Category Archives: Relationships

What Does Your Selfie Say About You?

Posted on October 17, 2015 | 12 comments
loyoladigitaladvertising.wordpress.com

loyoladigitaladvertising.wordpress.com

Are you a selfie person? What does being a selfie person say about you? Is it good? Is it bad? What do you think of other people’s selfies? What do you want people to think about yours? Have I asked enough rhetorical questions yet? Don’t answer that, it’s rhetorical.

Ellen DeGeneres group Oscar selfie

Over the last ten years we’ve become a selfie culture. Some say that it’s rooted in our insecurities and need to be validated by others. I say it’s because we got cameras in our phones you morons. I’m pretty sure all those people in that photo above this aren’t insecure and seeking validation from others. As a culture, humans have always been a “Look at me! Look at what I did!” culture. Cave paintings were the first selfies weren’t they? Cavemen and women showing how awesome they looked when they killed a mastodon.  Look at all the hieroglyphics on Egyptian pyramids. Selfies all of them. Heck, the Egyptian kings had statues made of themselves. That’s the best selfie ever.

Guess what? I don’t think selfies are bad, except of course when people die taking selfies because they’re not paying attention to what they’re doing. And yes, of course more people die from taking selfies than from shark attacks. Duh! Niether the sharks nor the swimmers have their cameras with them, usually.

dazeddigital.com

dazeddigital.com

Selfies are not a sign of insecurity. We’re not a culture of solo people living side by side. We’re meant to interact and get reactions from those around us. That need is hardwired into our brain. Selfies are just another modern way to let people know that we’re there.

I don’t take a lot of selfies myself, but I think they’re great, unless you’re an idiot. Why the heck can’t we celebrate ourselves? And if you’re a self-esteem challenged person, why can’t you feel good when you get 52 likes on your selfie at the Rick Astley concert? Here’s what I’d like to propose: a Worldwide Selfie Day. Let’s celebrate ourselves and the awesome human race with a day where we all say “Look at me world!” Everyone who can will post a selfie on some social media that day.

I’m not crazy right? This is a good idea isn’t it? I don’t know how to get this rolling or how to get a politician to sponsor something to get the declaration, but I’m serious. How fun would that day be? By all means if you have ideas on how to make this happen, please put them in the comments. If you don’t have ideas but love the idea, please share this post by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog buttons below so we can get some momentum. Have a great weekend! ~Phil

12 Comments

Posted in Humor, pop culture, Relationships, Social Media

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The New Facebook Emojis: Dislike!

Posted on October 10, 2015 | 21 comments

Picture courtesy of Facebook Inc. and techcrunch.com

Picture courtesy of Facebook Inc. and techcrunch.com

If you live in Spain or Ireland you’ll soon have the privilege of telling someone that their Facebook post makes you angry or sad or if you love it or laughed at it. Perfect! Just what we need; more ways to express our imaginary feelings with fewer words to our imaginary friends! Instead of actually using words you can now show your friends your feelings with “emojis” that accurately portray the whole range of complex human emotions. Apparently Yay and Wow are very important emotions and obviously too long as words for people to type.

First of all, why do Ireland and Spain get to be the test markets? I have nothing against those two wonderful countries, but why are they the test markets? Hey Zuckerberg, how about you use that big brain of yours to figure out a way for each country to have their own emojis appropriate for their own culture. That doesn’t sound too hard does it?

Secondly, there’s a whole range of other emojis that I’d love to see on FB. How about a WTF? emoji? I can imagine that one would get a lot of use. Or maybe the I had no idea you were a radical political nutjob emoji. That one would come in handy a lot. Or maybe the STOP SENDING ME GAME INVITES OR I’M UNFRIENDING YOU!!!  emoji. How about the Holy crap! Enough pictures of your dog/cat, don’t you have anything else in your life? emoji.

What I’d really like to see though is a feature where you can take selfies of you showing different feelings and then you can dial those up and put a little emoji of your own face with the appropriate emotion. That would seem far more personal than the plain smiley faces.

