Tag Archives: humor

Ten Quotes: Donald Trump or Darth Vader?

Posted on December 27, 2025 | 5 comments

10. “I have brought peace, freedom, justice, and security to my new empire.”

9. “In the end you’re not measured by how much you undertake but by what you finally accomplish.”

8. “I wouldn’t go to war with you people. You’re a bunch of dopes and babies.”

7. “I am altering the deal. Pray I don’t alter it any further.”

6. “Sometimes by losing a battle you find a new way to win the war.”

cvuecfhwoae4k4c

5. “Now release your anger. Only your hatred can destroy me.”

4. “I actually don’t have a bad hairline.” 

3. “Be careful not to choke on your convictions.”

2. “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”

1. ” I believe they like making me out to be something more sinister than I really am.”

So can you guess which 5 quotes are Darth Vader and which 5 are from Trump? Show me how smart you are in the comments. Also, the quotes in italics are from both. I just alternated lines to break up the monotony.

Have a great Saturday! ~Phil

5 Comments

Posted in Humor

Tagged , , ,

Did My Blog Make This Happen? Probably

Posted on November 15, 2025 | 2 comments

Waymo self-driving car in front of Google’s San Francisco headquarters, San Francisco, California, June 7, 2024. (Photo by Smith Collection/Gado)

A month ago during my trip to California, I posted about my first rides in a driverless car, a Waymo. (You can read that post HERE)

This morning on the local news, I saw that State Senator Jeremy Cooney, who is chair of the Transportation Commitee, got the Waymo company to bring a car here to show people that they are not robot killer cars.

State Senator Jeremy Cooney is local, so I wonder if maybe a mutual local friend or a Facebook algorithym showed him my blog post, and he said to himself, “Damn, that’s cool. I’m going to get those space cars in New York and everyone will love me.”

Next year when he’s running for re-election or Governor, he’s going to tout this and it’s pretty doubful he’ll mention my blog, but mark my words, in idle conversation with friends and family, I am taking full credit for all his future political success. When he’s elected President, I expect that I will be his Vice-President. If I’m not, I’m going to reveal that his political success is in was built on my idea. That seems reasonable, right?

I hope you’re all having a great weekend!  Thanks for reading! ~Phil

2 Comments

Posted in Current Events, Humor, Politics, politics, The Phil Factor

Tagged ,

Is This A Colossal Mistake? Probably

Posted on April 10, 2025 | 4 comments

Pic from CowboyState Daily.com

Aren’t those baby wolves just adorable? They look like cute little dogs. And I’m sure they’ll be adorable right up until one of them tears someone’s throat out. It’s those mad scientists at Colossal (as in “colossal mistake”) that keep trying to bring back extinct species.

Well, Phil, tell me why bringing back cute dogs is such a big mistake?”  I know that a few of you were just thinking that. Ok, thanks for asking. I’ll tell you. Dire wolves used to live on planet Earth with humans. Although they likely didn’t live with humans. Dire wolves were the largest and most aggressive of all wolf species. That is why they were featured on Game of Thrones. It is also why humans killed them out of existence.

Pic from CNN

You know why they were called “dire” wolves? Because if something is dire, that means it’s bad. Really bad. And yet, some jubilant scientist at Colossal said, “I don’t see how this could possibly go wrong!”

How could it not go wrong?!!? How could it not not go wrong? They are reintroducing an apex predator into the food chain. And these cute dogs will want to be at the top of that food chain.

To be fair, they only introduced ten dire wolf genes into some normal wolf  sperm or egg, so those cute pups may have to breed a few generations until they’re ready to start taking down humans regularly. If one of those tries to mate with my dog, I’m going to be pissed, right up until a cute puppy tears my throat out. Mark my words, this may be the beginning of the “end times.”

Have a great Thursday! ~Phil

4 Comments

Posted in Humor

Tagged , , ,

Finger Guns: Cool, Funny, or Bad?

