Tag Archives: Fifty Shades of Phil

Fifty Shades of…

I am absolutely outraged! Just because I’m a small time author, some big movie company thinks they can steal my title, change a word and pretend it’s their idea. My Fifty Shades of Phil book came out in June 2013, before all the Fifty Shades movies, so obviously I had the idea first. I’m considering legal action.

Because of this weeks movie opening of Fifty Shades Freed I thought I’d capitalize on all the people searching the web for info using the phrase #FiftyShades by putting my book on sale Many people may visit my site here from their smartphones and never see the link in the sidebar for my book Fifty Shades of Phil. I could tell you about the book that contains the best 50 humor essays from the first 8 years of #ThePhilFactor, but I won’t. I’ll let the reviewers do it for me:

Hilariously Funny! ~Narly Nuts Book Lovers: Phil takes us on a HILARIOUS ride of HUMOR and TRUTH! He says all the things we know to be true, but most of us likely don’t say out loud. We think it and know how we feel about the different topics. Yes, some of it is ego-centric and down right blunt, but what fun would it be if Phil wasn’t putting his spin on it.
All in all, this is a book I will recommend for laughs, wit and Phil’s oh so subtle charm. When Phil is elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, I WILL VOTE PHIL, whichever comes first.:)

Author Sean Smithson (How to Lose a Girl in 10 Ways): “Perfect read for any commute. …snappy and entertaining reading. Perfect for a very recent and uncomfortable long haul flight. Definitely do not regret picking this up.”

Now for contrast, here is an excerpt of a review of Fifty Shades Darker from USA Today: There are a lot of negative things to be said about Fifty Shades. But it does impress in one sense: The erotica lite sequel somehow manages to be worse than the stupefyingly bad Fifty Shades of Grey.”

To celebrate the movie #FiftyShadesFreed this week, I’ve put my book on sale for just $2.99 for Kindle, Nook, or in the iTunes bookstore.  I’m not sure what it is in Euro’s or GBP but you can still find it in the Amazon bookstore in every country in the world and they’ll tell you how much it is.  What? You don’t have a Kindle or Nook? You don’t need one! You can download the free Kindle or Nook app to your iPad or smartphone and then download Fifty Shades of Phil. For $2.99 you can’t go wrong. If you can read the entire thing without laughing I’ll refund your money. If you go to Fifty Shades Freed and you hate it, I doubt they’ll give you the same offer.

Have a great Friday! ~Phil

#PHIL2020

Fifty Shades of …

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I am absolutely outraged! Just because I’m a small time author, some big movie company thinks they can steal my title, change a word and pretend it’s their idea. My Fifty Shades of Phil book came out in June 2013, so obviously I had the idea first. I’m considering legal action.

Because of this weeks movie opening of Fifty Shades Darker I thought I’d capitalize on all the people searching the web for info using the phrase #FiftyShades by putting my book on sale Many people may visit my site here from their smartphones and never see the link in the sidebar for my book Fifty Shades of Phil. I could tell you about the book that contains the best 50 humor essays from the first 8 years of #ThePhilFactor, but I won’t. I’ll let the reviewers do it for me:

Hilariously Funny! ~Narly Nuts Book Lovers: Phil takes us on a HILARIOUS ride of HUMOR and TRUTH! He says all the things we know to be true, but most of us likely don’t say out loud. We think it and know how we feel about the different topics. Yes, some of it is ego-centric and down right blunt, but what fun would it be if Phil wasn’t putting his spin on it.
All in all, this is a book I will recommend for laughs, wit and Phil’s oh so subtle charm. When Phil is elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, I WILL VOTE PHIL, whichever comes first.:)

Author Sean Smithson (How to Lose a Girl in 10 Ways): “Perfect read for any commute. …snappy and entertaining reading. Perfect for a very recent and uncomfortable long haul flight. Definitely do not regret picking this up.”

