As I mentioned in my last post, May 3 is National Paranormal Day here in the states. Admittedly, I enjoy a little paranormal activity as much as anyone. Wouldn’t the world would be so much more fun and interesting if paranormal things were actually true? Like Fox Mulder, I want to believe. Most of the rest of this post is three polls that I’d love your responses to because in my next few blog posts I’m going to explore people’s beliefs in the paranormal, have some interesting interviews, and occasionally make jokes.
After answering and seeing the poll results, is there anything that surprises you about what people believe? If you’re a believer in any of those subjects, could you comment why?
There’s two things I’m not sure if I believe in, ghosts and death. Well, I’m sure I don’t believe in my own death, and if by chance it does happen, I plan to overcome it by becoming a ghost. I’m sure you’re thinking to yourself What a weirdo! Hey, relax on the judgement there. I’m contractually bound to comeback after death, if I have one, a death that is.
Contractually bound? Yup. Nothing I can do about it now. It was many years ago in college. One night myself and two friends were drinking some adult beverages. You know how when you’re young, like 20 or so and you think you’re really deep thinkers even though you’re really idiots who don’t know anything? We had imbibed a few beverages and got to talking about death and the afterlife.
We all were curious to know if there really was life after death, so right then and there we Googled and then re-enacted a centuries old Druid ceremony complete with a circle of salt, candles under a full moon and signing a pact with our own blood, which was flowing easily because of the alcohol we had been drinking. Ok, no we didn’t. I had you going there for a second, didn’t I?
There was also no Google when I was in college, but we did make a promise to each other that whoever died first would come back and haunt the other two so we would know that there’s life after death.
I don’t know where those two college friends are now and don’t even remember ones last name. Hopefully, because of our vow, some sort of afterlife mojo will help us find each other and keep our promise. As far as I know, none of us has ever shown up to haunt the others. With May 3rd being National Paranormal Day I got to thinking of this and what else I might do if I were to be a ghost.
I know this may be hard for you to believe, but in my life I’ve been a bit of a practical joker at times. I’m pretty sure that if I ever come back as a ghost I’m not going to take off my shirt and help anyone with pottery. Jeez, what a waste of an afterlife. I’ll probably be what we all know as a poltergeist. I’ll move a lot of peoples car keys just before they have to leave for work.
During live televised events I’ll show up invisibly and give the President or the Pope a wet willie. I’ll be on the field at all my favorite live sporting events, helping out a little to ensure my favorite teams win.
You know that feeling you get when you feel like someone’s behind you but you turn around and no one’s there? That’ll be me. Who knows? Ghost Phil may even zip into the internet and follow the connection to your computer and cause embarrassing typos when you’re posting pictures.
So do you believe in life after death? Do you think there are real ghosts? Have you ever had an experience with what you think was a ghost? What would you do if you were a ghost?
Have a great Thursday, and yes, I do think we should celebrate National Paranormal Day by pulling out the Halloween decorations! ~Phil
Yes, on this very day, at this exact time, on April 3rd in 2005, I put my writing legs up in the stirrups, leaned back and gave birth to The Phil Factor. Yes, the image was meant to make you cringe a little. If my blog was a person it would be starting to curse at it’s parents and experimenting with alcohol while failing geometry. There’s not many blogs in the world that have been active as long or longer than mine, and I’m proud of that. Earlier this year I surpassed 2000 posts where I have talked as if someone is listening.
My Blogger sidebar before I moved it over to WordPress. I love that at the bottom it shows 2005.
Yes, I know that over the past two years, I haven’t blogged as often as I used to. I’ve had a lot of real life going on in my life and I’ve discovered that for me writing is something I do a lot of when I’m happy and not as much when I’m stressed. I’m starting to feel a bit more settled as all the changes in my life have become the norm for me. So, as I traditionally do, I will copy and paste my very first blog post so that if you missed it, you can enjoy it as if you’re watching a re-run from an old show.
What Up Dawg? Is it just me or is everyone sick of Randy Jackson’s act on American Idol? How many times can we hear, “What up dawg?” Or his other favorite, “It was a little pitchy in spots,” or “It was just ahh ight for me.” The dude is like one of those action figures where you squeeze him and he has three pre-programmed phrases he rotates through. Nearly as bad is Paula Abdul. Has anyone else noticed that this season she seems drunk every week? She loves everyone this season and seems to find an excuse to physically grab Simon Cowell every week. Considering her recent charge of leaving the scene of an accident after she clipped another car on the freeway, how ironic is it that her big 1988 hit song, Straight Up, included the line “caught in a hit and run”?