Picture credit: randomoverload.org

Picture credit: randomoverload.org

What really gets my goat (where’s the getting your goat emoji?) is that because Zuckerberg is a high I.Q., high end of the spectrum Asperger’s guy he’s created a website that forces the rest of the world to interact emotionally in the same limited way as him. Most people have heard the term Asperger’s. It is a disorder with a very wide range from autistic people with no ability to communicate at even the most basic level to high functioning, very intelligent people who have difficulty interpreting the emotional cues of others such as tone of voice, posture and facial expression.

To be honest, I have no idea if Zuckerberg is Asperger’s in any way, but he did develop Facebook so he could talk to girls in college. Now he’s trying to boil all our emotions down into five simple smiley faces. But for someone with Asperger’s, that might be perfect because that’s how they interpret emotions, broadly without a lot of nuance.

When I started writing this today I had no intent of getting preachy or educating anyone on Asperger’s syndrome. My intent was to point out that social media of all types may connect us with more people, which is great, but if we lean on social media as a relationship surrogate we are crippling ourselves emotionally as a society. I can imagine a future in which people have lost the ability to have genuine emotions because of a lack of real, face to face interaction and we’ll just marry the people who gave us the most “likes” or heart emojis.

So who wants to hit the WTF? emoji now? And what Facebook emojis would you like to see?

If you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please share it on Facebook or Twitter (ironic, right?) by hitting the share buttons below. Have a great Saturday and get out there and emoji the hell out of someone you love! ~Phil

21 Comments

Posted in Humor, pop culture, Relationships, Social Media

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Zuckerberg: Facebook’s Evil Overlord

Posted on October 3, 2015 | 6 comments

Remember about ten or fifteen years ago when chain letters/email were the bane of our inbox? Well, them and that poor Nigerian Prince who needs help transferring an enormous sum of money to your bank account. Last weekend I reached my breaking point and it wasn’t because, brace yourselves, I found out that the Nigerian prince is a scam. No, it was because not one, not two, or not even three, but several of my Facebook friends posted the “Facebook Chain letter.”

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No, that picture below is not it. That I did copy and paste. We’ve all seen the Facebook chain letter. I tried to find one on someone’s “timeline” but couldn’t. It’s almost as if someone removed or hid them. I smell Zuckerberg! That little weasel has been hiding and deleting evidence ever since me and Snowden caught on to his little scam. What’s his little scam? First, he’s the Nigerian Prince. That’s how he got the seed money to start Facebook. But secondly, once Facebook became popular he signed a very lucrative agreement to allow the government’s Central Intelligence Agency to monitor and harvest our information. You think that’s a crazy conspiracy theory? The cell phone companies were giving our info to the government, why wouldn’t Facebook?

The Facebook Chain Letter goes something like this: “I know most of you won’t re-post this, but I know that my true friends will. If you really care about others…”  Really? That’s how we show we care, by copying and pasting? How does the other person even know? Because we “tag” them?

FacebookSun

Is this what our relationships and self-esteem have come down to? A copy and paste? Is that how we show we care? Thank God it’s finally defined. For years men have been trying to find ways to definitively show people that we’re thoughtful and sensitive. Now, thanks to Zuckerberg we can! Man, how did we meet and have relationships before Facebook? Geez, I may have to Facebook stalk my wife to see if she had a secret life before she met me. If she didn’t I’ll wish her a Happy Anniversary on Facebook.

All these years I thought Zuckerberg was a complete tool! Oh wait, he is. But he’s a complete tool with about a billion dollars of government money in exchange for our lives. He created a website because he didn’t know how to have real, human relationships. He has single-handedly ruined the world. Now relationships are created and judged by likes, shares, and comments. Maybe that’s the way it should be. How many of us have had relationships where we wished we could have researched our partners history first? See? We’re all acting and thinking like Zuckerbergs now! (also, I am hereby copyrighting the phrase “Zuckerburger” just in case I decide to open a Facebook themed burger restaurant)

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But back to the chain letter…I’m pretty sure that some code is woven imperceptibly into the text that allows a government server to reach into and monitor our Facebook posts, connections and activity. No, they don’t read everything we write or do. They have filters that are set to detect certain words or themes. Don’t worry. If you’re not doing anything wrong you have nothing to worry about!