Now for contrast, here is an excerpt of a review of Fifty Shades Darker from USA Today: There are a lot of negative things to be said about Fifty Shades Darker. But it does impress in one sense: The erotica lite sequel somehow manages to be worse than the stupefyingly bad Fifty Shades of Grey.”

To celebrate the movie #FiftyShadesDarker this week I’ve put my book on sale for just 99 cents for Kindle, Nook, or in the iTunes bookstore.  I’m not sure what it is in Euro’s or GBP but you can still find it in the Amazon bookstore in every country in the world and they’ll tell you how much it is.  What? You don’t have a Kindle or Nook? You don’t need one! You can download the free Kindle or Nook app to your iPad or smartphone and then download Fifty Shades of Phil. For 99 cents you can’t go wrong. If you can read the entire thing without laughing I’ll refund your money. If you go to Fifty Shades Darker and you hate it, I doubt they’ll give you the same offer.

Had I known 6 months ago about the current movie title, I’d have come out with a book titled 50 Shades Dorker, a collection of the fifty best humor essays from the last four years of #ThePhilFactor. You think there’s still a market for that?

Have a great Friday! ~Phil

Fifty Shades of …Phil?

Fifty-Shades-of-Phil-large

I am absolutely outraged! Just because I’m a small time author, some big movie company thinks they can steal my title, change a word and pretend it’s their idea. My Fifty Shades of Phil book came out in June 2013, so obviously I had the idea first. I’m considering legal action.

Because of this weeks movie opening of Fifty Shades of Grey I thought I’d capitalize on all the people searching the web for info using the phrase #FiftyShades by putting my book on sale Many people may visit my site here from their smartphones and never see the link in the sidebar for my book Fifty Shades of Phil. I could tell you about the book that contains the best 50 humor essays from the first 8 years of The Phil Factor, but I won’t. I’ll let the reviewers do it for me:

NBC Nightly News anchor Brian Williams: “This is the best book I’ve ever helped Phil write.”

Hilariously Funny! ~Narly Nuts Book Lovers: Phil takes us on a HILARIOUS ride of HUMOR and TRUTH! He says all the things we know to be true, but most of us likely don’t say out loud. We think it and know how we feel about the different topics. Yes, some of it is ego-centric and down right blunt, but what fun would it be if Phil wasn’t putting his spin on it.
All in all, this is a book I will recommend for laughs, wit and Phil’s oh so subtle charm. When Phil is elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, I WILL VOTE PHIL, whichever comes first.:)

Kurisutsure: Funniest book I’ve read in a LONG time. Seriously, I can’t wait for the next one! I laughed at something in every post, which may indicate I am an “overlaugher.” When I got to the end I wanted more, and still do.

Author Sean Smithson (How to Lose a Girl in 10 Ways): “Perfect read for any commute. …snappy and entertaining reading. Perfect for a very recent and uncomfortable long haul flight. Definitely do not regret picking this up.”

To celebrate the movie #FiftyShadesofGrey this week I’ve put this book on sale for just 99 cents for Kindle, Nook, or in the iTunes bookstore.  I’m not sure what it is in Euro’s or GBP but you can still find it in the Amazon bookstore in every country in the world and they’ll tell you how much it is.  What? You don’t have a Kindle or Nook? You don’t need one! You can download the free Kindle or Nook app to your iPad or smartphone and then download Fifty Shades of Phil.

Have a great Sunday! ~Phil

Everybody Have Fun Today, Everybody Wang Chung Today!

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I’m not going to share this post with Facebook or Twitter. I’m too embarrassed. Not as embarrassed as Wang Chung should be. Yesterday I was in my car with my iPod connected and playing on shuffle when the Wang Chung song “Everybody Have Fun Tonight” came on. For you kids out there who weren’t alive in the 1980’s Wang Chung had two popular songs that were played ad nauseum for years. Embarrassingly, I liked them and downloaded them to my iPod at some point in the last eight years. Not the worst thing I suppose and I’m sure we all have songs on our iPods that we wouldn’t want to acknowledge to anyone we wanted to respect us. Trust me, I have worse and at some point I’ll make them into a Top Ten Tuesday list for you.

