Tag Archives: funny

Ten Quotes: Donald Trump or Darth Vader?

Posted on December 27, 2025 | 5 comments

10. “I have brought peace, freedom, justice, and security to my new empire.”

9. “In the end you’re not measured by how much you undertake but by what you finally accomplish.”

8. “I wouldn’t go to war with you people. You’re a bunch of dopes and babies.”

7. “I am altering the deal. Pray I don’t alter it any further.”

6. “Sometimes by losing a battle you find a new way to win the war.”

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5. “Now release your anger. Only your hatred can destroy me.”

4. “I actually don’t have a bad hairline.” 

3. “Be careful not to choke on your convictions.”

2. “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”

1. ” I believe they like making me out to be something more sinister than I really am.”

So can you guess which 5 quotes are Darth Vader and which 5 are from Trump? Show me how smart you are in the comments. Also, the quotes in italics are from both. I just alternated lines to break up the monotony.

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

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Florida Man, Calm Down About The Humidity!

Posted on June 23, 2024 | Leave a comment

About ten years ago “Florida Man” was an internet joke. You could put the phrase “Florida man” into Google and a list of absolutely ridiculous crimes or catastrophes would come up.

You get the idea. Florida Man is not likely to get invited to a Mensa meeting. But I think I met a Florida man earlier this week on a phone call for work. I live in the northeast of the States and this past week we’ve had unseasonably hot weather, similar to Florida weather. So when I got on the phone with a guy in Florida, we started with small talk and I said, “We’ve got Florida weather up here this week. Temps over 90 and a heat index over 100.”

Florida Man wasn’t having it. He immediately replied, “You don’t have real Florida weather. You don’t have humidity like we do.”

Really Florida Man, that’s your flex? You have warm, moist air? Oh no! You must be so tough to deal with that warm, moist air. I bow down to you. I thought that Marines fighting in the Middle East have it tough, but lucky them, their enemy isn’t warm, moist air. What a nightmare! What a badass you must be to defeat that warm, moist air every day! That’s got to be exhausting.

If I live in Florida and I want to be a badass in a weather conversation, I’d drop a couple hurricane mentions. It’s hard to beat that, but when you talk to anyone from Florida about anything, they find a way to mention the humidity. If you’re a Floridian wanting to feel tough, skip the warm, moist air and mention that occasionally prehistoric man-eating alligators are on your porch in the morning.

I don’t make fun of Floridians without reference. I go to Florida about four times a year. I know what Florida humidity feels like. It is not a big deal.

This isn’t just for that one Florida Man that I spoke to. This is for all Floridians whose biggest challenge in life is warm, moist air: We don’t care about your humidity! We don’t have to “brace” ourselves when we visit your state. Hey, if you Floridians are so tough about weather, then why did so many of you flee the northern part of the country to live there? Obviously you think the horrific, arctic winters in the northeast are worse than a little moist air.

For those of you that read this, make this viral and share it with your favorite Florida Man or Florida Woman that you know. I know that they’ve probably mentioned the humidity to you at least a thousand times already.

For those of you on the other side of the pond, is there any similar thing? Are there people saying, “You don’t know anything about wind until you’ve spent a winter in Latvia!”?

Thanks for reading! Have a great weekend ~Phil

#PHIL2024

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My Paranormal Investigation of Thompson Park, Watertown, New York

Posted on May 30, 2024 | 4 comments

Alien abduction is fun! And a little sunburn…

So last June I investigated the “interdimensional vortex” in Watertown, NY’s Thompson Park.

Dear Watertown, NY: If you are going to name something after a supernatural phenomena, please get it right. You claim that there’s an “interdimensional vortex” in your park.  Vortex refers to a mass of whirling fluid or air. People disappearing from one spot and ending up in another sounds like stepping into a portal. 

Secondly, if you’re going to have a freaky park located on a road called Gotham Street, why not work in a Batman statue or two? Are you just going to ignore the marketing possibilities of marrying Batman and an interdimensional portal in your park? 

I spent 90 minutes walking around this Batman-less park hoping to accidentally step into a portal that would drop me on the other side of the universe or maybe even just the other side of the park.

At dinner prior to the park, I did have a large glass of water. When will I ever learn? A little while later I was wandering down a trail in the woods of this park and I felt the call of nature. I needed to pee and I was about a mile from the nearest restroom. So, I did what was necessary and I thought to myself, “How cool would it be if I peed into the vortex/portal and on the other side of the universe it landed on some aliens head?”  Sure it might cause an intergalactic war, but also it might be best practical joke ever, right? Then I saw these: Portal potties!

Yes, I was dying to write that joke into this post.