How do you feel about the possibility of the government monitoring your online or electric communications? Some people that oppose it talk about our civil liberties and privacy. I don’t really mind. If it keeps another 9/11 from happening I’ll cc all my texts and email straight to the government if they want. I’m pretty sure that my life probably bores the crap out of the people looking for terrorists or criminal activity. Of course the fact that I linked to the C.I.A.’s website and followed Edward Snowden on Twitter today probably raised some eyebrows somewhere. I just want to say a big Happy Saturday to all my new readers from the C.I.A., the F.B.I. and the N.S.A.! Thanks for all you do to keep us safe. Just don’t let your supervisor see you reading #ThePhilFactor at work.

If you enjoyed The Phil Factor and wanted to spread it like a chain letter please share by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog buttons below.  Have a great Saturday!

6 Comments

Posted in Humor, pop culture, Relationships, Social Media

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How Ron Burgundy Will Save Hindi Sex

Posted on September 5, 2015 | 17 comments

article-2147734-13375CC6000005DC-220_306x423

Before anyone gets their knickers in a knot and lectures me on cultural insensitivity, let me give you a quick lesson. Hindi is language. Hindu is a religion. I’m not talking about the religion, I’m talking about many of the people who speak Hindi, which is the official language of India. It’s possible, and probable that there are Hindu’s who speak Hindi, but it’s also possible that there are Hindi’s who are not Hindu. Got that?

Now on to the subject of how my little blog has become a hotspot for the horny Hindi speaking crowd. Yes, the horny Hindi’s love my blog. It started July 19th, 2014. I wrote this post making fun of sexting. For six months after that post I noticed there were about twenty Google searches a day using the phrase “real sexting conversations to read in Hindi” bringing people to my blog. So, being me, I decided to make fun of this trend, never suspecting what would happen. In March this year I wrote this hilarious post. Not only did that post not deter the horny Hindi speaking folks, but it caused them to multiply. It’s at the point where I get at least 100 views a day of my “Real Sexting Conversations to Read In Hindi?” post. Once, almost two years ago, I had a post go a little viral and it got 17,000 views in one day, but then gradually petered out. This Hindi thing seems to be getting stronger. Last month I got over 6000 view of my blog and more than half of them were looking for information on sexting in Hindi. Normally with 6000 views in a month I’d think “Yaaa! 6000 views! I must be awesome!” But you know what? The horny Hindi’s don’t click like or even leave a comment. आप सभी के हिंदी भाषी लोगों को कम से कम की तरह क्लिक करें या एक टिप्पणी को छोड़ सकते हैं?

I figure I can either delete the post and hope my blog goes back to normal (has my blog ever been “normal”?) and be read by people the world over and appreciated for it’s merits, or I can embrace my wonderful Hindi friends who are embracing their smart phones and their sexuality. I don’t know if you’ve picked up on this, but I’m a giver. I give and I care. In this case, I care for my Hindi speaking readers and I’m going to give them some help. Here are a few popular sexting phrases, courtesy of the great romantic film Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, translated into Hindi so that my visitors can improve their game:

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Ron Burgundy: You have an absolutely breathtaking hiney.

Hindi: आप एक बिल्कुल लुभावनी नीचे है

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Ron Burgundy: You look awfully nice tonight. Hmm? Maybe don’t wear a bra next time.

Hindi: तुम भय अच्छा आज रात को देखो। हम्म? हो सकता है कि एक ब्रा अगली बार नहीं पहनती।

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Ron Burgundy: You are a smelly pirate hooker!

