Tag Archives: psychic humor

Psychics First Date

A man in a turban and a purple velour cape sitting alone at a table in a swanky Italian restaurant. He stands up as he makes eye contact with a woman who has just entered and he gives her a little wave. She acknowledges him and starts to weave her way between tables. Her many chiffon scarves flow freely from her, brushing peoples heads as she passes.

Karnak the Magnificent: “Why hello Esmeralda! Have a seat,”  Karnak says as he pulls out her chair for her.

Esmeralda: “Thank you Karnak. This is a lovely restaurant. However did you choose it?”

K: “This is where my grandparents went on their first date sixty years ago. They’ve always told me the story of their magical first date, and I have a good feeling about you, so I thought it might be a good luck charm for us.”

E: Aww…that’s sweet, but it would be more sweet if your ex-girlfriend didn’t wait tables here and you weren’t bringing me here hoping to make her jealous.

K: “What? That’s preposterous! I love the food here!”

Esmeralda raises an eyebrow.

K: “OK, you got me, but the food is really incredible.” Nodding to waiter, “Yes, Cabernet for both please.” Turning to Esmeralda, “Besides, on your dating profile you said that you’re 28 when you’re really 30.”

E: “So we’ve both started this relationship with little white lies. Fair enough. Let’s try to turn our heads off and get to know each other the old fashioned way.”

K: “Agreed. So Esmeralda, where did you grow up?”

E: Chuckles, “Well, I grew up a little bit almost everywhere. My parents were gypsies who traveled with the circus all over Europe. They read the Tarot cards for a living. How about you?”

K: I was an orphan, raised by Tibetan monks in the mountains of Nepal. I immigrated here to the States with them when I was twelve. They came here to build a monastery in the Hollywood Hills. It’s actually right next to a Scientology resort. Tom Cruise came over and bought an alpaca from us once. So tell me about your travels in Europe. Which country was your favorite?”

E: “I loved all of Europe. It’s hard to pick just one country, but if I have to, I’ll say France. Our circus set up just outside of Paris for several months. The people, the food, the wine. I could see the Eiffel Tower all lit up at night. That was a magical time. So Karnak, how did you come to realize that you’re psychic?”

K: “Huh? I’m sorry. I was lost in thought. What did you say Esmeralda?”

E: “You weren’t lost in thought. You were lost in my cleavage! I can read your mind you idiot. And yes, there are more tattoos. Very interesting ones in very interesting places.”

K: “Ok, if we’re going to get real here, let’s get real. Yes, you’ve been to Paris. Paris, Texas where you grew up. You can drop the hokey accent now Paula. Esmeralda? Please. You look like an Esmeralda about as much as I do!”

E: “You want to get real? You weren’t psychically drawn to my booth down at the boardwalk. You read my profile on Tinder and came and found me, hoping your hokey psychic line would get me!”

K: “Listen Paula, I also know that you’ve been wondering about what’s under my …ahem..(using finger quotes) “turban” all night long.”

E: “Listen Steve, yes, I know your real name, are you as hot as I am right now?”

Karnak/Steve: “You already know I am. My place is just around the corner. Let’s get our food to go.”

Esmeralda/Paula: “And when you say “you’re place” you really mean your parents house and we’re going to sneak in through the walk out basement door in back, right?”

Steve: “I’ve never been so turned on in my life.”

Paula: “Keep the turban on!”

As you can see, being a psychic certainly could be challenging on the dating scene. But if you could be psychic and read minds, would you?

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

2018 Predictions From a Legit Psychic!

That’s me in the crystal ball. I’m not the lady.

Four years ago when I started my psychic predictions posts, it was just for fun. Then a funny thing happened, I got some right. Startingly, unerringly, spot on right. So I did it again the following year, and a year later I got some more exactly right. Let’s not get crazy. I’m not getting everything I predict exactly right. But I’m getting enough right that it’s possible I’ve got a little bit of psychic stuff in my big ‘ol noggin. So, back by popular demand, here are my predictions for the year of 2018!

