If you celebrate the Christmas holiday, then Merry Christmas to you. If you don’t then I hope you have a wonderful and merry day as well. I just want to say thank you to all of you who have read my blog over the past year. You make my day with your comments. I look forward to seeing you all in the New Year as well. Thank you. ~Phil
Three years ago a network aired “It’s Your 50th Christmas Charlie Brown!” To be sure, the Peanuts Christmas special is a classic here in the States. What I’d like to see someone create is a special with all the Peanuts characters as 50 year olds. How weird would that be? Here are my choices for the Ten Best Holiday Specials of All Time. The Star Wars Holiday Special was mentioned in the comments a few times last year, but didn’t make the Top Ten only because I haven’t seen it. If you’re curious, it is on YouTube. If you disagree with the list or have other choices please put them in the comments.
10. Rudolph’s Shiny New Year: This piece of crap has been played every year since 1976. I think I accidentally watched it once as a child and vowed to never watch it again. Thus far…mission accomplished. Rudolph should have been made into venison before this was made.
9. A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving: Sure the idea of toast and popcorn sounds great, in theory. This is a good special but pales in comparison to The Peanut’s Halloween and Christmas specials.
8. Frosty the Snowman: The best part of this special is the song. The acting is putrid and the plot is barely plausible. When this is on I’m rooting for a green Christmas.
7. Little Drummer Boy: This is where the list starts to get good. Good song, good plot, great claymation and I think there are some talking animals. Plus, it all takes place in a desert where Frosty would never survive.
6. Santa Clause is Comin’ To Town: Oh man! When I was a kid and the Winter Warlock first appeared I was terrified. I believe the phrase “chillin’ like a villain” was coined for him. Also a young Santa hooks up with a serious hottie of a wife.
5. The Rugrats Chanukah Special: Technically it was an episode of the series, but all these years later I still remember it for actually explaining the meaning of Hanukkah to me better than any person ever had. It was entertaining and informative, just like The Phil Factor.
4. A Charlie Brown Christmas: Hey, I know you all love this one, but if The Peanuts get on the list twice they don’t get #1. The ice skating scene, the dancing scene, and Snoopy making the animal noises were all great. Lucy still should have punched Charlie Brown for bringing back that wretched tree.
3. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer: Romance, bromance, career conflict, monsters, The Island of Misfit Toys. This special had it all. Remember how scary it was when Yukon Cornelius rescued Rudolph and his family from Bumble the Abominable Snow Monster?
2. Dr. Seuss’ How The Grinch Stole Christmas: Great song and great villian with a story of redemption. Who doesn’t love it when his heart grows and breaks the frame? My favorite scene is when his dog, Max, happily hops on the front of the sleigh expecting a ride.
1. The Year Without a Santa Clause: This special didn’t need a Santa Claus. If you’ve got the Heat Miser and the Snow Miser in a sing off you win. I just wish one of them had done a mic drop. Hands down the best songs ever in a holiday special of any kind. Here’s the video of both songs. (please pardon the commercial at the start). Enjoy!
These are just the holiday specials that are populr in the States. If some of my British friends or anyone from anywhere else wants to chip in, I’d be happy to d an international edition. Fill up the comments! Happy Holidays of every kind to everyone! If you disagree with my list please add your suggestions in the comments. If you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog sharing buttons below. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil
Posted in Christmas, Holidays, Humor, pop culture, Top Ten
Tagged Christmas, Christmas Specials, Holiday Specials, The Phil Factor
I want to sincerely thank each and every one of you who have visited my blog over the past year. Time is one of the most precious commodities there is and once you’ve spent it, you can’t get it back. Thank you for spending a little of yours reading my words. Also, thank you to those of you who spent money and time reading my book Time To Lie this year. Whether or not Christmas is your holiday, I hope you all have a great day and coming year!
iStockphoto.com/KonArt
Thank you! ~Phil
Earlier this week Google released it’s list of the most popular search terms for 2017. Much to my surprise, I didn’t make their list, so I thought I’d one up them. Nothing makes me feel festive AF like getting a present that surprises me. With my psychic powers it’s hard to surprise me, but there’s one place where I find surprises every time: in the list of search terms that people put into Google that bring them to my blog. Here are the ten best from the last three months:
10. Real sexting conversations to read in Hindi: This phrase and those who search it are responsible for 50% of my blog views. Ever since I wrote THIS POST in March of 2015 it’s been non-stop. I just wish some of them would leave a comment or buy one of my books.
Charlie in happier times
9. Charles Manson sad: Well of course he’s sad. He died this year!
8. Doppelganger in fight club: I know I wouldn’t want to fight my own doppelganger. He’d know all my good moves with the nunchucks and whatnot!