Posted on April 5, 2025 | 5 comments

Pic courtesy of ESPN

Memphis Grizzlies player Ja Morant has been in trouble for his “finger guns” before. In 2023 he was suspended from playing in the NBA twice for posting pictures on social media of him brandishing a real hand gun. Now he’s getting heat from the league for using a “finger guns” gesture after hitting shots in basketball games. I was all in on the suspensions for him as a public figure and public face of his team posting the gun pictures. That definitely deserved penalties. But I’m not so sure that brandishing “finger guns” in a game deserves it. What do you think? Yes, he’s showing up his competitors after making a shot, but so many players do that on a regular basis, and others have used the “finger guns” before.

See? Even European futbol players are doing fingers guns. Is it a bad thing? Back when I was a youth in school, I was on the track team.  I won some races now and then. When I was 16, finger guns wasn’t a thing. But if it was, I guarantee you that at least once when I won a race, I’d turn around after breaking the tape and fire off some finger guns at my vanquished opponents. Would that be so bad? I also know that after I fired my finger guns I would also blow the smoke off the end of the barrel. Would that have been so bad?

When Ted Lange invented finger guns in the late 70’s we loved it.

For your enjoyment, here are the ten best times to use finger guns:

10. For your author picture on the inside cover of your next book. Mark my words folks…

9. At the end of surgery or any medical procedure really, and especially at the end of a colonoscopy or ob/gyn visit. If someone is mucking about in my private parts I want them to be confident about it.

8. Walking down the aisle after tying the knot. We’ve seen far too many wedding parties dance down the aisle to Pharrell’s Happy. How about if the bride and groom turn around and give the whole crowd the fingers guns as they leave the church?

Preview (2)

7. Birth of a child: What wife doesn’t want the finger guns from her hubby just to say, “You did alright honey”?  If that doesn’t make 20 hours of labor worth it, I don’t know what will.

6. At the end of a job interview: Win or lose, good or bad, it always looks good to walk out with a little swagger. Finger guns gives you that in any situation.

5. Funerals: Far too many funerals are ruined by a lack of humor. If the deceased was posed in the casket, or even in a chair, giving the finger guns, who wouldn’t crack a smile?

4. After winning anything: This one’s pretty obvious. Whether it be a Nobel Prize or a game of backgammon with your grandma, there’s no better way to say, I’m the man, or I’m the Woman, than with finger guns. True fact: I taught my dog to do finger guns.

3. When you’re a bartender on a cruise ship: Actor Ted Lange, aka bartender Isaac Washington on the late 70’s/early 80’s show The Love Boat is credited as having invented the finger guns. Now all Royal Caribbean cruise ship bartenders are required to incorporate finger guns in their interactions with customers or the drinks are free.

2. Presidential debates: I hereby vow that I will give my vote to any candidate who finger guns his opponent after a rebuttal.

1. At the completion of sex. I think the most important part would be putting the guns in their imaginary holsters on your naked hips after. Please someone do this and then come back to the comments just to tell me you did.

If you’ve got ideas for other perfect times to use finger guns, by all means put them in the comments. Maybe we can make another list!  As always, if you enjoy #ThePhilFactor please feel free to share by hitting the Facebook, Twiiter or re-blog buttons below. If you do I’ll give you the finger guns! Have a great weekend! ~Phil

5 Comments

Posted in Humor

Tagged ,

The Other Phil Factor?

Posted on April 1, 2025 | 2 comments

That picture is not me. Hard to believe I know. Going back to the early days of Google search it always bugged me when I’d Google my own blog and the first name on the list was ThePhilFactorMagic.com. It wasn’t every time. Sometimes I was at the top of the Google list and other times it was him. For a while I was irked, but I got over it and decided to bring our impressive forces together to break the internet. I emailed the other Phil Factor and asked him to be a guest on my blog for it’s 20th anniversary.

Me: You are a professional magician with decades of experience and success. How did you first develop an interest in magic as a career?

The Magical Phil Factor: As most Magicians it started when I was young. My Grandfather showed me a classic trick called “nickels to dimes”.  He gave me the trick and a magic book for my birthday.  Needless to say my Mother suffered through my attempts at performing magic tricks for her.  Some good and some terribly bad.  After seeing my first ever live performance by a magician in my early twenties I got seriously hooked.  At that point I dove into learning and performing as much as I could.  After months of non-stop practice, I ventured out and began busking for my own experience and growth as a performer.  Here I am 27 years later still doing what I love.

