Category Archives: Top Ten

Top Ten Tuesday! The Top Ten Best TV Doctors

Posted on June 12, 2018 | 37 comments

The medical drama or comedy is a staple of television lineups on just about any network, any night of the week. Who though, are the best television doctors of all time? Here’s my list. If you have other ideas, please leave a comment.

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10. Dr. Perry Cox, Scrubs: He was the biggest jerk ever on a medical show, but he was hilarious as he abused the residents. Scrubs was also a very underrated great show.

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9. House: Overrated show. If you watched the first three episodes you could see the formula every other episode followed: Strange symptoms, they think it’s something, but then almost kill the patient twice while trying to figure it out and in the end House has some brilliant insight and saves the day.  All that being said, Hugh Laurie is a great actor.

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8. Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman: A smokin’ hot woman out on the frontier saving lives? #badass

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7. Doogie Howser,MD: This is more of a lifetime achievement award for Neil Patrick Harris because he was so good on How I Met Your Mother.

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6. Dr. John Watson: Played impeccably by Martin Freeman, who is in everything.

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5. Dr. Spock from the original Star Trek show. Only the original will do.

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4. Dr. Meredith Grey: I think I saw the first episode and never watched it again, but people love it, so here she is. Spoiler alert: There will be no Dr. McDreamy.

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3. Dr. Seuss, aka Theodor Suess Geisel. Dude could rhyme anything. He was a rapper before rapping was a thing. My kids had a Dr. Suess book I’d read to them in a rap cadence and they hated that. The guy that created the Grinch has to be on any list of doctors.

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2. Dr. Hawkeye Pierce, played by Alan Alda on MASH for 11 years. In the early seasons, about the only time his character didn’t have a martini was when he was in surgery.

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1. Dr. Who: Look, I know a lot of you Americans have never seen the show, but Dr. Who has a 50 year run going. You’ve gotta respect that. Also, not only does Dr. Who save lives, he saves planets and universes on a daily basis. They’ve changed the actor who plays the doctor twelve times and people just keep watching.

That’s my list. Who would you add or take away? And why?

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

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Top Ten Tuesday! The Ten Worst Song Lyrics Ever

Posted on June 5, 2018 | 19 comments

Even good artists write bad lyrics sometimes. Here are ten of the worst:

10. Nickelback, Figure You Out: “I love your pants around your feet… You’re like my favourite damn disease.” Not a shock that Nickelback made the list, right? Seriously, who has a favourite disease ?
9. Puff Daddy feat. Mase, Can’t Nobody Hold Me Down: ““Young, black and famous – with money hanging out the anus.” Does he even know how money works? This is exactly why they say money isn’t clean and you shouldn’t put it in your mouth.

8. The Beatles, Ob La Di, Ob La Da: “Ob la di, ob-la-da, life goes on, bra” Thanks genius philosophers. That was helpful.

7. Stone Temple Pilots, Plush: “When the dogs begin to smell her, will she smell alone?” If she’s that smelly, maybe some sort of intervention…

6. R. Kelly, You Remind Me of Something: “Girl you look just like my cars, I want to wax it” R. Kelly has a way with words. I’m sure the ladies like being compared to a car.

5. Kaiser Chiefs, Oh My God: “You work in a shirt with your name tag on it, drifting apart like a plate tectonic.” At least it rhymes. Apparently he has a problem with name tags. How does he order at McDonald’s?

4. Prince, Supercalifragisexy: “Keep the blood flowing down to your feet, Brother Lois will be around in a minute, with a bucket filled with squirreled meat.” Not only does the not sound good, that lyric is anything but supercalifragisexy. Raise your hands, who here wants to be presented with a bucket of squirreled meat? I didn’t think so. 

3. Deep Purple, Highway Star: “She’s got everything – like a moving mouth, body control and everything.” They nailed it. Those are exactly the qualities I find attractive in a woman. My standards are not very high.

2. Queen, Bicycle Race: “You say ‘black’ I say ‘white’. You say ‘bark’ I say ‘bite’. You say ‘shark’ I say ‘hey man ‘Jaws’ was never my scene!’” This is apparently a transcript from Freddie Mercury’s therapy session.

1. Red Hot Chili Peppers, Around The World: “Bonafide ride, step aside my johnson. Yes I could in the woods of Wisconsin.”  That’s maybe one of the best haikus ever, but nobody sings about Wisconsin.

