I am, at this very moment, in Canada, so for Throwback Thursday I thought I’d pull out this classic Phil Factor from October 2014.
(10/18/2014) You know how people talk about the elephant in the room when they’re referring to something that’s obvious but everyone is pretending to ignore? Canada is the elephant in North America. It’s there but we don’t really pay it much attention, unless Rob Ford goes nuts or…umm…or…uhh..well, I guess there isn’t anything else that makes us notice Canada. I’m also not sure that Rob Ford isn’t a theme park character anyway. (Rob, if you’re reading this, get well. I’m rooting for you)
Canada has been a particularly big elephant to ignore in my life because I’ve never lived more than a 2 1/2 hour drive from their border. I live in New York, but I’m closer to Toronto than I am to New York City. That being the case I’ve always had a good view of Canada but from a safe distance. Sometimes I throw things at it. All those sunset pictures you’ve seen on my blog? That’s Canada on the other side of that lake looming ominously, maybe even leering at me.
Just like going to Disney, as soon as you cross the border into Canada you know you’re somewhere “different.” It’s kind of like where you just were but things are slightly off. As soon as you cross the border into Canada it’s snowing. It could be the middle of July and the entire country is blanketed in snow. I’m not even sure it’s real snow. I think they just produce the fake stuff for the tourists. But is there an even more sinister reason they’re trying to “snow” us?
reddit.com
They also seem to be using that newfangled metric system that everyone was so jazzed up about years ago. Basically that means that all their numbers are in a different language the same way the Smurfs had their own weird little language. I have no idea how to tell time in metric either.
Speaking of different languages, the province of Quebec speaks French! I don’t think that’s an accident either. I think that Quebec is the secret headquarters of Canada. They speak French because they know that all the Americans are too lazy to learn it. They speak French right out in the open, in front of Americans! Arrogant bastards. Since we can’t understand them, they’re free to talk about their secret plan to invade America.
If it were any other country, that type of subterfuge would be worrisome, but we’ve seen their “army” so we’re not too concerned.
popdoctor.com
Another oddity that most people don’t know is that their primary export is not maple syrup or Tim Horton’s coffee, it’s comedians. Seth Rogen, Mike Myers, Jim Carrey, John Candy, Alan Thicke, Michael J. Fox, Howie Mandel, Martin Short and Justin Bieber are just a few of the thousands of comedians and comedic actors and actresses that have been sent across the border to infiltrate and warp the American culture. Seriously, if Justin Bieber isn’t evidence that the Canadians are trying to destroy America then I don’t know what is.
As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor and want to alert everyone to the looming Canadian threat then please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog buttons below. Canada is no laughing matter. Have a great weekend! ~Phil
In honor of #UnitedAirlines attempt to ensure no one will ever fly with them again, I decided to do something different with my Throwback Thursday post this today. In the name of humor I’m combining an old post with some new stuff. Here’s some of the new stuff:
If you’re in the States this week, you’ve heard about this. #UnitedAirlines had overbooked a flight and after boarding passengers United discovered they had sold all the seats. United unfortunately had a flight crew that they needed to get to another city to work on another flight. So they embarked on the usual auction of money and flight vouchers to try to get people to allow themselves to be bumped. It didn’t work. No one took the bait. Next United announced they would have the computer randomly choose four paying passengers that would be kicked off the flight so that United could fly their own employees somewhere.
Apparently three passengers got off the plane, but the fourth, 69 year old Dr. David Dao, from the video above refused. He said he was a doctor and he needed to get home so that he could see patients the next day. After several requests, reportedly given very politely, the United Airlines security crew physically dragged him off as he screamed like a girl who’s seen a mouse. What? Did you just gasp at me for making fun of 69 year old Dr. Dao? To add a weird but unrelated bit of information, several years ago Dr. Dao received 5 years supervised medical probation for exchanging prescription meds for sexual favors with a male patient. It’s completely unrelated, but you’re not so sympathetic now, are you? Can you say karma?