7. Hate Oprah: Somehow this simple but true phrase brought some wayward soul to my blog where he or she hoped to find others that shared his or her disturbing obsession.
6. The sexy man alive 2017: If google saw fit to lead someone to me after they searched this, then it must be true.
5. Hurricane: Yes, The Phil Factor is the hurricane of blogs, which I guess means that it blows. Get it? Hurricane-blows?
4. ineedyouraddress.com/tophil: Apparently I have a stalker! I hope he or she didn’t find my address. I love you all, but sometimes I’m happy that you’re one the other side of a screen somewhere far far away.
3. The Voice Adam Levine porn stache: I’m not sure what’s more disturbing, that someone searched this, or that my blog was the answer. Actually it’s related to THIS HILARIOUS POST from 2013 when Adam Levine was named Sexiest Man Alive over me.
2. World Psychic Predictions: Yes, psychic predictions are a service I provide for the world once a year. Come back to this space on Dec. 30th for my psychic predictions for 2018.
1. horniestintheland.com: Some are born into greatness while others have it thrust upon them. The title Horniest in The Land is not as popular or prestigious as Sexiest Man Alive, but I hope to wear the crown proudly. I honestly have no idea if that’s a real website and I’m too afraid to see what it is.
Have a great Saturday! ~Phil
Posted in Humor, pop culture
Tagged Christmas, funny search terms, humor, The Phil Factor
It’s that time of year again! The time for the year in review Christmas form letter. It’s always touching when our relatives treat us like customers. Typically these form letters take one of two directions. The first and most typical is the ‘What a wonderful year we had!’
“Dear ____________, 2016 was a wonderful year for my family. I started a new job six figure job, and my wife was promoted to president of her company. The kids are doing well. Johnny aced the S.A.T., didn’t miss a question! He’s now been accepted into a Ph.D program at Harvard even though he’s only 14. Susie was named Miss Junior America and will be touring the country speaking out against make up companies testing lip gloss on kittens. The picture on the front of the card is the new Bentley we got after winning the lottery.
The best course of action the next time you see these relatives is a swift, stunning punch to the forehead that will cause them to spill nog all over their tacky sweater and leave a mark on their forehead. They deserve this because either they are lying about how fantastic their life is, or if their life is that great then the bruise on their forehead will remind them that life is tough and they shouldn’t get too cocky.
The second kind of Christmas letter is my favorite. It’s the disaster letter. These are the people who make you feel so much better about yourself and your life.
“Hello everyone, it is with a heavy heart that we wish you Season’s Greetings. Sadly our twenty-seven year old cocker spaniel passed away last week. He was delicious. In more upbeat news from our family it has been a year of triumphs! Little Johnny learned to poop indoors and that rash on Susie’s face cleared up. As soon as Obamacare kicks in we’ll get her lazy eye looked at. Home schooling is going well and they both are on track to graduate by the time they’re 21. We’re so proud! Once Trevor finds a job we’ll buy some train tickets and come visit! The best course of action with these relatives is to tell them you’re moving and you’ll forward them the address as soon as you get settled.
I would just like to note that none of the pictures in this post are from my family. If I were to write a form Christmas letter to anyone reading this it might read:
Thank you to anyone who has read The Phil Factor even once. It’s been an amazing year for me thanks to all of you. Thank you to those who have read one of my books and those who clicked Like or shared my weekly Phil Factor as well as those that have helped by giving of their knowledge. Regardless of what religion or holiday you may or may not be celebrating this season, thank you for every little click you’ve directed at me in some way.
As always, Happy Thursday, and if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please feel free to share by hitting the Facebook or Twitter share buttons below.
Posted in Christmas, Humor, Throwback Thursdays
Tagged Christmas, humor, The Phil Factor, Throwback Thursday
Disturbing? Yes. If you’ve got any funny comments feel free to share them. The picture is courtesy of the one and only Gooby who is a real person and a character in my first two novels. Have a great Wednesday! ~Phil
Posted in Christmas, Humor, Wordless Wednesday
Tagged Christmas, Holidays, The Phil Factor, Wordless Wednesday
Two years ago a network aired “It’s Your 50th Christmas Charlie Brown!” To be sure, the Peanuts Christmas special is a classic here in the States. What I’d like to see someone create is a special with all the Peanuts characters as 50 year olds. How weird would that be? Here are my choices for the Ten Best Holiday Specials of All Time. The Star Wars Holiday Special was mentioned in the comments a few times last year, but didn’t make the Top Ten only because I haven’t seen it. If you’re curious, it is on YouTube. If you disagree with the list or have other choices please put them in the comments.
