Tag Archives: sarcasm

The Top Ten Phil Factor Posts of 2018!

Hi everyone. Happy New Year’s Eve. We’ve made it through another year and I thank you for all your reading, support, and comments over the past year. Just in case you woke up this morning wondering what the most popular Phil Factor posts were in 2018, well I’ve got you covered. Here they are!

10. 2018 Predictions from a Legit Psychic

mirror.co.uk

9. If I Was The Royal Wedding Planner

8. The Plot of Every Hallmark Christmas Movie

7. The Ten Worst Song Lyrics Ever

6. Top Ten Tuesday: Ten Funny Tweets

5. Ten Signs Your Wife is Cheating With an Amish Guy

4. Angst Away! The Cure for That Valentine’s Stench! 

3. The Top Ten Psychic Pick Up Lines

2. Real Sexting Conversations To Read in Hindi

1. Ten Idiotic Things Celebrities Have Bought

You might have noticed that a couple of them weren’t written in 2018. Their popularity continues thanks to search engines that bring people to The Phil Factor from all over the world for very strange reasons. Have a Happy New Year tonight and be safe! For my friends in Australia, I hope you had a nice New Year’s Eve! ~Phil

My Psychic Predictions for 2019!

That’s me in the crystal ball. I’m not the lady

This is one of my favorite posts every year and in recent years seems to be a favorite of my readers and of people from all over the world. I don’t talk about it very often on my blog, but I fancy myself a soothsayer, a psychic if you will. Am I kidding? Sometimes, but not all the time, and over the years my ability to predict future events accurately has even surprised me. Enough about me, you want the goods don’t you? You want to know what the future holds right? Pull up a chair, open your mind and look into my crystal ball with me…

Aliens Attack in 2019! Yes, this is the year that half the world has been waiting for and the other half has been fearing. Planet Earth will finally have the proof that so many have been searching for confirming that there is other intelligent life in the universe. In a possibly related note, when the alien ships disappear, so will Queen Elizabeth. Oddly, a strange blue light will fill the sky over London on the night the UFO’s disappear and the Queen allegedly dies. England will report that she passed away and they will hold a magnificent funeral with a suspiciously closed casket.

2019 is The Year of The Fin, or is it Finn? Everywhere you look in 2019 you will see a Fin, or maybe a Finn. Ian Ziering played Fin Shepard on the SyFy networks Sharknado series. Finn Wolfhard played Mike Wheeler on the popular Netflix series Stranger Things. My prediction is that 2019 will be The Year of  The Fin(n) without either starring in a shark related project. I predict that you won’t be able to turn on your television without seeing one of the Fin(n)s. Unfortunately, their breakout success will lead to a new psychiatric malady called Fin(n) Fatigue for which I will be the only professionally licensed therapist. Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Jump into those fin(n) infested waters at your own risk.

In 2019 the World will…not end A lot of psychics like to make headlines by predicting the end of the world. Not me. I’m going out on a limb and predicting that the world will still be here in a year. In 2009 I made my first Earth saving prediction and it was borne true in December of 2012. Remember when everybody believed that because the ancient Mayan calendar ended in December 2012 that the world would end then? Read this post I wrote in 2009 and scheduled to post in 2012. I’m feeling just as solid about 2019. I can’t make any guarantees for you personally, but this big ball of dirt will still be in orbit around the sun.

Pic courtesy of Daily Kos

The American Presidency: Yes in my minds eye I see turmoil unlike we’ve ever seen at The White House, but I am unsure if we will see a scene such as the one portrayed in the picture above. Mostly because they’ll have a hard time finding handcuffs small enough to hold his tiny hands together. Maybe these will work:

Thank you Stephen Colbert

The surprise in this is not that Trump will face legal charges, but so will his daughter Ivanka, her husband Jared Kushner, and wife Melania, who although she is allegedly Slovenian, turns out to be a Russian spy who has been controlling Donald Trump since they met.

express.co.uk

Will Brexit Exit? And What About Theresa May’s Love Life? I’m bringing back an old prediction because it looks like it will be coming true, just not in the exact time frame that I foresaw. In December of 2016 I predicted that Britain would try to reverse course and not leave the European Union. In that prediction that you can read HERE I predicted the reversal of Brexit plans and I also predicted the hashtag #UnBrexit. Feel free to go check Twitter for that, it’s there. The oddity about this prediction is that the Brexit drama will end Theresa May’s reign as Prime Minister. She will be an outcast in her own country and will move to the United States, write love letters to imprisoned Donald Trump, and eventually begin a relationship, with conjugal visits, that will end in marriage. Sorry about that conjugal visit image that’s now stuck in your head. If it’s in my head, I want it in your head.