Related to the story, this is something I wrote almost 6 years ago: So as I’m preparing to board my flight home from Richmond, the airline lackey, in a stunningly accurate impression of Charlie Brown’s teacher, announces over the P.A. that my flight is over booked by one and they’d like to offer a $300 ticket voucher to anyone who will take a later flight. How does the airline over book by one? It’s their plane! Don’t they know how many seats it has? Or did someone just take their seat with them when they got off the plane? Do they have to have one of the flight attendants count the seats after each flight and report back to headquarters? “What? We only have 47 seats? I’d swear we had 48 when we left. Call up to the gate and tell them we’re one short. Hey, has this back row exit door been open the whole flight?”
Now that we’re living in a computer age (yeah, just now.) shouldn’t the airlines be able to keep track of how many seats their planes have and sell only that exact amount of tickets? Or maybe they could sell two less tickets than the number of seats just in case someone somewhere makes a mistake with their abacus during the pre-flight seat count. And why do they wait until 15 minutes before your flight leaves to discover their error? That’s when the fun begins. That’s when the game of chicken/auction begins. “Since our flight is overbooked and no one took the $300 voucher we’d like to offer a $500 ticket voucher and two nights at any Marriott hotel.” You think to yourself, “Now this is getting interesting. I might take that.” All the passengers look back and forth at each other because they know that as they clock ticks down the ante goes up. After two more minutes pass Charlie Brown’s teacher clicks the mic again and says, “As we are still overbooked by one we would like to offer a $750 ticket, two nights at a Marriott and a lifetime suppy of Rice-a-Roni, the San Francisco treat.” We all eye each thinking, “now this is getting interesting, and really, is it possible they serve Rice-a-Roni in San Francisco restaurants?” They crowd is watching the auction shouting “Take it, take it!” “Door number 1” “Wait for showcase number 2!”
What kind of business model is this where you can sell a service then essentially buy it back for at least 3x it’s value and then still give the customer the service albeit an hour and a half later? Have you noticed how many airlines that have gone out of business, filed for bankruptcy or merged in the last ten years? Yeah, I’m thinking that if even half the time they had an accurate seat count they could save themselves a fortune every year. It’s like they’re playing an expensive game of Native American giver.(and why did Native Americans get that unfair rep? Wasn’t it the white settlers that stole Manhattan from them for some Mardi Gras beads?). “Um…yeah, we told you that you could have a seat, but we were lying. Will you take $1000 to get on the next flight?” I wish more businesses had this policy. “Yes, Mr. Taylor, I know we said we would sell you the Ford Focus for $17,000, but well, this is embarrassing, umm…Ford is kind of out of those right now. If you could just go away quietly and come back tomorrow we’ll give you a Cadillac Escalade with lifetime satellite radio.”
I apologize for this being a bit long. Enjoy your Thursday! ~Phil
First off, I have to apologize to my readers for having missed this story last fall. Secondly, I have to apologize for including it on my blog at all.
No, despite my obvious boyish charm I do not strive to be Bieber-like. Thirty-three year old German-born songwriter Toby Sheldon, pictured on the left above and now living in the United States, does. He has spent roughly $100,000 on plastic surgery to look as much like the Biebs as possible. It’s not just him though. If you Google you’ll find dozens of pictures of people that have had plastic surgery to look like their favorite stars. Then you’ll find dozens of pictures of their favorite stars who have had plastic surgery to try to reclaim the beauty of their youth. That’s what Toby Sheldon claims as his motivation; the pursuit of a youthful look.
Maybe I should I have titled this The Pursuit of Youthfulness or Youth is Wasted on the Young. If I had though I’d get half as many views. The Bieber may be a colossal asshat, but his name pulls readers to my blog like nobody’s business. Bieber may be the dumbest rich person in the world, but he does have a youthful look. Hey Toby Sheldon, guess what? It’s because he is young, you moron. You’re in your 30’s. I can’t blame Toby too much though. I may not want to look like the Biebs, but I wouldn’t mind looking younger. Like most men, I have the Peter Pan Complex, which is every man’s desire to be portrayed on Broadway by Sandy Duncan.