That’s how I introduced myself to the blogging world and I was rewarded with ZERO comments or likes. Also, I’d like to give a shout out to my longtime blogging friend Jennifer of Not Quite Perfect , and a few other blogs, who has been blogging longer than me and is still at it. Visit her site and give her a like or comment.
Lastly and most importantly I’d like to say thank you to all of my blogging friends who have made this the wonderful, welcoming blogging community that it is. I have appreciated every read, like or comment over the past seventeen years. Without you, I probably wouldn’t have lasted a year.
Cheers to all of you and I hope we can share a glass of champagne some day. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil
Many of you are familiar with my previous Snap Judgement Oscar Awards where I give out my own Oscar Awards to the movies, actors, and actresses that I think really deserve the awards. I’m still going to do that, but this year, I’m adding a twist. I’m going to use my psychic talents. After telling you who I think really deserves the award based on my own idiotic reasoning, I will use my psychic powers to predict who I think the Academy will give their awards to. I’m only going to choose three in each category just to shorten this up. Without further adieu…
Top 3 Best Supporting Actress Nominees: Kirsten Dunst, The Power of the Dog; Judi Dench, Belfast; Ariana DeBose, West Side Story. The winner of my Snap Judgement Oscar Award is Kirsten Dunst for her work in the 2002 movie Spider-Man. She never got the credit she deserves for being the first to play Spider-Man’s girlfriend, Mary Jane Watson. Honestly, Tobey Maguire dragged that film down and Kirsten Dunst’s Oscar chances with it. My psychic prediction for the 2022 Oscar for Best Supporting Actress: Ariana DeBose in West Side Story.
Top 3 Best Supporting Actor Nominees: Kodi Smit-McPhee, The Power of the Dog; J.K. Simmons, Being the Ricardos; Troy Kotsur, Coda. The Phil Factor choice for this years Snap Judgement Best Supporting Actor Award goes to J.K. Simmons for his role as J. Jonah Jameson in the 2002 epic Spider-Man. If not for Tobey Maguire, he would have gotten that 2002 Oscar. In my world, if J.K. Simmons wants an Oscar, J.K. Simmons gets an Oscar. My psychic prediction for who the Academy will choose as Best Supporting Actor: Troy Kotsur for Coda.
Top 3 Best Actress Nominees: Jessica Chastain, The Eyes of Tammy Faye; Kristen Stewart, Spencer; Nicole Kidman, Being the Ricardos. Although Jessica Chastain has made the transition from women’s soccer to acting, she won’t be the choice for Best Actress. My personal choice for The Phil Factor Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Actress is Kristen Stewart because she was smart enough to break up with Robert Pattinson, the worst Batman ever. Unfortunately for Kristen, my big psychic noggin says that the Best Actress Oscar goes to Nicole Kidman for her work overcoming the dead weight that was Tobey Maguire Val Kilmer in Batman Forever in 1995. It may not be Spider-Man, but it’s close enough.
Top 3 Best Actor Nominees: Benedict Cumberbatch, The Power of the Dog; Will Smith, King Richard; Andrew Garfield, Tick, Tick…Boom!. Woo! This category is loaded this year. The Snap Judgement Oscar Award es to Andrew Garfield for his role in Spider-Man: No Way Home in which he shined despite the presence of Oscar killer Tobey Maguire. Despite my Spider-Man love, my psychic prediction for Best Actor is Will Smith for King Richard and because we all still remember when Fresh Prince Will and Carlton did that dope dance number to Apache by the Sugarhill Gang.
This combination of photos shows promotional art for the films nominated for an Oscar for best picture, (Focus Features/Apple TV+, Netflix, Janus Films & Sideshow, Warner Bros. Pictures, Warner Bros. Pictures, Searchlight Pictures, Netflix, 20th Century Films via AP)
Top 3 Best Picture Nominees (I have seen none of these movies):
The Power of the Dog: A Western based on a 1967 novel by Thomas Savage with the same title. It’s got a great cast and won a bunch of awards, but a Western?!!? I’m falling asleep just writing this paragraph about it.
Belfast: A movie about a boy growing up during a sort of civil war in Northern Ireland in 1969. If they could have made this about a boy growing up in war torn Ukraine, they’d have that Oscar in the bag already.