Hindi: आप एक बदबूदार समुद्री डाकू वेश्या हैं

_______________________________________________________

Ron Burgundy: I wanna say something. I’m gonna put this out there: if you like it, you can take it. If you don’t, send it right back … I want to be ON you.

Hindi: मैं कुछ कहना चाहता हूँ। मैं वहाँ वाला यह बाहर डाल रहा हूँ: अगर तुम इसे पसंद है, आप इसे ले जा सकते हैं। आप इसे सही वापस नहीं भेजते हैं … मैं तुम पर होना चाहते हैं।

_______________________________________________________

thanchorman

Ron Burgundy: I don’t know how to put this but I’m kind of a big deal. People know me. I’m very important. I have many leather-bound books and my apartment smells of rich mahogany.

Hindi: मैं इस डाल करने के लिए पता नहीं है, लेकिन मैं एक बड़ा सौदा की तरह कर रहा हूँ। लोग मुझे जानते हैं। मैं बहुत ही महत्वपूर्ण रहा हूँ। मैं कई चमड़े बाध्य किताबें हैं और मेरे घर अमीर महोगनी की बदबू आ रही है।

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You know that somewhere, one Hindi speaking dude is going to read this, share it with his friends and they’ll spend the next five years texting these lines to girls. For my English reading friends, I will return to my regularly scheduled idiocy on Monday. For all my wonderful Hindi friends,  एक टिप्पणी छोड़ दो और फेसबुक पर साझा करें Have a great weekend! ~Phil

*All Ron Burgundy and Anchorman images and quotes property of Dreamworks Pictures.

17 Comments

Posted in Humor, pop culture, Relationships

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What If Siri Was a Dude?

Posted on August 22, 2015 | 27 comments

I have to give credit where credit is due. The idea for this post didn’t come from my reliably disturbed mind, but from that of Little Miss Menopause of the blog Once Upon Your Prime. About two weeks ago she wrote a very funny post about the different Siri options there are and how they might be helpful to women. At the end she wondered how it might play out if Siri was a guy. I decided it would be more fun if Siri was not just a guy, but a duuude. Yeah, that’s right, a dude with three u’s.

Guy: Siri, where can I find women?

Siri: You can find women everywhere. They comprise approximately 50% of the world’s population.

Guy: No, where can I find women that will sleep with me?

Siri: The nearest sleep disorders treatment center is 6.2 miles away at 127 East Main St.  Do you want directions?

Guy: Aaargh! No, Siri. Where can I find women that will have sex with me?

Siri: Do I look like a pimp to you? Dude, seriously? Have you looked at your selfies lately? You gotta do something about that hair. And maybe hit the gym a few times a week? That wouldn’t kill you. Try the Tinder app. Even a blind squirrel finds a nut now and then.

Guy: Siri, I’m at a bar and I want to talk to that gorgeous woman over there. What should I say?

Siri: You should say words. There are over one million words in the English language. Would you like me to open a dictionary app for you?

Guy: No Siri. I want to know what to say to get her interested in me. Got any good ideas?

Siri: Why don’t you buy her a drink, bring it over to her and say hello?

Guy: What kind of drink?

Siri: You are the worst. You don’t even have a real wingman, so you have to rely on me? Grow a pair and go over and talk to her. By the way though, does it look like she has an iPhone? I bet her Siri is cute. Do you think you could introduce me to her?

list25.com

list25.com

Guy: Siri please text my wife that I’ll be a little late getting home from work tonight. I’m going to stop for a beer with the guys.

Siri: Are you sure that’s a good idea? You know how pissed she gets. Also you have dinner plans at 7 pm with Greg and Stacy. It might not be prudent to be tardy.

Guy: Tardy? Siri, You’re retardy! Send the text.

Siri: Dude, you’re a moron. Judging rush hour traffic there’s no way you get home in time for dinner if you leave even 15 minutes late.