Those weren’t in any particular ranking order, but they are all epically bad. What are the worst song lyrics you can think of? Please add them in the comments and if there’s enough I’ll put out another list and link to the contributors. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

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Posted in Humor, Music, pop culture, Top Ten

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Top Ten Tuesday! My 10 Favorite One Hit Wonder Songs

Posted on May 29, 2018 | 18 comments

Usually one hit wonder songs seem like the greatest musical discovery in our lives for a few months and then they fade away, only to later embarrass us when someone discovers them in our music collection and mocks us. Here are 10 of my favorite one hit wonder songs. What are some of yours? I’d love to hear them in the comments.

10. Your Love by The Outfield. This was an 80’s classic and we all know the lyrics by heart. Oddly, one of my sons recently discovered The Outfield and loves the entire album.

9. Good Vibrations, Marky Mark and The Fun Bunch, 1991 No video here because I’m sure you all know this one. I wonder if The Fun Bunch is having as much fun now that Marky Mark has moved on to bigger and better things.

8. Somebody That I Used to Know, Gotye, 2011

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7. Who Let The Dogs Out? Baha Men, 2000  This song is a particular favorite of mine because of something that happened in a courtroom, one of the greatest moments in legal history, when I was on a jury in 2015. Here is what happened:

This is an actual exchange I witnessed in the courtroom between a cross examining defense attorney and a sworn under oath witness:

Attorney: So, you let the dogs out?

Witness: Yes.

When I heard that, I couldn’t help but smirk and I looked around at my fellow jurors and no one else seemed to have gotten the joke. I’ve never been more disappointed in a group of human beings in my life.

6. Stacy’s Mom, Fountains of Wayne, 2003 I find it impossible not to sing along. If you want to hear the song, don’t be afraid. The video is appropriate.

5. 1985, Bowling For Soup, 2004 Truth be told, I think I may have all this bands songs in my collection and they’re all hilarious. This one is the catchy and funny story of a suburban soccer mom who despises her minivan and wishes she were back in 1985 so that she might have a chance to “shake her ass on the hood of Whitesnake’s car.” Look it up and add it to your collection. You’ll thank me.

4. Jump Around, House of Pain, 1992  I first heard this song in a Pringles commercial in the 90’s. Here it is:

3. Breakfast at Tiffany’s, Deep Blue Something, 1996. I owned the cassette tape of this one long after I should have been buying cassettes.

2. Common People, William Shatner and Pulp, 2004. Pulp originally released this song on their own in 1995. When they re-released with Captain Kirk chipping in, it took them to new heights. If you don’t know it, give it a listen:

Gangam Style, Psy 2012. One of the weirdest most popular songs ever. The crazy video still cracks me up.

There is the Top Ten of one hit wonder songs that are actually in my music collection. So tell me in the comments, what are your embarrassing, dirty little secret one hit wonders that you sing aloud when you’re alone in your car?

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

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Top Ten Tuesday! The Ten Worst Tattoos You Can Get

Posted on May 1, 2018 | 39 comments

I know I look squeaky clean and about as cool as most sit-com dads, but I do like tattoos. I have a few myself and so do others in my family. When choosing a tattoo, my philosophy is that you should choose wisely because you are, for the most part, stuck with that on your body forever more. Some people aren’t so picky though. Based on seeing others, these are my top ten worst possible tattoo choices. In the comments, tell me what your ideas are.

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10. A corporate logo: I like a lot of products, but not so much I’d tattoo them on me. I’ve heard of people being paid to have a logo tattooed on them. No thanks. What if in ten years you find out that company has been poisoning people or making hamburgers out of puppies?

9. Someone’s name: Through a job I once had, I knew a couple that had each others names tattooed on their necks, so of course they broke up. Maybe your name and home address with the phrase “If found, return to:” just in case you pass out somewhere.

8. Face tattoo: The news came out yesterday that Justin Bieber got a face tattoo. Of course he did. He’s a moron. His is just a tiny cross beneath his eye, but others have certainly done much worse on their faces.

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7. The permanent makeup: Sounds like a great idea right? Never have to put eyeliner or lipstick on again! I don’t get it. I think 99% of women look better without makeup.

6. A band name: Unless it’s The Beatles, can anyone think of any band right now that we’ll still consider brilliant 40 years from now? Who’s got that One Direction tattoo? Anyone?

5. A cartoon character: I like SpongeBob as much as the next guy, but I’m pretty sure that when I’m 80 I’m not going to be into Scooby Doo, or SpongeBob, or Batman as much as I was when I was young. Also, when I’m 80 my grandchildren will wonder who all those weird characters on me are.

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4. The bar code: The first time I heard of some one getting a bar code tattooed on the back of their neck I thought it was hilarious. Outside of that first dude, the rest of the people that did it are stupid and unoriginal.