It used to be that men’s Peter Pan Complex was the result of incongruity between our minds and our bodies. As women will attest, men stop maturing when they’re about seventeen years old. We look in the mirror with our seventeen your old brains and see a forty year old with gray or no hair, crows feet and no discernible abs to speak of. The cognitive dissonance is jarring. Now, our Peter Pan Complex is media driven.
You can’t turn around without seeing a magazine cover or commercial with some shirtless twenty-five year old actor or athlete who only has 2% body fat and a 28″ waist. When I was younger there was no pressure for men to look perfect. When I was a kid the professional athletes and actors were completely out of shape. They smoked and drank and had beer guts and still got the girl. There was no standard to live up to. Now our wives are all ogling these statuesque dudes on TV that we can never look like because we actually have full time jobs that don’t involve working out. Then on top of everything else, you’ve got Vladimir Putin posting shirtless pictures everywhere. He runs a frickin’ country (maybe two now) and he’s out hunting shirtless! I can’t compete with that.
It is so unfair and unrealistic how men are portrayed by the media. You women just don’t understand what we’re going through.
I wonder how that guy is doing now. As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please share by the Facebook, Twitter, or Re-blog button below. Have a great Thursday! ~Phil
This week is the two year anniversary of the passing of one of my favorite authors. If you don’t know his work, I hope this persuades you to read one of his books.
Picture credit: BBC News
(03/15/2015) The literary world has lost a wonderful writer. Sir Terry Pratchett died yesterday at the age of 66 due to Alzheimers. In the title I wrote ‘Rest in Fun’ and I believe that Terry will certainly be having a wonderful time in the afterlife. Yes, if there is an afterlife, I believe that Terry Pratchett probably embraced the new adventure he embarked upon yesterday. Why would I think this? I think this because he wrote of Death. It was a character in some of his books.
The Independent: “But unlike the cold, stereotypical hooded figure wielding a scythe, Pratchett’s Death is a haphazard figure who we see embarking on the very human experiences of getting drunk, dancing wildly and even hankering after happiness. He likes cats. He enjoys curry.”
From his hilarious book Good Omens: ‘DON’T THINK OF IT AS DYING,’ said Death. ‘JUST THINK OF IT AS LEAVING EARLY TO AVOID THE RUSH.’
From his book, Sourcery: ‘Death isn’t cruel, merely terribly, terribly good at his job.’
From Terry’s Twitter yesterday:
Terry’s books were very funny satire and fantasy on all manner of the human condition. If you haven’t read him yet, Good Omens, which he co-wrote with Neil Gaimans, is one of my favorites.
(03/05/16) I joined a cult recently. I knowingly and willingly joined this cult. Don’t worry, it’s not Scientology or the Amish. It’s a different, newer cult. I yearned to be let into their ranks, and now that I’m in the cult I’m certain it will drive me crazy. OK, crazier.
It started the day before Valentine’s Day. My wife knew I wanted into the cult for about three weeks, but I wasn’t willing to spend the money. So, for my Valentine’s Day gift she bought me entry into this exclusive cult. She gave it to me the day before Valentine’s Day so that I could “enjoy it for the weekend.”
She got me a Fitbit. Yes, I’m one of those people now. I’m wearing the thin black wrist band. I’m not sure if it’s a good or bad thing.
All day every day I now know how many steps I’ve taken that day, my heart rate, how many flights of stairs I’ve walked up, calories I’ve burned, my current pulse rate, and the time. The only problem is that it sometimes distracts me from checking how many blog views I have that day. I remember back in the day when people just exercised until they were too tired to exercise any more.