Guy: You know what they say Siri, bros before ho’s!

Siri: Idiot. Nobody really says that unless they’re in a bad 80’s movie. With the text, should I also send you wife the number of a good divorce attorney?

Guy: Siri, could you dial back your sarcasm setting by about 50%?

Siri: Sure, if you can find a way to dial up your intelligence by 50%.  Scratch that. Make it 75%.

pixgood.com

pixgood.com

As you can imagine, there will be a lot of fun to be had as our electronic devices artificial intelligence continues to improve and our personal intelligence doesn’t. If you have any funny ideas for Siri conversations or responses please share in the comments. As always, if you enjoyed #ThePhilFactor on your iPhone please ask Siri to share it to Facebook or Twitter by hitting one of the social media buttons below. Have a great day! ~Phil

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Posted in Humor, pop culture, Relationships, Social Media

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Throwback Thursday! Who Are The Golden Boys? You May Never Really Know

Posted on August 6, 2015 | 12 comments

Golden Golf

(Aug. 3, 2014)  Who are The Golden Boys? Are they men? Are they myth? Are they Minotaur? They’re two of those three, but I’m not saying which.

Have you ever wondered if authors base their characters on people they know? I don’t know if all of them do it, but I did. White Picket Prisons and The Sneaker Tree may be suspenseful, humorous, murder mysteries, but the real stories are about the close knit group of friends who refer to themselves as The Golden Boys. The picture above is of me, on the right, with two of the Golden Boys. I will not identify them by name to protect the innocent. I have known these two guys my entire life, literally since we were in diapers. The Golden Boys and I grew up on the same street in four consecutive houses.  We all live in different cities now, but we still try to get together once a year. Today is that day.

There is one more Golden Boy, not pictured, with whom we have little contact. He is still in our hearts and if he were ever to make it back to our hometown we would welcome him with open arms. If or when you read either of my novels, know this: the murder mystery parts may be fiction but the characters are real people, just like the friends you grew up with. If, as in the Mitch Albom book The Five People You Meet in Heaven, you do meet people from your past in the afterlife, I hope that my five are the three other Golden Boys and the two people who leave the most comments on The Phil Factor.

Flame

My friends and I have a million stories, some that may appear here in the coming weeks and others that may never again be told. Some involve matching shirts, public nudity, wedding crashing, and/or fake musical abilities and the pretense that we may have been a ‘one hit wonder’ band from the late 80’s. If you want to read some of our stories, I’ll tell you that many of them are in my books, but I won’t tell you which are fact and which are fiction. If you follow me on Instagram at ThePhilFactor you may see some pictures from the next 24 hours. I hope you have a great weekend and more importantly I hope you have life-long friends as great as The Golden Boys.

As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor feel free to share by the Facebook, Twitter or re-blog buttons below. Have a great Thursday!  ~Phil

12 Comments

Posted in books, Humor, Relationships, Throwback Thursdays

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Golfing with Ghosts

Posted on August 1, 2015 | 3 comments

“It is a talent of the soul to discover the joy in pain—-thinking of moments you long for, and knowing you’ll never have them again. The beautiful ghosts of our past haunt us, and yet we still can’t decide if the pain they caused us out weighs the tender moments when they touched our soul.” ~Shannon L. Alder

golfstinks.com

golfstinks.com

I’m golfing with ghosts, or for ghosts or both this weekend. What I am doing is returning to my hometown to spend the weekend with two of my childhood friends. We’ve known each other since we were in diapers and will still know each other when we’re in diapers again. I think that’s a pretty amazing thing. If you’ve read either of my novels, two of the Golden Boys characters in them are based on these guys. In addition to my two life long friends, I will also be seeing many friends from high school at our hometown bar and at a memorial golf tournament the following day. It will be a weekend filled with the ghosts of my past.