10. Rudolph’s Shiny New Year: This piece of crap has been played every year since 1976. I think I accidentally watched it once as a child and vowed to never watch it again. Thus far…mission accomplished. Rudolph should have been made into venison before this was made.
9. A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving: Sure the idea of toast and popcorn sounds great, in theory. This is a good special but pales in comparison to The Peanut’s Halloween and Christmas specials.
8. Frosty the Snowman: The best part of this special is the song. The acting is putrid and the plot is barely plausible. When this is on I’m rooting for a green Christmas.
7. Little Drummer Boy: This is where the list starts to get good. Good song, good plot, great claymation and I think there are some talking animals. Plus, it all takes place in a desert where Frosty would never survive.
6. Santa Clause is Comin’ To Town: Oh man! When I was a kid and the Winter Warlock first appeared I was terrified. I believe the phrase “chillin’ like a villain” was coined for him. Also a young Santa hooks up with a serious hottie of a wife.
5. The Rugrats Chanukah Special: Technically it was an episode of the series, but all these years later I still remember it for actually explaining the meaning of Hanukkah to me better than any person ever had. It was entertaining and informative, just like The Phil Factor.
4. A Charlie Brown Christmas: Hey, I know you all love this one, but if The Peanuts get on the list twice they don’t get #1. The ice skating scene, the dancing scene, and Snoopy making the animal noises were all great. Lucy still should have punched Charlie Brown for bringing back that wretched tree.
3. Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer: Romance, bromance, career conflict, monsters, The Island of Misfit Toys. This special had it all. Remember how scary it was when Yukon Cornelius rescued Rudolph and his family from Bumble the Abominable Snow Monster?
2. Dr. Seuss’ How The Grinch Stole Christmas: Great song and great villian with a story of redemption. Who doesn’t love it when his heart grows and breaks the frame? My favorite scene is when his dog, Max, happily hops on the front of the sleigh expecting a ride.
1. The Year Without a Santa Clause: This special didn’t need a Santa Claus. If you’ve got the Heat Miser and the Snow Miser in a sing off you win. I just wish one of them had done a mic drop. Hands down the best songs ever in a holiday special of any kind. Here’s the video of both songs. (please pardon the commercial at the start). Enjoy!
Happy Holidays of every kind to everyone! If you disagree with my list please add your suggestions in the comments. If you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog sharing buttons below. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil
Posted in Christmas, Holidays, Humor, pop culture
Tagged Chanukah special, Christmas, Christmas Specials, Holidays, humor, The Phil Factor, Top Ten Christmas specials
You’re a mean one Mister Grinch. You really are a heel. You’re as cuddly as a cactus, you’re as charming as an eel, Mister Grinch. You’re a bad banana with a greasy black peel.
Yup, that’s me; King of sarcasm and hater of all things jolly. I’m not saying that there aren’t things to love about the holidays. There are plenty, but c’mon everybody, if we’re truly being honest with ourselves, there are a lot of things to hate about the holidays. Here’s my top ten, and in the spirit of a gift that keeps on giving, I’m hoping I’ll mention one or two things you haven’t noticed before and from this day forward you won’t be able to not notice them.
10. Candy canes: They’re sticky. That’s pretty much it. I like the minty flavor, but I can get that in a York Peppermint Patty without my lips, tongue and hands covered in a gross, viscous substance. And they make too many! Has anyone ever eaten all the candy canes they purchase each year? There must be landfills just overflowing with candy canes. If we could make fossil fuel out of leftover candy canes the world would be a better place.
9. The Nog Shortage: All holiday season everything is nog this and nog that. It’s hard to find a beverage that doesn’t offer a nog flavored option. (kind of like the Fall pumpkin influx) But, if you like nog you’re screwed about 8 weeks later. Apparently nog is such a rare and valuable commodity that it can only be offered for a limited time. I’m going to get rich by drilling a nog well in my backyard and then selling my nog at outrageous prices. I will also have a Nog Blog.
8. Holiday movies set in southern California: I hate them because the people in them always look so happy to go outside and hang lights on their palm trees. Jerks. They’re just flaunting their warm weather and lack of snow. If you want a holiday movie to make me happy, how about one where a bunch of So-Cal people are stranded in an avalanche in the Himalayas and they have to eat each other to survive.
iStockphoto.com/KonArt
7. More traffic: This one’s pretty obvious, but for cripes sake you idiots! Haven’t you heard of the internet? I don’t care how much I love someone, nobody is worth going to the mall for from now until mid-January.