Also, Watertown, NY, if you’ve got one of these towers in your freaky park, why not paint the top of it like a UFO like the Flushing Towers in Men in Black I ? You’ve got a freaking Area 51 sign in the park! For cripes sake, if I can think of these things, why can’t you guys hire a marketing genius to figure this sh*t out?

People have claimed to lose time and/or be transported from one place in the park to another? I did lose 90 minutes of my life that I’ll never get back, but there was no teleportation involved. I decided that this is just the place that teenagers go to have sex and when they come home too late they tell their parents they got teleported to another universe for a couple hours.

One odd thing was that after 90 minutes of walking around and taking pictures on my phone, it was still at 98%, so maybe those elevated electro-magnetic fields kept my phone charged. No portals but a free phone charge, so I’ll call that a win.

Just because nothing weird happened to me in that park doesn’t mean that it hasn’t happened to others. That’s one part of paranormal investigations that you never see on those ghost hunting shows. In paranormal investigations, there’s a lot of quiet waiting around that you can’t edit out when you’re the one investigating.

Thanks for reading and happy Thursday! ~Phil

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The Phil Factor Grammy Awards!

Posted on January 29, 2023 | Leave a comment

I’ve never given Grammy Awards before, but when I saw that the Recording Academy of the United States would be awarding them next Sunday, I of course decided that I’d beat them to the punch.

When I hear the word Grammy, I don’t think of popular music, I think of my kids Grammy. Where would we be without Grammys? Who would watch the kids when we go out? Who picks them up from school when we can’t get out of that work meeting? And who buys our kids those presents that we would never get for them?

Picture from Adobe Stock images

Without further adieu, here are The Phil Factor Grammy nominees!

Grandmother Peggy Collinsworth of Arcadia, California saved her four year old grandson Matthew from a coughing fit when she swiftly pulled a hard butterscotch candy out of her bra and gave it to Matthew, soothing his sore throat.

Grammy Dot Cullen of  St. Paul, Minnesota is nominated for buying her grandson Ralphie an official Red Ryder carbine action, 200-shot, range model air rifle for Christmas when his mom said no because “you’ll shoot your eye out!”

Grammy Judy Winkleman  of Secaucus, New Jersey is nominated for babysitting her twin granddaughters Rachel and Amy and letting them stay up way past their bedtime so they could watch the rest of the Wednesday series on Netflix, and master the Wednesday dance to impress their friends in school. Rachel and Amy didn’t get bed until their parents were just pulling into the driveway!

Great Grammy Miss Faye of Oakland, California is nominated for attacking a thief who grabbed her neighbors purse. She beat him with her cane until he dropped the purse and ran away. This one is a true story. I love stories like this one.

Our last nominee is  Grammy Nancy King of Scottsdale, Arizona who, after recently learning to use Facebook on her phone, liked and commented on every post from the last four years on each of her grandchildren’s pages.

Have a great Sunday and appreciate your Grammy! ~Phil

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I Wear a Mask Because…

Posted on October 30, 2021 | 1 comment

Guess what? I’m not wearing a mask because the “government” said I should. I’m not wearing a mask because I’m afraid of the virus. I’m not wearing a mask because my job makes me. And I’m not wearing a mask because it makes me look cool. But make no mistake, I do look cool as hell in a mask.

Here’s my deal: I have a great immune system. I just don’t get sick. The last time I remember having the flu was in 1986. I did take a sick day from work once about 5 years ago, but I wasn’t really sick. In addition to my incredible immune system, I am vaccinated A.F. In 2021 I have received three COVID shots, one flu shot and two shingles vaccinations. That’s six vaccinations! The chances of me getting COVID, the flu, or any other transmissible disease is almost nil. I’m not wearing a mask for me. So why do I wear a mask?

I wear a mask for you. Although I’m vaccinated A.F., I could still catch COVID and never know it, but still be transmitting it by breathing out. Someone who is unvaccinated or has a compromised immune system could catch it and end up dead. Wearing a mask is the right thing to do as a human being. If you’re not wearing a mask because you don’t like that your government said you should, you’re an idiot. (but please keep reading because I’m making a point here)

Regardless of what country you are reading this from, your government tells you to do things all the time and you have done them for your entire life. Seat belts in cars? We all wear them. The chances of us getting in a car accident is pretty slim, but if we do, it could kill us. The chances of us getting COVID are relatively slim, but if we do, it could kill us. Masks are like seat belts for our immune system.

