) First off, I have to apologize to my readers for having missed this story last fall. Secondly, I have to apologize for including it on my blog at all.

SheldonBieber

No, despite my obvious boyish charm I do not strive to be Bieber-like. Thirty-three year old German-born songwriter Toby Sheldon, pictured on the left above and now living in the United States, does. He has spent roughly $100,000 on plastic surgery to look as much like the Biebs as possible. It’s not just him though. If you Google you’ll find dozens of pictures of people that have had plastic surgery to look like their favorite stars. Then you’ll find dozens of pictures of their favorite stars who have had plastic surgery to try to reclaim the beauty of their youth.  That’s what Toby Sheldon claims as his motivation; the pursuit of a youthful look.

Maybe I should I have titled this The Pursuit of Youthfulness or Youth is Wasted on the Young. If I had though I’d get half as many views. The Bieber may be a colossal asshat, but his name pulls readers to my blog like nobody’s business. Bieber may be the dumbest rich person in the world, but he does have a youthful look. Hey Toby Sheldon, guess what? It’s because he is young, you moron. You’re in your 30’s. I can’t blame Toby too much though. I may not want to look like the Biebs, but I wouldn’t mind looking younger. Like most men, I have the Peter Pan Complex, which is every man’s desire to be portrayed on Broadway by Sandy Duncan.

Peter Pan2

It used to be that men’s Peter Pan Complex was the result of incongruity between our minds and our bodies. As women will attest, men stop maturing when they’re about seventeen years old. We look in the mirror with our seventeen your old brains and see a forty year old with gray or no hair, crows feet and no discernible abs to speak of. The cognitive dissonance is jarring. Now, our Peter Pan Complex is media driven.

You can’t turn around without seeing a magazine cover or commercial with some shirtless twenty-five year old actor or athlete who only has 2% body fat and a 28″ waist. When I was younger there was no pressure for men to look perfect. When I was a kid the professional athletes and actors were completely out of shape. They smoked and drank and had beer guts and still got the girl. There was no standard to live up to. Now our wives are all ogling these statuesque dudes on TV that we can never look like because we actually have full time jobs that don’t involve working out. Then on top of everything else, you’ve got Vladimir Putin posting shirtless pictures everywhere. He runs a frickin’ country (maybe two now) and he’s out hunting shirtless! I can’t compete with that.

Putin

It is so unfair and unrealistic how men are portrayed by the media. You women just don’t understand what we’re going through.

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please share by the Facebook, Twitter, or Re-blog button below. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

Picture credits: vnews24.it, funnyordie.com

Throwback Thursday! The Angry Biebers!

Bieber

(10/5/2013) You know how when a sitcom goes on too long and gets desperate for laughs the writers make the characters exaggerated caricatures of themselves in an effort to try to squeeze a few more laughs out of the tired, stereotyped, cliched neuroses that we originally found endearing when they were expressed much more subtly early in the show? (How I Met Your Mother for example. Seriously, Ted should have met the mother two seasons ago and wrapped up the series then)

This past week Justin Bieber became a caricature of himself and by proxy all celebrities. Yes, I will mock him here, but I have to give credit where credit is due. Karla Cripps of CNN.com said it best:  “Just when you thought you might enjoy a week without any news of Justin Bieber annoying the world, along comes evidence that the most beloved/disliked self-involved teenager on the planet has broken one of the most sacred unspoken rules of travel — don’t use your bodyguards to carry you up the Great Wall of China.” The entire article can be read by clicking the hyper-linked CNN.com above. That’s right, the perfectly able-bodied twenty-one year old Bieber asked to be carried up the stairs at the Great Wall; and his flunkies did it! It’s that kind of attitude that explains why Selena Gomez broke up with him.

Sometimes I think this happens with celebrities and it isn’t necessarily their fault. That’s right. I say don’t blame celebrities for their idiotic behavior. It’s our fault as a society.

Celebrities are great.  When the director says “action!” they’re incredibly talented and very entertaining. They’re funny, musical, and sometimes even emotionally moving when their words and actions are scripted for them. It’s when they go off-script and improv, such as in everyday life, that they tend to lose perspective.

Just like Robin Williams and Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting, I would hold the Bieber close and say, “It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault” as he sobbed on my shoulder.

fault

Yes, I know you’re saying to yourself, “But Phil,” which is an odd thing to say to yourself, “why isn’t it celebrities fault when they act like out-of-touch-with-reality caricatures of all bad celebrity stereotypes?” Wow, that’s a mouthful. Thanks for asking. I’ll tell you why. In response, I’ll ask you a question: If you have a dog and you’ve never taught it to sit or stay, is it the dogs fault that it runs around like rabid gerbil high on Candy Corn M&M’s when you have company over? No! It’s your fault because you didn’t train your dog. The dog doesn’t know what it doesn’t know. People need training just like dogs.