Whew! I’m exhausted from all that mind-bending peering into the future. I hope you enjoyed it and now you can make your plans for 2019. If you found this to be humorous and awe-inspiring feel free to share to social media using the buttons below. Have a very Happy New Years celebration tomorrow! ~Psychic Phil

I’m Going To Be a Scientist!

What do I want to be when I grow up? Obviously I’ve tipped you off with the title. I’ve decided that my next career will to be a “Scientist.” I’m not going to be just any kind of scientist though. I want to be the Neil deGrasse Tyson type of scientist. Here’s why: I just read an news article that said that scientists have determined that Saturn is losing it’s rings.

And how did they determine that Saturn is losing it’s rings? From images sent by a satellite. “The rings are being pulled into the planet “by gravity as a dusty rain of ice particles under the influence of Saturn’s magnetic field,” NASA said. From this alone, the entire ring system will be gone in 300 million years,” O’Donoghue said in a statement

Gasp! Oh no! In 300 million years we wont be able to see Saturn’s rings? Oh no! They’ve been such a big part of my life. What will I do without them? Raise your hands, who here has ever seen Saturn’s rings, like for real, not just in a cartoon picture on TV or in a book? Umm…let’s see one, two, three… oh yes, that’s right, the answer is zero. ZERO! No one has seen the rings and how do they effect our lives? Scientists, do you have an answer for that? Nope. Didn’t think so.

He may not have my tie collection, but he does wear some dope ass vests

What I’m getting at is that a lot of “scientists” do a whole lot off nothing and get paid pretty well to do it. The satellite that sent back the Saturn rings footage probably left Earth fifteen years ago. So these “scientists” have been showing up for work for fifteen years just waiting for a picture of Saturn. Then maybe the rings will disappear in 300 million years?!!?  That’s the best you can come up with? Seriously, no one on Earth right now will be around to fact check that in 300 million years. If I’ve got that kind of latitude, if I can’t ever be proven wrong, I’m going to make up some really good stuff. Here’s some future headlines from my future career as a scientist:

Scientist Phil declares that Saturn’s rings will detach from planet and careen through the solar system before slicing Earth in half in 300 million years.

Earth will lose it’s gravity in 300 million years.

The Phil Factor will be world’s most popular blog in 300 million years

Keeping Up With The Kardashians will be renewed for it’s 300 millionth season. 

See? If you’re going to be a scientist, that’s what we want to hear. That last one might be true though. When I grow up, if I can’t be Batman, I wanna be a Scientist! If you want to read another hilarious posts you might want to click on : Hey Scientists! Shut the H#ll up!

Have a great Sunday! ~Phil

I Tried Allergy Testing So You Don’t Have To

I had allergy testing on Friday and the picture above is from the exam room that I spent two hours in. First of all, who isn’t allergic to venom? Superman? And secondly, how do they do the food skin testing? I’m fantasizing about a nurse rubbing pizza and bacon all over my naked skin. Now you’ve got that picture in your head, don’t you? You’re welcome.

There are things that I know I’m allergic to: People who are mean spirited, people who treat wait staff at restaurants poorly, buffoonish orange skinned Presidents, racism, sexism, and penicillin. So far that’s my list, but in spite of my best efforts to avoid those things my allergy symptoms have grown worse over the last couple years. I’ve had unrelenting sinus congestion, watery eyes and random sneezing. Although that sounds delightful, I don’t enjoy it as much as you’d think.  Over the counter meds have helped only a little, so I asked my doctor for an allergy workup in hopes of finding out what exactly has turned my sinuses into a 24/7 snot factory.

I arrived at the doctors office early so that I could fill out the paperwork. I got there so early that it wasn’t open yet. Fifteen minutes later when it did open, I discovered that I was scheduled at the doctor’s other office across town. I raced across town and surprisingly made it in time. The first thing that the nurse did when she took me back was to weigh me and measure my height, because how tall you are is obviously a factor in what gives you hives. The nurse informed me that by her measure I was 3/4 of an inch (2 feet for my metric people) shorter than I thought I was. Obviously the effect of my allergies was far worse than I realized, and it explains why all my pants have been getting longer.

