Category Archives: Phil Taylor

Wordless Wednesday? Not This Week, I Need Your Votes!

The Annual Blogger’s Bash Awards voting is going on now! You can vote for #ThePhilFactor for Funniest Blog by clicking HERE! You don’t even have to be a blogger. Anyone can vote! Have a great Wednesday! ~Phil

Cemetery of the Heart

picturesofengland.com

picturesofengland.com

We all have a Cemetery of the Heart that we visit from time to time. It is a place that is unique and belongs to each of us alone. Sometimes we visit when it’s sunny and the birds are singing and at these times we are unaffected by the memories each marker represents, thankful that we are in a better place.

Other times we visit our Cemetery of the Heart when the weather is cloudy, cold, and stormy, perhaps mourning the loss of those happy memories that warmed our hearts in days gone by.We may walk down an aisle, a small, grassy path flanked on either side by those tiny markers that barely acknowledge a person’s passing, viewing the tombstones with varying levels of interest and angst. Some of the smaller stones, barely a marker really, may represent missed opportunities, brief connections with people which never came to fruition or doors we did not open when opportunity knocked. Most are relationships that perished in their infancy. We recognize the names on some of these stones and others we do not. Some are lovers, some are friends and some are strangers we may have met in passing.

In the next row over are tombstones of those loves which may have been ill-fated, but which still resonate poignantly in our memories. The path through this row of grave markers is slightly uphill, but we can still easily make the trek. The stones are tall and strong with the names and dates etched in them as they are forever etched in our hearts. Each one a small nick, or scratch, or crack in the surface of our hearts, which may have changed it ever so slightly, but which also gives our heart some of the strength and character which has brought us this far.

As we turn the corner of the gravel path there are only a few graves left to view. Up the long, steep hill at the far back of our Cemetery of the Heart are the monuments and mausoleums. It is inevitable. Once we enter our Cemetery of the Heart we are compelled to walk the entire path, even when it becomes steep and difficult. There is no way to go back and erase what we’ve carved on each tombstone. The monuments and mausoleums may be far fewer in number, but their size and importance dominates our view of the cemetery.

In some places we have erected enormous monuments to lost loves. Some of them stand so tall and broad that they block the sun, dooming the small flowers we have tried to plant since the monument was built. Some of us are so tired from pushing the heavy stones into place that we haven’t even tried to plant new flowers yet. We hope that in time some hardy plants will grow here naturally in the shade of these memories and with enough time perhaps they will grow tall enough to reach the sunlight with branches where birds will nest and sing again.

Next to our monuments we notice a mausoleum. Some of the crypts are labeled and we fondly pay homage to those who still hold a special place in our hearts, those we still wish to check in on from time to time to see that they are well. Finally, if we choose to look closely enough, we can see that the daylight from outside our mausoleum has crept through the doorway to reveal a few empty drawers at the back. At this realization we smile and leave the cemetery in peace, knowing that the storm will eventually pass.

This is an idea for a future novel. Hoped you don’t mind the detour from my usual style of writing. I promise to return to my usual level of idiocy next week. As always, if you enjoy anything I write on #ThePhilFactor I’d love it if you shared by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Channing Tatum: Sexiest Man Alive? Hardly.

People Magazine recently named their Sexiest Man Alive, and again, it wasn’t me. Yeah, I know, shocker. Channing Tatum?!!? Puh- leeze! I scrape stuff off my shoe that’s sexier than Channing Tatum. Have you noticed they always choose actors? Not once have they considered a blogger. First of all, I wasn’t even interviewed. How fair is that?

Go on, compare his picture, which you have to Google to even find, while I put mine right here for all to see, with mine in the top left of the page. His picture, my picture. His picture, my picture. His picture, my picture. I’ve been doing that all night and I still don’t see it. Sexier than me? Who is doing the rating? Ray Charles? Stevie Wonder? (Why aren’t there famous blind women?) I’m mean, c’mon, as far as I know he is completely “between jobs” right now. Meanwhile I have a full time job with health insurance and everything!