When the song came on my iPod, I looked down and noticed the album cover pictured above. Apparently when I downloaded the song I didn’t make note of what “album” it came from. Greatest Hits?!!? C’mon Wang Chung! Isn’t using the word Greatest a bit of a stretch? And Hits pluralTwo songs! You had two songs that made it big and you have a Greatest Hits CD? You have enough hits for a greatest hits 45. For you kids, a 45 is a small, vinyl disc with one song on each side and played on the old record players your parents had when they were kids. They were about eight inches across and looked like this:

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I don’t know. Maybe Wang Chung was much more popular in other countries. A greatest hits album when you’ve only had two hits? That’s like a random blogger putting out a  50 greatest posts book after eight years of blogging! Oh, that’s right, I did that. That’s what Fifty Shades of Phil is. See it in the right sidebar? The e-book edition is only 99 cents for Kindle, Nook, Kobo, or any other device. I figured a lot of you might not know what Fifty Shades of Phil was and never clicked on it because you were fearful that it was my comical sexual memoirs.

Have a great Monday! ~Phil

Throwback Thursdays! The Everyday Oscars

This post serves two purposes. First, I post this every year around Oscar time and second it’s an excerpt from my book Fifty Shades of Phil which is available for your Kindle, Nook, or iPad for only 99 cents! It was first posted on The Phil Factor so long ago that I couldn’t find the original post.

Oscar

Well, it’s happened again. I was passed over. Not a single Oscar nomination. The whole process is completely biased against people like me. Ok, I know that there aren’t really other people like me, but that does not excuse the Hollywood establishments prejudice against me. The Oscars have been handed out longer than I’ve been alive, but not once have I been awarded a gold, phallic statuette. Just because I’m not some kiss-ass Hollywood insider who’s made a movie in the past year, they completely overlook my accomplishments!

It is because of this snub that I refuse to attend the awards ceremony. I do have Oscar-worthy acting talent. So do many of you. Just because our skills don’t appear on the big screen doesn’t mean our talents should go unappreciated! To recognize the acting achievements of everyone like me, I hereby introduce The First Annual Everyday Oscar Awards! I imagine the awards ceremony will go something like this:

MC Phil: “The Everyday Oscar for Best Performance in The Workplace goes to… (fumbling with envelope)… Mark Bingham for his role in “The Overdue Report!” (video clip begins to roll on the monitor).

Mark: “Yes Mr. Whalen, I knew that report was due this morning. I was about to forward it to you when I got the call that my grandmother, the woman who raised me after my parents died, was in a car accident.”

Mr. Whalen: “Is that a Hooters napkin sticking out of your pocket?”

Mark: “Yes it is, sir. The hospital needed two quarts of my blood for the transfusion. They said I should drink lots fluids for the rest of the day. I got a little woozy driving back to the office and I had to pull over.”

MC Phil: “That always brings a tear to my eye. Next up, the Everyday Oscar for Best Relationship Saving Performance goes to… Susan Reynolds for her fantastic performance in “Whose Boxers Are These?” (video clip begins to roll).

Boyfriend: “Heather, I just found these boxer shorts under your side of the bed! They’re not mine! Whose are they?”

Susan: “Awww! You ruined the surprise! I bought them for you, but I got so turned on at the thought of you in them, that I put them on myself and wore them around for a day. Would you like to see me in them?”

Boyfriend: “Are these your skid marks?”

Susan: “Umm…yeah?”

As always, if you get a little laugh out of #ThePhilFactor please share by Facebook, Twitter or reblogging. Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

 

The Top Ten Benefits to Being Edward Snowden

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10. I’ve been busting my ass writing #ThePhilFactor for 8 years and publishing my own books. Snowden lets a couple secrets out of the bag and I’ll bet he’s already got a lucrative book deal lined up.