First she marked each forearm with 24 purple dots, 48 total,  to determine if I was allergic to purple ink. No, actually next to each of those dots she jabbed me with a little needle that had a small amount of a possible allergen. The purple ink still hasn’t completely come off yet, so I’m keeping my forearms covered in public so people don’t think I’m Typhoid Phil spreading the Purple Plague. Fortunately the purple dot round of needle sticks didn’t reveal anything other than my tolerance to purple ink, so it was onto the next round of bigger needles!

Yes, that is an actual picture of 36 syringes that they then stuck into my upper arms next to 36 more purple dots. I felt like I had a free acupuncture session, which I’ve never done, but I might just to get a funny blog post out off it.

Joy of joy, they found four things that I’m allergic to! Dust mites, molds, box elder trees, and people who don’t leave comments on my blog. The doctor said that last one could be fatal.  Apparently some people are so surprised at the results of their allergy testing that they actually shit themselves, which it why the office felt it necessary to put this sign up in the exam room:

Being kind and considerate, I did take my soiled diapers with me. The title of my post is a nod to Christine of the I’m Sick and So Are You blog who wrote THIS funny post back in July. So, on your way out of The Phil Factor, don’t be allergic to leaving comments, and please take your soiled diapers with you. Have a great Sunday! ~Phil

The Plot of Every Hallmark Christmas Movie

Yes, it’s that time of year. “Christmas?” you say. No, Christmas is just a secondary annoyance. To all the people born with a uterus it’s the most wonderful time of the year, otherwise known as Hallmark Christmas movie time! Or as Lacey Chabert, Dean Cain and Candace Cameron Bure call it, “The only time we make any money.”

Being married to one of these Hallmark movie loving people, I’ve inadvertently seen several Hallmark Christmas movies and I couldn’t help but notice that each unique Hallmark Christmas movie has the exact same plot as every other Hallmark movie. To save you time watching the actual movies, here’s how it goes:

Guy or gal who left home several years ago and is very successful at some high falutin’ job in a big city somewhere comes back to their Smalltown, USA hometown for Thanksgiving or a funeral. Oh no! Their family’s business is failing! What? They need to stay longer than they planned. Maybe until Christmas! I can’t believe it. What are the chances of that?!!?

Successful and attractive returning guy or gal runs into the sister or brother of a friend they knew in high school. He or she “was just a kid back then” but now they’re “all grown up” and they’ve really blossomed into a hunk or a hottie. At first they may not like each other but everyone else can see the obvious chemistry. Despite the fact that they annoy each other, they have to work together to save the business, ranch or whatever.

Of course it will all inevitably lead to a playful snowball fight between the two in the town square. And they both realize they like each other and they kiss.

Guess what everyone, that’s the plot of every episode of The Gilmore Girls too. You’re welcome. I’ve just saved you the trouble of watching every single Hallmark movie this year. But you know what? I know you’re going to watch them. It’s as inevitable as that moment when the returning hometown hero says that “this is where I’ve wanted to be all along” as they hug their new love and gaze at the Christmas tree.  Cue Christmas music and fade out to credits.

Have a great weekend! ~Phil

Alec Baldwin: Terrorist or Adorable Curmudgeon?

Mandatory Credit: Photo by Erik Pendzich/REX/Shutterstock (9688107v)
tvline.com

 Alec Baldwin was arrested Friday and charged with assault and harassment after allegedly striking a man in the face during a dispute over a parking spot outside his New York City home, authorities said.

Police said the actor claimed he had a family member holding the spot for him as he attempted to park his black Cadillac Escalade around 1:30 p.m. when a man driving a black Saab station wagon pulled up and took it.

Police said the men were arguing and pushed each other before Baldwin, 60, got more aggressive. The driver of the station wagon told police Baldwin hit him with his hand, but wasn’t sure if it was a punch or a slap. The driver, 49, was taken to a hospital with jaw pain and redness in the neck area, police said.  All type in italics is from The Chicago Tribune.

Gasp! A celebrity attacking a commoner! How dare he! If we replace the name Alec Baldwin with Justin Bieber, we’d all be outraged and call for him to do jail time. And it does seem like the kind of thing that the Biebs would do, doesn’t it?