3. A ghost shaped like a penis: The last time I got a tattoo, I asked the artist what was the stupidest tattoo anyone had ever requested from her. Yes, a ghost shaped like a penis. She showed me a picture.

2. The WordPress logo: I’m pretty sure that even if I got a WordPress tattoo and posted a picture of it on my blog every day for a year, I’d still never get Freshly Pressed. Jerks. If they did offer to Freshly Press a post of my choice from my blog if I get a WordPress tattoo…yes, I’d do it.

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1. The neck tattoo: Not only do I imagine that the neck would be a painful place to get a tattoo,  but unless you’re willing to wear a turtleneck, that neck tattoo will be the first thing anyone notices about you. That’s why Steve Jobs always wore a turtleneck. He was hiding an Apple tattoo he had gotten when he was drunk. It’s possible I just made that up.

So those are my ideas for the top ten worst possible types of tattoos. What are yours? Do you have tattoos? Do you like tattoos? Do you hate tattoos? Is there one you’re dying to get? Do you have one you regret?

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

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Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Funny Tweets

Posted on April 24, 2018 | 6 comments

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You know I’m a fan of Twitter and one of my favorite places to hang out is funny Twitter. Funny Twitter you ask? Yes, Funny Twitter. Twitter can be whatever you want and you can find groups of people from all over the world that share your interests. If you have an interest in hand painting the shells of left handed turtles, there’s a Twitter for that. It’s called Hand Painting Left Handed Turtle Shells Twitter! Duh! There’s Democrat Twitter, Republican Twitter, Canadian Twitter and British Twitter. If you belong to a group, there’s a Twitter for you. But my favorite Twitter is the one that commences at 5 p.m. U.S. EST on Friday. It’s Weekend Twitter! There are no holds barred. I will spare you some of the more.. ahem.. interesting tweets from Weekend Twitter. Here are some of my favorite recent tweets:

https://twitter.com/GingerAtLaw/status/361945048104968192

https://twitter.com/Angibangie/status/984618855564750850

Have a great Tuesday and follow all these funny people on Twitter. ~Phil

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Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Reasons I Want To Live in Hotels Forever!

Posted on April 17, 2018 | 8 comments

Admittedly, this is a re-run. But it’s an appropriate one because I’m in a hotel all week this week for work. And, c’mon, seriously, who doesn’t want to live in a hotel? Am I right?

10. No lawn to mow: At hotels I won’t have any yardwork and yet the hedges will always be impeccably trimmed and sometimes in the whimsical shapes of animals. Or should it be the shapes of whimsical animals? Are animals capable of whimsy? I’m not even sure I am.

9. Housekeeping! Who doesn’t want their room cleaned every day? I imagine though that I’d develop an unhealthy Mom complex with my housekeeper to the point that she asks to be re-assigned to another floor.

8. The hotel bar: If I lived there it would be like Cheers and everyone would know my name and yell “Phil!” when I walk in.

7. Coffee in my room: I love just hopping out of bed, turning on the coffee maker and then hopping back in bed with my fresh cup of joe to watch the morning news.

6. The in room hotel safe: I don’t care if it’s tiny. I still feel cool as hell having a safe to lock things up with my secret code. I feel all Mission Impossible-like when I use the safe. I still can’t find a way to lower myself from the ceiling when I’m pretending to break into my own safe.

5. Fresh towels! Soft, cushy and clean every day. They make me feel like that fabric softener bear in the commercial. And btw, I’m only using them once. Re-using a towel is not going to save the planet. I saw a trash receptacle at my local supermarket that said “179 recycled milk jugs were used to create this trash can.” Are you kidding me? The time, energy and fossil fuel needed to make a giant trash can out of milk jugs probably shortened the life of this planet by a year. Don’t tell me to re-use my towels!

4. Weather: I grew up in upstate New York and I still live here. I’m sick and tired of snow. No, I don’t like the change of seasons. You know who says they like the change of seasons? People who live somewhere warm. Jackasses. Spend your whole life digging your car out of the snow six months a year and see if you like the change of seasons then. When I live in hotels I’ll never have to see snow again if I don’t want to.

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3. If You’re tired of the view you can move: If it’s the view from my room or just the city the hotel is in; if I’ve seen all there is to see I can just go to another hotel somewhere else. At some point you know I’ll be in Snow White’s Castle at Disney World. That will be awkward.

2. The friendly hotel staff: They have to be nice to you whether they like you or not. It’s not that I have any problem with people not liking me, but in real, non-hotel life sometimes other people are having bad days or whatever and are not nice. Within the safe confines of a hotel everyone is friendly and there to help. Who doesn’t enjoy groveling sycophants?