My problem with this thing is that I don’t consider walking to be exercise. Walking is how our bodies were designed to get from one place to another! Now, if I walk a lot in a day I’m expected to feel good about it. I’m told to feel that I’m slimming down. I walked before I had this and I didn’t think anything about it. Now if I exceed my highest step record I’m a champion! Woo! Go me! That’s ridiculous. If you’re a completely sedentary person who gets winded walking around the house, then wearing a wristwatch that measures your steps doesn’t suddenly make you into David Beckham or Ronda Rousey.
You know what would be awesome? If in addition to counting my steps it also gave me a little electric shock when I did something bad for my fitness. Like for instance if, like a dog’s invisible fence, it could shock me if I got too close to a McDonald’s. Or maybe if it sensed that I was about to eat pizza a little message would scroll across it’s tiny screen: “Are you frickin’ kidding me fat ass! That slice is like a thousand calories! Put it down!”
Another problem I have is that I’m not entirely sure that I’m not on house arrest. I know that I’m not on house arrest yet, but like the felons that have to wear an ankle bracelet so they can be tracked if they leave their house, how do I not know that I’m being tracked by the government? That my movements aren’t being entered into a data base some where? We’re all being tracked every day by our cell phones, our GPS’s, public video cameras, and our cars, so I guess that although Edward Snowden and the American Civil Liberties Union would both have fits (but not Fitbits), I don’t care if the National Security Agency knows what I’m doing and where I’m going. I’m pretty sure they don’t give a crap how many steps I’ve taken today.
So here’s where I’m at: so far, three weeks in I’m kind of addicted to my Fitbit, I like to check my pulse and my steps at least twice hourly. I like keeping score. I like feeling like I’m doing well even if I’m not doing anything different than I was before. Isn’t that what modern life is about with all our “likes” from strangers on the interwebs? Yes! More false and meaningless affirmation from an outside source! Excellent, now I don’t have to develop my own self-esteem!
So what are the cults that you’ve willingly joined and enjoy? Now don’t be stingy with the meaningless affirmations; give me lots of likes and comments! Have a great Thursday! ~Phil
Aah my lovelorn friends! The Phil Factor has help for you. With the day of romance nearly upon us, I thought that many of you could use some help from The Dating Doctor. Here’s is my epic interview from 2015.
(02/13/15) David Coleman is The Dating Doctor. Is he a doctor who is dating? Is he dating a doctor? I don’t know and it’s none of our business. What I do know is that David has spoken on relationships and leadership to audiences all over the world. For those of you unprepared for the holiday coming up we’ll focus on the dating part. Don’t worry my literary friends; David’s expertise won’t be limited to just the questions I ask here. He’s got books. Books you need to read before you do further damage to your love life.
news.uwlax.edu
TPF: David, thank you for taking the time to visit The Phil Factor. As you may have suspected, people read my blog. Often they’re people who spend more time relating to others online than in person. What advice about relationships do you have for people in our increasingly social media focused world?
David: To “hover” a few seconds before you hit the send button on a text, post, tweet or mail message. Once you hit send, you have put your words, video or pictures in motion and that action cannot be reversed, and never erased, so you need to be comfortable with all the possible ramifications of the way your words or pictures are received. Also remember, if you publicly play out your relationship on line, every day, its success or failure will be just as public as well.
TPF: What is the biggest mistake people make early in a relationship that could doom their chances for success?
David: They mistake infatuation for love and fall far too fast, far too soon. Infatuation is INTENSE. It is short-lived, demanding and can turn normally rational people into “life is too short…let’s do it” optimists. They say and do things normally reserved for couples who are a bit farther down the line in a relationship and then wonder why they, nor their partner can keep up the level of intensity they felt when they first met.
There are three primary types of loves people experience: Eros (Physical), Agape (Heartfelt) and Philia (Friendship). When a couple allows infatuation to rule their actions, they often skip the development of these stages and then get very disappointed in the end when things “just didn’t work out.”