Me: Did you consider or work in other jobs before “Magician” became your full-time title?

The Magical Phil Factor: Yes, I served a four year tour of duty in the United States Air Force from 1989-1993 during Desert Storm and Desert Shield campaigns. When I got out of the military, I worked for Coca Cola my entire career while maintaining a side hustle performing magic at corporate, private and public events. Last year I finally decided to leave my job with Coca Cola and pursue Magic full time as my only income.

Me: First off, thank you for your years of military service. Secondly, you worked at Coca-Cola? Lol, I worked for Pepsi for four years in college. That’s an interesting synchronicity. Apparently all Phil Factors like carbonated beverages. So, tell me, what makes your magic show different?

The Magical Phil Factor: I believe what makes my magic different is my 50/50 approach.  I try to be entertaining and funny just as much as presenting mind blowing sleight of hand magic. People seem to respond well and really enjoy it as entertainment.  Rather than feeling tricked or fooled they can laugh and also be amazed.  I want them to walk away saying “That was a fantastic and entertaining show!”  Not, “How did he do that trick?”  I would much rather give people a lifelong,  joyful memory of that time they experienced The Phil Factor!

Me: That’s exactly how I approached dating in my 20’s!

Me: So what’s your best trick?

The Magical Phil Factor: I don’t know if it is my “best” trick. That’s subjective to each audience that bears witness, but it is one of my favorites that I am proud of and perform often. I call it “Dixie Chick”.  I created this routine with heavy inspiration from one of my good friends and fellow magician Doug Brewer.  Any magic performances that are my own creations are my favorite and suit my personality best.  It feels more authentic and translates to an audience in a genuine way.

Me: Who is your favorite magician?

The Magical Phil Factor: Without question, my favorite magician is David Williamson!  He is a comedic genius who performs diabolical magic.  Combining his chaotic, insane comedy antics with incredible magic leaves people breathless.  He was my introduction to learning magic from a professional magician and heavily influenced my choice of material and how I perform it.  He truly is one of a kind and the reason I fell in love with magic. He’s an incredible gift to the world of magic.

Me: Thanks Phil, I really appreciate you sharing your magic with my readers. I occasionally get to So-Cal, so the next time I go, I’ll look you up and see your show. Feel free to pull me into one of your tricks!

Thanks  for reading! Have a magical day! ~ Phil

2 Comments

Posted in Humor, Magic, pop culture, Uncategorized

Tagged , , , ,

What’s Wrong with The Elf on the Shelf? Everything!

Posted on December 12, 2024 | 2 comments

What’s wrong with The Elf on The Shelf?

elf

You’re familiar with the Elf on the Shelf right?  In the Elf on the Shelf tradition these poorly dressed little plastic elves are mischievous minions of the red suited overlord and they spy on children and report back to their tyrannical leader. That allegedly quaint little elf doll was invented about 35 years ago as a new, and for some toy company, moneymaking tradition. Fortunately for me, I wasn’t aware of The Elf on the Shelf when my kids were young enough to believe in it.

screen-shot-2014-12-12-at-4-36-54-pm1

Parents put these toy elves on a shelf and tell their children that the Elf can’t be touched or it will lose it’s Christmas  magic. The elf allegedly flies back to the North Pole to report to Santa every night. Man kids are gullible! In the immortal words of Bugs Bunny, “What a bunch of maroons!” Is that a dated reference? Does anyone else remember Bugs Bunny saying that?  The nightly flight is how parents explain that the Elf is in a different spot when the kids wake up each morning.

Of course this crazy ruse makes kids behave in the weeks leading up to Christmas! They’re terrified! Are you kidding me? Even now if you told me a Chuckie doll was going to sit on a shelf and stare at me while I slept, or that it might be moving around my house at night, I would never go to sleep again.

The kids have to be too terrified or too tired to misbehave. It’s no wonder they have a weeks vacation from school after Christmas. They probably spend that week sleeping for the first time in a month.

onemomsworld.wordpress.com

onemomsworld.wordpress.com

I had a friend who says that after her kids are asleep she will pose the Elf somewhere to make it appear as if the Elf had gotten into mischief overnight, such as putting him next to a tipped over jar of something, or maybe on a desk next to some torn up papers. So her kids wake up imagining this creepy little doll with the frozen scary clown smile moving about the house in the dark destroying things. How much longer before someone imagines the doll picking up a knife?