CODA: If you’re not familiar, CODA stands for Children Of Deaf Adults. This film is about a young girl trying to balance her desire to help her family’s struggling fishing business while pursuing her dream of going to college for singing. Yes, singing, not signing.
My Snap Judgement Oscar Award for Best Picture goes to…Licorice Pizza, another Best Picture nominee that is a sentimental, coming of age comedy/drama. I’m a sucker for coming of age comedies because, let’s face it, don’t we all identify with those movies?
About 5 years ago I had my first experience with a psychic medium. If she was any good she’d be called a psychic large. Am I right? A winery near me had a psychic medium doing tarot card readings every weekend. For $25 you’d get a glass of wine and your reading. Below are my cards. Truth be told, if she really is psychic she’d know that the flower print table cloth is a terrible background for people who want to take pictures of their cards.
I’ll tell you my mind set approaching this. I believe that psychic phenomena does exist, however, I am skeptical of those who claim to have psychic abilities. I take a “prove it to me” approach. I went into the reading determined not to give the psychic any information that would lead her into general statements that I would then interpret through my point of view and believe she was psychic.
As soon as my psychic, Maren, dealt the cards I shouted “Blackjack!” which she didn’t even laugh at. Interestingly, just now as I typed “dealt” I accidentally added an “h” on the end of it, making it dealth which is only a letter away from death.
Yes, I did get the death card. I didn’t panic because first of all, I’m Phil, and secondly, in writing a good novel your main character can be faced with three types of death: physical, romantic, or occupational. Think about novels you’ve read and you’ll see one or more of those themes in all of them. For me the psychic surmised that the death card was related to a work situation. She was right. I hadn’t lost my job, but had recently found out I wouldn’t be getting a highly coveted promotion. That’s one in favor of the psychic.
To start the reading, I was asked to choose an identity card. She explained the traits of each and asked me to choose the one that I felt reflected my personality the best. I wanted to choose the Knight of Swords but was told that I was too old to be a Knight, so I had to be a King. Obviously she wasn’t taking mental age into account. Of the Kings I chose the King of Wands. Maren laid this down and flipped over a card that completely covered my identity card. Her eyes got big and she looked up at me. The card was the High Priestess card. “Are you psychic?” she said. “You’re either psychic or very intuitive.”
I didn’t admit if I was psychic and allowed her to continue. She had laid out the cards in the Celtic Cross formation. I was pleasantly surprised that she was spot on accurate on a bunch of things and happily the final card of my reading was the Three of Cups card seen below, which indicates a happy ending that apparently has nothing to do with a massage.
As far as the last card being the celebration of some accomplishment, you’d think if her goal was to make her customers happy she would give that card to everyone.
I went with my wife and two friends who also had readings and none received similar interpretations in their readings. In our discussion after we discovered that everyone’s readings were different and everyone felt she was surprisingly accurate, even the two of us that went in as skeptics. My verdict: I think Maren really did have some psychic abilities.
At the end she handed me her business card which said “Maren’s Messages. ” I was disappointed it didn’t say “Maren’s Massages.” A massage and a psychic reading in one? How awesome would that be?
I know this isn’t as funny as most Phil Factors, but here’s my idea: If I’m psychic or intuitive, in addition to the fact that I have a Master’s in Psychology, I imagine that I’d be pretty good at this process. What if, as a party entertainer I did humor infused psychic Tarot card readings? “What? The Death card! Ummm….no I don’t take credit. You’ll have to pay cash. Right now.” Or maybe, if someone gets The Three of Wands “Oh sorry. Your co-workers like you….the way Ukrainians like Putin.” I’m pretty sure if I studied the cards and put some thought into it I could come up with a bunch of smart ass lines. What do you think? Should I go into the psychic party entertainment business? Also, would anyone be interested in me interviewing a psychic (besides me) for a Phil Factor post?
As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor I’d love it if you’d share it by the Facebook or Twitter buttons below. Also psychic readings are now available on The Phil Factor for $25. Have a great Thursday, and stay tuned for my psychic predictions for the Oscars on Saturday! ~Phil
I was in a nostalgic mood this past weekend and watched some 80’s movies. Then I decided to create this list to see what others had to say about the movies of the best decade ever. If you agree or disagree, I’d love to hear in the comments what movies you’d add or take away from my list.
10. Raiders of the Last Ark, 1981. Starring Harrison Ford. Best line: “Snakes! Why’d it have to be snakes?” Who else feels this way?