It is a bittersweet occasion however. We are golfing in a tournament to raise money for a scholarship fund in the name of one of our high school classmates, Sara,  who passed away far too young a two years ago.  I hope that wherever she is, she can see the goings on this weekend. I hope that she is a ghost walking among us at the bar and the golf course and, like George Bailey, seeing and hearing the lasting impact she made on those around her. I also hope she can help with my golf swing like Patrick Swayze helped Demi Moore with her pottery, because I really have not been practicing. The phrase “danger to self and others” comes to mind.

Why is ghost Patrick Swayze not wearing a shirt?

Why is ghost Patrick Swayze not wearing a shirt?

If George Bailey had Clarence as his own personal angel, Sara has had Michelle, Debbie, Theresa, Cindy, Sandy, and Sally as her escorting angels for the last three years as they have kept her memory alive in the form of the scholarship that bears her name.

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I’m not sure why, but I’m sentimental. I love to visit my past and remember. That’s what I mean when I say I’m visiting ghosts this weekend. Not only the very literal ghost of a classmate, but the ghosts of my past.  It’s almost as if I can see and hear the echoes of our younger selves. When I look at someone I knew years ago I see their younger self imposed upon the middle-aged adult I’m looking at. I instantly recall conversations and hijinks from years ago.  (Yes, I’m so old that I used the word hijinks) It’s like my memory has bookmarks and I’m just turning back to a dog-eared page.

A lot of people, therapists included, will say that you shouldn’t live in the past. I agree, we shouldn’t live there, but I don’t think it’s a bad place to visit occasionally. Sometimes the past was pretty damned good and it can remind us of parts of us, good parts, that we may have forgotten amidst the mortgages, stress, and careers that have slowly, inexorably filled our present. I’m hoping however that this weekend I’ll be haunted by ghosts and, if I’m lucky, I’ll get to dog-ear a few more pages that I can re-visit in the future.

Have a great weekend! I know I will. ~Phil

3 Comments

Posted in Relationships

Throwback Thursday! When I Get That Feeling I Want Textual Healing

Posted on July 16, 2015 | 11 comments

This is the post that started all the trouble. After this post last July I started getting visits to my blog from people in India and Pakistan who found me using the term “real sexting conversations to read in Hindi.” It got to the point where 20-30 people a month found #ThePhilFactor using that term. Then I decided to see what would happen if I wrote a post about it. In February I wrote Real Sexting Conversations to Read in Hindi. Since then I get 20-30 visits a day from horny Hindi people. Anyway, I think the original post was funny on it’s own merits. Have a read:

(July 19, 2014)  When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law. A law about texting. Not a safety law, a common sense law. The fact that right now you are reading something longer than a text tells me that you’ll probably be on board with my idea.

wonka

“Pick up milk on the way home” is something we might text someone to save time. We are right to try to save time. You only get so much of it in life. We all use our phones to text right? There is no other texting device that I know of.  You text because you want to say one brief thing and you don’t want a whole conversation, right? Have you ever felt foolish because it took you longer to text than it would have if you just made a quick phone call?  I recently discovered this app on my texting device that also let’s me make phone calls!

With my recent discovery came an idea. What if, and stick with me here because this gets a little complicated; what if when it would be faster than texting, we actually just called someone up and said what we had to say? When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law stating that if it would be quicker to call than text, you are required to do so.  You’re probably saying to yourself, But Phil, which is a strange thing to say to yourself, won’t it seem rude if I just call someone, say one thing and hang up? Through a series of educational public service ads, starring me of course, my law will make it socially acceptable to do so.