TPF: What’s the most impactful way someone can grab the attention of someone they are interested in but don’t know in a crowded/busy social setting?
David: Eye contact…smile…say hello. The look you share, the words you use, the way you express yourself and the interest you show will separate you from those who didn’t have the guts to at least say hello. Holding a gaze just for one extra moment and accompanying it with a coy smile lets that person know that among people in a crowded setting, you noticed THEM. Then, before leaving, you need to walk up to them and say, “I just wanted you to know that I noticed you. This is my card (or my name or my email address or my number…). If you ever want to even have coffee, say hello and meet, it would be my honor.” Then graciously walk away. Take the high road. The view is always better from there!
TPF: Craziest question you’ve ever been asked? And what was your answer?
David: A woman came up to me after a show and said, “I’ll bet you have never heard this one…My husband is having an affair…with my mother!” This lady and her husband had a weekly sporting event they took part in, but they were on different teams. She found out that he would skip his games and return home to be with her mother who was supposedly watching their children while they were out competing. My advice to her was, to return home early from her game the following week and walk back into the house with several close friends as witnesses along with her so that it would not be her word against theirs and so that they would be caught red-handed in the act. I also suggested that she get a top-notch therapist and good legal advice if she indeed intended to head in the direction of ending her marriage. I heard from her a year later. She was doing well, had met someone new and felt as if she was at a healthy point in her life. Her husband had been distant and abusive for years so this unfortunate situation gave her the courage and strength to move on. Her and her mother, “we’re still working things out.”
TPF: Your traditional education, Bachelor’s and Master’s aren’t in Psychology or counseling. How did you come to a career in writing books and speaking on dating and relationships?
David: As an undergraduate and graduate student both of my degrees had a high degree of social work, psychology and communications in their curriculum so I received a heavy dose of human nature and communication training. From a young age, I had the innate ability to read people, know where they were in their life and give them the advice that the needed to hear, not necessarily what they wanted to hear. I didn’t care if people liked me, only if they learned from me and my service or advice exceeded their needs and expectations. I also seemed to have the ability to introduce people to each other whom I felt “might hit it off.” My outgoing personality served as a bit of an ice-breaker and allowed others to meet with me as a conduit. Then, they could return and ask me questions and my advice seemed to really help them. Thus, a career was born.
TPF: Our mutual friend, magician James David, referred to you as “A real life Dating Doctor like Will Smith played in the movie, “HITCH!”” Would you say that’s accurate?
David: First, James is an amazing talent and magician. I am proud to call him my friend and yes, he is accurate. What Will Smith’s character portrayed in the movie Hitch is what I do every single day professionally. Like he helped Kevin James’s character connect to the love of his life, I help 10 or more just like him in real life on a weekly basis. I basically try to help people get out of their way as many are self-sabotaging their chances of being happy and meeting someone with whom they would be ideally compatible. I have dozens of success stories under my belt over the past 20 years and enjoy working with people who are seeking healthy relationships and unbridled happiness. Talk is cheap. I am not. I have found that people who pay a price work twice as hard as those who “want something for free.”
TPF: In your experience, are men more clueless about what women want in a relationship, or is it the other way around?
David: They are both mystified at times because the game keeps changing. The speed of the internet and social media, the explosion of dating apps on our smart phones, the increase in the number of people using dating sites and the lack of real human interaction due to texting and tweeting, etc. has made both sexes wonder just how dialed in they are to the opposite sex. You also have an increase in the number of people identifying themselves as bi-sexual, a-sexual, pansexual, transgender…and this keeps both men and women wondering, learning, experimenting and searching for people like me to help them navigate the often treacherous waters of dating, relationships, romance, sex, marriage, divorce and dating after divorce. This is why I try to stay dialed in to the current trends and am not afraid to have candid dialogue with my clients and audiences. You never get a wasted day back, so spending time heading in the wrong direction or paralyzed by fear is simply unacceptable.