And his abs in Magic Mike? Completely airbrushed. My abs? Never been airbrushed. Not once. They are au naturel my friends. Both of them. And those dance moves. Yeah, Channing, we saw Napoleon Dynamite too. Way to go. Pedro for President.

And how about Facebook, the social convention by which all human value is measured. Does Channing let you be his Facebook friend? No, of course not. He is snooty. Snooty? Snotty! I of course will quote Ferris Bueller and let you be my Facebook friend. Check. Scoreboard, Phil again. And talk about snotty! He goes by his full name, Channing. He’s too good for Chan isn’t he? Do see me going by Philip? Of course not. The Philip Factor would sound stupid and snotty. 

Raise your hand if you’ve read Chan Tatums’s blog? Of course you haven’t! He doesn’t have a blog. I do. I have a blog, a full-time job, and health insurance. Chan? No, no, and no. Ask yourself this, who have you spent more time reading about this year, him or me? We all know the answer to that. You’ve been to my blog at least once a week. How many times a week do you go out of your way to read what Chan thinks? Oh wait, that’s right, we’re not even sure Chan has thoughts. Also, you see my picture everytime you visit this blog. Because of that you’ve definitely looked at my picture more than you’ve looked at Chan Tatum’s this year too. Do you know why? That’s right, because I’m sexier. Case closed. In fact my argument here is so watertight that I doubt Channing (read with sarcastic tone) will even attempt to refute it. In fact Chan, if you disagree, feel free to post a comment here stating your case.

If you enjoy my nonsense and want to support my bid for Sexiest Blogger Alive you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle, follow me on Twitter @ThePhilFactor and my humorous, murder mystery novel White Picket Prisons is available for the Kindle, Nook, and iPad. If you liked what you read today feel free to leave a comment below and hit the Facebook “Share” button when you go back to your page. Also, if you’re not my Facebook friend yet, feel free to friend me. I doubt that’s an offer you’ll get from Chan.

 

The Pop Culture Moratorium List

When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I will pass a law that will allow me to place a media moratorium on 5 topics for as long as I deem appropriate. If I had that power today, this would be my list:

1. Lindsay Lohan: No offense Lindsay, but I shouldn’t be able to write your Wikipedia page with just the information I’ve absorbed passively over the last ten years. When you accomplish something positive or constructive I will take you off this list.

2. The Duggars: Being tragically bad at birth control is not reason enough for fame. The fact that I have billions of brain cells and one of them is filled with the word “Duggar” for all of eternity infuriates me to no end. 

3. Kardashians: All of them. Yes, their last name is fun to say, but can anyone name anything they’ve contributed to the betterment of the planet and human race? I would find a deserted island with no contact with the rest of humanity and put all the Kardashians on it until they figure out how to use their “fame” for the good of others. 

4. The Fiscal Cliff: Holy crap! For a phrase that didn’t exist a year ago we all know it now don’t we? Guess what everyone? The country is 16 trillion in debt and if we don’t start paying that back sometime…ummm…aaah…ummm…what happens? We don’t know, but we’re all vaguely anxious because the phrase “fiscal cliff” sounds scary and the media keeps saying it. Maybe if we think of it as a frugal guy named Clifford it won’t be as scary, as in “That Fiscal Cliff is a cheapskate, but he managed to put away enough in his 401k that he can retire at 55.” 

5. Twitter: Apparently nothing can exist or be considered significant unless it’s on Twitter, where if it can’t be said in 140 characters then it doesn’t need to be said. Twitter is the intellectual equivalent of eating one jelly bean after another instead of having a full meal. 

Other topics on the verge of making this list: Obamacare, Gangam Style, Ben Bernanke, and Rob/Kristen/Twilight.

If you enjoy my nonsense and have no desire for a Phil moratorium you can subscribe to The Phil Factor on your Amazon Kindle, follow me on Twitter @ThePhilFactor, and you can buy my humorous, murder mystery  novel White Picket Prisons available for the Amazon Kindle, Barnes & Noble Nook, and in the iTunes bookstore.