What if in some home where they’re torturing their kids with the Elf on the Shelf, just by coincidence, their elderly dog or cat were to pass away during the night? What do you suppose those kids are going to think for the rest of their lives?

This tradition is psychological warfare against children. How long before we see kids who have grown up with this tradition seeking counseling for PTED, Post-Traumatic Elf Disorder?

dannyoulittlerock.com

dannyoulittlerock.com

Happy Holidays to you and your families. If you really want something mysterious and far less traumatic to just appear this holiday season you could give my books, Time To Lie  and the sequel The Last Locked Door, available on Amazon in paperback, e-book, and Audible. Give the gift of reading this holiday season and have a great weekend! ~Phil

2 Comments

Posted in Humor, pop culture

Tagged , ,

The Dateline Spouse… Is It You?

Posted on December 7, 2024 | 5 comments

In every marriage, there is the Dateline spouse, and there is the victim.

Yes, I said it. For over 30 years the NBC show Dateline has been teaching people how to get away with murder. If I ever turn up dead, I want Dateline and the local police to know that even if there’s no evidence pointing to my wife, she definitely did it.

My wife is retired and is home full time now and she watches Dateline 12 hours a day. Every. Damn. Day. She actually has a Dateline t-shirt. When I’m not working I watch it with her. The show, not the t-shirt.

Every episode shows in finite detail how the murderers killed the victims and how they covered their tracks, sometimes for decades, before a rumpled, old detective goes digging into a cold case that “just didn’t sit well” with them. I like that guy in every episode. In fact, when I retire from my current job, I’m going to be a rumpled, old detective. I’ve got the rumpled part down pat. I hate ironing.

Shouldn’t it be illegal how they give way too much information about murder? Now there’s a whole generation that has had the last 30 years to study murder thanks to Dateline.

If you have ADHD though, Dateline is not for you. Sometimes the episodes are two hours long.  If you’re watching Dateline, you know the episode is way too long, but you get sucked in because you want to know who the killer is.

One thing I hate is that in most episodes at about the hour and 45 minute mark they suddenly reveal important details that occurred chronologically way before where you are in the investigation. After dragging the viewers through interviews with everyone the victim ever knew, they suddenly turn around and say “oh we forgot to tell you that five minutes after the murder the cops found the killers signature in blood and video of them buying the machete. How will the defense attorneys spin this evidence?”  The episodes of the show are longer than the actual murder investigations!

So police investigators and Dateline producers, if I’m found dead and you are reading this, my wife did it, I want the full two hour episode and the clever title will be “Murder He Wrote!” I’ll be the first person to predict his own Dateline episode. See? I told you I was psychic.

In response to one of my readers today, you can see Dateline in Canada, Australia, Europe, the United States, the Middle East, and the Philippines.

Have a great weekend everybody, but don’t kill anyone because Dateline will find you twenty years later. ~Phil

5 Comments

Posted in Humor, pop culture, Uncategorized

Tagged , , ,

The Top Ten Best Thanksgiving Sit-Com Episodes

Posted on November 27, 2024 | 3 comments

Don’t we all love the holiday episodes of our favorite shows? If you’re not into football this week, then dial up Netflix, Hulu, and Amazon Prime TV on Thursday and watch these ten laugh out loud episodes from the past that will entertain you all day long.  I’ve only included ones that I’ve seen, so if you can think of some others, say so in the comments! I apologize to my international readers that this list is American centric. If you can think of your favorite holiday episodes from your country, please put them in the comments so we can discover new shows!

10. Cheers: Thanksgiving Orphans, Season 5, episode 9.

Everyone’s plans coincidentally fall through, as they only can on a sit-com and Carla hosts dinner for the gang. It ends in an epic food fight where we nearly get to see Norm’s wife, Vera. Find it on Amazon, Netflix and Hulu

9. The Office, WUPHF.com, season 7, episode 9.

Dwight hosts a fall festival in the parking lot so he can crown himself Hay King while Ryan tries to sell the office on his uber-connectivity app WUPHF.com. Find it on Netflix.