In my mind, because it’s Alec Baldwin, it’s OK. And because it’s New York City it’s OK. In New York City a slap in the face is how people greet each other. Arrested over a parking dispute? Ridiculous. Why am I so willing to take Alec Baldwin’s side on this? This is why:

Before Alec Baldwin did a Trump impression he was an obnoxious ass with several instances of public boorishness on his record. Now, since his Emmy winning Trump impersonation I consider him a national treasure, an adorable curmudgeon if you will.

First of all, what’s a 49 year old doing getting in a fight with a 60 year old? And more embarrassingly, losing. Secondly, a guy in a Saab fighting with a guy in an Escalade? If one of these wasn’t Alec Baldwin, wouldn’t we all just say “Let the rich S.O.B.’s fight it out. They both probably deserve a good slap in the face.” ?

When I’m elected President, or Sexiest Man Alive, whichever comes first, I’m going to pass two laws. 1) Alec Baldwin will be required to do President Phil impersonations, and 2) There should a statue of Alec Baldwin, as Donald Trump, erected at the site of the disputed parking spot so that he has dibs on it forever.

 “I wanted to be president of the United States. I really did. The older I get, the less preposterous the idea seems.” ~Alec Baldwin. Sorry Alec, you’ll have to get in line behind me, but I promise you can be my Vice-President. What’s your opinion? Take the poll below:

Please share this post to and fro. I’d love to see the poll go viral. Have a great weekend everybody! ~Phil

TBT! I Ain’t Afraid of No Ghost!

There’s two things I’m not sure if I believe in, ghosts and death. Well, I’m sure I don’t believe in my own death, and if by chance it does happen, I plan to overcome it by becoming a ghost. I’m sure you’re thinking to yourself What a weirdo! Hey, relax on the judgement there. I’m contractually bound to comeback after death, if I have one, a death that is.

Contractually bound? Yup. Nothing I can do about it now. It was many years ago in college. One night myself and two friends were drinking some adult beverages. You know how when you’re young, like 20 or so and you think you’re really deep even though you’re really idiots who don’t know anything? We had imbibed a few and got to talking about death and the afterlife.

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We all were curious to know if there really was life after death, so right then and there we Googled and then re-enacted a centuries old Druid ceremony complete with a circle of salt, candles under a full moon and signing a pact with our own blood, which was flowing easily because of the alcohol we had been drinking. Ok, no we didn’t, but I had you going there for a second, didn’t I? There was no blood signed contract, and there was also no Google when I was in college, but we did make a promise to each other that whichever one of us died first would come back and haunt the other two so we would know that there’s life after death.

I don’t know where those two college friends are now and don’t even remember ones last name. Hopefully, because of our vow, some sort of afterlife mojo will help us find each other to keep our promise. As far as I know, none of us has ever shown up to haunt the others. With Halloween in the air I got to thinking of this and what else I might do if I were to be a ghost.

Stars DEMI MOORE and PATRICK SWAYZE. Licenced by Channel 5 Broacasting. Contact Five Stills: 0207 550 5583/5509/5544. Free for editorial press and listings use in connection with the current broadcast of Channel 5 programmes only. This. image may only be reproduced with the prior written consent of Channel 5. All rights reserved. Not for any form of advertising, internet use or in connection with the sale of any product.

I know this may be hard for you to believe, but in my life I’ve been a bit of a practical joker at times. I’m pretty sure that if I ever come back  as a ghost I’m not going to take off my shirt and help anyone with pottery. Jeez, what a waste of an afterlife. I’ll probably be what we all know as a poltergeist. I’ll move a lot of peoples car keys just before they have to leave for work. During live televised events I’ll show up invisibly and give the President or the Pope a wet willie. I’ll be on the field at all my favorite live sporting events, helping out a little to ensure my favorite teams win. You know that feeling you get when you feel like someone’s behind you but you turn around and no one’s there? That’ll be me.  Who knows? Ghost Phil may even zip into the internet and follow the connection to your computer and cause embarrassing typos when you’re posting pictures.

So do you believe in life after death? Do you think there are real ghosts? Have you ever had an experience with what you think was a ghost? What would you do if you were a ghost?

Have a great Thursday, and no, you don’t have enough Halloween decorations up yet! ~Phil