9. You know how you can save 15% or more on your car insurance with Geico? Eddie always gets the more.

8. Apparently Team Edward wins.

7. He gets to watch The Terminal but with Russian subtitles.

6.  According to NBC World News there’s a TGI Fridays and an Irish pub at the Moscow airport. Free wifi too! Are you kidding me? That’s my dream come true. I’d never leave there. I wish I had some secrets to spill.

5. Apparently Edward Snowden has only had one picture taken of him in his entire life. This is his baby picture.

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4. Edward Snowden’s girlfriend:

Lindsay-Mills-turtle

Seriously, how does Eddie score a chick like this? I bet he used his e-mail and cell phone surveillance tools to get some dirt on her. But what’s the deal with the sea turtle? She looks a little crazy to me.

3. Free security pats downs as often as he wants!

2. Chicks totally dig a bad boy. Two weeks ago he was just a computer nerd but now he’s an international fugitive! If things don’t work out with ‘crazy sea turtle girl’ and she doesn’t stab him in his sleep, he’ll have dates lined up around the block for years to come.

Drum roll please…and the number one benefit to being Edward Snowden is:

1. He gets featured on my blog on the day that I’m launching my new book Fifty Shades of Phil! Seriously, where else is he going to get that kind of free publicity?

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please hit the Facebook and Twitter share buttons below, and check out my humorous books. Especially today buy my hilarious book Fifty Shades of Phil for only $2.99.  Even if it’s only for one day I want to out rank every Chelsea Handler book in the Amazon rankings. I hate her.

North by North West

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When Kim and Kanye Kardashian saddled their new child with the name North this week it gave me an idea. I’m going to become a lawyer and move to Hollywood. “But Phil, why would you quit your lucrative blogging career?” Thanks for asking, I’m going to tell you. I believe that being a lawyer in Hollywood will be a very financially sound career move in about 15 years. “But Phil, aren’t there already millions of sleazy lawyers in Hollywood? How would you be different?” My but you’re the curious one today. Alright, I’ll tell you. I’m not going to be just any sleazy Hollywood lawyer. I’m going to specialize in a certain type of lawsuits. I’m going to have a niche! I’m also going to stop starting all my sentences with I’m. “But Phil, what niche is this you speak of?” Damn you’re full of questions aren’t you? Well, because you’re my special friend, I’ll answer those questions, just for you.

Apple, Crumpet, Maddox, Coco, Diezel, Banjo, Satchel, Pilot, Sparrow, Willow, Tennessee, Blue Ivy, Ocean, and now North. What may initially look like a string of random foods,  inanimate objects, and directions is actually a list of celebrity baby names. This is just a short list too. Doing my research for this I actually had to stop myself because the list goes on and on. When these kids grow up, they are not going to be happy with their parents. I’m in my forties and I still haven’t forgiven my parents for my middle name of Francis. (Can you imagine how often I’ve heard someone say “Lighten up Francis“?) I can’t even imagine how mad these Hollywood kids are going to be.

So what’s a kid to do when they grow up wealthy, aimless, and stuck with a stupid name? Get a reality show? Maybe. More importantly, they can sue their parents! That’s where I’ll step in to fill the void. Phil Factor, Esquire to the rescue! As many of us know, if you have an unusual first, middle, or last name children can be cruel in their teasing. I will approach each of the aforementioned celebrity children and offer to help secure their financial future by seeking compensation for their lifelong pain and suffering. See? I already sound like a lawyer!

As always, if you enjoy what you read here at #ThePhilFactor please hit the Facebook or Twitter share buttons below. Also, if you like my writing in small bits you might even like more of it! My humorous murder mystery novel White Picket Prisons is now available in all e-bookstores and next Saturday my second book, Fifty Shades of Phil, a compilation of the 50 best posts from the last 8 years of The Phil Factor, will be available.  And by all means follow me on Facebook and Twitter. I am totally diggin’ on that social media action lately.