9. The Breakfast Club, 1985. Starring Judd Nelson, Emilio Estevez, Molly Ringwald, Anthony Michael Hall, and Ally Sheedy. Best line:Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?” –John Bender to Richard Vernon
8. The Princess Bride 1987: Starring: Cary Elwes, Robin Wright, Andre the Giant, Fred Savage, Wallace Shawn, Chris Sarandon, and Mandy Patinkin. Best Line: Have fun stormin’ da castle!” A great cameo by Billy Crystal
7. The ‘Burbs 1989: starring Tom Hanks, Carrie Fisher, Corey Feldman, Bruce Dern, and Rick Ducommon. Best line: “Ray, there’s no doubt anymore…This is real. Your neighbors are murdering people…They’re burying them in their backyard. Ray… this is Walter.” This is from the funniest scene in the movie.
6. Beetlejuice 1988: Starring Michael Keaton, Geena Davis and Alec Baldwin. Best line: “I’ve seen the Exorcist 167 times and it keeps getting funnier everytime I see it.” I was traumatized by the Exorcist.
5. Top Gun 1986 Starring Tom Cruise, Kelly McGillis, Anthony Edwards, and Val Kilmer. Best line: “You’re not going to be happy unless you’re going Mach 2 with your hair on fire.” You and me both Maverick.
4. Batman 1989 Starring Michael Keaton and Jack Nicholson. Best line: “Tell Me Something, My Friend, Have You Ever Danced With the Devil in the Pale Moonlight?” In comparison with Adam Wests 1960’s Batman, this was a shock to the superhero movie genre.
3. Back to The Future 1985 Starring Michael J. Fox, Christopher Lloyd, Lea Thompson and Crispin Glover. Best line: “Roads? Where we’re going we don’t need roads!” I wanted to be Marty McFly.
2. Field of Dreams, 1989 Starring Kevin Costner , James Earl Jones, Amy Madigan, and Ray Liotta. Best line: “Ty Cobb wanted to play…but none of us could stand the son-of-a-bitch when we were alive, so we told him to stick it!” It would have been too easy to go with “If you build it…”
1. Ferris Bueller’s Day Off, 1986 Starring Matthew Broderick, Alan Ruck, Mia Sara, Jennifer Grey. Best line: “It’s not that I support fascism or any ism for that matter. Isms in my opinion are not good. A person should not believe in an ism, he should believe in himself. I quote John Lennon, “I don’t believe in Beatles, I just believe in me.” Not bad, but then again he was the walrus.” As adults, don’t we still imagine skipping work and having a day like this?
There you go, MY top ten 80’s movies. If you could expand the list by adding your favs, what would some of them be?
I’d like to wish a sincere Happy Holi to my Hindu friends and Hindi speaking friends out there! Thank you for all your views of my blog over the past several years! For the rest of you, in India Holi is a holiday celebrated much like our St. Patrick’s Day. Different meanings, but similar celebrations.
Today the Hindu holiday of Holi began. It is the annual Spring festival of colors. So, why am I wishing a Happy Holi or होली होली to readers of my blog? Because I have many Hindi speaking readers. Just to be clear though, not all Hindi speaking people are Hindu and not all Hindus speak Hindi, but the majority of each is also the other, got it? Hindi is a language and Hindu is a religion.
So what exactly is Holi? It’s a Hindu Spring festival that celebrates the victory of good over evil and light over the darkness. It is a time of forgiveness and repairing relationships. Holi is not only a celebration of Spring, it is also a known as The Festival of Love, celebrating the eternal love of Radha-Krishna, the masculine and feminine realities of God. And it involves drinking a lot of Feni, a lot of fireworks, and everyone getting covered in colorful powder. (If you click the THIS LINK you can watch a popular Indian TV series about the mythological story on Disney+)
So why do so many Hindi speaking people read my blog? Because of two posts about हिंदी सेक्स. Over the last several years my blog has become a hotspot for the Hindi speaking crowd. I imagine that in India there are entire internet message boards dedicated to discussing फिल फैक्टर (Phil Factor). What posts are those? I’m glad you asked:
The rest of this post will be in Hindi in deference to my many Hindi speaking readers and friends. होली मुबारक! फिल फैक्टर दुनिया का सबसे अच्छा ब्लॉग है! मेरी किताबें खरीदें और आप अपने सपनों के साथ मिलेंगे!