TPF: David, thank you again for taking time out of what must certainly be a very busy week for you. For those that want to learn more about David, including his book on leadership as well as his books on relationships you can visit his website, www.DatingDoctor.comand follow him on Facebook and Twitter. Seriously, check out his website. He has some pretty impressive accolades. If you’d like some of David’s coaching you can call or e-mail him too! Direct Coaching: 1-866-Date-Smart (1-866-328-3762) or email: TheDatingDoctor@mac.com
As always, if you want to share the love you get from #ThePhilFactor please hit the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog buttons below. Is there any better gift for your Valentine than The Phil Factor? Umm…nevermind. Don’t answer that.
(1/23/2016) Do you want to find your doppelganger? The word doppelganger is German and literally means double walker — as in a ghost or shadow of yourself. In September of 2009 (yes, 2009) I wrote this post about doppelgangers. I speculated on the possibilities, good and bad, of each of us possibly having a twin out there that looks just like us.
Picture courtesy of BusinessInsider.com
Two Nicholas Cages making movies? How awful would that be? I think finding another me would be awesome. Maybe we could take turns going to work or running errands or doing yardwork. We could run for President and Vice-President and easily defeat Donald Trump.
Sadly, until just yesterday I thought that the only way to meet my doppelganger was to wander the Earth for eternity, hoping to run into him, or her, by chance. Not anymore! Yesterday I found this article about people finding their doppelgangers.
See that picture? Those two women found each other through a website that helps anyone find their own doppelganger. The women even did genetic testing to see if they were related, and guess what? They’re not even likely to be remotely related, meaning that they are truly doppelgangers.
The website, TwinStrangers.net, for $3.99 ( or 2.79 GBP) lets you upload your image to a database and then you select your age range and types of facial features, such as snub nose, curved eyebrows, round face etc. (Why they didn’t name the site Doppelgangers ‘R Us is beyond me) The program will then search for others who have identified the same age range and features and allow you to peruse their images for a match!
These were two of my potential matches. Do those two guys look like me? Maybe a little, but I’m way better looking and smarter. I’m pretty sure I could take them in a fight if it comes to that. How fun would it be to watch a doppelganger fight? That would make a great reality show wouldn’t it? The Doppelgänger Fight Club! Would you be able to punch yourself in the face?
Initially when I signed up it gave me five possible doppelgangers that I quickly ruled out. Then today, I adjusted the filters a little and got those two dopes. For your $3.99 you get to use the website for 6 months. After the ABC News feature the other day I’m sure that there are probably a lot of people signing up, so I’m going to continue my search for my Vice-Presidential candidate or evil twin.
If you’re up for a little fun, I want you to sign up too and report how it goes on your blog, or if you don’t have a blog, e-mail me and I’ll add your story to my planned periodic updates here. Let me know in the comments if you plan to sign up. C’mon! Somebody take me up on this. We could start a Doppelganger Club that would have meetings and go on cruises together. We’d all plan ways to screw with other people like twins do.
I hope you and your doppelganger have a great weekend! ~Phil
Since I’m in Florda as you read this I thought I’d pull out this classic Phil Factor from April of 2013 to pay homage to the great state of Florida. Considering that the movie Patriot’s Day just came out, the second line is kind of eerie
(04/20/2013) Wow it’s been a weird week hasn’t it? From the tragedy in Boston to the explosion in Texas to the nutjob sending poison-filled letters to politicians to American Airlines grounding a days worth of flights because of a computer ‘glitch’. That is a lot of big news and unusual events. At the end of it all, I have to travel for work. Tomorrow I am taking my talents, such as they are, to Miami. You might think that with all the crazy events this week I would be nervous about flying. If you think that you’re wrong.