8. New Girl, season 4 episode 9, Bangsgiving

This episode features the gang staying home for Thanksgiving in their L.A. loft. As fate would have it, they all happen to be single at the time, so they set up a Secret Santa sort of arrangement where they draw names from a hat and they have to invite a Bangsgiving date for the person they picked. Hijinks ensue. Find it on Peacock.

7. South Park, season 4 episode 13, Hellen Keller! The Musical

I think that the title, Hellen Keller! The Musical says all you need to know about this. Find it on HBOMax.

6. That 70’s Show, season 1, episode 9, Thanksgiving

THAT ’70S SHOW

Eric gets hit on by his sister’s slutty friend and Donna is not happy about it. Eric’s mom Kitty is stressed about Red’s mom coming to dinner and they both forget to pick her up. Find it on Amazon Prime Video

5. Seinfeld, season 6, episode 8, The Mom and Pop store

Elaine helps her boss, Mr. Pitt, win a contest to pilot the Woody Woodpecker balloon in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. His joy is short lived when Jerry drops an Empire State Building statue out the window and punctures the Woody Woodpecker balloon. In this episode Jerry walks around in a new pair of slippery cowboy boots and George buys a LeBaron convertible that he believes belonged to actor Jon Voight. Find it on Netflix.

4. WKRP in Cincinnati, season 1 episode 7, Turkeys Away

Yes, this is definitely an oldie, but it’s definitely one of the funniest Thanksgiving episodes of any show I’ve ever seen. If you don’t know the WKRP in Cincinnati series, it’s definitely worth a watch, and this episode is laugh out loud funny. Find it on AppleTV and Amazon Prime.

3. Roseanne, season 4 episode 10, We Gather Together

The Connors always knew how to make great holiday episodes. Their Halloween episodes are legendary and their Thanksgivings aren’t far behind. Find it on Amazon Prime Video.

2. How I Met Your Mother, season 3 episode 9, Slapsgiving

Due to a bet from a previous season, Marshall won the right to slap Barney 5 times over the rest of their lifetimes. He decides that Thanksgiving, aka Slapsgiving, is just the right day after building the suspense for weeks. At the end Marshall plays the piano and sings a song about the slap. Find it on Hulu

1. Friends, The One with All the Thanksgivings, Season 5, Episode 8

This episode of course has Monica with the turkey on her head, but it’s also got a bunch of fun flashbacks from the gangs Thanksgivings as well as their distant past. Find it on Netflix.

That’s my Top Ten. If you’ve got some favorite Thanksgiving episodes from other shows, please put them in the comments ! I hope you’re having a great weekend! ~Phil

3 Comments

Posted in Current Events, Humor, pop culture

Tagged , , ,

Are Your Feet Electric Enough?

Posted on November 23, 2024 | 5 comments

Photo from iStock

Do you “ground” your feet enough? There are whole bunch of people out there that walk barefoot because they want to connect with the Earth and receive some sort of electric charge. It is also called “Earthing.” What I want to know is, can I charge my phone that way? Could I just leave it on the ground and get a charge?

Whoever’s feet these are, they need to see a dermatologist

You know me. I’m open enough that I’m willing to consider all kinds of paranormal stuff, so why not grounding? My first instinct was that this is all nonsense. So, I did a little research.

First I wanted to know if the Earth’s surface carries an electrical charge. Guess what? According to AI “the surface of the Earth is negatively charged relative to the upper atmosphere which carries a positive charge.”  

The barefooted gentleman above is Mack Hollins, a wide receiver for the Buffalo Bills American football team. (GO BILLS!). This past summer he made waves after joining the Bills because, unless he’s on the football field, where his feet could get crushed by some very large men wearing cleats, he goes au naturel. If he’s not playing football, he walks barefooted because he believes in grounding. Mack and the Bills are having a good season, so Mack, feel free to go barefoot anywhere you want. If you are familiar with Buffalo Bills fans, this is our kind of “grounding”.