The year was 2000 and I was in an Irish store in Stowe, Vermont. As I browsed the genuine Irish knick-knacks there was music playing overhead that immediately resonated in my heart and my head. I am half-Irish. I asked the cashier if she knew whose music it was. She replied, “Of course. We have it right here,” as she handed me Black 47‘s Live in New York City CD. At the time, since The Phil Factor didn’t exist yet, little did I know that 15 years later I would get to interview lead singer Larry Kirwan. Below is that interview.
Click the Youtube video to hear some of their amazing music. Every song sounds like you’re at a party in a crowded Irish pub.
(Oct. 26, 2015) Although the band called it quits on their own terms in 2014, frontman Larry Kirwan has remained extremely busy. Considering that he writes books and plays, writes for The Irish Echo, hosts a weekly Celtic music show on SiriusXm radio, and performs solo gigs (his new single Floating dropped last week), I was happily surprised when Larry replied to my email.
Me: Growing up in Ireland, who were your musical influences?
Larry: They were legion. Though it was a small town, Wexford had its own Opera Festival. Many people emigrated to London and brought back whatever was happening in music. Rockabilly artists like Eddie Cochran and Gene Vincent were popular with the local Teddyboys and you could hear their reverb-drenched songs pumping from the town’s only jukebox. As well as that there was a strong tradition of Folk Music that I loved. And to top it all, my father was a merchant marine who loved Calypso and Tango music. I imbibed it all. But everything came together when I first heard Bob Dylan’s Like A Rolling Stone. Astral Weeks by Van Morrison was also deeply influential – probably still is.
Me: From your books and music, your love of New York City is apparent. Was there ever a time you considered returning to Ireland for good?
Larry: No, I never did. I knew from the first minute I arrived on my own with just $100 in my pocket that I wouldn’t be going home. I was illegal for 3 years and couldn’t go back and by then, after living in the depths of the East Village, it was way too late.
TPF: When you and Chris Byrne started Black 47 in 1989 did you imagine that the band would become as popular as it did?
Larry: Our first thoughts were staying alive or at least not getting the shit beat out of us. The Bronx bars we played in were rough – we were playing loud and provocatively – so we weren’t very popular, to say the least. We weren’t very good either. But four sets a night, is great practice. And there was a shortage of bands, so we could do four nights a week no trouble. We were committed to playing original music in places that just wanted cover songs. After a year, though, I knew we had something different – and that’s always the most important thing. Besides that, we were both naturally very political – and that seems to give you a bit of a cachet. I don’t think we ever thought about popularity that much. We were a band doing what it wanted to do – that might seem old fashioned now, but to us it was pretty much everything.
Me: You’ve also written several books and plays. What was your first love, writing or music? Or did one lead to the other?
Larry: I was an early reader and read voraciously through much of my life. I always thought I’d be a writer of some sort but I put it off for a long time. Meanwhile, I was in love with music so I got into songwriting and performing. I wrote a novel in my early 20’s that wasn’t very good, although I remember certain scenes fondly. But playwriting got me really into writing. I had a small talent for dialogue that made it easy to get a start. Then I had a very minor hit with my second play, Liverpool Fantasy, and that gave me confidence. I’m up here in Toronto at a workshop of a musical of mine, still coming to terms with that.
You probably have a better idea of what I’ve done with songwriting. Being a member of Black 47 was such a great outlet for me. We always needed new songs and the 25 years went by in a blur. We rarely performed more than 6 songs from an album of 12 so I’m getting re-acquainted with some Black 47 songs right now as a solo performer. It’s interesting stripping them back into their original form and finding the soul of them.
It’s a little odd. When I get an idea now I can transform it into a song, a play, or a novel pretty effortlessly, whereas when I began dabbling in all three disciplines, I always knew which of them the idea would slot into. A blessing or a curse? I guess I’ll find out as I go along.
Me: I’ll look forward to your next novel and I’ll be sure to feature it here. You’re still performing solo gigs and it’s been almost a year since the band stopped performing. Are there any plans for any more occasional Black 47 shows?
Larry: I don’t see there being any more Black 47 shows. It was a moment in time – 25 years of a moment. I miss the guys a lot – we were brothers – not just the members of the band but the crew members too. But then, I suppose, Black 47 was always more than a band. We were political, and did things our way, never looked for approval. We were probably closer to our fans than any band and yet we always played just for ourselves. I prefer to keep it that way. Onwards and upwards and look back with pride.