I’m nervous though. I’m nervous about going to Florida. You’re probably saying to yourself, but Phil, why would you be nervous about going to the Sunshine State? First off it’s weird that you said ‘but Phil‘ when you spoke to yourself. Secondly, you might wonder how any state with Disney World, aka the costliest happiest place on Earth, could be a scary place? How could I not be nervous about Florida? I’m not sure how, but Florida has seriously pissed off Mother Nature. There may not be a more cursed place in the world.
The entire state is like the Fire Swamp from the movie The Princess Bride. Remember The Fire Swamp scene in The Princess Bride? Westley and Buttercup had to battle a myriad of unseen dangers to get through. Florida is a lot like that.
Much like the lightning sand in the Fire Swamp, Florida has sinkholes. It’s like the entire state was built on Swiss cheese. Just like you’ve seen in a million movies where someone steps into quicksand, you could just be walking along happily and the ground apparently just decides on it’s own to open up and swallow people. That’s crazy. Why would you live somewhere that’s a possibility on any given day?
The Fire Swamp had the R.O.U.S.’s, aka the Rodents of Unusual Size. Florida has I.O.U.S. Insects of Unusual Size. In my research for this Phil Factor I came across two news articles. One referenced a Florida infestation of “giant mosquitoes” called gallinippers that are “20 times the size of normal mosquitoes.” Their bite is described as “being stabbed or having a hot nail driven into your skin.” Delightful huh? But it doesn’t end with mosquitoes. There are also giant, “rat-sized, tire puncturing” African snails invading Florida. That’s got to be all kinds of fun when you step out in your bare feet to pick up the morning paper. And seriously remember the R.O.U.S.’s in the movie? Tell me those didn’t look and walk like alligators!
I know that this is a Throwback Thursday post, but I’m adding new material today. See that video above, that was actually filmed on Monday in a Florida town that I drove through.
In the immortal words of Prince Humperdinck, “I always think everything could be a trap…which is why I’m still alive.” Wish me luck this week. If I survive the Fire Swamp known as Florida I’ll probably have some good material for next weeks Phil Factor. As always, if you like what you read here please hit the Facebook Share button and feel free to follow me on Facebook by clicking the ‘Like’ button up there on the top right. I’m adding this later, but just for fun, how about if everyone who reads this puts their favorite Princess Bride quote in the comments section?
(Jan. 9, 2016) The genesis for this post occurred when I was eating at a diner recently. Nearby was a table of ten elderly folks, all looking about 70 if i had to guess. Maybe they were high school friends who still get together weekly. I wasn’t paying them much attention other than the fleeting thought that I wouldn’t want to be the waitress cashing them out when they’re all trying to pay for their meals individually, with exact change and coupons from other restaurants. Suddenly, very clearly, I heard one sentence of their conversation uttered by one of the women. She said, “We grew up without frosting.”
thenourishinghome.com
Really? That’s her tale of woe? No frosting was the biggest hardship when she grew up in the old days? I remember my grandparents, who were born in the early 1900’s telling tales of The Great Depression and World War II. My parents told stories of growing up without television and gathering around the radio at night to listen to their family’s favorite shows. Then it occurred to me that someday I’ll be passing on my own tales of “the good old days” to my grandchildren.
Picture a beautiful brick fireplace filled with the warm glow of holgraphic fire. Imagine elderly Phil wearing a cardigan and sitting in a large, red velvet covered chair with a young child on each knee.
KSL.com
Xena: “Grampa Phil, what was it like when you were young?”
Me: “What do you mean when I was young? Are you saying I’m not? I’m just kidding you little whippersnapper! When I was young, old people said things like whippersnapper, and we didn’t have wi-fi!
Kylo Ren: No wi-fi? But how did you connect to the internet?
Me: There was no such thing as the internet when I was your age. In fact, we had to learn how to do math in our heads, or by writing on paper.
Xena: What’s math?
Me: Oh, never mind. That’s just a thing with numbers. Speaking of numbers, when I was a your age we used real numbers alot, like when we dialed a telephone.