If you take a normal, human two year old and spend twenty years fawning over them and bending the rules for them of course they’re going to think they’re the center of the universe. It’s time we start raising our celebrities to be real human beings. That’s why my next book will be titled “The Proper Care and Feeding of Your Celebrity.” When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I will pass a law stating that until age 30 all celebrities must be accompanied 24/7 by a behavioral psychologist who will hit them on the nose with a rolled up newspaper any time they do anything vaguely out of touch or ego-centric. Don’t worry though, the training won’t be all punitive. They’ll be rewarded with pieces of candy when they perform appropriate behaviors in public. Before long our celebrities will all be nice, normal people that won’t frighten your children.

If you’re wondering about the title of this post, it’s related to a Nickelodeon cartoon from the 90’s called The Angry BeaversAbout two years ago my son & his friends started a band and they all had Justin Bieber haircuts so I suggested they name their band The Angry Biebers. I thought the idea was much funnier than they did.

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please indulge me by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

Give Until it Hurts, Somebody: Weird Charities

Picture credit: funnyand.com

Picture credit: funnyand.com

This past week I went to a big company meeting for my job. My company donates generously to Save the Children and gives us the opportunity to help through payroll deductions and raffles at our meetings. I heard though that one particular colleague was opposed, not to Save the Children, but to the hotel that we stayed in because it had an affiliation that she was opposed to.

That got me to thinking that with so many large corporations in the world that have all kinds of affiliations, we as individuals must constantly be supporting charities and causes we’re opposed to by paying for products or services from these corporations. Here are some of the more unusual and legitimate charities I found. One is fake but the others are all real. In the comments put your guess as to which is fake. I’ll respond later in the day with the answer.

Stop Bieber: I wish this was a national charity so that I could contribute. Apparently the Evanston Township High School in Illinois needed to raise money to renovate a cafe and art center in their school. They played the Bieber song “Baby” over the school loudspeakers whenever students were not in classes with the caveat that it would stop when they had raised the money they needed. It only took three days to raise the money. I’m surprised it took that long. Under the Geneva Convention I think that qualifies as cruel and unusual punishment.

Welfare Group Disabled and Sexuality: This Swedish charity hires prostitutes for the disabled. Also, much of their funding comes from a grant from the Swedish government!

The Critter Connection: They rescue and rehabilitate abandoned or neglected guinea pigs. A donor can adopt or foster an abandoned guinea pig. At the risk of sounding insensitive towards the plight of neglected rodents, ummm..they only live 4-8 years on average.

wonkacharity

Tall Clubs International: It’s a non-profit organization created to “benefit the interest of tall people.” What are tall people interested in? They also give out scholarships for tall people to go to college. To qualify, women must be at least 5’10” and men 6’2″.

Clowning Around: This thirty year old organization accepts donations and grants scholarships to underprivileged children in the U.S. who want to go to Clown College. (Yes, Clown College is a real thing). If only I had known about this years ago my whole career could have been different, but alas I’m only a clown here on the internet.

Ok, in the comments give your guess as to which one is fake and I’ll reply later today with the real answer.  And no cheating with Google. As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor and want to contribute to me, share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

It’s a Bieber World After All

Wow. That is one pretty girl next to wheelchair-bound Justin Bieber!  Turns out it is a Bieber world after all and we’re just living in it. If you just got a panicked feeling and shouted “What? Justin’s in a wheelchair?” then you must be a Belieber.  And why wouldn’t you be?

BieberWheelchairPhil

The Biebs again proved how awesome he is by using Disneyland’s policy of allowing those in wheelchairs to go to the front of the line of rides and attractions. He claims he “tweaked” his knee playing basketball.  So in spite of his great pain and suffering, the benevolent Bieber allowed his handlers to wheel him past families and children in hours-long lines so they could get a good look at their hero. Seriously, how many celebrities take the time to do that for their fans. I was so impressed that I decided to write a song about him.

When Bieber Jumped the Queues (sing to the tune of Janis Joplin’s Me and Bobby McGee click link for video

Busted flat in Disneyland, waiting for a train
And I’m feeling jaded and mean.
Bieber thumbed a wheelchair down just before it rained,
And rode it all the way to the front of the lane.I pulled my hair from my head and said “That took no time!”,
I was fuming soft while Bieber jumped the queues.
Biebers handlers slapping fans, I was holding Bieber’s picture in mine,
We sang every song that Bieber knew.Bieber’s just another nerd turned into a kid who drinks the booze,
Nothing he does, nothing’s funny if it ain’t Bieber, now now.
And feeling good was easy, when Bieber jumped the queues,
You know feeling good was good enough for me,
Good enough for me and my Bieber, baby.
From the Canadian sticks to the California sun,
Hey, Bieber shared the secrets of my soul.
Through all kinds of weather, through everything that we done,
Hey Bieber baby kept me from acting old.
Ok, that was awful, but the main reason for this whole post was just to put that picture there. If you’re not from the States and don’t know the song, I apologize.  The phrase ‘Me and Bieber McGee’ has been stuck in my head since Thursday. What I really need is my friend Marissa Bergen, who is both brilliantly poetic and musical to take the idea and make a music video  like she did with a parody of Radiohead’s Creep. Have a great Saturday! Please don’t share this. It’s just terrible. ~Phil