Darth Vader making masks cool since 1976

By the way, Darth Vader didn’t die in the movie until he took his mask off.  Additionally, if you wear a mask and put on some medical scrubs that you can buy lots of places, people will think you’re a healthcare worker and occasionally give you free meals at restaurants. Also, tomorrow is Halloween! You’re not opposed to putting on a mask for free candy, but you won’t put one on to save your own life?!!? In summation, if you are opposed to masks, don’t read #ThePhilFactor.

Have a great weekend! ~Phil

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The Streetside Mail Browsers (We hate you)

Posted on August 1, 2021 | 3 comments

If you don’t know what a streetside mail browser is, then please, let me describe them for you. Also, streetside mail browsers don’t just ply their trade in the streets, some do it in their apartment building lobby. 

This is a streetside mail browser: It’s a beautiful, sunny day and you just got home from work. You wave to your neighbor as you stroll down to your mailbox. You pull the small stack of envelopes from the box. Oh! Look at that! A card from Aunt Viv! I wonder how she is. Ooh, is that a sales flyer for my favorite store? 20% off? Oh yeah! I can do some damage to my credit card bill at 20% off! 

What is wrong with you people? Who do you think you are? Could you be more arrogant and inconsiderate? What? Does it come a surprise that others find your behavior inconsiderate and rude? Let me give you the gift of seeing through another’s eyes: 

I’m driving down the street and I see you standing in the street in front of your mailbox. No big deal. I’ll swerve a little into the oncoming lane to get around you. Oh no! There’s a car coming from the other direction and you don’t see it because it’s behind you. So you just stand there browsing your mail like you own the fecking street. Are you kidding me? Where’s you’re awareness? You’re in the street. Oh my God you fecking idiot! Now I have to stop because you’re lost in dreamland reminiscing about Aunt Viv and that time her camp chair broke and she fell right on the ground. 

What? That doesn’t sound like you? What about when I take my dog out to pee and there you are reading all your mail in the street right across from my house and my dog ia going ape-shit because she thinks you’re going to come over and pet her. No, don’t wave and say hi. Just get the feck in your house. My dog can’t concentrate. I don’t want to be out here until you finish reading your mail you inconsiderate dolt. 

Or how about this? In the lobby of the apartment building, don’t stand there blocking ten other mailboxes. I just got in out of the rain and I have to stand there watching you look surprised that you already got a birthday card from your cousin Skeeter. Nobody cares. I’m not your friend and I don’t give a rat’s ass that Skeeter sent you a gift card for Hot Topic. Get your fecking mail and go to your apartment. You don’t own the whole world. 

This has been a public service announcement by The Phil Factor. Enjoy your day. The rest of us are glad there’s “no post on Sundays!”

Have a nice rest of your weekend! ~Phil

 

 

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The Unemployment Diaries: The Final Installment

Posted on October 17, 2019 | 7 comments

Hi everyone! I’m still out here and alive. I’ve actually been back to work for a little over three months but wasn’t blogging much due to the stress, time and travel of the new job. This is a video blog I made about four months ago about the idiocy and proliferation of podcasts but never posted it until now. If you love to hate podcasts, then this is right up your alley. Although, if you do have an alley, I’m kind of jealous. Anyway, enjoy! #ThePhilFactor

Do We Really Need All These Podcasts? 

Have a great Thursday and feel free to leave comments! I’d love to hear your thoughts on podcasts. ~Phil

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Posted in Humor, pop culture, Uncategorized

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We Are Quirky! Hear Us Roar!

Posted on October 28, 2018 | 19 comments

I know that this may come as a surprise to you, but it has recently I have come to accept that I may be quirky. Although, in my head, I’m normal and everyone  else who goes about life doing normal things all the time is boring AF.

Not me. Andy Warhol, notorious quirkster

Guess what? You’re quirky too. We are quirky, not just because we are bloggers, but at least partly because we are bloggers. Yes, it is commonplace for just about anyone and everyone to use social media to express their thoughts and feelings, but we bloggers put time, thought and sometimes rough drafts into broadcasting what’s in our heads. We as a group think that our thoughts are so interesting or entertaining that many, many others would want to hear them. We are an arrogant bunch, aren’t we? We are either arrogant or narcissistic. It’s one or the other. Honestly, don’t you’re friends and family consider you a bit quirky because you’ve got a blog?

But, in addition to our blogs, I would be happy to wager a fair amount of money that many of us are quirky in other ways outside of our blogs. One of my ways that others find quirky is my tie collection. I have easily over 100 ties and a fair portion of them are novelty ties dedicated to superheroes, works of art, or holidays. Currently I’m in the midst of about 2 1/2 weeks of wearing a different Halloween tie each day through Halloween. Feel free to follow me on Instagram @thephilfactor.