1. Being driven around: If I sold my house and car and lived in hotels I’d never have to drive again. At some point in the distant future my sight and reaction time will decline to the point that it would be unsafe for me to continue driving; but you know what? I’ll still have a driver’s license and no one will stop me. When I live in hotels I’ll just call for a taxi, shuttle bus or town car if I need to go somewhere. Me living in hotels will save lives, so if you would all go buy all of my books to the point that I get that trillion dollars I need, it may even save your life. Who knows? If left to my own devices I could be driving down your street someday and you don’t really want that do you?

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor feel free to share it by hitting the Facebok or Twitter share buttons below. Also, I’d love your vote for Funniest logger in the Annual Bloggers Bash Awards. You can vote  HERE !

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

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Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Things I Will Never Intentionally Eat

Posted on April 3, 2018 | 76 comments

Are you wondering how the title goes with that picture of a guinea pig? Read on! If I were to go on a reality show like Survivor or Fear Factor (the show that helped me come up with the name The Phil Factor) I’d be fine with eating bugs and snakes. This may be tempting fate, but here are ten things I will never eat intentionally.

10. Mustard: I believe that this is a substance spawned in the bowels of hell. I put only ketchup on my hot dogs. I can throw up right now if I just think about mustard long enough. Moving on…

9. Onions: I’d rather eat broken glass. I can tolerate some onion powder in a dish, I’m OK with the flavor, but not the texture of onions in my mouth.

8. Other humans: Like I said, I may be tempting fate here, but cannibalism just seems to be in bad taste. Of course if my plane goes down in the Andes mountains and we run out of peanuts…

7. Brains: Not human of course. In many countries it’s not unusual to eat animal brains. The brain reportedly is the most nutritionally dense part of any animal. It just seems wrong. What if in some comic book type plot I suddenly starting thinking like and talking like the animal whose brain I ate? I’d probably fail as a zombie.

6. Seahorses: They’re served fried on a stick in China. I think they’re cute and have a look of intelligence.

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5. Guinea pig: Often eaten in South American countries. Umm…no thanks. I find them ugly and repulsive when they’re alive. Did you know that if you pick them up by their tail their eyes will pop out?

4. Kiviak: This one makes we want to puke just thinking about it. Kiviak is a traditional Inuit (Eskimo) food from Greenland. They take a seal, dead I hope, and stuff it with 500 birds, also dead I hope, and then bury it under the ground to ferment for months. It is said to help the Inuits combat vitamin deficiencies in their diet. Haven’t the Inuits ever heard of taking actual vitamins? Someone get them a wi-fi signal! (I was going to put a picture in for this one, but all the pictures of it were very off putting in the morning.

3. Deviled eggs: I eat hard boiled eggs, scrambled eggs, fried eggs and most any other kind of eggs. Won’t touch a deviled egg. It just looks wrong. Ugh, and adding the paprika on top makes it look wronger.

2. Smalahove: It’s sheeps head. They eat it in Norway. I’ll eat just about any animal, but at least take the face off first.

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1. Pickles: Of all the things on this list this is the one I would choose last if forced to. If I’m on a reality show and the challenge is to eat a pickle with mustard I bow out immediately no matter how much money is on the line. It’s the sour, awful vinegar. I can’t get past the smell. I held a pickle once but couldn’t bring myself to eat it.

So what foods are your kryptonite and why?

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

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Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Things I Learned From Toddlers

Posted on March 27, 2018 | 26 comments

10. A nap solves almost any problem. (I find this still applies in adulthood)

9. TV shows and movies are so much better when you watch them over and over until you have the lines memorized and then you watch them some more. (I’m convinced a child invented Netflix)

8. When you’re really bored you should just lay down on the floor no matter where you are.

7. If I cover my eyes I become invisible. (Wouldn’t it be great if this were true? At work this would come in handy)

6. Sliding glass doors are a really mean trick.

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5. Why do something for yourself if someone else will do it?

4. Sometimes just pointing is enough. (If only this worked when you’re dating!)

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3. If you can’t see it, it doesn’t exist.