But I digress. This is supposed to be all about getting our toes muddy.

Just because they made this little diagram, it doesn’t mean it’s true.

I’m sure it feels nice walking in the grass, but I remember getting stung by a bee when I was grounding as a kid. I was way ahead of my time and that bee sting hurt quite a bit. So, have I convinced you to walk barefoot and fancy-free? What is fancy free? I don’t think I’ve ever felt anything that I would describe as fancy free.

Apparently it must be true because there is a movie about it. That’s not true. There are plenty of movies that are complete and utter rubbish. In fact, I think most movies are completely made up. But if you want to know more about the real benefits of grounding/Earthing, HERE is an article from WebMd. If some real doctors endorse grounding, then it must be beneficial just like all those drugs doctors endorse in TV commercials. I’m not a doctor, but I play one on the internet.

I’d be interested to hear your thoughts on grounding/Earthing in the comments.

Have a great weekend and thanks for reading! ~Phil

5 Comments

Posted in Aging, Apocalypse, Art, books, Channing Tatum, Cheez Whiz, Christmas, Current Events, Darth Vader, dental humor, dibs, Dominos, Duggars, E-Z Pass, Fountain of youth, Gangnam Style, global warming, guest blogger, gym, Humor, interview, London riots, loyalty card, Meteor, miles card, Monday Blogs, monks, Movies, Music, Music Monday, Norway, nudity, OBX, Oprah Winfrey, paranormal, Pet humor, photograph, pop culture, Relationships, Russian meteor, Science, Super Bowl, Swag, Thanksgiving, The Bachelorette, The Phil Factor, Uncategorized, Valentine's Day, video blog, Worry stone

Tagged , , , ,

For Cripes Sake Hallmark!

Posted on October 19, 2024 | 4 comments

First of all, who is Cripes and why do we want their sake?  Isn’t that Japanese wine? Hallmark (yes, I’m yelling at you) for cripes sake and all that is holy, why in the world did you debut a NEW HALLMARK CHRISTMAS MOVIE yesterday on October 18th?!!? Is nothing sacred? Can we not continue to watch slasher movies in preparation for this country’s  most beloved holiday, Halloween?!!?

Is there not some sort of governing body that should prevent this type of atrocity? In my mind, Halloween gets September after Labor Day and thru midnight October 31st. Then, beginning on November 1st, then and only then should Christmas and Hallmark Christmas movies have free reign to broadcast all the Christmas/Hannukah content they want. Hallmark has Fall/Halloween movies! Why aren’t they pushing those right now?

For my readers who thought this would be a fun blog about your corny Hallmark  movies, you can click on the video above and watch the whole fricking movie right from my blog. See Hallmark! You made this effing Fall movie, why aren’t you cramming that down people throats? It’s literally demonic what you are trying to do to Halloween. Hey readers, here’s a phrase you can use, “Hallmark is cannibalizing the corny movie market with their holiday tripe.”

Lacey Chabert practicing her smoldering look. Who does she think that will work on?

I guarantee you that Hallmark will not have a problem with me ranting like a berserker about their corny content. And what about Lacey Chabert? Why is she in every freaking movie? Does she not have enough money yet? Her annual income from Hallmark movie residuals could probably resolve the federal deficit. And she has yet to agree to an interview with The Phil Factor. That’s how snooty she is. How can you trust someone like that?

And those of you that enjoy my highly intelligent paranormal content? What happens to you during Hallmark season? You’re stuck with sicky sweet stuff like this full-length movie that you can watch right here:

Knowing Hallmark, they will probable sue me for this blog post including their content. Worse yet, they might create another Hallmark Christmas movie about a grumpy, Scrooge-like writer who pans their movies until he learns the real meaning of Christmas in October.

They’d probably have the gall to ask me to do a cameo in that movie just so I’ll promote their content to my readers again. My readers, which I’m sure outnumber the Hallmark fans by a wide margin. And, if you watch Hallmark today, there will be another all-new Hallmark Christmas movie, and more every day until Christmas. Ugh. Ratings snooze-fest.

Happy Saturday and thanks for reading! ~Phil

4 Comments

Posted in Humor, pop culture

Tagged , , , , ,