6. Lazy Hollywood folks: All our regular shows go on hiatus and show re-runs for 8 weeks. Seriously? You people make billions off these shows and you only make 22 episodes a year? That’s only five and a half months of work! When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law stating that every television program is required to produce a holiday special and one other original episode during the months of December and January.
5. Lines in every store ALL the time: Yes, this one’s pretty obvious. It’s just a good thing no one sells handguns as an impulse buy item at the checkouts. Then again, I don’t live in the south, they probably do there.
4. Frozen: I don’t even have a young Disney Princess obsessed daughter and I’m sick and tired of this stupid movie. I’m sick of the songs and the pictures everywhere. I’ve never seen it and I don’t know what it’s about, but enough already! It’s just another Disney movie where the parents are dead right? I challenge Disney to make some movies where they don’t kill parents as a cheap emotional hook at the beginning.
3. Commercials: I’ve never walked out to my driveway or garage to find a car with a bow on it. I’ve seen some version of this commercial since I was a kid, completely setting me up with unrealistic expectations. Look, Bill Gates, I know you and your wife donate millions to charitable causes, just once could you skip a few mosquito nets and vaccines and have a Lexus delivered to my driveway?
2. Religious differences: It’s hard to believe, but not every religion has their most important, most exciting holiday in December. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m passing a law stating that all religions have to have their biggest holiday at the same time so we can easily sort out the school schedules, sales, and work vacations, Makes sense doesn’t it? And just to show that I’m not Christianity-centric, let’s do it in July in the northern hemisphere and December in the southern hemisphere. That way no one has to deal with snow when traveling to see the relatives, unless you’re stupid enough to live where there’s always snow.
1. Santa Claus: And you thought they’re milking the Marvel movie characters for all their worth? St. Nick hasn’t changed in centuries! Jeez, get that guy a cape and some superpowers. How awesome would that be if he had a nemesis that was out trying to stop him from delivering presents. God has the devil, Batman has the Joker, why can’t Santa have a nemesis?
Please put your holiday pet peeves in the comments. As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor don’t be a Grinch and share it by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or reblog button below. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil
Posted in Christmas, Holidays, Humor, Top Ten
Tagged Christmas, Holidays, humor, The Phil Factor, Top Ten, Top Ten Tuesday
I know that it’s Wordless Wednesday, but if there is a word for this picture that my friend Gooby made, the word would be creepy, right? Have a great Wednesday! ~Phil
Posted in Christmas, Holidays, Humor, Wordless Wednesday
Tagged Christmas, Holidays, The Phil Factor, Wordless Wednesday
Photo credit: my neighbors
(12/6/2014) See that picture above? Can you tell me with absolute certainty that’s not Chuck Norris on the right? I know my title says Jesus was the first Chuck Norris and I know that’s Joseph on the right, but you’ve got to think that the son grew up to look a little like his dad right?
knowledgeknight.wordpress.com
I’ve been doing a little investigating, like in a Dan Brown novel, and I’ve come to the conclusion that that in one form or another humans have always worshipped a Jesus/Chuck Norris figure. The similarities between the two are startling. The beard, the followers: (Jesus had 12 disciples, Chuck Norris has Twitter), the incredible feats defeating evil. It’s all there throughout history. They’re the same person. Maybe when Jesus rose from the dead he didn’t go to heaven but instead continued to walk the Earth as Chuck Norris.
Let’s put this theory to the test. I’m going to borrow several statements from the internet and history and plug both their names in and see if they’re interchangeable.
If you have 5 dollars and Chuck Norris has 5 dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
If you have 5 loaves and fishes and Jesus has 5 loaves and fishes, Jesus has more loaves and fishes than you.
Chuck Norris knows Victoria’s Secret.
Jesus knows your sins.
memegenerator.net
Jesus was put to death, but didn’t really die and rose from the dead three days later.
Chuck Norris has never really died either, unless you count his movie career.
The bible, a book, is full of stories about Jesus.
The internet, a modern reading device, like a book, is full of Chuck Norris fact lists.
So, as you can see, the Jesus/Chuck Norris themes are similar throughout history. If they are the same guy wouldn’t that then mean that the bible is just a book of Chuck Norris jokes?
This post came about as a result of my neighbors nativity set that’s in the picture at the top. My son and theirs are friends and when we were dropping their son off after an afterschool activity a couple years ago I said, “Hey, Noah, why is there a statue of Chuck Norris on your lawn?” They recently posted that picture of their Chuck Norris nativity set on Facebook and tagged me.
As always, if you enjoy my seasonal blasphemy, in the spirit of the holidays please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog buttons below. Have a great Thursday! ~Phil
Posted in Humor, religious humor, Throwback Thursdays
Tagged Christmas, Chuck Norris, humor, The Phil Factor
