Category Archives: Cheez Whiz

The Phil Factor Loyalty Card

That’s right! There’s now a Phil Factor Loyalty Card! Any reader who signs up for The Phil Factor Loyalty Card is entitled to all the honors and benefits occurring thereto. Of course you’ll get a Phil Factor keychain tag and you can track your bonus points online! 

Here’s how it will work: You’ll receive 100 Bonus Points just for signing up. Each time you read The Phil Factor you scan your keychain tag in front of your webcam and your visit to the site will be logged and you’ll receive 50 Phil Factor Bonus points in your account. When your Bonus Points totals reach certain thresholds you’ll receive a Phil Factor gift card in the mail that’s redeemable for merchandise in The Phil Factor online Gift Store. After 10,000 points you can even earn a free overnight stay at The Phil Factor.

Yes, I am kidding. Seriously though, is there anything left in life that we don’t need a loyalty card, bonus card, club card, miles card, or points card for? Dear supermarkets, do you really need my name, address, phone number, mother’s maiden name and “last four of your social” in your database just so I can get 50 cents off of Cheez Whiz? I’ve got an idea, why don’t supermarkets just sell us the food at the best possible price they can?

If I actually had the loyalty card to every store I use, my wallet would be the size of a car battery, and that would totally ruin the look of my ass in jeans. If you don’t want to carry all the cards, the other option is to download an app and scan all your cards into the app and then look it up in your phone to show the clerk everytime you want to use a loyalty card. Holy crap, do I really need to involve megabites and the world wide web just so I can get my 15th coffee half price? (Wouldn’t that be a good name for a band? Megabites and The World Wide Web)

If I could get back all of my time that’s used in the course of a week by a cashier saying, “Do you have a bonus card? Would you like to sign up? It will only take a minute” I’d have enough extra time to go see a movie. Maybe two movies if you count the time I have to stand in line behind some dolt who decided to sign up for the bonus card right then and there because they just found out that they can get 12 cents off of their next purchase. 

When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law outlawing loyalty cards. Everyone would pay a Loyalty Card Tax of 1 cent on every purchase in exchange for the merchants selling everything at the lowest possible price that allows them to remain profitable. 

If you really want to show your loyalty to The Phil Factor you can subscribe to my blog on your Amazon Kindle for only 99 cents/month so that you never miss an installment and you can enjoy my humorous murder mystery novel White Picket Prisons which is available for Kindle, Nook and iPad. Also if you can identify the movie I quoted in the first paragraph you’ll earn 50 Phil Factor points.