Category Archives: Pet humor

Have you ever been at home alone, except for one of your pets, and maybe you hit your thumb with a hammer while hanging a picture? Once the nerves in your thumb alert your brain that said thumb has been crushed, you then let loose with a barrage of obscenities that would be deemed to offensive for a Quentin Tarantino movie. Or perhaps, in front of friends you present yourself as a refined, erudite, philosophical scholar but as soon as you’re out of the sight of others you binge watch South Park. Or maybe you and your spouse enjoy a little role playing in the privacy of your own home. (I know nothing of this but I’ve heard of it in books and movies) All those things are perfectly fine. We all have one side of ourselves that we show the world and perhaps a more relaxed side of us that sees the light of day when we’re out of the public eye.

What if when you let out your relaxed side at home, your pet could tell on you? That’s the problem a woman in Michigan may be facing. She is on trial for the murder of her husband. After the husband was shot to death in his home, his pet parrot was given to his ex-wife. Several weeks after the bird had been relocated, his new/old owner overheard the parrot, Bud, speaking. According to the Detroit Free Press: Bud speaking in both male and female voices as if having a conversation, the Free Press reported. The parrot, in a man’s voice, said “Get out,” followed by the woman’s voice saying, “Where will I go?” The man’s voice answered, “Don’t f—ing shoot,” the Free Press reported.”

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip ~Will Rogers

Currently experts are debating if the parrots statements could be admissible in court as evidence. Are you kidding me?!!? Getting sent up the river for life because you get ratted out by your pet? Especially ironic if your pet is a rat. That witness for the prosecution isn’t a parrot! It’s a stool pigeon! (If you’re not a hundred years old, here’s the definition of a stool pigeon)

Not that I’m doing anything nefarious or have plans to, but I’m going to look at my cat and dog in a whole new light from now on. First, I’m immediately going to stop teaching them to speak. Secondly, I’m going to start making them watch the Sarah McLachlan animal cruelty videos:

The implication will be clear. Keep your furry little yaps shut or that could be you in that cage. There is no way that I’m taking a chance on going to prison because some new age Mark Fuhrman bribed my dog with a few Kibbles ‘n Bits. BTW, speaking of the O.J. Simpson trial of the 90’s, did you know that Kim Kardashian‘s dad was one of O.J.’s lawyers. (Kim is going to be thrilled to see that her personal website is now linked to #ThePhilFactor) And furthermore, O.J. Simpson was not convicted of those murders. You know why? Because his fecking pets kept their mouth shut and didn’t testify against him.

I just got a hilarious idea for another post on this topic. It would be too long to add to this. Maybe tomorrow, maybe next Saturday. I know you have to get on with your day. Thanks for stopping by. Have a great Saturday! ~Phil