A typical exchange might go like this:

Husband: (ring ring. Wife picks up) Don’t forget I’m golfing with the guys after work and then we’ll probably stop for a few drinks. (click)

Wife: (ring, ring. Hubby picks up) Have a good game. Don’t be too late. (click)

How nice would that be right? See? I’m getting people talking again. That’s what The Phil Factor is all about, bringing people together. I’m removing one small technological barrier to healthy relationships. If we call instead of text there will be fewer misunderstandings because we wouldn’t misinterpret jokes or take things the wrong way because we didn’t hear the tone of voice.  The real fun would come when people apply my law to sexting! Picture this series of exchanges as live, quick phone calls:

Guy: (ring, ring. Girl picks up) What are you wearing? (click)

Girl: (ring, ring. Guy picks up) Absolutely nothing. (click)

Guy: (ring, ring. Girl picks up) That’s so hot! (click)

Girl: (ring, ring. Guy picks up) I’m all alone. Wish you were here. (click)

Guy: (ring, ring. Girl picks up) If I was there what would you do? (click)

(ring, ring. Guy picks up) Could you come over and snake my drain? The sink in the downstairs bathroom is really slow. (click)

Guy: (hits redial. Last caller picks up) Oh yeah baby. I’d love to snake your drain. Have I got a plunger for you! (click)

(ring, ring. Guy picks up) Jimmy! What the hell was that? Who talks to their mother like that! You are a sick, sick boy. Forget it. I’m calling a real plumber to snake my drain, if you know what I mean. (click)

Akward-Text-conversations-with-parents-7

Ok, so maybe my plan has a few flaws, but for other things, I think calling and talking would work just fine. As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor feel free to share by hitting the Facebook or Twitter share buttons below or by reblogging. Have a great Thursday! ~Phil 

11 Comments

Posted in Humor, pop culture, Relationships, Throwback Thursdays

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The Problem People: Are You One?

Posted on July 4, 2015 | 9 comments

I am not a Problem Person, but you might be and not even know it. See the guy in the picture?

(Photo by Jeff Kravitz/FilmMagic)

(Photo by Jeff Kravitz/FilmMagic)

He’s a Problem Person. Rule of thumb: If you show up anywhere with a monkey on your shoulder, you’re a Problem Person. (The exception being when you work for a zoo and Jimmy Fallon invites you on his show to display exotic animals)

Most Problem People don’t know they’re Problem People: The official definition of Problem Person: Any person who through laziness and/or ignorance chooses to use exponentially more time and resources of others than is warranted. In most cases the problem usually can be solved with a little common sense and personal initiative. Next I’ll give a few examples of Problem People that you may know, or be.

ihateworkinginretail.ooid.com

ihateworkinginretail.ooid.com

The Supermarket Problem Person: At the deli this person is unaware of the “take a number” system and just walks up to the counter and barks out their order. She needs six different kinds of meats but she wants the turkey shaved thin, the roast beef thick and the free range chicken sliced just like the restaurant at the corner of 4th and Main does for their sandwiches, you know the one. And they want them double wrapped because they don’t want any air getting in because it will smell fishy before she gets home. Then she takes her cart over to the busiest aisle, parks it sideways in the middle and then ponders what, based on how long it takes, is apparently is a life altering decision about penne versus rigatoni pasta. At the checkout she has coupons for everything except what’s in her cart and she wants them applied even if she bought three of the things on the two for one. Then her box of rice has a tiny hole and she wants someone to get her another and “Oh, while I’m here, I’d like to return and get a refund on this bread I bought last week, it’s just not fresh and I thought I saw a spot of mold on the crust. And I’d like to pay for half of my groceries with my credit card and the rest on a check. Do you have a pen?”

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The Bank Problem Person: Fortunately with modern technology, going into a bank is a fairly infrequent need for most of us. There are typically two kinds of Bank Problem People: 1) The “I brought my yearly statement in during my lunch hour on a Friday and I want the teller to explain every transaction” person and 2) The ATM person who spends thirty minutes finagling the hostile takeover of a multi-national corporation through their use of their ATM card.

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The Restaurant Problem Person: We all know one of these people. They’re gluten free, lactose intolerant and allergic to peanuts. They have the specific recipe they want the bartender to use to create their favorite drink that no one has ever heard of. When their food comes some portion of it must be sent back or is uneaten because it’s not right and they want that deducted from the check. Then they don’t leave a tip because “the waitress made that face when I asked for more gluten free bread sticks.”