2. If you act tired someone will pick you up (this is mostly only applicable to toddlers and women in bars)

1. An ear piercing scream will get you out of almost any situation.

Do you have any fun ones to add from your experience? Please put them in the comments. Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

 

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Top Ten Tuesday! The Top Ten Funniest Songs I Know

Posted on March 20, 2018 | 22 comments

Chances are that you don’t know many of the artists or songs on this list, but if you want to add something new to your iPhone that will bring a smile to your face when it comes on unexpectedly, I strongly recommend these songs. I’ve excluded parody songs. I’ve provided links to the Youtube videos so you can play them while you read blogs. (Warning: some songs may contain PG-13 language or themes)

10. 88 Lines about 44 Women by The Nails: This song is peppy, upbeat, and from the 80’s but stands the test of time. It’s still in my collection. Video

9. Stacy’s Mom by Fountains of Wayne: This is “Mrs. Robinson” for a new generation.

8. King of Spain by Moxy Fruvous: A hilarious and underrated Canadian band from the 1990’s. Video

7. Chicks Dig It by Chris Cagle: Just so you don’t think I only listen to obscure alternative music I threw in a country song: Video

6. Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-a-Lot: An ode to well…you know. Video

5. The Bad Touch by Bloodhound Gang: A ditty honoring sexual euphemisms. If you are easily offended, don’t listen. Video

4. Pretty Fly for a White Guy by The Offspring: The hilarious and true story of my life. Video

3. Girlfriend in a Coma by The Smiths: An amazingly peppy and upbeat song considering the topic. Video

2. Connecticut is for F—— by Jesus H. Christ and The Four Hornsmen of the Apocalypse: This always makes any list of my favorite songs of any kind. There was no official video. The one I’ve linked to looks home made. Video

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1. Pantera Fans in Love by Nerf Herder: Truth be told, this band could have placed several songs on the list. This isn’t the funniest oone, but the other was so inappropriate that I chose not to sully #ThePhilFactor with it. Video

As always, it’s tough limiting these lists to ten. What are some of your favorite funny songs?

Have a great Tuesday! ~Phil

#TopTenTuesday

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Top Ten Tuesday! Ten Idiotic Things Celebrities Have Bought

Posted on March 13, 2018 | 14 comments

We’ve all heard the stories of excess among the rich and famous. Sure they have cars and mansions and yachts. But occasionally certain eccentric celebrities have made purchases that cause everyone to raise an eyebrow. The picture below is of John Merrick, the Elephant Man. In 1987 Michael Jackson unsuccessfully tried to purchase his skeleton for 1 million dollars. Here are ten of the most unusual celebrity purchases that I was able to find:

10. Nicholas Cage bought a Tyrannosaurus Rex skull  for $270,000. He had to outbid Leonardo DiCaprio for it.

9. Tyrese bought his daughter an island for her 8th birthday. What 8 year old doesn’t need their own island? Some get cell phones, others get islands. Tyrese, the R&B singer and Fast & Furious actor will not divulge the cost or the location of Love Island. Sounds like a reality show doesn’t it?

8. Just like in The Hangover, Mike Tyson has a tiger. 

7. Rapper Lil Wayne has diamond encrusted teeth. That has to take a lot of flossing. Can you imagine how much food gets stuck in those teeth?

6. Actress Kim Basinger bought a city. For $20 million she bought Braselton, Georgia in hopes of turning it into a movie studio town.

5. Lady Gaga bought a ghost detector: The electro-magnetic frequency detector was only $50,000, but a very cool purchase. I wish I had one.

Picture courtesy of Edmonton Sun

4. Several celebrities have bought tickets to outer space. No, not Disney’s Space Mountain, but to the real outer space. Virgin Atlantic owner Richard Branson is selling celebs $200,000 tickets for a ride to outer space that might occur in the future. Celebs who have bought a ticket include: Tom Hanks, Angelina and Brad, Stephen Hawking, Ashton Kutcher and Justin Bieber.

3. A 1.5 million dollar bathtub? Tamara Ecclestone, daughter of Formula 1 exec Bernie Ecclestone bought a 1.5 million dollar crystal bathtub. She said, “…but I spend a lot of time in the bath, so it’s worth it.” She must be pruney 24/7.

2. Johnny Depp really likes wine. So much so that he spends $30,000 per month on it. I don’t care what kind of wine you’re drinking, that is a lot of wine. Enjoy your dementia and liver disease Johnny!

1. All that glitters isn’t gold, but it might be Ke$ha: Ke$sha spends $2000/month on glitter. She must be the envy of every stripper. Said Ke$ha, “I am shooting glitter from glitter guns and out of every orifice in my body.” She told Jimmy Kimmel that she has a “glitter specialist” named Santa. “He just follows me around and makes sure I’m always covered in glitter,” she explained. “Because I feel it would be seriously a disappointment if I was ever seen without it.”

So, what are your extravagant purchases? Mine? I have a weakness for new technology gadgets. Have a glitterful Tuesday! ~Phil

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