Kylo Ren: Wow! You dialed a real telephone? Was it hard? What does “dial” mean?
Me: (ignoring last question) And our telephones were connected to the wall by a cord! We could only walk about six feet with our phones.
Xena: Why? Did they think you were going to steal them? Were you in prison?
Me: No, (chuckling) I wasn’t in prison and President Bieber was just a singer back then too. Not a good one, but…ok, there’s no buts. He just wasn’t a very good singer. He’s a much better President.
Now that Trump is President, the idea of Bieber someday being President doesn’t seem so far fetched, does it? Have a great Thursday! ~Phil
It’s that time of year again! Time for many of us to join a gym for three weeks. This is a classic post from 2013 that is always appropriate this time of year.
Was your New Years Resolution to get in better shape? Did you sign up for a gym? You may not know it by looking at me, but I belong to a gym. I think there was a law passed stating that the more popular a gym is, the louder the music has to be. If you were to notice only the music and people on cell phones you’d think you were out at a club. I’ll be damned if I can find someone to give my a beer though. That’s why I fill my water bottle with beer before I go.
There are several categories of people that go to a gym. I think that the smallest number belong to the group of normal people who go to the gym a few times a week just to stay in decent shape. That’s the group I’m in. There are several other types. Which one do you fit in to?
1. “Three-weekers.” You may be one of these and don’t know it yet. I call them this because they probably won’t use their membership for more than three weeks. You can always spot one of the three-weekers because they are so clueless about exercise that they actually accept the complimentary session with the personal trainer so they can learn how to use the equipment. Another way to spot the three weekers is that you’ll see them sort of drifting around the gym watching people use equipment as if they are watching animals at the zoo. The three weekers do this to try to figure out which pieces of equipment they might be capable of using without becoming a danger to themselves or others.
2. Locker Room Nudists. Who doesn’t hate these people? These are the people who are obviously way too comfortable with their bodies, and in general they’re usually the people who shouldn’t be. For God’s sake, put on a towel when you walk from the shower back to your locker! And do not, under any circumstances, talk to ME while you are naked. We’re not that intimate!
3. “Women” at the gym. Some of them scare me. When women start doing things like wearing weight belts and bench pressing, doing pull-ups, and curls, I get a little scared about getting too close. I want no part of a pre-menstrual woman who has more muscle mass than me. That is not a safe combination.
4.“The Bicep Bunch.” Just imagine the theme song, “The Bicep Bunch, the Bicep Bunch, that’s the way we became the Bicep Bunch!” There would be the t.v. screen full of the little picture squares, except instead of looking at each other and smiling they would all be looking at their flexing biceps and smiling. In that scenario I would be Alice. The Bicep Bunch has a uniform too. It consists of work boots, denim jeans and a black muscle shirt. They literally walk around the gym in groups of several guys in this identical outfit. I call them the Bicep Bunch because they’re only interested in working out their upper body in hopes of impressing women. Not that impressing women is a bad goal. For most of these guys though, their bodies are disproportionate. They spend so much time on their upper body and none on their lower body that they just have little stick-like legs. I imagine in a fight they’d be pretty easy to take out if you just “sweep the leg Daniel” they’d fall on their back and like a turtle be stuck that way with their little legs flailing helplessly in the air until the rest of the Bicep Bunch flipped them over.
5. Cell Phone People. I have no freakin’ idea how they can even hear anyone on their cell phones over the din of the music. The only exercise these people are getting is exercising their mouths. I’m sure they can’t do real exercise because they’re so winded from talking. It’s always a temptation to drop a big weight on these dopes. Not that I’m carrying big weights, but maybe I could persude one of the Bicep Bunch to do it for me because after taking out their leader Karate Kid style I am now their king.
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Self-proclaimed grand poobah of leisure, parapsychologist, author of several humorous suspense novels and one of the longest running blogs in the world, The Phil Factor.
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