TPF: Larry, as a long time fan of Black 47 I’d like to say thank you to you, the rest of the band and crew for the 25 years of great music. I look forward to hearing more of your solo work and reading your novel. Also, thank you for taking time from your busy schedule for me and my readers. For readers and fans who want to keep up with Larry, you can find him on Facebook, at his blog and on Sirius XM radio hosting the Celtic Crush show on Sunday mornings. His solo music and Black 47 albums are available in stores and all the online outlets. You can find his books on Amazon, other online retailers and in bookstores.
This is my bi-annual reminder that tonight in the United States we move our clocks forward by an hour and my reminder to you that it’s stupid. I’ve been posting this every Fall and Spring since 2006 and will continue to do so until we do away with Daylight Savings Time.
When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law getting rid of Daylight Savings Time. I don’t know if all other countries do this. I do know that not all the U.S. states abide by it. Daylight Savings Time was created about 120 years ago to give farmers more daylight in which to do their work in the fields. Call me crazy, but why the hell didn’t someone just suggest that the lazy ass farmers drag themselves out of a bed a little earlier each day? Because those cud chewing, overall wearing, udder jerking lay-abouts can’t be bothered to set their alarm clocks we’re all stuck changing time?
I don’t know if anyone else noticed, but about ten years ago the U.S. Congress, in another colossal waste of their time and our tax dollars, extended daylight savings time by a few weeks on either end.
First off, why isn’t it called daylight spending time since we are using more daylight in the summer months? Secondly, at this point the farmers (except the creepy Amish ones) all have electricity and alarm clocks, which may not have been the case 120 years ago. I can get away with saying that about the Amish because my demographic data shows that I have very low readership among the Amish. I guess they just don’t get me.
Reportedly the reason Congress did this is to save energy. How will changing our clocks twice a year save energy? Don’t we set our thermostats and use heat based on the outdoor temperature, not how light out it is? I’d like to save the energy I expend changing my clocks! I’d like Congress to tell me when I get that back. Congress has again proven to be the biggest collection of morons outside of…well…I guess I can’t think of a bigger collection. Why doesn’t Congress set their alarm clocks an hour earlier so they can get up early and get more of this important work done?
B.T. dubs, if we set our clocks ahead an hour now but we turn them back in the Fall, over the course of a year what difference does it make? If we learned anything from Marty McFly it’s that we shouldn’t muck about with time. Also, according to statistics, the day after we change our clocks there are more workplace injuries, car accidents, and for the day, a 10% rise in heart attacks.
I, for one, am not going to go for this stupid daylight savings time thing anymore. I don’t work at a farm or for Congress, so I told my boss that for 6 months I’ll be to work an hour early or late, however it works out. When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, this is going to change
If you’d like to support my bid for President or Sexiest Man Alive, please hit the Facebook, Twitter share button below, but hurry because you have an hour less to do it in this weekend. Or is it an hour more? Have a great weekend! ~Phil
I don’t know about you, but I dread my annual physical. Who doesn’t? If there’s anyone reading this that actually looks forward to an annual physical, please explain why in the comments. I dislike mine mostly because it takes soooo long.
I didn’t seem to have any pressing physical issues, that I was aware of, so I was about three months past due on getting my annual physical. When they called I thought to myself, “What a great, legit way to get out of the last two hours of work on a Friday afternoon!” Who doesn’t love to start their weekend with a good probing?
This is definitely me
5. If they are examining any orifice from your mouth to the stuff downstairs, you should casually say “This is so much less painful than when the aliens did it.”
4. When filling out the paperwork in the waiting room loudly shout to the front desk, “Hey! There’s no questions about fleas and ticks. Why did I even come here today?” Follow that with a little scratching.
3. When they’re prepping to give you a vaccination, hold your arm out inside up and ask if they are going to tie it off first, then mumble, “Sorry, force of habit.”
2. If you are a man, always wear a leopard print thong to your appointment. If they’re going to make you feel uncomfortable for 45 minutes, then you might as well do the same to them.
This really did happen to me once
1. When they have you step on the scale in the hallway, insist on stripping all your clothes off so you can get your best weight. If they have to weigh me and that number is going to be written in stone until I show up next year then they damn well better get it right.
If you can manage to squeeze all five of these in to one appointment, I guarantee that you’ll be having a lot more fun than the other patients. If anyone has any other suggestions for making medical appointments more fun, put them in them comments and I can compile and repost this.
Self-proclaimed grand poobah of leisure and author of humorous suspense novels The Sneaker Tree & White Picket Prisons, the humor essay book Fifty Shades of Phil and the long running blog The Phil Factor.