So, that’s one of my non-blogging quirks. In the comments, please confess one of your non-blogging quirks.

Have a great Sunday! ~Phil

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TBT! I Ain’t Afraid of No Ghost!

Posted on October 18, 2018 | 8 comments

There’s two things I’m not sure if I believe in, ghosts and death. Well, I’m sure I don’t believe in my own death, and if by chance it does happen, I plan to overcome it by becoming a ghost. I’m sure you’re thinking to yourself What a weirdo! Hey, relax on the judgement there. I’m contractually bound to comeback after death, if I have one, a death that is.

Contractually bound? Yup. Nothing I can do about it now. It was many years ago in college. One night myself and two friends were drinking some adult beverages. You know how when you’re young, like 20 or so and you think you’re really deep even though you’re really idiots who don’t know anything? We had imbibed a few and got to talking about death and the afterlife.

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We all were curious to know if there really was life after death, so right then and there we Googled and then re-enacted a centuries old Druid ceremony complete with a circle of salt, candles under a full moon and signing a pact with our own blood, which was flowing easily because of the alcohol we had been drinking. Ok, no we didn’t, but I had you going there for a second, didn’t I? There was no blood signed contract, and there was also no Google when I was in college, but we did make a promise to each other that whichever one of us died first would come back and haunt the other two so we would know that there’s life after death.

I don’t know where those two college friends are now and don’t even remember ones last name. Hopefully, because of our vow, some sort of afterlife mojo will help us find each other to keep our promise. As far as I know, none of us has ever shown up to haunt the others. With Halloween in the air I got to thinking of this and what else I might do if I were to be a ghost.

Stars DEMI MOORE and PATRICK SWAYZE. Licenced by Channel 5 Broacasting. Contact Five Stills: 0207 550 5583/5509/5544. Free for editorial press and listings use in connection with the current broadcast of Channel 5 programmes only. This. image may only be reproduced with the prior written consent of Channel 5. All rights reserved. Not for any form of advertising, internet use or in connection with the sale of any product.

I know this may be hard for you to believe, but in my life I’ve been a bit of a practical joker at times. I’m pretty sure that if I ever come back  as a ghost I’m not going to take off my shirt and help anyone with pottery. Jeez, what a waste of an afterlife. I’ll probably be what we all know as a poltergeist. I’ll move a lot of peoples car keys just before they have to leave for work. During live televised events I’ll show up invisibly and give the President or the Pope a wet willie. I’ll be on the field at all my favorite live sporting events, helping out a little to ensure my favorite teams win. You know that feeling you get when you feel like someone’s behind you but you turn around and no one’s there? That’ll be me.  Who knows? Ghost Phil may even zip into the internet and follow the connection to your computer and cause embarrassing typos when you’re posting pictures.

So do you believe in life after death? Do you think there are real ghosts? Have you ever had an experience with what you think was a ghost? What would you do if you were a ghost?

Have a great Thursday, and no, you don’t have enough Halloween decorations up yet! ~Phil

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Reasons Why I Hate You on The Flight

Posted on October 7, 2018 | 15 comments

1. You brought an unnecessary “service animal.” I get it. You’re anxious. Flying can be nerve wracking if you don’t do it a lot. If you’ve got a legit dog that can notify others if you’re having a seizure, I’m not talking to you. You’re good. If you have an emotional support animal, well that’s different. If you think that you’re anxious on a flight, imagine how your pet feels. You at least know what it is. They have no idea what’s going on and are probably terrified the whole time. Leave Fluffy home, get a xanax or two from your doc, order a glass of wine and go to sleep.

2. You need both arm rests: For some reason known only to airlines, unless you’re in first class, the seats are so close together that there are shared arm rests. Listen, I don’t care who you are, if I don’t know you, I don’t want my skin touching your skin for the next three hours. Don’t assume that both armrests are your domain. You’re not that fecking important.

3. Keep your shoes on: Hey Zen master, it’s nice that you like to make yourself at home on the plane, but keep your shoes on asshat. Bare feet are for the beach, not the 6:10 flight to Newark. You may love your foot stink in a small confined space with recycled air, but I don’t.

4. The “I can’t wait to get off the plane people.” The second the wheels touch the ground these impatient dolts spring from their seats, get their idiotically oversized bag out of the overhead compartment, hit at least two people as they get the bag to the floor, and then they stake their claim to a spot in the aisle right next to you and then stand there with their ass right next to your head for the next 15 minutes. Calm down Speedy, guess what? You’re not going anywhere until the twenty rows ahead of you get out of the plane.

That is all. Safe travels. So what people do you hate when you travel?

Have a great Sunday!~Phil

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