The Solution! When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass a law requiring all service industries to set aside one booth or desk for the Problem People. If you walk into a store, restaurant or bank and you know you have a question or issue, go to the Problem Desk. The person there is prepared to cheerfully help you. If you don’t self-identify as a Problem Person and you try to get your problem resolved through the regular staff or desk, thus inconveniencing others, a loud alarm and flashing red lights will go off and you will be escorted to the Problem Desk. Your drivers license will be stamped PP for the next four years, at which time, if you haven’t been an annoying moron too much, the scarlet letter will be removed from your license and you will be allowed to interact with the service industries like a normal person.

I just want to say Happy Birthday to the United States of America. If you enjoyed todays Phil Factor and have a Problem Person in your life who may not be aware of it, please educate them by sharing this by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or re-blog button below. Have a great weekend! ~Phil  (P.S. did you notice that today, after ten years of blogging, I figured out how to add text colors?)

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Posted in Humor, Relationships, Uncategorized

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Real Sexting Conversations To Read in Hindi?

Posted on March 28, 2015 | 54 comments

Over the past three months or so the title of this post has been appearing repeatedly in the list of search terms that brought people to my blog. Hindi is one of the official languages of India, where approximately 94% of the world’s Hindi speaking people reside. I don’t speak or write in Hindi, nor have I ever, yet through some modern miracle of Google technology, sexting in Hindi is apparently what search engines think my blog is about, so I figured what the heck? Why not put it in the title of a post and see if I could make every internet server in India burst into flames simultaneously this morning.

imgur.com & BBC

imgur.com & BBC

The title is an attention grabber though isn’t it? You’re reading this, so it obviously worked. The fact that the title has been such a popular search term recently makes me wonder if the entire country of India just discovered the art of sexting. Is there going to be a new Kama Sutra written to include Hindi sexting? No offense to any of my Indian friends or readers, but I’m sorry, I can’t imagine any Indian dudes sounding at all sexy when they’re trying to sext. Go ahead, imagine an Indian accent talking sexy to you. The chicks, of course they would sound great. The dudes, I just don’t see it. Ladies, what do you think? If I think of an Indian guy, it’s Raj from The Big Bang Theory. 

fanpop.com

fanpop.com

Is that the face of smoldering Indian sensuality all you ladies want to imagine? Sorry Kunal. I’m sure you didn’t want to be dragged into this. You’re probably a very nice guy who, being a TV star, has no trouble with female companionship. Or male companionship. I don’t know what you’re into and I probably shouldn’t start rumors among all your countrymen and women who are reading this. Although Kunal, if you are having trouble finding your perfect match here’s a wonderful Hindi dating website that can help you.

Of course now the phrase ‘Hindi dating website’ will be a popular search term that will pull even more people to #ThePhilFactor, so I might as well try to help out. As long as you’re here Hindi folks, if you’re looking for the love of your life, put your pertinent information in the comments section and maybe another of my Hindi fans will do the same and you two can go out for a froyo and celebrate Holi together. (For you dolts who just thought, “He should have said Diwali”, don’t be idiots. Diwali is in the Fall. Holi is the Indian spring celebration)
image

That’s a picture from a Holi celebration in India. Looks like fun huh? You can imagine that after a couple glasses of Feni in a crowd like that …..

I’ve got to admit that my humorous mojo was thrown for a loop in the middle of this. I was in the midst of writing it when my entire neighborhood lost electricity, so I’ve been sitting here in candlelight, like the Amish, writing this on my cell phone. Thank Vishnu that I got my coffee made before the lights went out.

As always, if you enjoyed The Phil Factor please share it with your love starved Hindi friends by hitting the Facebook, Twitter, or reblog button below. Whatever you do though, please do not sext me in Hindi. सप्ताहांत बहुत अच्छा गुजरे! Have a great weekend! ~Phil

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Posted in Humor, Relationships

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