Prediction 1: Look, it’s wonderful that we’re all swept up in Royal-mania with the announcement of Prince Harry and Meghan Markle’s engagement, but don’t get carried away. There are other Royals To Remember in 2018. I just made up the phrase Royals to Remember. (I, Phil Taylor, on 12/29/17, hereby copyright the phrase “Royals to Remember” for all eternity.)  OK, back to the prediction, and this one’s a crazy one, so buckle up buttercup. Remember a year ago when I predicted that Princess Kate would get pregnant a third time? Nailed it. Well, Harry and Meghan are scheduled to get married in May of 2018. Kate’s due date is in April 2018. Unfortunately Queen Elizabeth will have a health crisis in March. Fearing the worst, Harry and Meghan move their nuptials up by two months so the Queen Mum can see them married. In the most incredible coincidence of all time, Kate goes into premature labor and gives birth on the same day in March that the wedding occurs. Hours after both events on the same day, Queen Elizabeth will pass away.

This is not me, but I’m considering the hairdo

Prediction 2: I will interview psychic Gary Spivey for The Phil Factor. Of course he already knows this and so do I. In fact we both knew it months ago.

Prediction 3: The Earth will not end. A lot of psychics like to make headlines by predicting the end of the world. Not me. I’m going out on a limb and predicting that the world will still be here in a year. In 2009 I made my first Earth saving prediction and it was borne true in December of 2012. Remember when everybody believed that because the ancient Mayan calendar ended in December 2012 that the world end then? Read this post I wrote in 2009 and scheduled to post in 2012. I’m feeling just as solid about 2018, but that’s not to say that there may not been a close call or two coming up…

Prediction 4: You had to know that something about this guy was coming up. Donald Trump, after nearly causing war with North Korea, resigns from the presidency amidst both impeachment and other legal charges brought against him from the private sector.

Prediction 5: Can you smell what The Rock is cooking? It just might be a run for the U.S. Senate. In January of 2018 Dwayne “The Rock” Sexiest Man Alive Johnson will announce his intention to run for the U.S. Senate seat in Florida.

Prediction 6: The Church of Scientology comes apart. Amidst massive celebrity defections and legal tax fraud charges, the church’s leaders disappear leaving the multi-billion dollar coffers empty. Feeling lost, Tom Cruise starts his own religion and the hymns at church functions are the theme songs from all of his movies. (Read the next part to Bob Seger’s Old Time Rock and Roll and imagine Tom Cruise at a podium in Ray Ban sunglasses) “Just put those old religions on the shelf. I’ll make up a new one myself. Today’s Gods ain’t got the same soul. Just follow me, I’m as dumb as a troll.” 

That’s it. What do you think? Am I off my rocker? Feel free to share on social media by hitting one of the buttons below. Have a great Saturday! (I know you will) ~Phil

Top Ten Tuesday! The Top Ten Psychic Pick Up Lines

Psychics are people too. When they’re not reading minds, predicting the future or communicating with the spirit of your Great Aunt Maude, they’re out there looking for love just like the rest of us. I imagine though that their special skills allow them to try a much different approach when meeting someone. Here are the Top Ten Psychic Pickup Lines:

10. I know your future and it’s me.

9. You’re fine. How am I?

8. Let me read your palm. No, not on the table.

7. I’ve been in touch with your great, great grandmother and she wants you to date me.

6. It’s not you, it’s me. Don’t worry, this will make sense in about 6 months.

5. I see a tremendous amount of pleasure in your future.

4. Don’t talk to that guy. He’ll only lead to heartbreak. I on the other hand…

3. I already know what you like

2. Do you have a dog? You do? I’m a pet psychic. Take me to your apartment immediately.

1. Why yes, I do have crystal balls.

Have a great Tuesday! I know you will. ~Phil