Category Archives: Pet humor

Man’s (and Woman’s) Best Friends Are Not To Be Trusted


Have you ever been at home alone, except for one of your pets, and maybe you hit your thumb with a hammer while hanging a picture? Once the nerves in your thumb alert your brain that said thumb has been crushed, you then let loose with a barrage of obscenities that would be deemed to offensive for a Quentin Tarantino movie. Or perhaps, in front of friends you present yourself as a refined, erudite, philosophical scholar but as soon as you’re out of the sight of others you binge watch South Park. Or maybe you and your spouse enjoy a little role playing in the privacy of your own home. (I know nothing of this but I’ve heard of it in books and movies) All those things are perfectly fine. We all have one side of ourselves that we show the world and perhaps a more relaxed side of us that sees the light of day when we’re out of the public eye.


What if when you let out your relaxed side at home, your pet could tell on you? That’s the problem a woman in Michigan may be facing. She is on trial for the murder of her husband. After the husband was shot to death in his home, his pet parrot was given to his ex-wife. Several weeks after the bird had been relocated, his new/old owner overheard the parrot, Bud, speaking. According to the Detroit Free Press: Bud speaking in both male and female voices as if having a conversation, the Free Press reported. The parrot, in a man’s voice, said “Get out,” followed by the woman’s voice saying, “Where will I go?” The man’s voice answered, “Don’t f—ing shoot,” the Free Press reported.”

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip ~Will Rogers

Currently experts are debating if the parrots statements could be admissible in court as evidence. Are you kidding me?!!? Getting sent up the river for life because you get ratted out by your pet? Especially ironic if your pet is a rat. That witness for the prosecution isn’t a parrot! It’s a stool pigeon! (If you’re not a hundred years old, here’s the definition of a stool pigeon)

Not that I’m doing anything nefarious or have plans to, but I’m going to look at my cat and dog in a whole new light from now on. First, I’m immediately going to stop teaching them to speak. Secondly, I’m going to start making them watch the Sarah McLachlan animal cruelty videos:

The implication will be clear. Keep your furry little yaps shut or that could be you in that cage. There is no way that I’m taking a chance on going to prison because some new age Mark Fuhrman bribed my dog with a few Kibbles ‘n Bits. BTW, speaking of the O.J. Simpson trial of the 90’s, did you know that Kim Kardashian‘s dad was one of O.J.’s lawyers. (Kim is going to be thrilled to see that her personal website is now linked to #ThePhilFactor) And furthermore, O.J. Simpson was not convicted of those murders. You know why? Because his fecking pets kept their mouth shut and didn’t testify against him.

I just got a hilarious idea for another post on this topic. It would be too long to add to this. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next Saturday. I know you have to get on with your day. Thanks for stopping by. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Reasons Cats are Better Than Dogs

Happy St. Patrick’s Day to those that are Irish and those that are Irish just for today! Last week I gave dogs and the dog people their due in the worlds oldest debate.  This week it’s the cats turn. Don’t worry, I have no plans to continue comparing animals.


10. Cattitude: You’ve got to respect their aloofness. They’re not all needy like dogs. If you’re gone 5 minutes, a dog acts like you’ve returned from the Bataan Death March while your cat just checks his watch and goes back to sleep.

9. Pooping indoors: When it’s cold and snowy and my dog has got to go at 6 a.m. I have to take her out. My cat on the other hand is even more stealthy about his bowel movements than I am. Cats are the ultimate Poop at Home People.  Some cats can even poop on a toilet.

8.  Cats are never sick: My cat has been to the vet two times in three years. My dog? Dogs get ear infections as often as an 8 year old at summer camp.

7. Toonces: I don’t recall any Saturday Night Live skits about dogs, do you?


6. Cats are natural ghost hunters: If there’s a ghost in your house cats will always spot them and either run away or follow the invisible-to-you spectre.  Dogs don’t have that kind of attention span, leaving you completely vulnerable to ghost attacks. (Thank you to Rene of Mind Chatter for that one)

5. Cats poop in a box: With dogs it could be anywhere in your yard and you have to find it like you’re in a disgusting Easter egg hunt.

4. Has anyone ever made a Broadway play called Dogs?

3. Cats will run around the house at full speed at 3 a.m. just to make sure you’re not sleeping too soundly.

2. Cats will ignore you until you’re ready to go to work or out to dinner; then they’ll rub against to you ensure that your clothes look like you rolled around in a fur factory. That’s how they say I love you.


1. Cats are realists: If your plane goes down in the Andes mountains, your dog will either run down the mountain trying to find help, only to ultimately die of frostbite, or it will cuddle with you to leech away your body warmth so it could survive. A cat in that situation would start eating you before you were even dead.

That funny cat in the last picture looking like he’s surrendering to the authorities is my cat Brady. I’ve got a cat and dog, so I love both for different reasons and their interactions are always fun to watch. If you can think or any other funny reasons cats or dogs are better than the other feel free to add in the comments. Have a great St. Paddy’s Day! ~ Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! The Top Ten Things My Dog Thinks


There she is looking at me over my keyboard as I write this. She’s thinking too. I’m sure that dogs have little doggy thoughts in their little doggy language in their little doggy heads. Because, in addition to my writing superpower, I am also an animal psychic, here are the ten things my dog thinks most often.

10. If I had opposable thumbs I’d grab those car keys and head down to the dog park.

9. Where the hell does he go all day?  He’s probably out with his friends. Why does he spend more time with his friends than he does me?

8.  Do I smell like smoke? I hope he doesn’t notice.

Picture credit:

Picture credit:

7.  The neighbors cat is an arsehole. He just prances around outdoors like he owns the place.

6. 26 across: what is a seven letter word for dog?

5.  Brian on Family Guy is a terrible actor. I could do a way better job.

4. If he puts that biscuit on my nose one more time I’m going to bite him.

3.  Oh my God! He’s in the driveway. Delete browsing history. C’mon shutdown already!


2.  Butts smell great! Why doesn’t he ever smell me back?

1. The Phil Factor! Bah! It’s more like The Fool Factor. Who reads this crap? I’m starting a blog on Tumblr.

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor feel free to share by the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog buttons below. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil